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Dr Laura has offered some ways There once was a girl named Darva, Said saddened old Mr McGhee, A pitiful couple, the Turners; There was a young housewife of Ayr, I find geneology crap, Vowed a gallant of old Philadelphia You know why to marry is neat? I heard from a man in Kilkenny, There was a young man from Bolivia, There once was a man made of plastic, A husband who with his wife squabbles, The pain that he'll get in his gut, A spritely young fellow named Sprat, Now Dimitra's known as Dim I feel much remorse for your spouse; A stoical fellow named Clyde There was an old man from Cape Verde Rich married a real "hum-dinger". "Sixteen wives is the limit," said Perse, A writer of fiction named Dickens There once was a man from Taipei If you ask why some husbands regret Said a suitor, "It's now clear to me I met, on my way to St. Ives, If you marry one wife, that's monotony; The elm tree inspector, dressed neat, A truly important event -- A young fellow who was celibate An impotent Scot named MacDougall, In Africa, women are wed The worse of the marriage fixtures You marry, and while things are new, A lady with manners superior An edgy young housewife in Boise A truculent wife known as Shirley, "For a husband who's sexually wired, Just before nudist wedding began, The truth of your story allowed, It started with billing and cooing, There was a young lady named Peg There once was an indigent bursar, Your idea for a gift is quite splendid, I'm sure that it's needless to mention They asked a lion tamer from Fife There was a young lady of Condover, A merchant who lived in Iraq, The widow of Ballinalickey, Late was Harry one night to his house. A nasty young fellow named Jupiter A frustrated bride of Seattle A bridegroom at Niagara Falls, A newlywed fellow named Schickel A lady there was in Antigua Being sixty years old, the bridegroom A fat, sloppy, housewife named Fran, Mary Ann was the youngest in the clan; A girl who loved pets was Miss Bunky; Frisky in bed as a colt A naive young lady named Bess A nearsighted fellow named Walter, There was a young lady from Ryde, There's a vaporish maiden in New Kew There's a vaporish maid in Butte Key There once was a Frenchman named Fred Does your wife always nag and complain There was a young lady of Harriage,
For young couples to resolve their frays.
We don't go to bed mad,
But we haven't had
Any sleep for the last seven days.
--- Jumping Jack
Who thought a fortune she could carva,
By marriage on TV,
To a guy from Cali;
Who was really a fine piece of larva.
--- Anon
"My wife is just awful to me!
Just getting my oats
Is costing mink coats;
When unmarried, I got it for free."
--- Frank
They really are very slow learners.
Ten years they've been married;
Each other's needs parried;
Their sex life still cooks on back burners.
--- Armand Singer
Whose husband's homecomings were rare.
Had he danced on her chest
She'd have felt quite at rest,
For at least she'd have known he was there.
--- Linda Marsh Coll
'Cause no one is sure of their Pap.
The error potential
Is near exponential;
A huge credibility gap.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To his bride, "I will battle through helphia!"
But alas, with the dawn
And the honeymoon gone,
They prefer easy living on welphia.
--- Keith MacMillan A103A
My grandmother said (I'll repeat),
"Two can, my grandson,
Live as cheaply as one,
If one of you just doesn't eat."
--- Bob Birch
That bigamy's one wife too many.
Monogamy too
Is the same, that is true,
It's better, lad, not to have any.
--- Anon
Who married a girl named Olivia.
The whole world praised the name
Of this man of great fame,
But Olivia could only think trivia.
--- Albin Chaplin
Whose wife was both tranquil and spastic.
"If this manic-depressive
Wasn't sexually repressive,
I could turn myself into elastic."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Over purchase of flea market baubles,
May find that it wrecks
Her desire for sex
That evening, and brings collywobbles!
--- Observer
Can leave his sex-life in a rut;
To take such a chance
And stifle romance,
He'd have to be some kind of nut.
--- Observer
Wed a gal who was homely and fat.
On their consumate night,
He got such a fright,
No one's seen Sprat since that.
--- Anon
With a waistline that's totally trim.
But her man has decreed
He'll sow no more seed,
She's lamenting her unemployed quim.
--- Anon
Feel bad that he married a louse,
But not like he feels,
MISSING LINK IN HIGH HEELS,
Runaway now and hide like a mouse!
--- Anon
Revealed why he took on a bride,
For he needed a spouse
To take care of the house,
As he got all his screwing outside.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1997
Who had trouble saying the word
Depicting the strife
He had with his wife,
Since she's much better seen than heard.
--- Harry Rubin P9211
She ran off with country singer.
She left him quite poor;
He is rich no more;
She got the ring, he got the finger.
--- Ron Sartain
The vicar, "Four better, four worse,
Four poorer, four richer;
But a serial hitcher
Doing such things is perverse."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said, "Here folks is where the plot thickens;
My hero hates fat
So very much that
He marries the slimmest of pickin's."
--- Armand E Singer 818
Whose wife was always away.
Those times she was home,
He gave her the bone,
And she'd smile as she went away.
--- Anon
Having married the girls whom they met,
Think of this, if you will,
Every day some wives still
Have husbands they'd rather forget.
--- Warrick Elrod
That your spouse in no way can I be.
You've had husbands galore,
And though you've divorced four,
It still leaves you married to three.
--- Warrick Elrod P0212
A man with a number of wives.
Each wife had a lot
Of kids -- and know what?
Wherever he goes, that man jives.
--- Anon
But with several, all nagging, polyphony.
So take my advice
And always think twice,
Before making promise on your knee.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Advised a young fellow named Pete,
No dead wood should he store,
So Pete opened the door
And he threw his wife out in the street.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2725
Find a mate who will keep you content.
There's not time to waste
If you marry in haste;
You'll have plenty of time to repent.
--- Al Chaplin P9711
Decided he needed a mate.
What he got was a shrew,
And what she put him through
Made him long for his bachelor state.
--- Warrick Elrod
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
He was gathering semen
To engender a he-man,
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
--- L0318
To men who are strangers, it's said.
It's the same over here,
And I am sincere.
You single folks, please use your head.
--- Al Willis P9702
Are its old-time monogamous strictures.
When my wife won't be goosed,
I am sadly reduced
To looking a good dirty pictures.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
You swear that you'll always be true.
But then things go wrong,
And you sing this song:
Hooray for the wed, blight, and rue.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file lrl
Was divorcing her husband, inferior,
On the grounds than when once
She had screamed at him, "Dunce!"
He'd said, "Shut up, you horse's posterior!"
--- Barbara Tabler P9110
Had a husband whose snoring was noisy.
She could not face such woe,
So she quite Idaho;
Now she's back with her Mom in New Joisy.
--- Graham Lester
Whose attitude was all harsh and surly,
Said, "My best excuse
For spousal abuse
Is...mornings always come too early!
--- Observer
I can't seem to get too inspired.
My attitude's sour
'Cause he needs a shower,
My head hurts and frankly, I'm tired!"
--- Observer
Future bride said, "There is change of plan!"
FORTUITOUS glance
Inspired new romance.
It was easy to spot the best man.
--- Observer
The bride who was duly avowed,
Chose the man, who,
When he came into view
Was clearly the one best endowed.
--- Chris Papa
And that led me on to a wooing.
But when we were wed,
The cooing stopped dead,
And the billing became my undoing.
--- Laurence Perrine P8809
With one eye and one wooden leg.
No man would marry her,
Save an old farrier,
Whose head was as bald as an egg.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Whose wife was a swearer and curser.
So when she would start,
To fume and to fart,
He would the the fart bitch...and vice versa!
--- Anon
Though ear-plugs are not recommended.
The groom'd be content,
But the bride might resent
Such gift which could leave her offended.
--- Observer
That wife like to have full attention
Of mate when she's talking,
Or he'll soon be walking
The floor due to sexual suspension!
--- Observer
What he thought on those days of his life
When with whip and with frown
He faced a beast down.
"I pretended each one was my wife."
--- A N Wilkins P8711
Whose husband had ceased to be fond of her.
He could not forget, (Her pussy was juicy,)
He had wooed a brunette, (Her ass soft and goosey,)
But peroxide had now made a blonde of her.
--- Anon
Every night fell asleep on his back.
This causes him to snore,
So his wife, feeling sore,
Wakes him up with a furious whack!
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was married eight times and was tricky.
When she led without falter
Young Mike to the altar,
They sang "Him" Number Nine for poor Mickey.
--- Anon
Yet, being as quiet as a mouse,
Laid his caution aside,
Thereby catching it wide...
A frying pan swung by his spouse.
--- Grizz
Got mad at his wife, threw hot poop at her.
But filled with remorse
And fearing divorce,
Relented and tossed a wood scoop at her.
--- Armand Singer
Grew bored with his husbandly prattle
And baring her person,
Was inwardly cursin',
"If this doesn't work, maybe that'll."
--- Keith MacMillan A120C
His fate was so sad, it appalls;
His bride wouldn't fuck him,
Or hand-job or suck him--
He went nuts and bit off both his balls.
--- L1202
Attempted his darling to tickle.
He could not touch her teats
While she pickled her beets,
Which left Schickel to beat on his pickle.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1898
Who said to her spouse, "What a pigua."
He answered, "My queen,
Is it manners you mean,
Or do you refer to my figua?"
--- Anon
Found his 20-year-old bride deep in gloom,
And said, "Dear, my money
Takes the place of sex, Honey,
Which is okay with you, I presume."
--- Grand Prix Lim 237
Had no luck in inspsiring her man.
She should learn the trick
Of a little more spic,
And maybe a little less span!
--- Pascha Brown
She's always left to "carry the can".
When the girls were all wed,
Dad was left "in the red."
She's no choice but to wed a rich man.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
She married a vapid young flunky.
With her dogs he would fiddle,
And her sheep he would diddle,
But he never would play with her monkey.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1124
Was youthful ace golfer Tom Bolt.
But after his lay up,
He'd come in a small cup,
Driving his wife to revolt.
--- Anon
Said, "My life has not been a success.
I married a dumb bloke
Whose a drunk and is broke.
All I got's a new name and a dress."
--- Tom Patton P0506
Led a glamorized lass to the altar;
A beauty he thought her,
Till some soap and water,
Made her look like the Rock of Gibraltar.
--- Anon
Who a sailor took on for a bride.
It wasn't the sailor,
Who managed to nail her,
But the semen inside her insides.
--- Anon
Who longed for the love of a Hutu.
But she had to resort
To a clerk of the court,
By comparison though, who's well-to-do.
--- Arthur Deex P0202
Who longed for the love of a Tutsi.
But she had to make do
With an anorexic Hindu,
And became his, what we call, tootsie-wootsie.
--- Arthur Deex P0202
Whose fiance was suddenly dead.
But the law clearly stated
They still could be mated;
With their wedding, he still went ahead.
--- Cap'n Bean
When she's out of her kitchen domain.
The best thing to do
Is not hide in the loo,
But shorten the length of her chain!
--- H Myers TP9802
Who behaved very bad at her marriage.
She proceeded on skates,
To the parish church gates,
While her friends followed on in a carriage.
--- Anon
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