A quarrelsome cutie named Wright
Cried, "Your gross self-abuse is a fright!
Now you listen, you pelf,
You can't do it yourself,
Then cohabit with me the same night."
--- Grand Prix Lim 801

There was a young man named Malone
Who liked to have sex on the phone.
He dialed nine hundred numbers,
And wonder of wonders,
When he came, he was always alone.
--- Bob Moers TP9804

Religiously, Simon the Stylite
Sits motionless up until twilight;
But after night falls,
He can play with his balls;
For him the day's only real highlight.
--- Norm Storer

A young man with no occupation,
Pumped gas in the town's service station.
But they've gone to self-serve
And with no cash reserve,
He has found all that's free...masturbation.
--- Bob Birch P9902

He liked to jerk his own bone,
In his old beat down trailer-tract home.
As he got a lot older,
His right arm grew bolder,
And he still has his orgies alone.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I told her that I masturbated.
She told me I'd get constipated.
I didn't heed her
And played with my peter.
Never again have I defecated.
--- Anon

Just the thought of the warm place that she
Keeps between her legs, waiting for me,
Makes me shiver in desire,
Fills my glands with fire;
Just that HER, I will never see.
--- Anon

Because the woman that I'm talking of,
Is just a dream of wet love,
I think she's not real,
And for this I feel
That wanking should just be enough.
--- Matt Cable

Sad thing is, the "manual" way
Does not make you happy all day,
For a woman's scent gland
And lily-white hand
Do much more than all words can say.
--- Anon

So what am I about to do?
Find me a girlfriend to screw?
That's too hard for me,
For these woman I see
Are just silly and without a clue.
--- Anon

So: If I could stand out all their talk,
(Sooner lame men will rise and walk,)
Then it would be my turn
To make some pussys burn,
And jump their beds like a great hawk.
--- Anon

But that day, I guess will never come,
So with my hand, I must get along.
To keep me from pain
'Caused by minds that plain,
So tell me, what do I do wrong?
--- Anon

A boy swallowed a bullet. Agog?
But he'd not pass the bullet in fog.
Privately one day
(He didn't like to say)
But while masturbating, he shot the dog!
--- Anon

I awoke with a stiffy quite grand,
But supply wasn't meeting demand.
She proclaimed, "That's not right.
You just had some last night!
It's a small load, go do it by hand."
--- Anon

He showed himself great kindness,
Though he ran the risk of blindness.
"Be wary, you sod,
Of the loving god
And congestion not in your sinus."
--- Jim Jambor P9009

An anonymous poet online
Tied his dick to his hand with some twine.
When he typed a long word,
It tugged on his gourd
And shortened the length of his spine.
--- Anon

I used to jerk off with great slight,
But I had a bad crash Walpurgis Night.
My wrist it is sprained;
No more I'll be drained.
Oh, I bemoan my sad plight.
--- Anon

Al Prufrock, a lover with angst
Was stymied, though sweetly he sangst;
Achieving coition
Was his burning ambition
But nightly was left to his wangst.
--- Observer

Once while he was getting a bangst,
The telephone suddenly rangst.
He answered it fast
But joy didn't last,
'Cause when he did, up they did hangst!
--- Observer

My sister's in lust, do you taunt
Those succubi who will haunt
Your dreams night and day,
In every witch way,
If you do what you shouldn't a ought...
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young man named Sands,
Whose wife refused his demands,
For sex normal or perverted,
So now he's reverted
To taking matters into his own hands.
--- Phred

To the doc said a worried man, Ray,
"My erection has failed in mid-play."
Said the doc, "Since your gland
Won't respond on command,
I suggest that you beat it each day."
--- Al Chaplin P9608

The once was a guy named Nate
Who used Tickle-Me Elmo as bait.
He was such a wacko,
Then he became Jacko
And went home to masturbate.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An aging old pansy from Guelf
Was finally laid on the shelf,
Where he thought back in time
To his lecherous prime
And nostalgically played with himself.
--- Hugh Oliver 65b

If a man takes what's made for to stand
Upright proud, far too often in hand,
For a manipulation
Aimed for ejaculation,
Things wear out like an old rubber band.
--- Ulla

A twang on the old rubber band,
In the absence of mammary gland,
And the sweet tasting pearl
Of a regular girl,
Is a fine thing to do with one's hand.
--- Peter Wilkins

It's exercise, see, for the fingers,
For girls who need petting that lingers;
And though I'm not hung
Like a donkey, my tongue
Is perfection for sweet cunnilingus.
--- Peter Wilkins

'Tis in cream that you must have dreamt,
And mornings that you have spent
Alone in your bed,
Wishing for head,
But drowning in wetness you've spent.
--- Anon

There was a young man of Montrose,
Who could diddle himself with his toes.
He could do it so neat,
He fell in love with his feet,
And christened them Myrtle and Rose.
--- L1309

Oh, that supple young man of Montrose,
Who tickled his tail with his toes!
His landlady said,
As she made up his bed,
"My God! How that man blows his nose!"
--- L1310

An anchorite with ways ASCETIC
Prayed in a manner athletic;
With hands 'neath his robe,
He'd constantly probe
For new found joys masturbetic.
--- Chris Papa

Some people feel misunderstood,
And think a dog's life must be good.
We'd enjoy the sensation
Of auto-fellation--
I'm sure we all would if we could!
--- CeeJay

As she sat on her porcelain bidet,
She learned to adjust the warm spray.
Sensations so pleasant,
It seemed effervescent,
So she threw her vibrator away.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0308

This is file mfl

There was a young fellow named Chisholm,
Afflicted with skin erotism.
In bathing, he'd rub
His prick on the tub,
'Till the water was soapy with jism.
--- L1253

There was a young man from Nantucket,
Who cock was so long he could suck it.
He looked in the glass,
And saw his own ass,
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
--- L0494

There once was a wanker, McGill,
Who shot pasty wads with great skill.
His spunk on the fly
Brought down ducks from the sky,
Between fluffs by a huntress named Jill.
--- Randog

I once knew a Yuppy named Mark
Who got busy when it got dark.
He rub on his dick
Like a boyscout with sticks.
He once even caused a spark!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A young man, quite well known to be deft,
Said, "My dear, do not feel so bereft.
Though I've sprained my right hand,
I'm not really unmanned.
I can diddle quite well with my left."
--- Isaac Asimov

A passionate maiden from China,
Would gently caress her vagina.
She fondly would linger
With each little finger,
As though nothing in China was finer.
--- Anon

A passionate fellow named Garrity
Would proud of his ambidexterity:
He'd use both his hands
For flogging his glans,
Or either, with equal temerity.
--- Armand E Singer 621

Now you should know this site's creator
Is a world-class gold medal masturbater.
He once won the Gold
For his famous choke-hold,
And hopes there is more to come later.
--- Phil T

In high school for nymphos we'd pray;
We'd fantasize every which way;
Above and below;
From ear lob to toe;
Enhancing each slow masturba------.
--- Irving Superior P9603

A dirty old Scot named MacNether
Abused himself out in the heather.
He'd fondle his scrotum
And diddle his totem,
While tickling himself with a feather.
--- Armand E Singer 60

Amateurs don't understand!
It's not best to just use your hand.
With a good lubricator,
A ten-inch vibrator,
Can make you feel OH so grand!
--- Big D

While exploring an ancient pagoda,
I happened upon a stone coda.
If you masturbate,
(Or so it translates)
Remember to devise your own moda.
--- Arden

Miss Palmer and four Fister sisters
Have brought relief to many poor misters.
But they've found in the past
If they rubbed it too fast,
That sometimes, it left them with blisters!
--- Kaylin

When sore, apply some Bag Balm
To the blisters on pecker and palm.
They heal up real quick;
And back on the prick,
When they see a cow, they're not calm.
--- Faerie

A clever young sinner named Bundy
Invented the untimate fun day:
You tickle your tummy
While flogging your dummy
And downing a Dairy Queen sundae.
--- Armand Singer P9811

It's good that you know how to wank;
Grab ahold of that puppy and yank.
The next time you're in bed,
Pull it over your head,
And give both your butt cheeks a spank.
--- Anon

My hand, I'll think you'll agree,
Are better than women to me.
I'll dress up my cock
In a pretty red frock,
And my hands take advantage of me.
--- Rodney Williams

A real working-man, when alone,
Continues to work, as he's prone
To do. With no qualms,
He blisters his palms,
By working his hands to the bone.
--- Travis Brasell

"Work smarter, not harder," I say
(Though hard is my big beef fillet).
A blonde does my jerking
And work I'll be shirking,
While tasting her hot cheese souffle.
--- Randog

A lad with a marvelous bend,
Has no need of lover or friend.
What he does to himself
Would fill up a shelf,
But alas, he has come to his end.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

It's said masturbation makes you blind;
Listen here 'cause I have a new kind
Of way to get off,
Than the regular boff.
It's an incredible way to unwind.
--- Coolbreeze

Wrap it just once 'round your wrist,
Then give it a most painful twist.
When it starts to get hard,
You'll sing like a bard,
As you come in a quite heavy mist!
--- Coolbreeze

While you are enjoying your peter,
You beat the hell out of your meter;
Now go tell that hand
To pump something grand,
Like verses that scan so much sweeter.
--- Travis Brasell

Normal wanking, called "beating the meat",
Takes a two-four, iambic type beat;
But a limmer sans spouse,
Hums a waltz tune by Strauss,
With some strokes that some folks find effete!
--- Allen Wolverton

For your wanking to have its best range,
The left, for your right hand, exchange.
For when used at this angle
To strangle the dangle,
It's like having a nice touch of strange.
--- Hugh Clary

But for wanking that really does smoke,
With a rhythm designed not to choke,
Use a left-handed guide
So the right hand will slide
Down the up-thrust without losing stroke.
--- Travis Brasell

Since sex books are no longer banned,
You can read about tricks that are grand;
But you can't do them right,
Thought you practice all night,
If you are holding the text in one hand.
--- Norm Storer

For my organ of sex I concede it
Is my pleasure to know whence to lead it.
If it sits like a stub,
I give it a rub.
Let it never be said, "I don't knead it".
--- Dick Buenger P8309A

There was an old man of Hong Kong,
Who never did anything wrong.
He would lie on his back,
With his head in a sack,
And secretly finger his dong.
--- Anon

There was a young person of Goring,
Who made a small hole in the flooring.
He lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.

(Published 1879)
--- L1272

Der berreichsmarchall, Herr Goering,
Macht ein kkleinische hole in der fliring.
Er lined es alle rund
Und gespoken der grund
Und declaren "Ist cheaper zan horring."
--- Anon

I hope you all don't think I'm sick.
You know you've all played with your dick.
Once you chub it up nice,
Made it even spit twice,
Did you know it can even learn tricks?
--- Anon

What a shame about losing your sight,
From your solitary delight.
I'm telling you true,
It's more fun with two --
And I don't mean your left and your right!
--- Kaylin Brandon

He'd grab it and hold the thing tight,
To force it to become upright.
Then he'd rub it real slow
To make the thing grow;
He did this each morning and night.
--- Kaylin Brandon