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A limerick, when it's done airily, Through the process of elimination, Takes thought to make a lim pleasin' I sit in continuous thought, My lines are all simply mine, The technical books I have here It leaves me with so little time Some lims have no consequence here, OK; as a theory it stinks, Much better than that, I can do, That's better; an hour on the can! There was a young lady of France OK now; I'm shutting my eyes. (I see girls; I see cows; I see sheep; Oh dammit! I've just spilled my tea. Guess who I just met in the loo? "I don't!" I said, wincing in pain. "Well thanks. But I'm puzzled, dear Sue, "You too? At the end of your tether?" I think I should finish right here, I cannot write one fucking rhyme, If it comes down to which one to lose, My Muse has gone AWOL I fear; Take yesterday, Tuesday. I spent Inspired now, I wrote the next line I stared at those words for a while Then horror of horrors! A thought So now I just sit here and stare My lim cyber-age is two years; What are you on about, Arch? A pole-dancer's not what I am, There's limericks plenty I'm sending, A Rose, for some limericks, has chased 'em, I sit here and drink me a cup; At last he is gone, the old Earl (Earl of Limerick dies 2005)
"It's OK", says the Earl, "you can't pick "So how do you do it?" Pete whines. "It's not easy," the Earl declares See, St. Pete has it in his plan He wants for material gains Fed up with the saintly democracy, (And he ain't told the boss that his staff God's keen for a new face on his gate, So that is the way that it went; So what of each exchanged career? His dreams became shattered at once, The Earl meantime, he took wings; God says he has freshened the air most So when it is timely to go, But don't be in a rush to jump Rather, seek to bring love and some fun; A bevy of beauties once penned H Mencken is probably right; So thanks for your patience proverb'al; Said the bird, "I'd like to be glamourous John Miller is handsome and slim, Tomorrow, they say, never comes, But back to respond to dear Dave Of ribbons and medals I've naught; Oh Brother! Have you got it wrong! I was wrong, much to my chagrin, The hair that I have 'round the rim, I'd not say her sight is so poor Now David, you do have that right, You're right. As a lover of quim, On girls who will tickle my thing, By what was this frizzy hair stuck?
Produces light humor, summarily,
Resulting in cluckles
And knee-slapping chuckles!
Retorted John Miller, Hugh Clarily.
--- Travis Brasell
I found cause for Big E's consternation.
The cause is, to wit,
And to quote her, "I sit..."
That brought me a realization.
--- Anon
And springtime just ain't thinking season.
Just sitting won't work.
Give your mind a good jerk,
'Cause it only stands to reason.
--- Anon
Combining the lines that are wrought,
From hours of thinking,
(And copious drinking),
So I don't do the work that I ought!
--- Anon
I figure one theme at a time.
But sometimes a theme
Pops out with a scream,
And I have to just write that new rhyme
--- Anon
Are related to work and career;
But it's taking me ages
To read all these pages,
And learn this new garbage I fear.
--- Anon
To compose and post limerick rhyme.
Now my brain is stuffed full
Of work nonsense and bull-
Shit. It sure is a terrible crime.
--- Anon
While I wait for the weather to clear.
Inspiration I'll find
If I empty my mind;
That's the theory to which I adhere.
--- Anon
For my mind is like that of a sphinx;
It's inscrutably void.
I'm not best overjoyed;
I should concentrate harder, methinks.
--- Anon
So a coffee or tea I shall brew.
(Shuffles off to the kitchen
And presses the switch on
The kettle then pops to the loo.)
--- Anon
(The result of my breakfast of bran.)
Now I'm sure I shall find
With that weight off my mind,
That my lims go according to plan.
--- Anon
Who would thwart all attempts at romance.
(For a reason I now
Can't remember somehow
For my mind has returned to its trance.)
--- Peter Wilkins
(Sheesh it's dark - but it's worth a few tries.
I see ripples of light.
No; they're nipples all right
And Waahey! I see bumcracks and thighs.)
--- Anon
I see visions of Little Bo Peep;
I see Little Miss Muffet;
She's frigging her tuffet;
Her fingers are digging in deep.)
--- Anon
I've gone knocked it all over my knee
And my testicles too!
(Races back to the loo;
Checks them out for a moment or three.)
--- Anon
'Twas my neighbour next door name of Sue.
I was clutching my balls
And with pain climbing walls,
When she calmly said, "How do you do?"
--- Anon
"I shall never have nookie again."
"Don't be silly", said Sue,
"In a moment or two
All your bits will be righter than rain."
--- Anon
As to why you are here in my loo."
"Well I needed a wee
Little piddle", said she,
"For it helps with my limericks too."
--- Anon
Said I. "Now I'm wondering whether
You'd join me, dear Sue
(In or out of the loo)
Writing limerick verses together."
--- Anon
For my brain is now knackered, I fear.
Lovely Sue's gone away
For the rest of the day;
You may sigh with relief now or jeer.
--- Anon
In a decent limerick time.
What am I to do?;
My brain's turned to goo.
Just pass me a Corona with lime.
--- Irish
Limerickin' or drinkin'? No news.
I prayed to the muse,
"Which one should I choose?"
She answered, "Don't give up the booze."
--- Irish
I'm bereft of a single idea
For a limerick verse.
Can it get any worse?
It just did. I just ran out of beer.
--- Anon
Half the day (well, the evening, I meant)
Writing garbage; but then
At a quarter past ten
I wrote "Was a young man from Tashkent".
--- Anon
In excitement; a line just divine;
'Twas "Who's dick was so long
That it bent". I was wrong;
After all I was rhyming just fine.
--- Anon
With a smug and self-satisfied smile;
Then I scribbled down "bucket"
"Nantucket" and "fuck it"
And other things equally vile.
--- Anon
Struck my mind and it brought me up short.
"Oh my god; these are old
And they're covered in mold",
I exclaimed feeling tired and distraught.
--- Anon
At my screen. I'm in utter despair
For my mind is a blank
And however I crank
It I fear there's no limerick there.
--- Anon
I entered this place with some fears.
But put forth my stuff.
Be damned! No rebuff!
So I hope that I'm here among peers.
--- Anon
Been screwing the mad hares of March?
Or have mice you fool
With, softened your tool,
So it's now needing stiffening with starch?
And I'll not play lamb to your ram.
If you've got a hard-on
I do beg your pardon --
But Erm could play bread to your jam.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They've left here, but there ain't no ending.
One more senile cock;
Fucked up system clock!
To dotage I'm quickly descending.
--- Anon
And, catching a few, he won't waste 'em;
To keep 'em from dying,
(And all of us crying!)
He'll copy them buggars, then paste 'em.
--- Anon
This is file inm
Post rhymes while I breakfast and sup.
Then read 'em all night
While I howl with delight;
It's a good thing I crack myself up!
--- Anon
To Heaven's gates; the story unfurls.
Saint Pete said, "The Times
Only gave you five lines
But at least they were wisdomly pearls".
--- Doug Harris P0501
Or choose an obituary slick.
I'm just glad that I'm here
And not where I'd feared
Down below, with opponent Old Nick!"
--- Doug Harris P0501
"Cram so very much in, yet refined
Into verse honeysuckle,
Producing a chuckle,
And all over only five lines?"
--- Doug Harris P0501
(Still blissfully all unaware
That Pete in his wisdom
Plans plagiarism,
Behind his angel-like stare).
--- Doug Harris P0501
To come back to the world as "The Man",
And to take up the berth
Left vacant on earth,
As champion of rhyme, if he can.
--- Doug Harris P0501
Based on copying the Earl's old sayings,
With Limerick lucre,
(He expects a Booker),
The poetry scene (mortal) to reign.
--- Doug Harris P0501
He wants to try out some plutocracy.
His career, it is fair;
Is all up in the air,
If he can overcome some bureaucracy.
--- doug Harris P0501
May shortly show less on the graph.
But of course, God's in the know
And sometimes it shows
As he tries very hard not to laugh).
--- Doug Harris P0501
(A pearlier smile that won't grate).
An angel to afford
Grace of the clipboard,
As he welcomes new clients to their fate.
--- Doug Harris P0501
Pete got to develop his bent.
And guess who got signed
As God's aide, you will find
'Twas the Earl, as God said "Heaven sent!"
--- Doug Harris P0501
Though you may well think this a small beer.
Well the requisite meter
Eluded Saint Peter;
No chat shows or book signings here!
--- Doug Harris P0501
As he learned that which mattered (the dunce).
Of love and efforts best,
Not a cash hungry zest,
Now he's stranded on earth with two puns.
--- Doug Harris P0501
Excelling in after-life things.
You'll meet him perchance
In God's main entrance,
As some whimsical comfort he brings.
--- Doug Harris P0501
In the difficult top of the stair post.
(He's now dyed his hair blonde
And become very fond
Of the rest of the angelic fair host).
--- Doug Harris P0501
Look out for the Early "Hello".
He'll be there with a verse,
(Not to swell his purse)
That will start you right off with a glow.
--- Doug Harris P0501
Off this coil, look after your pump.
Keep your heart in its place,
Serve the whole human race,
And don't act like Peter (the chump).
--- Doug Harris P0501
Like our Earl, refrain from being glum.
Keep out of the hearse,
By practising verse;
Bang the versal rehearsaling drum!
--- Doug Harris P0501
Their lim'ricks about how they've sinned.
But now they're so quiet;
Is there some new diet
They've tried that has left them quite thinned?
--- Anon
His thinking was always so bright,
And he knew the trick
Of a good limerick--
Long lines make it hard to recite.
--- Anon
Hope that I didn't disturb y'all.
Once this has been read,
I'll hide 'neath the bed,
Out of fear that the Limerick cops you'll call.
--- Anon
In the poetry world; to be famourous.
If I write using limerink,
Will you kick up a literary stink,
Or can I say, now I-am-bic pen-tamerous?"
--- Doug Harris P0504
But hairwise, it is getting grim.
His dear wife, (with poor sight),
Combs his long locks each night,
But this hair doesn't belong to him.
--- David Miller
And people like me, mostly thumbs,
Have hardly begun
What could have been done
Days before by mere morons and bums.
--- John Miller
Who chose to come out of his cave,
And let his girl rot
While fomenting a blot
On me with his rant and his rave.
--- John Miller
Nor battles have I ever fought,
Unless you can count
When slow to dismount,
As her husband came in, I got caught.
--- John Miller
The blubber hangs over my thong.
My face, like a frog,
Scares even my dog.
(Though I still have a seven inch dong.)
--- John Miller
But maybe I could be your kin.
Your appearance I see,
Is exactly like me;
So I think you could be my twin.
--- David Miller
Of my skull is both robust and trim.
And though it's turned white,
It still works all right
As a broom for a dusty old quim.
--- John Miller
When I can't get into the door
And past her inspection,
Without prompt detection
That I've spent the night with some whore.
--- John Miller
But not as you're thinking, quite.
This wavy hair falls
Right next to my balls,
Where she keeps it from tangling tight.
--- John Miller
And of life to be lived to the brim,
Who's willing to share
Whatever is there,
The concept "Belong" grows quite dim.
--- DAVID MILLER
And make me feel grand, like a king,
I'll gladly bestow
Whatever I grow
And my seed and a shiny brasss ring.
--- David Miller
Had our hero, not trusting his luck,
Pulled out just in time,
To spread all this slime
Or just had a Clintonesque fuck?
--- John Miller
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