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Joe's restaurant's best on the street! His business is going downhill; Perhaps this seems narrow and hateful An old geezer in White River Junction There was an old man called Fred There once was a person of Benin, There was an Old Man of the coast, G'uggery G'uggery Nunc A religious young miner named Moses, There one was an African Mau-Mau Now monks, they all live in a monastery, There was a young Russian named Bowski, (I wonder who writes this shit - McW)
There was an illiterate Pole, There was an illiterate Hun, There was an illiterate Slovak, There was an illiterate Mick, There was an illiterate Kraut, He ranted 'bout privilege and status, Muse on the fate of the Aztek, There once was a letter called tau Ring-a-ding-diddily-doo, There was an old man from Fort Drum, A new dramatist of the absurd There once was a Vassar B.A. A young Ph.D. passing by, On Thursdays we give infants away; It's only my personal view, "Oh the darling, her nose and her eyes; Your granddaughter's really a beaut; A limerick writer from Dallas Charlie Walker went to the house of St. Pauls. In went Charlie's Union Jack
Three months later all was well. The boy had only one ball.
Have you heard of the baby of yore? (What is this one about? It makes no sense. - McW)
A baby in Kalamazoo, My day of birth, I nearly died. There once was a baby named Pete His baby was born rather late; Baby sucks on his cute little thumb Congrats John, she sounds like a winner When the baby is put in its bath, Said a pretty young mammy in Padua, There was a young lady named Gert The babe was up there for the view, Our friend Al is much, much too nice, I'm older than most of you here I'm probably older than you; They put me to bed in the trees, I hope you're not whining 'bout age, A swifty past fifty, oh dear, And when the stormy winds wail, Sally sued for support; she was claimin' Dad waited while Mum bought the ham. There were two consenting adults, A headstrong young woman in Ealing, Charlie, a croft-reared Jock, A conservative lady named Tabor, The babies were not very happy; A baby born late in December There was a young girl in Japan Your baby has gorn down the plughole; An industrious young obstetrician, A cute little baby is Riley, A publisher, once (name of Knopf), A scatter-brained couple at Gissing They told us Mt Baldy was neat, There's a dance-mad young matron of Sterling, I can't tell you much about Slade.
He's croissants and omelettes to eat;
And though he has oodles
Of Japanese noodles,
Speak English or die toute de suite!
--- John Miller
Folk come in, their bellies to fill,
They then Spanish spout;
He orders them out...
They go glad that they've not paid the bill.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But Geno's is probably grateful
To send the Spics packing
With bill payment lacking,
Before they have scarfed up a plateful.
--- John Miller
Declared, "I am full of defunction!"
When I said, "That's absurd,
You have used the wrong word,"
He said, "Then I'm full of flambunction!"
--- Limber Limericks
Who had flowers growing out of his head.
When his friends became sickly,
He'd run around quickly
And stand in a vase by the bed.
--- Anon
Who wore clothes not fit to be seen in;
When told that he shouldn't,
He replied, "Gumscrumrudent!"
A word of inscrutable meanin'.
--- Archie
Who placidly sat on a post.
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold,
And called for some hot buttered toast.
--- Edward Leer
Your room is all cluttered with junk.
Candles, bamboonery,
Plush and saloonery-
Pack it all up in a trunk.
--- Sir John Betjaman
Contracted pneumono-ultramicroscopic-silico-volcano-coniosis
Antidisestablishmentarianism,
Made him feel supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
--- Anon
Who got into a rather bad row-row.
The cause of the friction
Was his practicing diction,
Saying, "How-how now-now brown-brown cow-cow."
--- Anon
So drunks should reside in a dronastery.
Bunks rest in a bonastery,
Junks sail in a jonastery,
And girls, you'll find hunks in a honastery.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who called his apartment his howski.
His gum he called chewski,
His cow, moo-moo-mooski,
And his little dog, bow-wow-wow-wowski.
--- Anon
Spoke one word of English, poor soul.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was "Goal!"
--- Spike Mulligan
Spoke one word of English, just one.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was 'Run!'
--- Arthur Deex
Spoke one word of English, the maniac.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was 'Sack!'
--- Arthur Deex
Spoke one word of English, the hick.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was 'Kick!'
--- Arthur Deex
Spoke but two words of English, poor lout.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his two English words were 'Time Out!'
--- Arthur Deex
Then stopped in a sudden hiatus.
While searching his notes,
Folk reached for their coats,
And pelted the fool with tomatus.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Addicted to chewing on mastic.
He jaw grew so loose,
He could only produce
Sounds that were totally spastic.
--- Timothy Torkildson
But no-one could figure out how
Some people were sure
It was pronounced 'tor',
But arguements still persist now.
--- Anon
Rang-a-dang-ding-dongy-goo.
Rub-a-dub-diddily,
Scrub-a-dub-piddily,
Stroke-n-choke-chicken-'til-spew.
--- Anon
Whose son was incredibly dumb.
When he urged him ahead,
He went down instead,
For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
--- G0850
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from my spies,
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
--- Ogden Nash P9602
Who pondered the problem all day,
Of what there would be
If C-U-N-T
Were divided by C-O-C-K.
--- L0910
She gave him the problem to try.
He worked the division
With perfect precision,
And the answer was B-A-B-Y.
--- L0911
Doorstep babies -- their moms went astray.
They're bright, healthy, drug-free;
Each one needs TLC.
Wannabe parents? We'll meet you halfway.
--- Esther Koch
For I love little babies -- I do!
But they all look the same
Till they're older, I claim;
Then they bear no resemblance to you.
--- Karen
Or his willy, if one of those guys;
Are like Grandma Sharon's
Or Grandpappy Darren's,
Until it starts pooing and cries.
--- Karen
I've not seen anything so cute.
What's covering her
Is expensive fur,
And she smiles with the biggest of tooth
--- Anon
Produced quints by fast work with his phallus.
The first was named Art,
Then Andy, then Bart,
Followed by Bruno and Alice.
--- Michael Weinstein P8505
There he saw a woman with great big balls.
He gave her a shilling but she was not willing.
He gave her a pound and she lay on the ground.
He gave her a slap and she opened her gap.
--- Anon
Six months later, she began to swell.
Nine months later, Charlie got a shock;
The boy was born without a cock.
Ladies and Gentlemen that's not all;
--- Anon
Well, no one knew what is was for,
And being afraid,
It might be mislaid,
They put it away in a drawer.
--- P9507
This is file kll
Remarked quite distinctly, "Goo-goo."
'Twas explained by his ma,
And likewise his pa,
That he meant to say "How do you do?"
--- Anon
Outside the womb a voice yelled "Wide!"
But being immature
And therefore not too sure,
I thought the voice was yelling "Hide!"
--- Irving Superior P9509
Who couldn't yet stand on his feet.
To the window he'd cling
Till his mother would spring
And put him back under the sheet.
--- PayPete1st
Four pounds was the actual weight.
The kid was so thin,
It caused him chagrin.
He barely recovered his bait.
--- Al Willis P9703A
As he lies on his sweet little tum.
He is so well-intentioned,
He hates when it's mentioned,
He pukes on his poor little mum.
--- David A Brooks Q
A wonderful match for you, sinner
A soft little thing
Who makes your heart sing
While throwing up all of her dinner!
--- Anon
It splashes around for a laugh.
As mummy gets wild
And scolds the young child,
It increases its splashing by half.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
To her master, "Please, sir, you're a dadua.
I've come up for some pins,
For to wrap up the twins,
And to hear you remark, sir, how gladua."
--- Anon
Who was heard on occasion to blurt:
"It wasn't so bad
My just getting had,
It was having the baby that hurt."
--- G1663
To watch his mom and pop screw.
They were on the bed
Giving each other head.
They'll rescue him when they are through.
--- S C Saint
Giving all of us his free advice.
If Dr. Spock did find out
'Bout the freebies, no doubt,
He'd roll in his grave once or twice.
--- Cheryl
And I'm well past my 50th year.
Al's advice made me smile,
But too late by a mile.
My parents didn't heed it, I fear.
--- Peter W
Nothing about me is new.
But I did see red
When dropped on my head
From the bathinette while checking the view.
--- Arden
And forgot there is sometimes a breeze.
And I often fell out
On my head, without doubt.
So forgive my senility, please.
--- PeterW
Mature older types are the rage.
Twelve years since I'm fifty,
But still I'm called Swifty;
I'm spicy, not seasoned with sage.
--- Frank Fazed
You are far too fast, I fear.
Right under a bough,
I like it real slow,
When having in me a big spear.
--- Petunia
And the breezes blow high in a gale,
There's a curious dropping
And flopping and plopping,
As fat little babies just hail.
--- Rosalie Sorrells
Phil had fathered her baby named Damon.
She said, "I ought to know,"
As she pointed below,
"Because this is the box that it came in."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But when she came out, she said, "Sam!
That one's not our baby!
He answered, "Well, maybe,
But look, it's a much nicer pram."
--- Coral E Copping A
Who agreed that they would not repulse,
One another's advances,
But just take their chances,
And accept the result--or results.
--- John Ciardi
Threw her two weeks old child at the ceiling.
When quizzed why she did,
She replied, "To be rid
Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
--- Edward Gorey
Decided to start his own flock.
His bairn glugs the bottle
And spouts shit full throttle...
A real chip off the old block.
--- Jarmo
Had a date with her radical neighbor.
They argued all night,
On the left and the right.
In the end, though, he brought her to labor.
--- John Ciardi A
Not pleased with the three cornered nappy.
The old fashioned pants
Fell down if they'd prance;
That's how they told a girl from a chappie!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Succumbed the next year, in November,
Now his twin brother, Paul,
Can't recall him at all,
Because he was too young to remember.
--- Cap'n Bean P0112
Who went for a ride in a tram.
The dirty conductor
Got up her and fucked her,
And now she's pushing a pram.
--- Phil Johnstone G1672
Your baby has gorn down the plug.
The poor little thing
Was so skinny and thin,
She should have been washed in a jug.
--- Anon
Conceived his financial position,
To depend upon beauty
And husbandly duty,
And determined and endless coition.
--- Isaac Asimov
And 'bout him his mother speaks highly.
The DNA test
Showed Dad was not blest
With fatherhood, so she says shyly.
--- Archie
Alas, never knew when to stopf.
He lay down on the hipf
Of a charming young pipf,
And now he's a charming old popf.
--- Isaac Asimov
Arranged for an afternoon christening;
When they got there she said--
"Where's the baby, then Fred?"
He replied "I thought something was missing."
--- Archie
Just dress really warm, they'd repeat.
But poor baby Paul,
In his snowsuit and all,
Fainted away from the heat.
--- Sal R
Who can't be well fucked except whirling.
If the music's too mild
You can get her with child,
But the little thing's hair will need curling.
--- G1722
He just came for a weekend and stayed,
Making rather too free
With my household and me,
And begetting four sons by our maid.
--- John Ciardi
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