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The singular also means two -- Here's a puzzle designed to perplex: I learned to right English reel well. Such nonsense has never been heard; Two mouses are called some mice, At long last my Spell Checker's come clean; There was a young man of Dunleary The possessive of it is just its, (discovered by Harry Themal in New York Times)
There was a young lady from Leicester Be careful when spelling Louise, "The past tense of pay is still "paid." My kyboard has on missing ky. If it flies through the air, it's a missle; A teacher whose spelling's unique He's THE Dali Lama, I hear. There was a young chappie named Cholmondely, I pro-cured a new dic-tion-ary They do help me keep to the me-ter A teacher was once heard to yell: Why don't we pronounce steak like steek, Whatever happened to Pete? This evening he's staring aghast What, frightened of deadlines? Not I! I don't believe that for a seque. Yes, Peter, with pomp and panache, By 'eque you're a cynical lacht; Robert Baston was talking to me, When I'm looking for rhymes, I find "curse" Physics, a science of phun; Speaking of names, Old Galoot, A certified poet from Slough, Now speaking of shit you can't spell, I'll tell you the story of Verity; Her husband would never misfire, There was a young lady from Slough A tourist who toured Elkhorn Slough To scatter some seed is to sow. All speedwriting masters admit Ah'm lukin fo "spell cheque"... cain't sae yit... A spelling reformer indicted (wite - pay a fine)
How British talk is quite jolly; Explain your use of an asterisk. An English teacher under duress, A curious lad from Versailles Young Dick, always eager to eat, The sound of an "n" as in "knife", My very good friends in Cormeilles (Cormay) The girlfriend of that whirling dervish, A small boy when asked to spell "yacht," Sir Jester, what can you be after, A litigious irascible Sioux A boy at Sault Ste. Marie An Indian maiden, a Sioux, I have never laid eyes on a Sioux, Now what in the world shall we dioux A wandering tribe called the Siouxs, When out on the warpath, the Siouxs, All new-fashioned boats he exchiouxs, The principal food of the Siouxs, Now doesn't this spelling look ciouxrious? Minnehaha was a beautiful Sioux. Because limerick writers tease Sioux The letter who calls herself "A" Forbidden, forsworn, and abjured; Etymologist, aging Max Budd's Mimi, a mischievous monkey
Without any change you get plu-
Ral. But, you can choose
'Twixt gnu or gnus.
Is this stuff that you already gnew?
--- Doug Harris P0604
Why must English always be complex...
Like spelling Grand Prix
With simply an 'e'
Instead of an 'i' and an 'x'?
--- Stu Lucas P9512
At speling, I also excell.
I got my acumen
From good ole Ed Newman,
But I no from my pomes you can tell.
--- Al Willis TP9802
The rules always change with each word.
I spell the word "beard,"
But it sounds just like "leered,"
And check the first line, it's absurd.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And two louses are called some lice.
One must pause and ponder,
Sit, think, and wonder
Why two houses are not some hice.
--- William K Alsop Jr
I can demonstrate just what I mean.
It maintains, don't you see,
I does not follow E,
i.e., there's weir, weird, also codeine.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0207
Who pronounced an interesting theory:
That the language of Erse
Has a shortage of verse
As the spelling makes poets so weary.
--- Anon
But its usage gives people the fits.
They expect to see
An apostrophe,
But you shorten it when it's it's.
--- Robert J Bagley P9901
Whom young Peter used to pester.
One day she got mad,
Got hold of the lad,
And he still has some wounds that fester.
--- R Rezel
Or you're likely to get the big freeze.
You dare spell it Louse
And she'll do more than grouse;
You'll hang by the balls from the trees.
--- Anon
And the past tense of lay is still "laid."
(My teacher, by chance,
Has arrived her from France.)
"It makes perfect cents," teacher sayed.
--- Al Willis
I couldn't car lss, as you'll s.
But why should I grip ?
As long as I typ
A po m that rhym s to a t ?
--- Anon
And if it's a bird, it's a missel.
With this language I play.
For reform I must pray.
Now where in the hell is my missal?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Thus wrote down the "Days of the Wique":
The first he spelt "Sonday,"
The second day, "Munday" --
And now a new teacher they sique.
--- Charles Battell Loomis
I shout hooray and give a cheer!
Oh, dear -- not that kind?
Sigh -- spelling I find
Requires more than a good ear.
--- Anon
Who always at dinner sat dumbly.
His fair partner said
As he crumbled his bread,
"Dear me! You behave very rumly."
--- Punch 1896 P0312
To en-hance my vo-cab-u-lary.
My pro-nun-ci-a-tion
Is swee-ping the na-tion.
These dash-es are un-nec-ess-ary.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And have made my lim-er-icks swee-ter.
Al-though lines are long-er,
My rhy-ming is strong-er;
My me-ter has ne-ver been nea-ter
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"Silence! You bastards from hell!"
A young punk up front
Remarked with a grunt,
"Science, you twit, has no 'L'."
--- Anon
Like week, for example, or beak.
But No! we say steak,
As in bake me a cake.
So let's throw this whole mess in the creak.
--- Brandy Brandon P9410
He's dragging his limerick feet;
Too busy to lurk,
On accout of his work,
And impossible deadlines to meet.
--- Peter Wilkins
At mountainous paperwork vast;
A hundred and two
Or so projects all due
By the end of the week before last.
--- Peter Wilkins
Everybody should give them a try.
The best thing I've found
Is the strange whooshing sound
They all make as they go flashing by.
--- Simon Drew
That Peter's a slacker, by heque!
He naps in his chair
And billls them for air,
Then merrily cashes the cheque.
--- Ericka
Engages to romp in his stache,
And loves every minute
Of geing there inute,
Just like when he's chequing his cache!
--- Travis
The cheque that I cache ain't so hacht
For slaving away
Like a dog every day...
Why it don't even pay for my yacht.
--- Peter Wilkins
On how the alphabet should be.
"Some use twenty six
But they get in a fix.
So I only use t, tau, and T.
--- Oxford Limericks
And a differed spelling for "hearse."
It's all so perverse,
I can hardly converse.
This language can't ever get worse!
--- Al Willis
Its spelling will leave you undone.
Not just phor me
But even phor thee;
It's trouble phor everyone.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I want to say something re "Knut":
If you go to Norway
You MUST sound the "K":
Say ca-NUTE or ka-NOOT, but not NEWT.
--- Bill Edwards P9105
Whose methods of rhyming were rough,
Retorted, 'I see
That the letters agree
And if that's not enough I'm through.'
--- Terse Verse P0206
That Polski is tricky as hell.
I don't think it's easy
To say s-z-c-z,
Or smart to write W as L.
--- Anon
That girl shed her clothes with celerity,
For any who swore
They'd be hers every more...
Yes, she put the sin in sincerity.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file kml
And they had enough kids for a choir;
His strength was prolific,
And they say it's specific:
It was he, put the sire in desire.
--- Hugh Clary
Who last year developed a cough.
She wasn't to know
It would last until now.
Let's hope the poor girl will pull through.
--- Kevin Hale
Saw a tree that was covered with dough.
He heard a faint cough
From doves that were tough
And was shocked by their most hearty bough.
--- Arthur Deex P0504
A needle is used but to sew.
If you have been taught
That this means a lot,
Then you are a square so-and-so.
--- Al Willis TP9806
That their English professors threw fits.
The thrust of my thesis
Is, f u cn rd ths,
U knw u cnt spl wrth a sht!
--- Anon
Mayks noe nevah minde... cude thet bae yit?
Ah pooshed aon thet buttin
Yit's betchin baut nuttin'
Thayz 'pooters cain't spayll wuhth uh shee-yit
--- Anon
For fudge, was before the court cited.
The judge said, "Enough,
Your candle we'll snough,
Your sepulchre shall not be wighted."
--- Ambrose Bierce
For Cholmondalay they say Cholly.
But I'm damned if I see
How Trottiscliffe is Trosley,
And Magdalene's Maudlin? 'Tis folly!
--- Warrick Elrod
Do you feel you'd be taking a risk,
If you spelled out fuck,
Then what about suck?
Are you afraid someone would say "tsk tsk?"
--- Anon
Asked why I would increase her stress.
It's no anomaly,
That invariably,
You'd prefer double d's in address.
--- Anon
Once asked of his schoolteacher, whailles
Spelling pagned his braign seau,
But she just didn't kneaux,
So she thrioux up her hands with a sailles.
--- Anon
Denied stealing the fish eggs, whereat
Caning him for a liar,
His pa ate the caviar
And left Dickie digesting the caveat.
--- Oulipo P0604
It usually causes me strife.
In "pneumonia", it's dumb.
We say "gnaw" but how come
In English, this weird stuff is rife.
--- Al Willis
Live rather a long way aweilles--
I must leave on a plane,
Or a ferry, or train,
To see them whenever I meilles!
--- E Fox
Was feeling so tense and so nervish;
'Cause he'd run around
With those fast girls in town,
A fate that she didn't deservish.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Most saucily said, "I will nacht."
So his teacher in wrath,
Took a section of lath,
And warmed him up well, on the spacht.
--- Anon
With your silly snickers and laughter?
You'll not drive me frantic
With your comedian antic,
I may be daft, but you're daughter.
--- A W Edwards P9112
Once slipped and fell into a sault.
When a friend gave him succor,
The onery sucker
Growled, "I'll find who's to blame and I'll sue!"
--- A N Wilkins P9112
Said, 'Spelling is all Greek to me,
Till they learn to spell "Soo"
Without any "U"
Or an "A" or an "L" or a "T"!'
--- Anon
As tempting as a fresh honeydioux,
Liked to show off her knees,
As she strolled past tepees,
And hear the braves holler, "Wioux, Wioux!"
--- Anon
A Kinkajioux, Ziouxlioux, or gnioux;
I suspect that such rhymes
Are conceived in bad thymes,
By people with nothing to dioux.
--- Limber Limericks
With the bloody and murderous Sioux,
Who some time ago
Took arrow and bow
And raised such a hellabelioux?
--- Eugene Fields
Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs.
They are made of buckskin,
With the fleshy side in,
Embroidered with beads of bright hyiouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells
March single file, never by tiouxs,
And by blazing the trees
Can return at their ease,
And their way through the forests ne'er liouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells
And uses the birch-bark caniouxs;
They are handy and light,
And, inverted at night,
Give shelter from storms and from dyiouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells
Is Indian maize, which they briouxs,
And hominy make.
Or mix in a cake,
And eat it with forks, as they chiouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells
'Tis enough to make anyone fiouxrious.
So a word to the wise!
Pray our language revise,
With orthography not so injiouxrious.
--- Charles F Adams
With her chief, she sure loved to screw.
She lived up in the Sault;
He lived there too.
And then she lost him. Boo hoo!
--- Ed Wolfert P8405
By misspelling Sioux words like canioux,
They loathe our poor rhymes
And have warned me three times
That the tomahawk's used by Sioux tioux.
--- David A Brooks
Is a slutty old letter, they say;
For, never like "B",
Or like "C", or like "D",
She can always be found in a lay.
--- Cap'n Bean P0606
Can I think of a more obscure word?
With thesaurus at hand,
I think, "ampersand",
But to "steatopygia" I'm lured.
--- Dan Parslow
Word interest rushed from flow to flood.
He asked who, among seers
Guessed the passage of years
Gave new meaning to the phrase, 'draw blood'?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0507
Dressed up to look like a Hunky.
She wore a babushka,
We called her Petrouchka,
And sneakers she put on her donkey.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9306
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