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I suppose that the old ancient Jews The bidding was fierce and obscene; (Norman Douglas' book sold for this in 1991
In Limerick, the name of one town, An insane old king made, for a time Here is Edward Lear and some friends, Her Eyes and Glow-worme lend thee, I would certainly not be adverse, Immortalia's clearly obsessive A thought to my mind did arrive; This here is my very last Ditty; (the last 365th limerick in John Miller's series)
If you work you way into the past I went to my local bookstore Where do old limericks go? Lear may the first limericks have versed, Too bad Mr Lear ain't alive Prehistory covers a time The first limerick writer, Ed Lear, There was an old limerick so naughty The limericks that here are exhibited God sat in his heaven, contented, At a Web site called toastpoint.com (Toastpoint had a website promoting limericks)
Bob Turvey once said, "I'm a guy, Earl's wife gave her verdict, "Whatever!" My thoughts fly like birds made of lead. The limerick muse in my head "Do this and do that," says the boss, "I don't gather moss," I protest, If you have a flair for light verse, If my limericks couldn't be crude, My outburst of self-defecation, I'm lonely and sad and bereft, I cannot write verses today; Then closing my eyes, I shall pick I pray for an internet ban Folk once posted limericks in reams, Whenever there's a limerick drought, I'm working from home, don't you know, Once limericks a-plenty I wrote 'em, I'm eating some crackers in bed. If your muse is feeling quite crummy, I too was suffering writer's block. My muse will not come here and sup My muse has been giving a nudge -- Upon this commode I oft sit I fear, though, I've been in a slump; My muse arrives only in fall; It's been quite a while, I'm afeared, Your Muse has returned, Chris, and yet, I've been on a limerick hiatus; It has been a horrid long time When the Muse points in a new direction, A limericker woke from his snooze, Limerick muses -- don't fight 'em, And Travis and this here new guy, Should you question my authenticity, It seems part of a "greater design" (What's My Line - popular TV show with Bennett Cerf, 1950's)
A limerick group is more fun My muse only thinks on the squat; We males, I'm quite sure, all agree How kind of you, sir, to advance I will with verbosity chit And my muse is female, I know When I grow up I want to be Or maybe I would be an owner The question is moot, I suppose, A limerick is written more tightly
Had no other way to spread the news.
The Pharisees told 'em
"We've no cable modem,
And collect calls we simply refuse."
--- Tom Allen
Some Limericks were caught in between
Two bidders dead set,
This mint first to get:
The Swann song was $417.
--- Cliff Scheiner P9203
The lads at the pub would sit down
To sing of young lasses,
With rotund little asses,
Each adding his own clever round.
--- Bob Birch
The writing of limericks, a crime.
But all through the night,
Dissidents would write
Verse with excellent meter and rhyme.
--- Anon
With verse with nonsensical ends;
Here's no atom of meaning
That's really worth gleaning,
But our laughter makes final amends.
--- E O Parrot
The Shooting Starres attend thee;
The elves also,
Whose little eyes glow,
Like the sparke of fire befriend thee...
--- Ben Johnson P0506
And would gladly risk the Mummy's curse,
If I could but unearth
A scroll from Egypt's turf,
Of some hieroglyphs in five line verse.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0103
With sexual urges transgressive,
And a content that caters
To lecherous satyrs:
A content that's very impressive.
--- Hugh Clary
'Tis worth keeping our memories alive!
And so I must ask,
Is it someone's task
To keep all these lims in archive?
--- C Anton
It isn't especially witty.
I hope you enjoyed
This means I've employed
To excel, just like old Walter Mitty.
--- John Miller 0365
And browse through the limerick's cast,
You'll see that old Lear
Wasn't first born in here,
Though he was the first one to last.
--- Niels Knoop
And found they had "Legman" galore.
They had both his books,
And for thirty "bucks",
I picked them both up off the floor!
--- Anon
Some good ones were here long ago.
Do they dissapate
Or some similar fate?
Thanks to you if you happen to know.
--- Chris Bolivar
But these days his style does seem cursed.
His first four are fine,
But the man's final line
Seems simply to echo the first.
--- Stan Armstrong
To see how his brainchild doth thrive;
But he might go grey
At how we, today,
Don't copy line one in line five.
--- Norm Storer
When limericks wern't in their prime;
For the people back then
Had no pencil or pen,
And they hadn't discovered the rhyme.
--- Cap'n Bean P0204
Wrote nothing so vulgar, I fear.
Good fun was his aim,
Which brought him great fame,
So please don't talk out of your rear.
--- Sue Mitchell
That it traveled from potty to potty,
Reaping shameful cognition
By oral tradition;
It was polished and now it is haughty.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0011
Are bold and downright uninhibited,
We warn ladies meek
It was only last week,
They were banned and suppressed and prohibited.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
As limericks foul he invented.
On the Bible, I swear,
If I only were there,
This invention I would have prevented.
--- Al Chaplin
There's a menu to choose first lines from;
Add four more of your own,
Whether nice, or off-tone,
And get starred if they shine with aplomb!
--- Anon
Who loves limericks, and I'll try,
To trace their dim history
And clear up the mystery
Of who wrote what, when, where and why."
--- Bob Turvey P0607
But, thinking I'd be sort of clever,
I thought if she felt
A bit 'roused, she would melt
Not with who-, but when-, where- and however.
My limerick muse must have fled.
So what's the solution?
Well, here's my conclusion:
Like flowers, I'll stay in my bed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Has sadly gone AWOL and fled;
Replaced, I confess,
With a pressing excess
Of demands to meet deadlines instead.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who seemingly gives not a toss;
Then adds with a smirk,
"I employ you to work,
And I can't have you gathering moss."
--- Peter Wilkins
"It's too bloody hard to digest."
(A comment I bet
I shall come to regret,
For the boss ain't exactly impressed.)
--- Peter Wilkins
And can keep your verbosity terse,
Get your muse to perform
In the limerick form,
And write us one better or worse!
--- East Coast Lims P0310
My muse would really be screwed.
If I couldn't play facile
With shit, fuck, and asshole,
I'd be a miserable, unhappy dude.
--- John Chastaine
(Unworthy of your commendation
For which I've much gratitude)
Is always my attitude,
When straining from muse-constipation.
--- Anon
Deserted by muses who left.
I now cannot write
With scansion that's tight,
And thoughts of a bosomy cleft.
--- Archie
My muse is reluctant to play.
Instead I'll just jot
Down some words such as "twat"
And arrange them face down on a tray.
--- Peter Wilkins
A word out at random like..."lick".
Good heavens! And "lips":
And the third on is "drips",
So the last, I presume, must be "ice cream"?
--- Peter Wilkins
This is file iom
On limericks that don't even scan,
But merely abuse
Dear Erato, our muse.
'Twere best they were flushed down the can.
--- Johnny Randy
But now we've a desert, it seems.
Long gone's that oasis,
That once formed the basis
Of many lads' sticky wet dreams.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'm tempted to fuss, fume, and pout;
Instead though, with qualms,
And lathered up palms,
I'll quickly just whip my own out!
--- Travis Brasell
Though it's going exceedingly slow;
But my limerick muse
Is still lighting my fuse,
So I think I'll just go with the flow.
--- Anon
And into this forum I'd float 'em.
My muse now is dead,
So I sit here instead,
And happily play with my scrotum.
--- Tiddy Ogg Q
I write what comes into my head.
My paper is blank.
My muse is a crank --
Who won't sleep with crumbs -- so he said.
--- Anon
He may suffer from upset tummy.
So put him to sleep,
Then quitely creep
Over here where it's constantly sunny!
--- Anon
I sat here and stared at the clock.
With no inspiration,
In total frustration,
But now I see plenty of schlock!
--- Anon
Of coffee; I'm having a cup.
My thoughts are quite trite,
So I think I shall write
About the first thing to come up.
--- Anon
I'll -- Quick! -- write it down now. Oh fudge!
Quick as a wink,
It's gone and I think,
My muse must be nursing a grudge.
--- John Miller
Until a wee ode I have writ;
It helps me to thinkle
While having a tinkle,
And when it's completed, I shit.
--- Peter Wilkins
My muse has gone taken a jump.
But now I've completed
This ode while I'm seated.
My God! Am I needing a dump!
--- Peter Wilkins
For three seasons I write not at all.
I swear it to you;
It's strange but it's true;
Autumn Mania has me climbing the wall.
--- Mike Desso
Since in here I have appeared.
But the Muse has returned;
I have again learned
A good lim is a thing to be cheered.
--- Chris Anton
You've barely just broken a sweat.
You posted one lim;
Your future looks grim;
Is that all that we're going to get?
--- Observer
My muse had an MIA status.
She often eludes me
And this thus procludes me
From passing words worth more than flatus.
--- Anon
Since I've felt like attempting a rhyme.
My muse went away
But her visit today
Means I'll sit down and write one sublime.
--- Anon
Toward the limerick writing section,
There's just one thing to do:
Polish up thoughts anew,
And write limericks to perfection.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Got into his best running shoes,
And worked up a sweat
With a butterfly net,
As he tried to recapture his muse.
--- Cyber Geezer
Or spite 'em or slight 'em -- delight 'em.
Relax and invite 'em
To write 'n' rewrite 'em,
Et cetera ad infinitum.
--- Peter Wilkins
On themselves they can always rely,
To vent writer's block,
With their hand on their cock,
Will never leave them high and dry.
--- Anon
I shall wither away in pudicity;
No intent of duplicity --
I plead "infelicity" --
I'm a victim of Jung's synchronicity!
--- Kathleen A Martin P8312
That both Bennett and I should incline
To the same turn of phrase
In identical ways;
And to wit, if Cerf's first, what's my line?
--- Kathleen A Martin P8312
When gals and guys post at least one
New verse night and day
To beef up the play
'Twixt muses who think on the run.
--- Travis Brasell
And often he runs cold and hot.
He's a typical male --
He tries not to fail,
But sometimes he can't hit the spot.
--- Ericka
You've got a 'hot spot,' namely 'G,'
That quivers with wit,
Whenever it's hit
And counters with great repartee.
--- Travis Brasell
Compliments to me, if by chance.
Are you using your tongue
And those words, so well hung,
To try to get into my pants.
--- Ericka
And chat with you hoping that it
Will give me the chance
To get in your pants --
But hon, I don't think they will fit!
--- Travis Brasell
'Cause often she just doesn't show.
She's done it again;
I started and then --
Before I can come, she will go.
--- Archie
A man with an earned PhD.
And then I could write
A limerick right,
And sign it "Dr C-U-N-T."
--- Travis Brasell
Of some office store and sell toner;
I'd hire me a clerk
Then put her to work
And pay her to tone up my boner.
--- Travis Brasell
If the rhythm and meter still flows;
Why the name of the poop
That's spread in this group
Is "limerick", nobody knows.
--- John Miller
That those I've been reading, so lightly
Constructed and formless,
By prats who are gormless!
Admonished John Miller, contritely.
--- Hugh Clary
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