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A quarrelsome cutie named Wright There was a young man named Malone Religiously, Simon the Stylite A young man with no occupation, He liked to jerk his own bone, I told her that I masturbated. Just the thought of the warm place that she Because the woman that I'm talking of, Sad thing is, the "manual" way So what am I about to do? So: If I could stand out all their talk, But that day, I guess will never come, A boy swallowed a bullet. Agog? I awoke with a stiffy quite grand, He showed himself great kindness, An anonymous poet online I used to jerk off with great slight, Al Prufrock, a lover with angst Once while he was getting a bangst, My sister's in lust, do you taunt There was a young man named Sands, To the doc said a worried man, Ray, The once was a guy named Nate An aging old pansy from Guelf If a man takes what's made for to stand A twang on the old rubber band, It's exercise, see, for the fingers, 'Tis in cream that you must have dreamt, There was a young man of Montrose, Oh, that supple young man of Montrose, An anchorite with ways ASCETIC Some people feel misunderstood, As she sat on her porcelain bidet, There was a young fellow named Chisholm, There was a young man from Nantucket, There once was a wanker, McGill, I once knew a Yuppy named Mark A young man, quite well known to be deft, A passionate maiden from China, A passionate fellow named Garrity Now you should know this site's creator In high school for nymphos we'd pray; A dirty old Scot named MacNether Amateurs don't understand! While exploring an ancient pagoda, Miss Palmer and four Fister sisters When sore, apply some Bag Balm A clever young sinner named Bundy It's good that you know how to wank; My hand, I'll think you'll agree, A real working-man, when alone, "Work smarter, not harder," I say A lad with a marvelous bend, It's said masturbation makes you blind; Wrap it just once 'round your wrist, While you are enjoying your peter, Normal wanking, called "beating the meat", For your wanking to have its best range, But for wanking that really does smoke, Since sex books are no longer banned, For my organ of sex I concede it There was an old man of Hong Kong, There was a young person of Goring, (Published 1879)
Der berreichsmarchall, Herr Goering, I hope you all don't think I'm sick. What a shame about losing your sight, He'd grab it and hold the thing tight,
Cried, "Your gross self-abuse is a fright!
Now you listen, you pelf,
You can't do it yourself,
Then cohabit with me the same night."
--- Grand Prix Lim 801
Who liked to have sex on the phone.
He dialed nine hundred numbers,
And wonder of wonders,
When he came, he was always alone.
--- Bob Moers TP9804
Sits motionless up until twilight;
But after night falls,
He can play with his balls;
For him the day's only real highlight.
--- Norm Storer
Pumped gas in the town's service station.
But they've gone to self-serve
And with no cash reserve,
He has found all that's free...masturbation.
--- Bob Birch P9902
In his old beat down trailer-tract home.
As he got a lot older,
His right arm grew bolder,
And he still has his orgies alone.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
She told me I'd get constipated.
I didn't heed her
And played with my peter.
Never again have I defecated.
--- Anon
Keeps between her legs, waiting for me,
Makes me shiver in desire,
Fills my glands with fire;
Just that HER, I will never see.
--- Anon
Is just a dream of wet love,
I think she's not real,
And for this I feel
That wanking should just be enough.
--- Matt Cable
Does not make you happy all day,
For a woman's scent gland
And lily-white hand
Do much more than all words can say.
--- Anon
Find me a girlfriend to screw?
That's too hard for me,
For these woman I see
Are just silly and without a clue.
--- Anon
(Sooner lame men will rise and walk,)
Then it would be my turn
To make some pussys burn,
And jump their beds like a great hawk.
--- Anon
So with my hand, I must get along.
To keep me from pain
'Caused by minds that plain,
So tell me, what do I do wrong?
--- Anon
But he'd not pass the bullet in fog.
Privately one day
(He didn't like to say)
But while masturbating, he shot the dog!
--- Anon
But supply wasn't meeting demand.
She proclaimed, "That's not right.
You just had some last night!
It's a small load, go do it by hand."
--- Anon
Though he ran the risk of blindness.
"Be wary, you sod,
Of the loving god
And congestion not in your sinus."
--- Jim Jambor P9009
Tied his dick to his hand with some twine.
When he typed a long word,
It tugged on his gourd
And shortened the length of his spine.
--- Anon
But I had a bad crash Walpurgis Night.
My wrist it is sprained;
No more I'll be drained.
Oh, I bemoan my sad plight.
--- Anon
Was stymied, though sweetly he sangst;
Achieving coition
Was his burning ambition
But nightly was left to his wangst.
--- Observer
The telephone suddenly rangst.
He answered it fast
But joy didn't last,
'Cause when he did, up they did hangst!
--- Observer
Those succubi who will haunt
Your dreams night and day,
In every witch way,
If you do what you shouldn't a ought...
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose wife refused his demands,
For sex normal or perverted,
So now he's reverted
To taking matters into his own hands.
--- Phred
"My erection has failed in mid-play."
Said the doc, "Since your gland
Won't respond on command,
I suggest that you beat it each day."
--- Al Chaplin P9608
Who used Tickle-Me Elmo as bait.
He was such a wacko,
Then he became Jacko
And went home to masturbate.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was finally laid on the shelf,
Where he thought back in time
To his lecherous prime
And nostalgically played with himself.
--- Hugh Oliver 65b
Upright proud, far too often in hand,
For a manipulation
Aimed for ejaculation,
Things wear out like an old rubber band.
--- Ulla
In the absence of mammary gland,
And the sweet tasting pearl
Of a regular girl,
Is a fine thing to do with one's hand.
--- Peter Wilkins
For girls who need petting that lingers;
And though I'm not hung
Like a donkey, my tongue
Is perfection for sweet cunnilingus.
--- Peter Wilkins
And mornings that you have spent
Alone in your bed,
Wishing for head,
But drowning in wetness you've spent.
--- Anon
Who could diddle himself with his toes.
He could do it so neat,
He fell in love with his feet,
And christened them Myrtle and Rose.
--- L1309
Who tickled his tail with his toes!
His landlady said,
As she made up his bed,
"My God! How that man blows his nose!"
--- L1310
Prayed in a manner athletic;
With hands 'neath his robe,
He'd constantly probe
For new found joys masturbetic.
--- Chris Papa
And think a dog's life must be good.
We'd enjoy the sensation
Of auto-fellation--
I'm sure we all would if we could!
--- CeeJay
She learned to adjust the warm spray.
Sensations so pleasant,
It seemed effervescent,
So she threw her vibrator away.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0308
This is file mfl
Afflicted with skin erotism.
In bathing, he'd rub
His prick on the tub,
'Till the water was soapy with jism.
--- L1253
Who cock was so long he could suck it.
He looked in the glass,
And saw his own ass,
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
--- L0494
Who shot pasty wads with great skill.
His spunk on the fly
Brought down ducks from the sky,
Between fluffs by a huntress named Jill.
--- Randog
Who got busy when it got dark.
He rub on his dick
Like a boyscout with sticks.
He once even caused a spark!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Said, "My dear, do not feel so bereft.
Though I've sprained my right hand,
I'm not really unmanned.
I can diddle quite well with my left."
--- Isaac Asimov
Would gently caress her vagina.
She fondly would linger
With each little finger,
As though nothing in China was finer.
--- Anon
Would proud of his ambidexterity:
He'd use both his hands
For flogging his glans,
Or either, with equal temerity.
--- Armand E Singer 621
Is a world-class gold medal masturbater.
He once won the Gold
For his famous choke-hold,
And hopes there is more to come later.
--- Phil T
We'd fantasize every which way;
Above and below;
From ear lob to toe;
Enhancing each slow masturba------.
--- Irving Superior P9603
Abused himself out in the heather.
He'd fondle his scrotum
And diddle his totem,
While tickling himself with a feather.
--- Armand E Singer 60
It's not best to just use your hand.
With a good lubricator,
A ten-inch vibrator,
Can make you feel OH so grand!
--- Big D
I happened upon a stone coda.
If you masturbate,
(Or so it translates)
Remember to devise your own moda.
--- Arden
Have brought relief to many poor misters.
But they've found in the past
If they rubbed it too fast,
That sometimes, it left them with blisters!
--- Kaylin
To the blisters on pecker and palm.
They heal up real quick;
And back on the prick,
When they see a cow, they're not calm.
--- Faerie
Invented the untimate fun day:
You tickle your tummy
While flogging your dummy
And downing a Dairy Queen sundae.
--- Armand Singer P9811
Grab ahold of that puppy and yank.
The next time you're in bed,
Pull it over your head,
And give both your butt cheeks a spank.
--- Anon
Are better than women to me.
I'll dress up my cock
In a pretty red frock,
And my hands take advantage of me.
--- Rodney Williams
Continues to work, as he's prone
To do. With no qualms,
He blisters his palms,
By working his hands to the bone.
--- Travis Brasell
(Though hard is my big beef fillet).
A blonde does my jerking
And work I'll be shirking,
While tasting her hot cheese souffle.
--- Randog
Has no need of lover or friend.
What he does to himself
Would fill up a shelf,
But alas, he has come to his end.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Listen here 'cause I have a new kind
Of way to get off,
Than the regular boff.
It's an incredible way to unwind.
--- Coolbreeze
Then give it a most painful twist.
When it starts to get hard,
You'll sing like a bard,
As you come in a quite heavy mist!
--- Coolbreeze
You beat the hell out of your meter;
Now go tell that hand
To pump something grand,
Like verses that scan so much sweeter.
--- Travis Brasell
Takes a two-four, iambic type beat;
But a limmer sans spouse,
Hums a waltz tune by Strauss,
With some strokes that some folks find effete!
--- Allen Wolverton
The left, for your right hand, exchange.
For when used at this angle
To strangle the dangle,
It's like having a nice touch of strange.
--- Hugh Clary
With a rhythm designed not to choke,
Use a left-handed guide
So the right hand will slide
Down the up-thrust without losing stroke.
--- Travis Brasell
You can read about tricks that are grand;
But you can't do them right,
Thought you practice all night,
If you are holding the text in one hand.
--- Norm Storer
Is my pleasure to know whence to lead it.
If it sits like a stub,
I give it a rub.
Let it never be said, "I don't knead it".
--- Dick Buenger P8309A
Who never did anything wrong.
He would lie on his back,
With his head in a sack,
And secretly finger his dong.
--- Anon
Who made a small hole in the flooring.
He lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
--- L1272
Macht ein kkleinische hole in der fliring.
Er lined es alle rund
Und gespoken der grund
Und declaren "Ist cheaper zan horring."
--- Anon
You know you've all played with your dick.
Once you chub it up nice,
Made it even spit twice,
Did you know it can even learn tricks?
--- Anon
From your solitary delight.
I'm telling you true,
It's more fun with two --
And I don't mean your left and your right!
--- Kaylin Brandon
To force it to become upright.
Then he'd rub it real slow
To make the thing grow;
He did this each morning and night.
--- Kaylin Brandon
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