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"Doctor Upjohn, the risk is immense."
"Don't panic; just use common sense.
I will start the incision,
But without supervision.
You get on the phone and call Spence."
(Spence Gardner, hot shot lawyer, 1980's & '90's)
Jan's appendix came out in a session There once was a man with a hernia "Be precise from the very first slice," A surgeon called Jeremy Fife To the intern said Chief Surgeon Lear, An effete little fellow named Hunt An amazing profession's Eliza's: They say wanking can hinder your vision; A teacher whose named was Miss Nolan My pecker is too large, by far; The Doc said, "This whatchamacallit Stents in the popliteal arteries, As a HARBINGER, one could foresee My surgeon had once been a Sir-gent. A surgeon, while sewing a suture, There once was a nearsighted gynie The surgeons, at times, have to cut. The convalaescent Miss Lee There once was a surgeon of note There once was a patient irate, I must have been plagued with a curse, "We've got some bad news to report. There once was a surgeon whose sight There was a young man named Ender Plastic surgeon Smith freely admits, When the bridge-builder blunders, he shakes; There once was a surgeon I knew I committed a small peccadillo "My genitals! GONE!" Consternation. "A CHISEL!?" "Well that; and a saw. The Doc gave the guy a cystoscopy; It was done to a patient, post-bellum; There was a nice man from New Yawk, This man still couldn't say "ah" He went back to Doctor Van Kamp, You may scoff but it's something I fear. After "resting" (alas and alack), And first is young Thomas whose dick He's well back on form now. The surgeon, He opens her thighs very wide "Oh bugger!" he says with a shout But Sister Veronica didn't An ambisinister surgeon, There was a young Doc called Lamotta There's a bosomy dame of good name Released from yon prison, alack, Too late for young Debbie, I fear; "Oh do stop that screaming", he said, Too late for unfortunate Hugh; Poor Hugh's in the theatre now The doctor that elderly Jack saw "A what!? A biopsy!?" said Jack; A surgeon was in quite a bind, A surgeon from Glasgow called Mac, Instead of vasectomy, Hugh That litigious young man with a hernia "Have you sensed any strange titillation," It isn't a wise exclamation The doc fixed the cunt of whore Horner, Sadistic, a surgeon named Keane, Her plastic nose surgeon was slime, A funny old man named Poo T. A surgeon called Dr. McDuff There was a young athlete, Big Dell, An unlucky old patient named Koch
--- Al Willis
That left a real lasting impression.
Now she tells us with pride,
She makes more on the side,
Than her regular day-time profession.
--- John Miller
Who said to his doctor "Gol-dern ya,
Now don't make a botch
Of this job on my crotch.
And don't cut things that do not concern ya!"
--- Anon
Said a surgeon when asked for advice.
"To the patient below,
It's no comfort to know
That you won't make the same mistake twice."
--- Laurence Perrine P8503X
Cut off the leg of his wife.
He didn't repent.
What an arrogant gent --
Said, "She's lucky to have her life!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"The patient is paramount here!
And not merely, Mitch,
The raw stuff of which
A young surgeon can carve his career!"
--- P8305
Said, "I hate being such a weird runt."
At his best buddy's urgin'
He went to a surgeon,
And asked, "Can't you guess what I wunt?"
--- G2025
She helps people who want to change sizes.
She's had as her clients
Both pigmies and giants;
They're so grateful, they give her top prizes.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8503
All it takes is a simple incision.
If the surgery's smooth
When you have a rib removed,
Your own sexual juxtaposition.
--- Anon
Excised a kids semi-colon.
The kid was quite pained
And then he explained,
"And once she removed my colon."
--- Al Willis P9507
It causes my girlfriend to scar.
My surgeon said, "Frank,
We can shorten your shank;
The procedure is safe, yet bizarre!"
--- Mark Levy P9704
Is easy to cut; just eyeball it."
"This incision is large.
How much should I charge?"
"Just tell me the size of his wallet."
--- Al Willis P9704
Can toss off emboli like fleas.
And when they get to your feet,
They don't make you feel neat.
And, a cane may help your pain ease.
--- Anon
That some pain, there surely would be.
The post operative site
Would sting, hurt or bite!
And so would the dear surgeon's fee!
--- Maggie
He liked sturgeon served up with detergent.
A regular cut-up
Who never would shut up,
His motto was "Surgury urgent!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8503
In a kidney without any future,
Was composing a verse
To a registered nurse,
To buttress his effort to smooch her.
--- P8305
Whose glasses were sparkly and shiny.
But they stayed in the drawer
While he worked on a whore,
And tied up the tubes of her heiney.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Their skills are well practiced, all but.
They are mad as piss.
When op wounds DEHISCE,
So they use super glue to keep shut.
--- Chris Papa
Had a neat apendectomy,
With curious stitching,
Engaging, bewitching;
She displayed at the Tate Gallery.
--- VOL 6
Who liked to read what he wrote.
He thought he'd gain fame
If he signed his full name
Into each little scar for a quote.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who ordered his Doc to castrate.
"I regret my decision;
I meant circumcision!"
Alas, 'twas too little, too late!
--- Steve Zink
My headaches could not have been worse.
Had many test ran,
Including CAT scan,
On Sunday, got word from the nurse.
--- Jumping Jack X
Brain surgury's your only resort.
Should be done right away,
But expect short delay;
On Mondays, Doc's always in court!"
--- Jumping Jack X
Was a little bit less than all right.
When his patient awoke,
It wasn't a joke
For his ass was sewed up a mite tight.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who wanted to change from his gender.
When he inquired of me,
I told him that he
Should stick both his balls in a blender!
--- Oblivion
His treatment of Bill was the pits.
Bill wanted fast purgin',
But the dimwitted surgeon
Instead gave him silicone tits.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305
There is no way to hide what he makes.
From the wreckage is seen --
But the surgeon is clean --
If he blunders, he buries mistakes.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2790X
Who practiced calligraphy too.
In each new incision
He'd cut with precision,
His own little cute curlicue.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
During surgery, Mr. Murillo...
But both balls we've saved!
They're still nicely shaved;
You'll find them right there, 'neath your pillow.
--- Tutta Gioia
Poor Tommy cried tears of frustration.
The surgeon tight-lipped
Said, "Damn chisel, it slipped.
I'm afraid I lost all concentration."
--- Peter Wilkins
And a bread-knife (I'm not really sure)."
"You used WHAT!! And a chisel?"
"Look Tommy, don't grizzle;
Now is your appendix still sore?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Said he would need a iliostomy.
The Doc was a boob;
He cut the wrong tube.
The guy ended with a colostomy.
--- Peter Wilkins
Doc severed the man's cerebellum.
"But, when he awakes,
With fierce headaches,
Do you think anyone ought to tell him?"
--- Al Willis
This is file mkl
Whose tongue was the shape of a fawk.
A doctor named Young
Remodeled his tongue
To put the 'R's back, when he'd tawk.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
'Cause his tongue was now in a jah.
He was decidedly worse
'Cause he made the wrong cherce,
When his surgury turned out bizzah.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Because he complained of a cramp.
Doc said, "It's mandate;
We must operate."
And he found his old surgical clamp!
--- Al Willis T9712
If not now, the time soon will be here.
I for one won't rejoice,
Being given no choice,
When they graft a cell phone to my ear.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0107
The incompetent surgeon is back,
Wielding chisel and saw
In the theater once more,
And he's waiting for bodies to hack.
--- Anon
Is priapic. The surgeon is quick
With his pen-knife to chop it
But nursey says, "Stop it;
My pussy will sure do the trick."
--- Peter Wilkins
With needle and thread, needs no urgin'
To take up the slack
In Veronica's crack.
(She's a nun and must prove she's a virgin.)
--- Anon
And succumbs to temptations to ride
Her, then sews up her lips
And with staples he clips
'Em but leaves his hard dongle inside.
--- Anon
As he tries (but in vain) to pull out.
Now it seems that he's stuck
In a permanent fuck;
He'll be sued for a fortune, no doubt.
--- Anon
Sue the surgeon; her eyes had a glint.
"I'm so grateful", she said,
As he took out the thread
And unstapled that horny young bint.
--- Anon
Whose work brought a deluge of dirgin',
When finally sued,
No license renewed;
Retired at colleagues' great urgin'.
--- Chris Papa
Whom I would describe as a rotta.
With scalpel, the dummy,
He aimed at the tummy,
And sliced the medulla oblongata.
--- Al Willis
Who, when robbed by a surgeon of fame,
Looked down in dismay
And was tempted to say,
"I'm sure I had two when I came."
--- Sara Alsop P8305X
The Incompetent Surgeon is back.
Watch your guts if you're ill,
And your tits if you're Jill,
Or your bollocks and dick if you're Jack.
--- Anon
She's had haemorrhoids most of the year.
In attempting to freeze
Them, he gave them a squeeze
And like ferrets, they shot up her rear.
--- Anon
As her buttocks he parted and spread.
"Let me claw them back down",
He exclaimed with a frown,
"And I'll tie them in bunches, instead."
--- Anon
Appendectomy well overdue;
For the surgeon's unsure
Where he ought to explore,
Or indeed if he's looking for two.
--- Anon
And the surgeon is mopping his brow.
For his scalpel is blunt
And there's blood on the front
Of his gown from Hugh's tonsils I vow.
--- Anon
Said. "Jack, no surprise that your back's sore;
It seems that your op see,
A major biopsy,
Was done by a surgeon with hacksaw."
--- Anon
"All I said was I'm losing the knack
Now I'm ninety, of screwing
My wife without doing
A mischief, at times, to my back."
--- Anon
His scalpel -- he must have been blind!
To the patient he said "It
Will come out when you shit.
Please return -- washed if you don't mind.
--- Mike Dale
Once forgot to put everything back.
As his train made to start,
His case came apart,
And a kidney rolled down off the rack.
--- Michael Palin
Was castrated. The doctor was new
And said, "Sorry m'lad
That you seem to be mad;
Does it make a vas deferens to you?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Told his surgeon, "You've made a botch, dernia!
Since you've fouled up in style,
I'm proceeding to file
A malpractice suit simply to learn ya."
--- A N Wilkins P8507
Asked the doctor, "a tingling sensation?
Our staff surgeon is quizzing --
His new pager is missing
Since your recent gall stone operation."
--- William N Nesbit P9610 X
To say in all things moderation.
For if this is true,
You've still something to do,
On the topic of Leg Amputation.
--- Anon
But clients proceeded to scorn her,
For his skilled repairs
Were now hid behind hairs,
And the entrance was just 'round the corner.
--- Albin Chaplin
Psychotic and nasty and mean;
He put his own wife
Right under the knife,
And lopped both her boobies off clean.
--- Armand Singer
But she did not know at the time.
She kind of suspected
Once he had injected
His plastic nose up her behind.
--- Jon Gearhart
Announced to all he had the key --
"An active sex life
Is cured with a knife."
That's not the solution for me!
--- Anon
Used to operate quite off the cuff...
Having just learned the male,
When he opened up Gail,
Cried, "My God! What is all this stuff?"
--- TuttaGioia X
Whose tool was too large for his belle.
While the surgeon was clipping,
The knife started slipping,
Now he's called by his friends, Little Nell. (Tinkerbell)
--- Anon
Needed major repairs on his crotch;
Now the interns all flipped
When the surgeon's knife slipped;
A penisectomy is painful to watch.
--- Armand E Singer 322
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