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Martina needs orgasms badly There was a young man from Angora, I used to adore Isadora; I know an old lady 'bout fifty; There once was a woman of Churston (apologies to the several Charleses - McW)
A housewife is a spouse I wished for a man of the cloth or Responsible wife owners should A mechanic who married a shrew, Thirteen, and I happened to mention She played with it, stroked it and kissed it; There once was a codger named Lane A virgin, whose tightness deplorable, I forgot my wife's birthday, you see; I'd rather be left on the shelf, A young wife in the outskirts of Wrasse, There once was a fellow of Welch You all know of Sarah from Dummer; So he swallowed his balls and his pride, A certain young fellow named Scott, A practical fellow named Bonner You're a chauvinist pig," my wife doled, My day off is seldom for me; Her husband threatened to go away; An old martinet of a colonel, Whilst out driving with my brother Jack, There was an old person of Newry, Domestic quarrels are on the increase; Your wife cut you off? Now looky, You must learn to give and to take, Said the Sultan, "The one major flaw A do-nothing fellow named Fife A timorous bachelor named Barry Because of his kite's jerky flight Hugh Delamere, Third Baron Cholmondeley, The crossed legs of my wife cause vexation, The new wife of widower Raines A young bride was once heard to say, A fearful fiance named Clyde The caveman with muscles and club 'Twas way back in Spring '44 So thinking of England she lay "Now tuck that there thing back inside At the end of the Second World War, "But Pat, it's been more than three years", Now Bert took a job in a bank ...When it came to that conjugal bliss. The '60's; free love and all that. "But dearest, what harm can it do?" "To buck up our sex life in bed, "BERT!! That's revolting!!" cried Pat, "Just once was enough of your lust", "Bert!" she cried, "Don't be so crude; "That's NO way to speak to your wife!" But it's hard ..." "So I see." "Come to bed; The '80's; and Bert had retired. "Oh, not that old chestnut again", "OK, you old bat, that's enough!" "All RIGHT!!" said old Bert, as he threw Last night he determined once more He fondled her dried-up old thighs So lying with Pat at his side, The date; June the seventh. The year; From her husband, a lady named Shore There is a young fellow called Topper, There once was a cheating old louse
But Joseph her husband is sadly
Deficient in size
And technique; no surprise
That she diddles her middle bits madly.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who married--for richer or poorer.
He had not been long wed,
When he fell out of bed,
And said, "Damn, I have married a snorer!"
--- Anon
To marry me I would implore her.
But when we were wed,
And all night shared a bed,
I found out too late -- she's a snorer!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
All her adult life she had been thrifty.
But it must be said
That the man that she wed
Was worthless; a rotter and shifty!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who thought her third husband the worst 'un;
For he justly was reckoned
Far worse than the second,
And her second was worse than the first 'un.
--- Explosion of Lims
Who shudders at a mouse,
But tells her mate,
Who's six feet eight,
To clear out of the house.
--- Limber Limericks
An earl, for my girl, but oh bother!
She's run off with an Injun,
Whose good name is St John;
She'll wed him come Hell or Hiawatha.
--- Jester Jon
Trade them in when they are no good.
And make sure they sign
On the bottom-most line,
That financials are all understood.
--- Anon
Got her tamed in a minute or two.
He just took out his kit,
And fiddled a bit.
All it took was a turn of the screw.
--- John Ciardi
To Sally about my extension.
She squealed in delight
And for years every night,
She would give it her fullest attention.
--- Anon
No way did I want to resist it.
But after she said
To me, "Now that I'm wed,
Brother, do it yourself!" How I missed it!
--- Anon
Whose wife said, "You give me a pain."
When he said to her, "Where?"
She replied, "Derriere,
And I'm taking it with me to Maine."
--- Alsops Foibles
Made regular sex seem too horrible,
At last had to marry
A dirty old fairy,
Who thought her behind was adorable.
--- Anon
Needed a month to recovery.
Me pay a whore
To get beat up and sore?
Hell, I just got that treatment for free!
--- Anon
Than find that I'm sharing me welf,
With something in drawers,
Who wed me because
She likes how I handle meself.
--- SFA
Preferred fucking to going to mass.
Said her husband, "Take Jock
Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."
--- L0087
Who in serious moments would belch,
Till his wife set him straight
With a clout on the pate,
And a "Button you upper -- or elch!"
--- Keith MacMillan A123A
She married a prince one fine summer.
But she wanted more
Than he gave, so the whore
Now screws round the world with all-comers.
--- Q
And he opened his heart really wide.
Then was troubled and stressed,
And was sad and depressed,
'Till the day that he finally died.
--- Cap'n Bean P0507
Once jumped his young bride on their cot.
He intended no shirking,
But from sheer overworking,
A dry run was all that she got.
--- Isaac Asimov
Got married for love, wealth, and honor;
Thus it goes just to show
Why he spends his wife's dough,
And gets all his jollies upon her.
--- Armand Singer
In a temper that wasn't controlled.
I replied, "You are right.
(I was being contrite)
But not when I do as I'm told!"
--- H Myers TP9802
No rest or ballgame to see.
No, instead her plan
Is to drag her man
Out on a wild spending spree.
--- Bruce
She cried and begged him to stay.
They reached a compromise,
When she spread open her thighs,
He fucked her, left later that day.
--- Laurence Craft
Had a temper positively infernal,
And the reason for this
Was it hurt him to piss,
And his wife's services were diurnal.
--- Anon
Heard siren; had panic attack.
Wife left him for cop,
So he didn't stop.
He thought they were bringing her back.
--- David Miller
Whose wife was a lusus naturae.
Though outwardly pleasant,
When others were present,
The sight of her drove him to fury.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
She wants more money, my wife Denise.
I'm the victim of nagging;
For four weeks no shagging;
I'm the victim of "mad cow disease".
--- Dirruk
There's more than one way to that cookie.
You've got the cash
In your pocket, a stash,
But Dirruk, dear, she's got the nookie.
--- Jeanie
If that fire in your loins you would slake.
Take your wife to the mall,
Let her shop, have a ball,
Then when home, you can slip her the snake.
--- Jeanie
In this system may make me withdraw
And divorce every wife
For some peace in my life --
Without all those mothers-in-law."
--- A N Wilkins P8407
Sure leads a most indolent life.
He may not be crazy,
But jeez, is he lazy;
He married a young pregnant wife.
--- Armand Singer
Has stated he never will marry;
He says, "If I wed,
There's something I'd dread;
My wife could want kids and miscarry."
--- Armand E Singer 911
This is file lql
They told him, "You need more tail." "Right,"
Replied Mr. Blatt.
"I told my wife that,
But she told me to go fly a kite."
--- A N Wilkins P0211
Describing his wife, remarked glumly,
"She's too old to seem new,
She's no fun to screw,
And as for her snatch, it's not comely.
--- Armand E Singer 860
So my member demands masturbation.
Man, it's hard to believe,
That her labial cleave,
Is the cause of such much frustration!
--- Anon
Caused nothing but misery and pains.
She was not worth a durn --
He got more from the urn
In which rested his late wife's remains.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2919
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
Look just like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day."
--- L0428
Had a bitch for his wedding day bride;
He wanted to ditch,
And be done with this bitch,
But there simply was nowhere to hide.
--- Cap'n Bean P0507
Dragged them off by the hair, rub-a-dub!
But now men are very
Much nicer; they marry
And then they go off to their club.
--- Laurence Perrine P8405
That young Bert said to Pat, "I adore
You; and now that we're wed
Can I take you to bed?"
"Well, OK", she said, "Once and no more."
--- Anon
On her back and let Bert have his way
With her. "Did you feel that?"
Said young Bert. Said young Pat,
"What a messy revolting affray."
--- Anon
Of your trousers", she said, as she dried
Herself off with a sponge,
"This disgusting wet gunge
Has got everything sticky", she cried.
--- Anon
Bert came home with a smile, but before
He could even say, "Hi."
She said, "Don't even try!
Get your boots off; I'm cleaning the floor."
--- Anon
He said, eyes filling up with his tears
Of frustration. But Pat
Said, "You can't, and that's that;
I won't stand for your ghastly ideas."
--- Anon
And for years his frustrations he sank
Into working all day,
To keep Pat in the way
She expected; but still drew a blank...
--- Anon
Then in spring '54 he said, "This
Is ridiculous, love."
But she gave him a shove;
"Keep your hands off", she said with a hiss.
--- Anon
Once again poor old Bert turned to Pat
And said, "Come on old thing;
Let's get groovy and swing."
"Is that all you can think of?" she spat.
--- Anon
Pleaded Bert, but she glared and said, "You
Are perverted. You know
What I said long ago;
I've had more than enough of your goo."
--- Anon
Love, I've bought you these scanties", he said,
And some tiny red... " "That
Is disgusting", said Pat,
"Is that all that goes on in your head?"
--- Anon
As she lifted the poor little cat
From his lap; and he sighed,
"When I made you my bride,
I hoped sex was a part of all that."
--- Anon
She said, looking at Bert in disgust.
"Oh you poor little cat;
Has he hurt you?" crooned Pat,
As she held the poor thing to her bust.
--- Anon
What the hell are you doing there nude?"
Replied Bert from his chair,
With his knob in the air,
"What the fuck does it look like, you prude!"
--- Anon
She said, angrily wielding a knife.
"I'm so sorry", he cried,
"Pat, I really have tried
To stay celibate most of my life ...
--- Anon
Can't you once, just this once, give me head?"
Pleaded Bert. "How disgusting,
That's worse than you thrusting
That thing up my privates", she said.
--- Anon
He said, "Pat? You've got all you aspired
To, and now I have time
And I'm still in my prime,
Will you let me have sex?" he enquired.
--- Anon
Replied Pat with a grimace of pain.
"I've had more than enough
Of your sticky wet stuff
And your whinging and whining refrain."
--- Anon
Shouted Bert, "Now it's time I got rough!"
But he got a surprise
For Pat fluttered her eyes
And said, "Go on then; prove it's no bluff."
--- Anon
Her with force to the floor for a screw;
But he couldn't get a rise
And felt tears prick his eyes;
"I've forgotten", he cried, "What to do."
--- Anon
To have sex with dear Pat, and at four
In the morning he found
She was sleeping quite sound,
So he gently began to explore.
--- Anon
And thought, "What if I can't get a rise?
Should I try cunnilingus?"
He sniffed at his fingers
And thought, "Better not if I'm wise."
--- Anon
He wanked hard as he dared, as he tried
To get stiff. It was tough
But it worked sure enough;
Then he came prematurely and died.
--- Anon
'99, and bad tidings I fear.
Poor old Bert passed away
Early on in the day;
Would you please raise your glasses of beer.
--- Anon
Asked for money, each week more and more.
To get sex he must pay
So he said in dismay,
"You are naught but an overpriced whore."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2297
Whose dick is a fourteen inch whopper.
I'm sitting here grieving,
For my wife plans on leaving;
I have nothing that big that will stop her.
--- Bob Birch P0302
Who bethought his wife a meek mouse.
But his dick did wilt
From age and from guilt;
She kicked him right out of the house.
--- Anon
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