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A lady with asthma, from Bruce, I hope your new baby is fine, With babies, I get quite annoyed, Babies, they piss and they spew, If you can, be an Aunt; the job's breezy. Wee Nan was a gay, sporting lass. To her ma said a proud girl in Keyes, Changing baby can be quite grotty, While riding to work one fine morn, Lleyton Hewitt's new babe should be dead; In the back seat, Marlene was a terror, There was a young lady named Martha; (But it hardly seemed worth so much bartha.)
There once was a babe in the womb, Three lovely young girls from St. Thomas, (I'm surprised that by now they ain't mamas.)
The babies who live in the Andes A baby called Ferdinand Frost For hours my wife says 'Goodbye', With babies I don't have much luck; Please don't tell me that sex doesn't matter. Whilst pregnant for five months I knitted... It was nice to do something of use A cloistered kludge-maker of Grotte Quite lewdly, a sailor named Bass My wife Myrtle's womb has the habit An infant of unusual size Divested of vestiture, nude, A fortunate fellow called Sandon The McCaugheys in Des Moines are not quitters. (had septuplets!)
There was a young girl at Ferranti's Baby's soft spot, the size of a dime, A prolific young mother named Hall A one-day old baby in Wallabout, In the oceans, Puerto Rico's a cork. There was a young lady named Sue, Said young mom, "My baby confounds Said a cartographer in Peru, An impoverished young couple named Skeat, An Amazon giantess named Dunne, "Bowling balls or dead babes, here's the diff," A baby from Bequia named Beau There was a new father named Gabey, Said Gabey's young wife, "Well by golly. Said Gabey, "My dear, that's absurd; A wily skirt-chaser named Fletcher Said an unwed campaigner named Wilde, My baby's shut up in SCBU; (Special Baby Care Unit, pronounced scuh-boo)
Said my wife as she stood on a rostrum, They give an "X" rating to flicks But sex is quite tempting, they tell us: Bathroom humor seems to be On the plane next to me sat Sylvester, There was a young fellow called Matt, There was a young dumpling from Boulder, There once was a British Au Pair Ah yes, I remember dear Kath; I must have been ten -- now don't titter; The new one was Megan, much crueler; My sitter, however, was nice Holy Smoke! It's the end of July! There once was a young boy named Dave, A choirboy once sang a wrong note. There once was a schoolboy named Snelling Now children, I've been quite remiss, Between his two parents sleeps Lee; I myself have a wife, but no kid, When boys, we lived life to the full,
Was nursing the cutest papoose.
She said, "Kids I adore
And I would have had more,
But they're awfully hard to produce."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2478
I hope that it's truly divine;
I hope that it's cute,
And it's healthy, to boot,
But I hope that the sucker ain't mine!
--- Cap'n bean
Be they little girl or a boy.
Whining and crying,
My patience they're trying;
My nerves just about destroyed.
--- Karen
And all of those diapers, peeyoo!
One, okay maybe,
A cute little baby;
But why would you want to have two?
--- Karen
Few diapers to get you all queasy.
Play with them a while,
Make them laugh, make them smile --
And then hand them back. See? Fairly easy.
--- Tami
Dull May just spit up and passed gas.
Premature Jill
Gave new twist to my drill,
But Dave was a pain in the ass.
--- John Miller
"I'll do all the fucking I please!"
But to pay for her sins
She had interlocked twins,
And Oh! did those two bastards squeeze!
--- Grand Prix Lim 969 G1673
When it's got a wet, smelly body.
You really must try
To keep that end dry.
Then at least it will not get too spotty.
--- Tony Burrell
Saw a maiden out picking some corn.
Gave her a toss in the sheaves,
On a bed of corn leaves,
And a kernel-toothed baby she's borne.
--- Straydog
He was practicing serves near Bec's bed...
When the baby popped out,
Bec cried "Watch out, lout!"
So he lobbed it back over her head.
--- David Miller Q
But taking the pill seemed to scare her.
Said she, "Goodness sakes,
I don't make mistakes."
In nine months, she gave birth to an error.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
When the girls went far, she went fartha.
The affairs were good fun,
The result was a son,
Named Donahue, Smith, or McArtha.
--- G1688
Who decided he needed more room.
"Gotta get out of this place
'Cause I'm needing more space,"
He said, as he entered the flume.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Attended a dance in pajamas.
They were fondled in haste (They were screwed by the drummer
And soon after, all three were new mommas.
--- L1532
Can't trust to their feet and their handies;
Whenever they grope
Up the mountainous slope,
They wear non-skid belly-bandies.
--- Glimmerick Book P9108
Thought: I simply loathe being bossed.
But I'll speak out one day,
And the first words I'll say
Will be to my mother, "Get Lost!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
And a marvel of patience am I.
I can bridle my passion,
Through servants and fashion,
But at the mention of babies, I fly.
--- Gelett Burgess
I feed them and then they upchuck.
And after each meal,
I then have to deal
With the other end - Oh yucky YUCK!
--- Tepper and Morris P0104
It will sometimes make ladies grow fatter.
And then, don't you see,
What was two becomes three,
With that nerve-wracking sound, 'pitter-patter'.
--- Isaac Asimov
Then my premature baby I kitted
In doll clothes so small,
Barely nothing at all,
While I worried and panicked, and shitted!
--- Joie de Vivre
For my scrawny 'rat' in her papoose...
Nineteen days ventilator,
Two months incubator,
And woolies a nice shaade of puce!
--- Joie de Vivre
Said, on viewing his newly-begot,
"Though the need is not clear,
The wherewithal's here,
To solve problems nobody's got."
--- William J Wilson P0607
Made pregnant a victimized lass.
When the girl produced quints,
They were taken as hints
That Bass had made semen first class.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle,
Is so wonderously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
--- L0929
Was the source of quite ear-piercing cries.
In the pen where he played
Was a sharp razor blade
He had used to cut slits in his eyes.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
She certainly wasn't a prude.
Enveloping arms
Enfolded her charms,
As baby her clothing exchewed.
--- Philo Logue P8312
Was born with a seven-inch stand on.
The midwife said, "God!
How exceedingly odd!"
As he shagged her with carefree abandon.
--- Michael Horgan
When they must have their babies in litters.
I wish them good cheer
But I do greatly fear
This could lead to a shortage of sitters.
--- John Miller 0160
Who spent all her money on panties.
Then she went to Met-Vickers,
Where the girls wear no knickers,
And now all her sisters are aunties.
--- G1656
Has a most useful purpose, sublime.
Though you may be averse,
A maternity nurse
Can carry them ten at a time.
--- Scott
Seemed to have triplets each Fall.
When asked why and wherefore,
Said, "That's what we're here for,
But we often get nothing at all."
--- Anon
Reflected, "Oh, what is it all about?
I comprehend not
Whence, whither, or what,
But I'm sure it is something to squall about."
--- Morris Bishop
Its national bird is the stork.
There the natives deploy,
To share natural joy,
And then send the results to New York.
--- P9412
This is file kkl
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
But one leads to the other,
And now she's a mother--
Let this be a lesson to you.
--- L1688A
Me nightly with his crying sounds.
He seems to be hyper
About a dirty diaper,
Though the label says, "Up to ten pounds."
--- Observer
To his baby who drove him cookoo,
"First you nurse, then you poop,
Which throws me for a loop.
Titicaca's what I named for you!"
--- Tom Patton P0202
Used to bundle to save on the heat.
But six kids in five years,
Left them in such arrears,
They have never again made ends meet.
--- John Ciardi
Let a midget screw her for fun.
But the poor little runt
Was engulfed in her cunt,
And reborn as the twin of his son.
--- Anon
The old dump trucker said, with a sniff.
"This here pitchfork won't work
On those bowling balls (smirk);
Just dead babies what ain't got too stiff!"
--- Allen Wolverton
Would never say yes, only no.
He never said yes,
Never, never, unless
His mama and papa said no!
--- Molly Manley
Who said, "I'm not sleeping much, maybe,
'Cause my wife walks the floor
From midnight 'til four
With my melancholicky baby!"
--- Observer
It's easy for you to be jolly.
While I walk the floor,
You lay there and snore.
Why can't I partake of such folly?"
--- G Watson
I've not snored, or spoken one word.
The noise comes from old Ferrot,
Your stupid dumb parrot.
I've not heard a noisier bird."
--- G Watson
Declared, "It's been proved, but I bet you're
Unaware of the fact
That babes know what they've lacked
And go for a really cool lecher."
--- Armand E Singer P0202
"I'm not upset at being defiled.
They'll find a solution
To every pollution;
Until then, what to do with the child?"
--- Anon
My-oh-my what a TDU.
She doesn't look happy
With wires in her nappy
And pipes in her parts...Well, WJU?
--- Jarmo
"I don't mind if I don't have colostrum,
But I'll take an option,
If your child's for adoption--
Though I cannot bear kids, I can foster 'em."
--- L1612
Where sex is the center of kicks,
While violence and war
Are considered fit for
Small children no older than six.
--- Norm Storer
War isn't, so they must be zealous
To teach everyone
That war is great fun--
So the generals won't become jealous.
--- Norm Storer
A male thing! Would you agree?
I've only one child,
And though he is mild,
He started about the age three.
--- Maggie
Four years old and a real patience-tester!
My nerves he so tested,
I had him arrested
For being an ADULT molester.
--- Writerman
Who climbed on a chair like a cat.
He thought he would risk it
And reach for a biscuit,
But fell on the floor and went splat.
--- Jane Herbert
Who loved to ride dear daddy's shoulder.
Dad, at first, thought it fun.
Then she turned twenty-one,
And he thought she should know--so he told her.
--- John Ciardi
Who threw a young child down the stair.
When the case went to trial,
She thought it was vile,
Or at least it was not very fair.
--- Popsicle TP9807
When younger, we'd both share a bath;
When she stroked my banana,
I'd be in Nirvana.
When was that? I'll just do the math...
--- Tiddy Ogg
Advanced for my age, and much fitter.
But then things grew weird;
My mother appeared,
And we soon got a new baby sitter.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Big strong, regimental, much cooler.
If I showed affection
And gained an erection,
She'd strike at my dick with a ruler.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Understood all my needs in a trice.
When my weenie got hard,
She'd massage it with lard,
Then give fine instruction in vice.
--- Anon
How quickly the summer goes by.
Soon the kids in the pool
Will be going to school;
How I'll miss all those noisy small fry!
--- John Miller 0044
Who took all the money he'd saved,
And went to see Charlotte,
(The town's famous harlot)
And was told to come back when he shaved!
--- Laurence Craft
To his mother, the choir master wrote:
"Pray, keep him in bed
On Sunday's instead;
Alternately--cut his throat.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Who wasn't to brilliant in spelling.
He wrote on a door:
"Are teecher's a boar."
Now he cannot sit down for the swelling.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Not telling you stories like this,
For many a day;
But you know what they say:
All good things must end. Goodbye bliss.
--- Anon
On either side Mommy Daddy.
"It seems quite apparent,
He's scared," said a parent,
So he sleeps parenthically."
--- Irving Superior P8811
But I hear all the time, if I did,
I'd be more complete;
That they're really quite sweet;
And then ask if for theirs I would bid.
--- Anon
And when bored, they girls' pigtails we'd pull.
We sure had to fly
To get out of the sty;
That sow, Jill, could charge like a bull.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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