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A psychoneurotic fanatic, There was a young girl of Cohoes, Still there's nothing quite like masturbation, While wanking with too much conviction, Last night while in bed I did groan; A silly young lad from Frisco Use the previous limerick as warning, Don't play with yourself now, young man; When young Billy Bloggs was alone, A massage parlor mogul named Drew, An ancient mathematical theory, The head of the clan of the Slaters, There was an Old Person of Philly, A perverted baker named Frank, There once was a local called Land Hmmm, now let me just see; A geneticist living in Delft, 2 - 4 - 6 - 8 There once was a girl from Des Moines, I went to the track and told Walter On a fishing boat near the equator, A SAPONACEOUS guy, sly, There was a young fellow in Weed Said a sailor who served on the Maine, I thank you for letting me vent; My hands are the love of my life; The Work Manager gets his delight To peek is admitting you're slutless, A lady who worked in Cebu "Now, Tommy," said Janet, "feel free There once was a man who's named Meeker, A strapping young teenager, Dan -- He thought that web porno was grand; This finger, the one in the middle, A lonely young dandy named Andy There was a young man who's named Rick, A thrifty old man named McEwen, "This chemical's touchy! Don't scoff! A butch body-builder from Brum A speedy young jeweler named Oak, I'd much prefer your help with this; My efforts at love wer ham-fisted; If luck with the ladies is poor, If you're one who oft chokes his chicken, When lonely, men should sing a psalm; A clever young sinner named Bundy A final thought as I stare at the sky; An unususal man of Kukti Whenever the urge starts to perk, Nothing succeeds like success, An abelian group lived far away, Ed Howard (whose lip is hirsute) (Valuated Abelian Groups)
There once was a function of x We are given a basis in E We heard about Bayesian interiors, Edward Cech, by Almighty God's grace, The talk by an old guy named Doering Peskin I think was the first How smart the conditions of C-R; (Cauchy - Rhiemann)
Here they come, hot off the griddle, (Cauchy - Rhiemann)
The last of those spunky Mohicans Per-Olaf courts with disaster A reality complex had Fred. Since Day told us to be economical, Rafferty used models to cluster, A graduate student from Trinity
Said, "I take little girls to the attic,
Then whistle a tune,
'Bout the cow and the moon--
When the cow jumps, I come. It's dramatic!"
--- L1419
Who jerked herself off with her nose.
She said, "Yes, I done it
But just for the fun it
Afforded the folk of Cohoes."
--- L1255
For a quick trip from life's lowly station.
You can have Courtney Cox,
Or any young fox,
Just watch out for the callous abrasion!
--- Anon
Beware of this nasty affliction:
A woman too loose
Will be of no use,
Because you've been so used to friction.
--- Anon
I grunted and squirmed, even moan.
The excitement, you see,
Just got too much for me.
It's too bad I was also alone.
--- Anon
"Spanked his monkey" with handfulls of Crisco.
He cried with alarm,
"I was large as my arm!
Now where in hell did my dick go?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
When using "Rosie Palm" when you're horny.
Heed the story I wrote
As a signaling note,
And don't "flog your dolphin" with shortening!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Such crudeness we nurses can't stand.
If you have to be rude,
Pull the curtains 'round, dude,
And use what I've got, not your hand.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He'd sexually abuse his phone.
He'd take the handpiece
And cover it in grease
Then get hard to the sound of the tone.
--- Judd
Insists that it's probably true,
That he established the specs
For masseuse-furnished sex
With the slogan, "We're pulling for you!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Of which I have always been leery,
Says, "To compute,
Just grab your square root
And pump until you are weary."
--- Neal Wilgus P8506
No passel of Johnny-come-laters,
Has honed his technique
For years, months, and weeks:
The best of the world's masturbaters.
--- Armand Singer
Whose conduct was scroobious and silly;
He used his right palm
When the weather was calm,
And his left when the weather was chilly.
--- Edwardian Leer 046
Created a new way to spank
His monkey, and so
He mixed up some dough,
And rolled it around on his wank.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who had a quite limber right hand.
One night he screamed,
"This damned Vaseline,
Some bastard has mixed in some sand!"
--- Jeff Daeschner
Of orifices, I do have three.
If you'd be so bold
And one of them hold,
You could help to satisfy me
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Scientifically played with himself.
And when he was done,
He labeled it: Son,
And filed it away on a shelf.
--- Edward Gorey L1262
Everybody masturbate!
Breathe deep and moan,
Scream load and groan,
Until you ejaculate.
--- Sick Cheerleader
Who got herself off with some coins.
"I'll go deranged,
When I run out of change,"
She said as she emptied her loins.
--- Anon
To watch for the girl who could alter
A man's disposition
With strong wrist position,
That she got from her years as pole vaulter.
--- Anon
Dates with girls had to wait till much later.
So the crew would get high
And together they'd vie
For the title of "Ships Master Baiter".
--- Grosman TP9804
Would passes at girls always try.
He ususally missed,
Which left him quite pissed.
So he soaped his own palm to get by.
--- Chris Papa
Addicted to spilling his seed.
No chick in the town
Would with him bed down.
"Hell no, my hand it would bleed!"
--- Anon
"I've seldom been one to complain,
But from flogging my dong
In the shower so long,
It even gets stiff in the rain!"
My penis is just about spent.
My teeth were grating,
Whilst I, masturbating,
Stroked it so hard that it bent.
--- Anon
At this rate, I won't need a wife.
You too can discover
Yours are a good lover.
If the left hurts, just switch to the rife.
--- Rodney Williams
From a game he plays everry night:
With his penis in hand,
He feels really grand,
Switching from left hand to right.
--- G2114
So, therefore, you polish your cutlass;
Now, Archie, stay calm...
One slip of your palm
Could render you eunuchly nutless!
--- Anon
Slowly drew this from my flue:
A long silken cord
With pearls. Oh my Lord!
I exclaimed as my oyster sauce blew.
--- H Welchel
To fiddle around where I pee,
But I don't want to linger
Too long on a finger;
At least you could try using three!"
Who sought his jollies from a speaker.
He put on the bass
Just under his ass,
And his peter was tweaked by the tweaker!
--- Puff Adder
His first love affair, his right han'.
Then growing more deft,
He transferred to his left
And now is a two fisted man.
--- Irving Superior P8502
With smut from all over the land.
Now he's stuck in his home
(Carpal tunnel syndrome)
From typing with only one hand!
--- Anon
This is file mel
Can hardly be thought of as little,
But I find its best use
Is not for abuse,
But to help when I diddle my fiddle.
--- Norm Storer P0508
Was wholly and utterly randy,
So he mastered self-love
And discovered a glove
Was frequently coming in handy.
--- Jerry Nordal P0509
Who, craving a thrill, stuck his dick
In a video recorder
And pressed on "Fast Forward."
He'd never been brought off so quick!
--- Serpens
Enquired, "Why bother with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner (I finger my muffin)
To finger your wiener, (It's safer than stuffin',)
And besides you can see what you're doing."
--- L1295
The step of a fly sets it off!"
Said George with a tad.
Sighed I, "As a lad
So could I, well before my first boff!"
--- John Miller
Was wholly unable to come,
Till he tried masturbation
In rapt contemplation
Of pics of his muscular bum.
--- Mike Thurlow P9105
Fixed clocks that were damaged or broke.
He opened the face,
And in a short space,
He changed hands without missing a stroke.
--- G2177
While your fingers dance we could kiss.
Your fingers excite me;
And if you'll rub nightly,
I'll no longer strain my weak wrist!
--- Anon
The women soon had me black-listed.
But being left on the shelf
To make love to myself,
Has made me somewhat weak-wristed.
--- Frank Fazed
And all of them find you a boor,
Use fingers instead;
As beer ads once said,
It's just what your right arm is for.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And you find your digits are stickin',
Hook a wet/dry vac
Up to your nut sack.
No mess, which means less finger lickin'.
--- Pthyrus
Its melody is sure to calm;
It's also real wise
For all lonely guys
To thrust the old spear to the palm.
--- Anon
Invented the ultimate fun day:
You tickle your tummy
While flogging your dummy,
And downing a Dairy Queen sundae.
--- Armand Singer
Pondering as life passes my by,
What is to me
The great mystery:
If dogs lick their balls, why can't I!
--- Sandman
Could wank himself off with one eye.
For a while, though, he pined
When his eyeball declined
To function because of a stye.
--- Stephen Cordwell L1285
A time with Ms Palmer might work,
To calm down your memeber.
But please to remember,
Ms Palmer must work with a jerk!
--- Travis Brasell
As these formulas show with finesse.
Thus again and again,
A gets bigger with n,
Though not quite as big as you'd guess.
--- Anon
And spent hours in the car every day.
They complained to their pa,
(For whom ab wasn't ba)
"This commuting is turning us grey."
--- Arthur Leek
Thinks often of groups that commute.
Now they're valuated,
And most highly rated.
Of this there can be no dispute.
--- Literary Group
With deplorable notions of sex.
In a half-Baire condition
It attempted coition
With a function weakly complex.
--- Leo Moser
And a new basis we want to be,
The inverse transpose
Is what we propose,
Is a basis of it's dual space, we see!
--- Anon
That some people think are superior.
This called into question
The age old suggestion,
That Bayesians have better posteriors.
--- Anon
Was the first man on Earth for to trace
The sordid and dreary
Cohomology theory
Of a subnormal bicompact space.
--- Leo Mosher
Was totally, numblingly boring.
So I just copied James
And ogled the dames,
Whilst dreaming of drinking and whoring.
--- Anon
To study a boundary immersed.
But his talk on osmosis
Caused a fatal thrombosis,
When poor Micah Dembo's brain burst.
--- Anon
They're almost as brilliant as we are.
But they're known for their slyness.
Watch out for the minus
Or we'll spend half the night in the E.R.
--- Anon
Spiffy and spicy and little.
One sports a plus,
The other mi-nus.
And none of them sports in the middle.
--- Anon
Was at work on a long Cauchy sequence.
It was i pi y
From Monday to Fri,
And he took it back home on the weekends.
--- Anon
When expansions attempting to master.
He dawdles for hours
Expanding in powers,
When Chebychev does it much faster.
--- C Allen Bush
He felt kind of bad in the head.
So he took Complex Far
With Cohen Lamar;
Got a complex complex instead.
--- Anon
Dave's matrices now are all conical.
But to show them this way
In triangle array,
Is hardly a form that's canonical.
--- Literary Group
Weird decompositions he'd muster.
Sorts pods versus peas.
Nash replied, "Oh please,
Criterion-based, you can trust her."
--- Anon
Computed the cube of infinity;
But it gave him the fidgets
To write down all those digits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.
--- Q
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