MORE
The vicar's wife, down at the rectory, But those weren't the only incisions, The incompetent surgeon is back; His next operation is due The nurse is still searching the floor The anaesthetist looks at his watch All's ready; we wait to begin. He shouts at the nurse to stand back; There once was a girl quite annoyed, The late Johnny Smith left this globe Old Doctor Trepanning the brain A doctor ingested uranium, "What the hell have you done to your bits?" "I'll make the incision right here", A wrinkled old gal from Ft. Lee, The thought's bringing tears to my eyes Most surgeons agree it is so, My wife's had her third hysterectomy; An English urologist Krumm I seem to be missing some gear; I'll find 'em, but meanwhile just wait. The naughty young nurse is now here, "Now this," said the surgeon, "Is gut; I went to the doctor, said "Please, He took out a Colt .45; A surgeon with careful precision "So he wants a vasectomy? Fool!", (shades of the camel to drink - McW)
There was a young harlot of Clyde, An old man who had his face lifted, This poor fellow just couldn't win; In an F D A policy shift Plastic surgery went badly astray, An old woman, well-known for her pluck, Her beauty was fading away. Insistent she was though, I heared, Two inept plastic surgeons, both shits, When skin gets all wrinkled and slack, Said the surgeon, "I drink, Mrs. Buck, "Your impotent husband, you see, When Jill's features give her some woes, There once was a maid with a pimple; An unfortunate lady named Piles, There once was a lady called Rose A surgeon who hailed from Cape Horn, An attempt to restore your virginity In silicone, some place their trust; For a wrinkled old biddy named Marts For a wrinkled old biddy named Cass, There was an old farmer named Dow, Bob Casey, a governor quite smart, The transplant had finally started; The transplant has finally started; In Chicago a singer named Larry A fellow from Jefferson City Tom was one of those unlucky men "So, Les, you're no good in the sack," "See here, you can pick your own goat. The day for the operation's come; Les goes, humps his wife willy nilly, After a time, as it seems, Les and she Why'd Les lose his lust for her fanny? Said Les, "Doc, I'm in trouble deep. As sheep now for Les are attractive, Ah Billy, I knew this kid well... Citing sex among kids can be thorny, Now kids and their nannies are fine Now, which will it be, boffing nannies
Had a do-it-yourself tonsillectomy,
A swallow she made
Of an old razor blade,
And the bonus, a neat hysterectomy.
--- Anon
That night, with her man in position,
That blade did emerge,
In an orgasmic surge,
And gave him a quick circumcision.
--- Anon
In the sluice-room he's having a whack.
(When finished, I hope
He remembers the soap
And removes his disgusting old Mac.)
--- Peter Wilkins
In less than a minute or two.
Already prepared
Is young Debbie, de-haired,
With incision marks pencilled in blue.
--- Peter Wilkins
For scalpels, blunt needles and more.
They slipped t'other day
From the instrument tray,
After surgury finished at four.
--- Peter Wilkins
And sighs as he fondles his crotch.
Then scratching his ass,
Takes a sniff of the gas,
And a swig from a bottle of scotch.
--- Peter Wilkins
The surgeon comes staggering in.
He looks for a vein;
Then he picks up his chain-
Saw and switches it on with a grin.
--- Peter Wilkins
With a yell, he begins his attack.
At terrible fate
For poor Debbie, but wait...
He hacked off his own tackle slack.
--- Peter Wilkins
By a tremendous, festering 'roid.
She lay on her tummy
While they whittled her bummy,
Now her sphincter is totally destroyed.
--- Hambone
With a damaged parietal lobe.
I'll give you a clue:
His doctor, who's new,
Used a scalpel instead of a probe.
--- Al Willis P9806
Surgeon's losing his marbles again;
For whenever work's dull,
He chops bits off his skull,
And declares himself perfectly sane.
--- Peter Wilkins
Then surgically opened a cranium.
His bowels got churny,
Spewed crap on the gurney,
The patient has shit for a brain-ium.
--- Anon
"I've had silicone implants, dear Fritz;
Well, you wanted me bigger",
She said with a snigger.
"Not there; what I meant were your tits."
--- Anon
Said the surgeon, "Now concentrate, dear.
See? It's simple as ... Shit!
Now I've sliced off her tit;
And I have no insurance, I fear!"
--- Peter Wilkins
Unwilling to pay an M.D.
Tried a home-made face-lift
But the lift took a shift
And her pubis is now a goatee.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9107X
And I'd grimace with pain. I surmise
If the doc made suggestions,
I'd answer his questions
With mezzo-soprano replies.
--- Peter Wilkins
Their masks are not really for show.
If there is a mistake,
They'll all get a break;
Who cut the wrong thing? We won't know!
--- Jeralah
The doc simply says, "What the heck?" to me;
But his profit is high.
Maybe I'm the fall guy;
It looks like a case of low tech to me.
--- Armand Singer
Let the nail grow too long on his thumb.
Under threat of perjury,
I swear he does surgery
With the thrust of his thumb up your bum.
--- Tom Patton
My hammer and chisel are here,
But where are my trusty
Old pliers and rusty
Old carving-knife? Vanished I fear.
--- Anon
Get ready; I'll make a new date;
But say, what would please ya
More - no anaesthesia?
Or battered unconscious, old mate?
--- Jon Gearhart
To assist in your surgery dear.
I'll give Doc a hand,
Repairing to your gland,
But first can I please have a beer?
--- Anon
And there's hundreds of yards of it; but
It's so slippery...Shit!
Where the hell does it fit?
I'll just shove the damn stuff up his butt!"
--- Peter Wilkins
Such pain, won't you help me find ease?"
But the old CHARLATAN
Said "We'll have to trepan --
There's no other way to appease."
--- Eva Amata
I flipped into angst overdrive
And said to that quack:
You put that thing back --
I'd rather be sore and alive!"
--- Eva Amata
Took aim and then made his incision.
He passed out when he saw
All the blood and the gore;
Now he's treated with utmost derision.
--- Peter Wilkins
Said the surgeon, "Just lift up his tool
And I'll show you some tricks
With a couple of bricks
That I learned in veterinary school!"
--- Peter Wilkins X
Whose doctor cut open her hide.
He misplaced his stitches
And closed the wrong niches;
She now does her work on the side.
--- Anon G1761X
Was vain and told them he was gifted.
But everyone who saw
The pubic hair on his jaw,
Knew how much the skin had been shifted.
--- Anon
The stench of his breath was a sin.
And as the face rose,
That long runny nose
Gave way to an odd double chin.
--- Anon
That should leave all competitors miffed,
Mentor may now sell
Its silicone gel,
Which should give all the boobs a big lift.
--- Limerick Savant
To a poor silly lady's dismay.
The medical hack
Put her boobs on her back;
Now she works in a sideshow for pay.
--- Anon
Had a face-lift, prosthesis, and tuck.
When the bill was presented
She said, "I'm demented!
The lengths which I'll go for a fuck!"
--- Anon
This is file mjl
Doc said, "One more facelift? No way!
Apply this face cream.
But don't even dream
It's a cure - just Oil of Okay."
--- Anon
For a facelift, and just as he feared,
Once they pulled the skin tight
She sure looked a sight...
She's sporting a fuzzy black beard.
--- Anon
Were, at breast augmentation, the pits.
Their work on false knockers,
Inflamed irate mockers;
They clearly made patients take fits.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0305
And gravity weighs down the rack,
A pull, nip, and a tuck,
Some cellulite suck;
What time takes, a surgeon gives back.
--- Anon
So we're both of us really in luck.
Since your sexual cavern
Is as big as a tavern,
What I plan is to nip...and then tuck."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Needs implants," advised Dr. Bee;
"They'll allow an erection,
They will stop his dejection,
And warrant my outrageous fee."
--- Armand E Singer 833
To the plastic surgeon, she goes.
If you want the same,
Then Ogg is the name.
Come on girls, and pick your own nose.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To have it removed was quite simple.
'Twas cut out with a knife;
For the rest of her life,
In its place she was left with a dimple.
--- Edwin J Weinstein X
Had the ugliest bottom for miles.
But her surgeon took pity
And made it quite pretty,
All dimples, and poutings, and smiles.
--- G0421
Who was ashamed of the shape of her nose.
So she had it arranged
To have the shape changed;
Only now it honks when she blows.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Had rebuilt a cock that was worn.
But his climaxing feat
Was replacing the meat,
Of a snatch that was tattered and torn.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1763
Would test the great minds of surgeonity.
The best we could do
Is a small stitch or two,
And shave off your patch of furrinity.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Some feel they just pander to lust.
But to keep you abreast
Of the F D A test,
The implants are still a big bust.
--- Limerick Savant
Doctors grafted smooth skin from rear parts;
Her face now looks great,
Still, don't celebrate:
From her mouth come no burps, but vile farts.
--- Armand E Singer
Doctors grafted smooth skin off her ass.
We now see a drouth
Of burps from her mouth,
But she simply can't stop passing gas.
--- Armand E Singer
Who said, "I feel wonderful now.
They've transplanted the tongue,
And a piece of the lung,
And the liver which came from mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy cow."
--- Anon
Played an important political part.
He reversed on an issue,
Post transplant of some tissue,
And acknowledged he had had change of heart.
--- Thomas G Heller P9504
The incision was carefully charted.
The dog was just sliced,
And the chicken was spliced,
And the dog is not quite chicken-hearted.
--- Al Willis
The incision was carefully charted.
The will has been writ.
The doc's a misfit.
Now pray for the dearly departed.
--- Al Willis P9801
Took estrogen pills -- and it's scary.
His voice went from alto
To mezzo-soprano,
And his tits are quite shapely, but hairy.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q
Took the estrogen pills. What a pity!
The man is aghast;
His pecker's half mast,
And there's milk coming out of each titty.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q
Who mistakenly took estrogen.
He's now making eyes
At several young guys,
And his bra size is forty-two N!
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q
Said Doctor John Brinkley, the quack.
"It's goat glands you need,
To stimulate seed;
You'll soon get your virility back."
--- Tiddy Ogg
We'll grab him and chop off his scrote,
And implant a slice
Of his balls in a trice,
And soon you'll have a huge throbbing choat."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Anesthetised Les is, with rum,
The goat scrote's injected,
Will it work as expected?
"Who cares, I've just earned a great sum."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And though you may think this tale's silly,
Ten months pass away,
Then the proud parents say:
"We've got us a son, name of Billy."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Had less sex than before surgery.
Alas that poor butter
Had no lead in its putter.
Said the vet, "My guess is Goat E.D."
--- Vie
Lost love for a lifeless loose cranny?
Come on, don't be silly!
With a kid like their Billy,
They both had a need for a nanny!
--- John Miller
With my wife, my dick's fast asleep,
But it keeps me awake,
And it's hard as a stake
When I'm lying in bed counting sheep."
--- Vie
And with wife his wood less reactive,
She cries and she sobs
Wishing all those blow jobs
From the past were somehow retroactive.
--- Vie
But I guess that it's best we not dwell
On the girls we both made,
In about the eighth grade,
Who loved his satyrical smell.
--- John Miller
But this lim is harmless, if corny:
At our junior high
It made mothers cry
'Cause Billy and I were so horny.
--- John Miller
When butting big Billy's big pine.
But if they should suck it
Or turn 'round and fuck it,
I'd say that I wish it were mine.
Who often are middle-aged grannies,
Or under-age quail
Who land you in jail
For stuffing their tight little crannies?
--- John Miller
MORE