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Sold my girlfriend to Mustapha Shag For they're constantly snorting and dumping, I'm having to keep them indoors, So I'm looking to swap sixty-four Whatever she looks like, I bet Come on now, these camels make (Bump!) It always seems a great pity There once was a fellow named Smitty, Now God was desiigned a mammal, Chloe the camel was grumpy, Returned from your wanderings east A sturdy young fellow was Mack; "I talk," claimed a linguist named Hamill, From others I'll come to no harm. A A herd of Peruvian llamas, The Council of old Basra city An Arab whose name was Omar The camel's one ungainly beast, There once was a camel named Grump, A camel who had two humps Selling camels, of course, is not new To his camel, said Arab Abdu, A stupid, old camel called "Blinking" The camel, with two humps or one, A dashing romantic vicuna There's a nomad, who roams near the Nile, (I'd walk a mile for a Camel - old 1940's ad campaign)
We know of a camel named Joe; Nine doctors told poll-taker West I once had a puppy named Ranger, Good Sir, if you find these right, Our small kids and our pups had a sitter; This moron that comes in small boxes: The yelp of the bitch on the phone, I waggingly try to be pleasant, I once had a dog, we called Rex, My old dog's nose was flattened and marked; A puppy whose hair was so flowing, The pompous old Duchess Moncrieff I've taught my dogs well and they knows Isabelle Dinoire's a really sad case, There once was a dog in a manger My dog is a pain in the ass; An animal trainer, Miss Lee, There was a blind man known as Kirk, The canine clan isn't too fussy: A canine companion, by far, John's watched Rintintin at the flicks; Here's Constable Jonathan Groat The old dog is a sight in repose; There was a young girl of Calais There was an old codger named Fletcher, When two-liter drinks cost a dollar, And the feverish dog of Moldova Chasing cars was the joy of our fat dog; I'm the world's cutest pup. A proud little doggie named Horace, I told my dog Bonzo, "Come hither." A hound dog said to his bitch, To learn from your pet is just fine. My dog wanted some sort of treat, While the bones of the body are numerous, My puppy has learned how to sit, There once was a puppy named Grover, There is a brown dog who's called Spot, When Lassie came home I was happy, Your dog can not utter a word, Of my dog's end, please beware,
'Cause he fancied the ugly old hag.
In exchange I got for-
ty four camels or more,
But I fear they're becoming a drag.
--- Peter Wilkins
And shreiking and grunting and humping;
The noise and the smell
Of them's causing me hell
And my head is a-pounding and thumping.
--- Peter Wilkins
'Cause the courts say my neighbors have cause
To complain and the judge
From his verdict won't budge,
For my camels break neighborhood laws.
--- Peter Wilkins
Randy camels (they're breeding for sure)
For a wrinkled old bat
You've got tired of and that
Could be girlfriend or sister-in-law.
--- Peter Wilkins
She'll be worth all the camels you'll get
From me...Shit! There's another
(From Emma, a mother)
Now that one would make a good pet.
--- Peter Wilkins
Really nice friendly pets, you know. (Thump!)
For God's sake, I'll pay
You to take them away
And I'll...Humphery! Get out of here! (Hump!)
--- Peter Wilkins
Camels were invented by Committee;
Because they're all humpity,
They go bumpity, bumpity
And their smell is decidedly shitty.
--- Aplich
Who went to a Middle East city.
He rode on a camel,
A most lumpy mammal
Designed by Congressional Committee.
--- Popsicle TP9807
With beauty and grace without trammel,
By computer, of course,
The genetics said "horse",
But the disk crashed and out came a camel.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest
'Cause her back was becoming lumpy.
Chloe's diagnosis
Was osteoporosis;
She was getting a dowager's humpy.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305a
And wary of that big humped beast,
'Tis good to be chary
Of a stray dromedary,
On which we barbarians feast.
--- Anon
His camel with straw he did pack.
As he placed the last straw,
It fell on his jaw,
And he broke every bone in his back.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2681
"With every species of mammal."
When asked for a reference,
He said, "What's your preference?
My mother-in-law or my camel?"
--- Graham Lester
Small problem though; Freddie the farma
Is threatening to shoot
Me for tooting my flute,
At his favorite cuddlesome llama.
--- Anon
Studied history in their pajamas.
They read of Pizarro
Who was shot with an arrow,
And died of multiple traumas.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305
Was sequestered for months, more's the pity.
But within a fortnight
They'd surmounted their plight:
The camel was made by committee.
--- Arthur Deex P8407
Kept a camel instead of a car.
He filled up at oases
And othere such places;
More miles to the gallon by far.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
It's the crudest, to just say the least.
When kneeling he moans,
And rising he groans.
Perhaps his joints ought to be greased.
--- TARqc19 P0312
Who was known for his gigantic hump;
But I just heard a rumor;
He's developed a tumor,
After surgury, he'll just have a bump!
--- Nuffin
Thought that he had the mumps.
A doctor named Murray
Said, "Camel, don't worry,
They're not mumps, they're lumps caused by thumps.
--- Spike Milligan
In the market at old Timbuktu.
As he had some for years,
When the salesman appears,
He asks you first, "One lump or two?"
--- A N Wilkins P8407
"Take this straw and this drink -- it's for you."
Said the camel, "Hack,
This straw broke my back,
So I think I will break it in two."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2409
Came out like a desert ship sinking,
When loaded and packed
To be watered and whacked,
As it drowned in the bucket when drinking.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309
Is built to withstand sand and sun.
I don't know about you,
But re humps, I like two.
To fall off is really no fun.
--- Sam Chen
Fell in love with a fifty-pound tuna.
At a neighborhood gym
He was soon taught to swim,
And in no time at all he was scruna.
--- Anon
With a notably contrary style;
Illustrations abound,
But the best, I have found,
Is the camel he walks for a mile.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8407
On his back, two large humps do grow.
Joe drinks until
Those big humps fill;
When Joe's gotta go, he REALLY's gotta go.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest
That Camels for them were the best.
The tenth doctor benign,
"Though camels are fine,
Yet I still feel that women are best."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who once ate the Christmas Manger.
And one angel's wings
And two of the kings,
Before he knew Mom was a danger.
--- Diane Christian
This young pup would cause much delight.
Not too distant a day,
It is possible, say --
With practice his bark will have bite.
--- Gunjan Saraf
On occasion the smallest pup bit her.
Since she wasn't a bone,
She would never condone
The brash stunt by the runt of the litter.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
The way that he gets off his rocks is
No reason to die;
But you'd hear more outcry
If he did it in young British foxes.
--- Q
Complaining she's home all alone;
It wasn't too hard
To find her backyard,
To sniff and to bury my bone.
--- SFA
This is file lxk
To human and cat, fish and pheasant.
So when Al told me twice,
I took his advice,
And I left Mr Bush a big "present."
--- Kevin Wickart
The randy old sod liked his sex.
'Til one day we'd enough
Of bitches up the duff,
That we had him sorted 'below decks'.
--- Cerberus
He made strange little sounds when he barked.
It sounded like chokin';
His teeth were all broken;
He only chased cars that were parked!
--- Observer
There really was no way of knowing
Which end was his head,
Once stopped me and said,
"Please, sir, am I coming or going?"
--- Oliver Herford
Perturbed with her pious belief,
Went out for a walk
With her dog, round the block,
And she covered his cock with a leaf.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2195
Not to piddle on pavements or toes.
They fart in their sleep,
But don't frighten the sheep,
And deserve their rosettes and their bows.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
'Cause when she went home to her place,
And opened the door,
Her dog bit her once more,
'Cause it did not recognise her new face.
--- Anon
Who showed all his teeth at a stranger.
But living on hay,
He soon passed away,
Removing himself and the danger.
--- Limber P8307
He likes to do shits in the grass.
He humps peoples legs
And constantly begs.
I'm hoping this phase will soon pass!
--- Jayne
Taught her doggie to speak fluently.
Her boyfriend, who missed her,
Paid a visit and kissed her,
And her doggie said, "What about me?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2669
Whose company had a nice perk.
A free bungee jump day,
Which he loved, I must say.
But his dog went completely berserk!
--- Friar TP9901
The females can act downright hussy.
Some will stay chaste,
And the rest will be chased.
In the end, doggies get the best pussy.
--- Actaeon
Makes believe that the master you are.
And in manner smart
Will capture your heart.
Then train you, while you think you're the czar.
--- Chris Papa
Now he's teaching his old dog new tricks.
It's been a hard slog,
But Miller's old dog
Can now borrow the car to fetch sticks.
--- David Miller
With his sniffer dog, glossy of coat.
"Go sniff out the trash,"
He said, "dealing in hash."
At which Rover jumped up at his thoat.
--- Anon
Sniffs his crap of the day with his nose.
Has no sense, he is dense,
Stays locked 'hind the fence,
And at night he humps the garden hose.
--- Anon
Who had seven dogs to display.
All their names were unique --
After days of the week,
And she said every dog had his day.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8307
Whose dog was a pretty good fetcher.
It ran out the door
And fetched him a whore,
And said, "Here you are, you old lecher."
--- Alsop P8304
I bought one and thought I would holler;
When I looked inside
I laughed till I cried,
For there was a jeweled dog collar!
--- Anon
Who slavered all over the sofa;
His condition was such
That he drooled long and much,
When he savoured fresh Guava Pavlova.
--- Anon
All the neighbors said, "Watch out for that dog!"
Try to keep him confined;
He may be struck behind,
And your fat dog will wind up a flat dog."
--- Ida R Percoco P0501
My worldview is happy and up.
My tail wags like crazy,
I sleep when I'm lazy.
And if offered a bone, I say "Yup!"
--- Anon
Came to town in a bright yellow Taurus.
To the townsfolk he stated
"All cats here are hated,
Including that rich windbag Morris."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But Bonzo the bugger, went thither.
The sound of my zither
Made Bonzo dog dither,
Twixt hither and thither and whither.
--- Peter Wilkins
"I have to eat and I'm not very rich.
I'm hungry and gaunt."
"Well, what do you want?"
"A nice big hot-people sandwich."
--- Ed Wolfert P8307
But at one thing we do draw the line.
When people are meeting,
We shun the dog greeting:
"Your butt smell good. How is mine?"
--- Jim Loy
But I was just fresh out of meat.
With leftover chops
His whimpering stops;
I told the mutt, "Bone appetit"
--- Anon
The most interesting one is the humerus;
For the laughing hyena
Is decidedly meaner
When his humerus tends to be rheumerous.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
And the cat he has learned to outwit.
He can shake and can heel.
But I wonder when he'll
Finally figure out where he's to shit.
--- Jeanie
Who lived in a city called Dover.
His master was odd,
And fed him green cod,
Then flattened him with his LandRover.
--- Anon
Who tied his tail up in a knot,
To remember his bone
Which he'd left back at home
When he sometimes when out for a trot.
--- Graham Lester
And so was my mammy and pappy.
But she took off again
To that stud down the lane
Who barked, "Come one, Lass, make it snappy!"
--- Ystap T9801
Despite all the language he's heard.
As some sort of token,
Although he's house broken,
He'll leave you a small smelly ... bird.
--- Bob Birch P9806
As he leaves 'messages' everywhere.
His scent he must douse,
Outside, in the house.
So where you step, you must take care.
--- Funny Bone
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