When Rosie was dating young Fritz,
Her father was pleased, he admits.
He said, "Fritz, you are grand,
Would you care for her hand?"
Fritz said, "No, just her cunt and her tits."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0454A

Said the lovely young lady named Sue,
"John, before I tell you that I do;
I have to confess
That I've often said yes,
But as missus this is my debut."
--- Mark Levy P9711

"I love ya, my lovely Virginia,
I'm dyin' to wed ya, to win ya.
But if you say, "No!"
At least grant this schmo
The pleasure of puttin' it in ya!"
--- Larry Wilde

When the love-smitten teen first gave voice
To his preference for marrying Joyce,
Who was well over forty,
His permissive dad, Morty,
That instant became antichoice.
--- Sheila B

A cemetary owner, Sinclair,
Proposed marriaage to a lady fair.
He made a vow,
Starting right now,
He would give her perpetual care.
--- Tom Patton P9711

When Maggie and Harry made plans,
Mom went shopping for pots and for pans.
Maggie said, "Don't forget
We are not married yet.
We have not even posted the banns."
--- Anon

There is this girl we all know,
More beautiful than fresh-fallen snow.
She's loving and kind,
Much better than fine;
She's one in a trillion or so.
--- David Moore

Now there is this lad named Dave
Who is quite a witty young knave.
He met this girl;
His head's in a whirl;
And now it's her love he does crave.
--- David Moore

What I am trying to say, very clearly,
Elizabeth, I love you dearly.
Will you be mine
For all of the time?
I mean all of this quite sincerely.
--- David Moore

I asked her to wed. She said "No!"
I asked her again. She said "So!
You won't take my answer!
Then put on your pants, sir!
Get off my divan, sir, and go!"
--- Lance Payne P8405

An old chap who lived at Bridgewater
Had a bit of a wag for a daughter.
And one day she said,
"I think I'll get wed."
"Yes," grunted the old bloke, "You oughter."
--- John Blyth

When she drinks, she says, "Cheers, bottoms up."
She's not old, but she isn't a pup.
As I fondled her knee,
I said, "Please marry me."
All she could say then, was "Yup."
--- Al Willis P9711

I've no hubby -- therefore no strife;
I am quite content with my life.
Except this house mess
Which causes distress;
So, you know, I would like a wife!
--- Anon

Someone who will sew, clean and cook;
Will bring me my slippers and book.
Who'll feed me good food;
Won't mind when I'm crude;
Makes my house a nice cozy nook.
--- Anon

She searched for a gentleman who'd
Delight in her warm, sexy mood.
Her breasts were exposed,
And then he proposed,
And now she is sure to get screwed.
--- Al Willis P9711

An old man by the name of O'Doul
Was sure he was nobodys fool.
He proposed to a lass
With a tight little ass,
Fell over and started to drool.
--- Tom Patton P9711

In the seventies Allen met Joyce;
He said, "You are really quite noice.
Come let us wed,
Then I'll take you to bed,
For lunch, Honey, you are my choice.
--- Tiddy Ogg

An ugly old man lived in Perth
And said that he would give the Earth,
For a girl who replied
She would be his sweet bride,
Instead of dissolving in mirth.
--- Anon

An impetuous laddie of Bicester
Embraced a strange female and kissed her.
"Oh, Fanny," he cried,
"Will you please be my bride?"
"I'm not Fan, but I'm her twin sister."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A girl whose passions were surgin'
Proposed to young Virgil, a virgin.
His reluctant way
Caused her to pray
That Virgil's on the verge of mergin'.
--- Tom Patton P9711

"Let's marry," suggested Ms. Hawn,
"My options are almost gone;
A dildo is cold,
Cucumbers grow mold,
And a vibrator can't mow the lawn."
--- Ed Potts P8606

A young lass from near to Ardkerair
Whose body had plenty of meat there.
She said: "Marry me fast,
And you'll find that my ass
Is the spot for to warm your cold feet there."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

I think you're a quite lovely lady,
And I think that I love you, dear Sadie.
If you'll marry me now,
And help pull the plow,
We can sell our old ox; what say, matey?
--- Al Willis

MacIver, tall, handsome, well-built,
So dashing when dressed to the hilt,
Asked Meg, "Will ye wed me?"
She replied, "When ye bed me,
Will ye show me what's underrr yerrr kilt?"
--- Evelyn Bogen P9711

I proposed and I tried to unclad her;
She smiled and she felt a lot gladder.
Well, to cut to the chase,
The wedding took place,
And now I am wiser but sadder.
--- Al Willis P9711

A young lady and old Uncle Pellum
Had their marriage recorded on vellum.
But as time did progress
They were forced to assess
Their single days as antebellum.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0107

A six foot seven woman named Ann
Proposed to a midget named Dan.
In bed first they kissed,
Then insertion was missed.
The trouble's the length of the span.

(should have used a bucket - McW)
--- Tom Patton P9711

I married a man, looked like Newt;
Though he turned out a horrible brute.
He might still be here
With me calling him dear,
If only he'd been born a mute.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The bride to the groom did express
Her sad tale of woe and distress,
"I've had men in my bed."
But the groom simply said,
"I have also had men, I confess."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0917

A sensitive fellow named Basil
Had a wife who was razzle and dazzle;
He wore her to bits
With his tantrums and fits,
But he was worn down to a frazzle.
--- Limber Limericks

While I travel, my wife in Biloxi
Enjoys acting just like a cheap doxy;
With young soldiers and tars,
She picks up in bars,
She avers that she loves me by proxy.
--- Ward Hardman

"Caesar's wife must be free of suspicion,"
So said Caesar, sans proof or admission.
Then in a process quite strange,
He arranged an exchange --
The beginnings of nuptiular fission.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

"The wedding was sad," said Miss Mears,
"The saddest one I've seen in years.
Like waves on the ocean,
'Twas filled with emotion...
Why even the cake was in tiers!"
--- Observer

This is file lsl

The bridegroom was not very bright,
But on dress color here, he was right.
He insisted she go
In a shade just like snow,
For all kitchen gadgets are white.
--- Tiddy Ogg

She said, "Darling, sweetie, come here.
I've found something awful, I fear.
It looks like a broom
To sweep up a room,
Once I've knocked you about on your ear."
--- Susan Arden

"I will not be your kitchen slave,
You small minded, terrible knave,
For I've found another,
Your hot younger brother,
With whom I can now misbehave!"
--- Susan Arden

The bridesmaids all matched and smelled right,
Dressed in pink and rose gowns with a light
Scent of rose petal
Which tested the metal
Of the Groomsmen who "rose" at the sight.
--- Tobias Ware

The groom's Mum wore a regal, blue gown,
But his Dad wore a suit and a frown,
'Cause she wore, made from lace,
A thick veil o'er her face,
For her make-up was on upside down.
--- Tobias Ware

Oh boys I wished I were rich.
Last week I went on the fritz
And it ended in shagging;
Now my wife keeps on nagging;
There is no way I can ditch the bitch.
--- Anon

A young foundry worker named Bragg
Was blessed with a wife that did nag.
And yet he did not mind
Till one day he did find
She could not tell the cope from the drag.

--- Albin Chaplin

A clear thinking fellow was Chape;
He married a girl like an ape.
He said in the main
He would never complain
As long as her cunt stayed in shape.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0080

"Doctor, a short life I fear!"
Well don't fret; give up smoking and beer.
And stop sex with your wife."
"Will that lengthen my life?"
"It will make a day seem like a year."
--- Mike Dale

The sex life her husband dreamed of,
She considered herself far above.
He craved osculation
And then copulation! --
She wanted to kiss and make love.
--- Laurence Perrine P8705

My sister, the stupid fat cow,
Ran away from our farm just now
And eloped, of course,
With our only horse,
So now I have to pull the plough.
--- David Miller

So ploughing the field is near done,
But the fat slut is still on the run;
If she's tired and distressed,
When I catch her, she'll rest...
On an ant hill, in the hot sun.
--- David Miller

A weeding's announced: give three cheers?
Perhaps, but I do have my fears.
The vows they will take,
But just like the cake,
I fear it may all end in tiers.
--- Tiddy Ogg

On a holiday trip to Lake Placid,
The girl fell in love with a Hassid. (pious Jewish sect)
On the night of their wedding,
Bitter tears she was shedding,
'Cause the hassid from placid was flaccid.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206

I was playing with my brother Fred,
When Momma came to me and said:
"I can't stand this fly!
They've all got to die!
Get a hammer, there's one on Dad's head."
--- Tiddy Ogg

In their split-level, under a tree,
They're throwing the best crockery.
If your calling this
Matrimonial bliss,
Well, by God, you could have fooled me.
--- VOL 7

She's eighty, but I have no shame;
I shall marry this haggard old dame.
Consummation? Okay;
Maybe once on the day
That her billion dollars I'll claim.
--- Peter Wilkins

Those beauties?...I could wed a bevy,
But I'll tie the knot with that heavy
Old girl from San'tone. (San Antonio, Texas, USA)
Then I'll rightly own
The title to her vintage Chevy.

('57 two-door, black with yellow fins, black leather inside)
--- Travis Brasell

It's as easy to love a rich man
As to love a poor one; and you can
Have so much more fun
With the wealthier one.
Just don't sign the pre-nuptual plan!
--- Kaylin

To his bride, the angry groom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is a big as a dish!"
She replied, "Oh you fool,
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
--- L0216

Wife-beating: it's low-rent and sleezy.
Take Jack Smith and his young wife, Louise. He
Will frequently beat her
With a box of Velveeta,
An act both illegal and cheesy.
--- Michael Weinstein

My wife has a problem or three;
She would have, being married to me.
It's the kids that vex her,
And often perplex her,
But I get the blame paternally.
--- Tony Burrell

My boy, don't get married too soon.
To do it's the act of a loon.
It's all right to play
In the great month of May,
But a wedding takes place in Jejune.

(jejune - hungry or without significance)
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young lady of Zion,
Looked around for a shoulder to cry on.
So she married a spouse
From a very old house
And started to cry on the scion.
--- Anon

He said "Wait, darling." Waiting for what?
That he's leaving the housecleaning twat?
Sue knows pretty damn well
That it's first freezing hell,
Ere he leaves an arrangement like that.
--- Anon

He said "Patience, my love, I can't leave
Her, I owe her so much," but deceive-
Ing that stupid old tart
Doesn't worry his heart,
And Sue finds things more hard to believe.
--- Anon

He said "Love, don't want her to get hurt,"
When they couldn't meet, fourth time or third.
So the pain Sue does feel,
Must be something unreal,
Nonexistent and pretty absurd.
--- Anon

He said - Oh, I forgot what he said
But Sue knows that she's truly been had.
Should she send him back now
To be milked as a cow,
Live-in's pension fund? Sue's feeling sad.
--- Anon

Sue is obviously young and naive;
That she really went out to believe
That her love, fresh and true,
Would be worth something. You
Know of course: There are things you don't leave.
--- Anon

A talkative wife had old Tucker;
It was too late in life just to shuck her.
So he let the bitch speak
Till the end of the week,
Then he'd tape up her lips and he'd fuck her.
--- Albin Chaplin

Forget all that romantic prose;
In marriage the money just goes.
So don't ever forget,
That you'll end up in debt,
And your wife will end up with new clothes.
--- Bob Birch

John and Joan, after they were wed,
Hastened to their own marriage bed.
There they found out too late,
That they could not consummate.
So they got a quick divorce instead.
--- William K Alsop Jr

When the husband came in from the garage,
He vented his spleen with a barrage:
"Since you smash into sticks
All my conjuring tricks,
The magic's gone out of our marriage.
--- Tiddy Ogg