If I had the time to be witty, Hey Malo! Malo! Are you there? I would think in these turbulent times, If there's one thing that I regret most, When asked to compose a wry ditty, These limericks often are crude, My summer vacation is due, You! Lying there on your butt! I'll lie way back here on my butt, You lie on your ass doing WHAT? Has somebody muzzled old Pete? There was an old man with a beard, Now that I've come back to the group, A poet named Heinrich Himmerlich Yes, I'm back. I've been gone quite an age; How long has it been, Do you know? It's a pleasant surprise when you flounce You want to get into my pants? Now listen here, Daun, you old cow, That Daun is a fat cow is true; Something is missing in here; Seems the limerick's completely obsessed us. There's nobody here -- where are you? I'm here in my workshop alone Sweet Jesus! What happened to Peter? Has he worn that poor thing to a nub? On tiring of dear, patient Bess Or was he alone in the tub, From here speculation is rife... I last posted on June 23rd, I'm sorry, dear C, but my muse is Perhaps it is caused by the lumpy Oh no! The aliens came
This is file imm
Well James, I'm afraid, now you're hooked; The authorities can't put a ban on What folly to fix home upon I really have plenty of time A Limerick I want to compose, As writers of limericks prolific, An American writer of verse There is not much to do in the sticks, So how 'bout the rest of you limerickers? As a writer of limericks naughty, Should you think we could never defend There was a young man said, "So what It's true that I've never been great, No curse, but a nasty disease; It is said there's a Limericker's curse 'Twas more than eight long years ago A limerick writer named Mickey A fellow from old Tennessee My question was really rhetorical, All these poems I have penned, If limericks were all that we said My poetical writing is rare, If you write just line one, you're a bum; If I'm deep in the woods and my meter Now, Arthur, don't get into a snit; With balls and holes and shafts, You know how to make my gear hard, All writers of limericks are nuts -- At limericks, I have ability; My work hours are strange, and I fear This is to writers like Amie, I'm probably wasting my time Laureates damn with a curse
I'd make all my Limericks pretty.
I'd sit in my chair
With my feet in the air,
And laugh at the folks in the city.
--- Billy
I know that you think I'm a square,
But Hey! What the Hell!
There's others as well;
Miss those lims with that great Malo flair.
--- John Miller
You would furnish some delicate rhymes
In your sweet flowing style
To help us all smile,
To verse like mellifluous chimes
--- John Miller
Then it's publishing just for the boast.
These poems you see
Are written for free;
There's never a check in the post.
--- Richard Long
All rhymers from country and city,
Every Susan and Dick
Came up with a trick
To write limericks nitty and gritty.
--- Tony Davie Collection
In fact, they can be rather rude.
To enjoy them, you see,
It is best you not be
Very modest, a saint, or a prude.
--- Cap'n Bean P0604
But this year I'm working it through,
For many a week.
Though I'll often-times peek,
I'll be adding much less to this stew.
--- Anon
Don't you have some good limericks to strut?
'Stead of quaffing a beer,
Try spreading good cheer,
Innuendo, sick humor, and smut!
--- John Miller
Watch Sue being reamed by her mutt,
While fingering Jen,
A Rhode Island hen,
And getting her stallion in rut.
--- Archie
Get right up and service that slut!
Chuck the dog in the street;
Insert your own meat;
Let Jen have the horse, me the butt.
--- John Miller
Is he broke and turned out on the street?
Is he short of apparel
And sweet girls like Carol,
Alone and with nothing to eat?
--- John Miller
Who was sober and sane it appeared;
'Til one day in his bed
He read verses by Ed-
Ward and now he's eccentric and weird.
--- Anon
My skills I must try to recoup.
Is the love of my pen
After whom I still yen,
Still here to put up with my poop?
--- Anon
Finally published a limerick.
His maniacal chortle
Proclaimed "I'm immortal!"
But alas, his renown was ephemeric.
--- Cyber Geezer
My server is lacking this page.
And google was tough
To read offline enough,
But we've fixed it, now I'm back on the stage.
--- Tobias
Since I last posted lims here to show
My incredible wit;
(Don't believe it a bit,)
Just where did the months and years go?
--- David S
Back in, and I'll happily pounce
On the flimsiest chance
To get in your pants,
And answer you "Yes!" on both counts.
--- John Miller
I'd love to see that song and dance.
You'd wriggle and squeeze,
Then pant and say "Please!
Your zipper is biting my lance!"
--- Marlene Lewis
I don't need your help to know how
To get filthy rich,
You old spamming bitch.
Go off, dear, and hang yourself now.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She's just like the one's that you screw;
But you should have known
When she never phoned;
And after you fucked her, she'd moo.
--- David Miller
Why doesn't our Tony appear?
Has something gone wrong
With his kitty kat farm
Or worse. He's been missing all year.
--- Nawahl
Soon the poetry police will arrest us --
For to take such delight
In the nonsense we write,
It borders on downright incest'ous.
--- Mary Sullivan
There used to be lots -- now there's two.
Yo! Limmers come out!
Or I'm going to pout!
I'll hold my breath till I turn blue.
--- Marlene Lewis
Just working away, as I'm prone
To do as a bard;
On something that's hard;
I'm working my hands to the bone!
--- Travis Brasell
His dick, he has said, spanned a meter --
Could it be that his trunk
Has shriveled and shrunk,
While his tongue grew, the better to eat her?
--- John Miller
Is the head there, or only the stub,
Laid bloody and bare
By rough pubic hair,
More suited to pots that you scrub?
--- John Miller
And hoping for less of a mess,
Did he seek 'midst the coral
Some solace more oral
And sharks leave him sporting much less?
--- John Miller
Just giving his member a rub,
When the bulk of his pole
Escaped down the hole,
While inducing a major hubbub?
--- John Miller
Did that penis fall prey to Pete's wife?
Or a sexual disease,
Of, if you please,
A Mohel with a very sharp knife?
--- John Miller
Re: Lims are Gay (final word).
There's only once since
From Clary (Lims' Prince)
Did aliens abduct the whole herd?
--- C Anton
Off on the beer and refuses
To help me to scribble.
My flood's now a dribble,
Of painfully passed limerick juices.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Ejections that come from your rumpy,
Since you gave up drinking,
That evilly stinking
Pale liquid that's sold off as scrumpy.
--- Archie
And made all of your limericks lame.
Don't care 'bout ejections
Or even erections.
Don't try to give Tiddy the blame!
--- Marlene Lewis
Your goose, as they say, is now cooked.
Addictive, this junk,
More than crack, hash or skunk,
I'm sorry to say that you're fooked.
That incontinent scribbler, Anon:
He's rudely demotic,
Lewd, coarse and erotic,
And has written nine-tenths of the canon.
--- Eva Amata
These verses to carry fame on!
Whether crafted with ill
Or with consumate skill,
They will all be ascribed to Anon.
--- Laurence Perrine P8505
To make all my writing sublime.
I cannot ignore
That I'm just eighty-four,
And I'm swiftly approaching my PRIME.
--- Billy
With letters all in straight rows.
It should be quite brief
To avoid any grief,
Unlike most of my prose.
--- Anon
We strive to be more than specific.
Deft use of the rhyme
And a good paradigm,
Often results as horrific.
--- The Sailor P0306
Wrote limericks vulgar and terse.
Said his victims, who groaned
And unceasingly moaned,
"At leaast it can not get much worse..."
--- Alastair Thompson
Except screw all the time just like hicks.
So for a change of pace
And to obtain some grace,
I thought I'd try to write limericks.
--- Anon
Are you out in the stickers?
On some big farm?
(Tell - there's no harm)
Or mostly just city slickers?
--- Anon
(I've penned about thirty or forty.)
It's much harder, old bean,
To write squeaky clean;
That's what my experience taught me.
--- Lim E Rick
These effusions, collected and penned,
As we bid you adieu,
We could say -- shame on you
To have followed us through to the end.
--- Hugh Oliver A140D
If some of my rhymes ain't so hot?
If the scanning arrived at
Is somewhat contrived at,
I'd still rather write them than not."
--- Richard Long
But to quote other limmers, "Irate!"
I could post a few
If y'all wanted me to,
And your payments were all up to date.
Ten times worse than a cough or a sneeze.
It's an awful affliction;
A dreadful addiction
Which makes me write verses like these.
--- Anon
That takes such a pleasure perverse
In our piteous plight,
As we frenziedly fight,
But can now only make matters verse.
--- Anon
That the Mad Poet, whom you know
Hid behind the name Anon,
Since revealed as D Tilson,
Stepped forth on journey far to go
Was guzzling his 15th lime rickey.
It gave him the traction
To spring into action
Whenever the last line got sticky.
--- Oberober
Enjoyed limericks and all poetry;
While verses he made,
He was truly dismayed
At how hard this really could be!
--- Anon
My interest is less than historical:
Is Donald McGill
Into white rabbits still
Or ladies more hotly clitorical?
Each shares a nice common trend.
For some at the start
May appear to be art,
But they all go downhill at the end.
--- Richard Long
And limericks were all that we read,
What a world it would be
For people like me,
With rhyming entrenched in their head.
--- Bob Leclerc
And I'm now in the throes of despair.
But now and again,
Like the rain down in Spain,
A limerick falls from the air!
--- Little John T9801
Two lines and you get a ho-hum.
Three lines are still bad,
And with four you're a cad,
But five gets you plaudits from some.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0015
Is off, or my rhyme could be sweeter,
Should I feel any guilt
For the lim I have built,
Or forget it and play with my peter?
--- Anon
After two years, I've decided to quit.
I gave limericks a run;
It's been lots of fun;
Now I just plain don't give a shit.
--- Tom Ratliff P0410
A master of the this craft
Of limerickese
Should find it no tease,
To give us all a good laugh.
--- Anon
You saucy poetical bard.
Your words cause a movement
I see as improvement;
Give inches and you'll make a yard.
--- Anon
On this there are no ifs or buts.
It's really no fun
For it's usually done
With no brains -- but you've got to have guts.
--- Neal Wilgus P8505
I say that with greatest humility.
But I won't knock on wood
If you say they're no good,
And the whole thing is just one big sillity.
--- Chairman Steve
That lack of sleep makes it hard to appear.
More often than not
I find I forgot
The thoughts I was going to post here!
--- Chris Anton
Who quoted me, but did not name me.
I'm flattered, of course,
But mention your source --
If not, I might force you to pay me.
--- O V Michaelsen P9811
Perfecting a limerick's rhyme.
It's better to give them
Immaculate rhythm,
For then they can reach the sublime.
--- Larry Dahl
The lecherous limerick verse.
But my pen can't refuse
That lewd little muse;
I'll double-entendre in my hearse.
--- Bruce Thompson