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I once had a neighbour called Victor, A clumsy young curate from Bristol I hope that you're not hurting women; A seedy old gardener named Bertie There was a young woman whose stammer With a bibulous Byronic leer, There once was a jovial young sport, Screamed a muscular housewife named Beth, (FDS - feminine deoderant spray)
Willie, the son of a brewer, All children recall grandma Keats, (Fleet's - packaged enema)
There was a fishmonger of Ferring While driving, a fellow named Bonctor There once was an old maid from Stow He awoke with a hangover feral, A man by the name of Geneen You accuse me of serious libel, And that catamite whiner named Pete, Tell Granny to look o'er her shoulder; Your 'hood's, as I said, atavistic Don't get realistic, I say. I think that you have a fixation "Get out, you bastard!" she said, When I asked, as my cranium bled, A quarrelsome young bruiser named Galt There was a poor girl named Helena An urchin was making mud pies Oh Daddy! I can't walk around, One thing you forgot to do Confessed felon, one Hiram Q. Gault A drinker who went on a bender A feeble young moron was Carter The limerick that ruined my life Ken Slaby must wish he was dead. (Actual case in Westmoreland County, PA, 2005)
Ken's penis she stuck to his gut, A gentle old man from Montrose While the plumber was cleaning my drains, There once was a boy named Jack Said a girl who upon her divan There was a young lady of Leeds There once was a woman from Surrey, Jack the Ripper's grandmother they view A funny old geezer from Ellet When whatnots are hacked off and tacked up, Sir Charles, a pompous old Briton, There was a young fellow named Kipps, When I said that she had a great face, When they asked a young fellow named Case My faux pas to you I'll now confide. There was a young broker called Scott; A young shipping clerk from Port Said There was a young lady named Dale; There was young lady named White, There was an old man of Savannah, A man who was heavy as lead A loan-shark enforcer, Delray, Be livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, Fat Benny was working his charm Which of course, was the one on the right, Pity the bag-lady from Uttoxeter, Of course you don't French Kiss a chicken. A curious fellow called Lamb I was rational once -- a bit lazy; A sceptic alone in her bed She stood on the bridge at midnight; Born under the sign of Aquarius While in Mensa, I broke my mainspring,
Who assaulted his wife; in fact, kicked her.
When arrested he cried,
That he wished she had died.
Took out a gun, shot at, but nicked her!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Shot the vicar's pet dog with a pistol.
"It's never too late,"
Said the irate prelate,
"Just SPAM up the hole with a fistful."
--- Mike O'Conner
If you were, I'd be doing some trimmin'
Of parts you don't need,
(Like those with which you peed)
And with the old sharks you'd be swimmin'.
--- Kaylin
Pinched a young girl who got shirty.
She picked up the shears
And cut off his ears,
Which needless to say, were quite dirty.
--- Funfax Limericks
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
But they were not improved
When her husband was moved
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
--- Edward Gorey
He flung her downstairs on her ear,
And kept her confined
Till she went semi-blind,
And her brain, it would seem, slipped a gear.
--- Beelzebub
Who would always cry, "Pass out the Port!"
One day he got sloshed;
His wife was found coshed;
He woke up in Bosher Street Court.
--- Anon
As she choked her poor husband to death:
"I've never found lipstick
Adorning your dipstick,
But that's sure FDS on your breath!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Saw a girl and he thought that he'd screw her;
He lifted his cock,
She gave him a sock,
And he lit with his ear in the sewer.
--- Ed Potts P8710
Not for kisses or bringing them sweets,
But for nights of distress
When she made them undress
And went after them with her "Fleet's!"
--- Vassar W Smith P9309
Whose conduct was bumptious and daring.
On the ear, with a kipper,
He hit me a bipper,
And now I am quite hard of herring.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Observed a young lady and honked her.
But she failed to respond
To this gay vagabond,
So he came and he saw and he conked her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2456
Who kept me outdoors on the go;
One clear balmy night,
I then struck her right:
I hit her on her nose with a hoe.
--- Limber Limericks
And was groaning with care when his deral
Lady came in
With a hideous grin,
And belted him one in the eral.
--- Martin Guy
Was asked by his wife where he'd been.
He hemmed and he hawwed,
So she hit him, quite hard
On the head, with a large soup tureen.
--- Michael Palin
Yet your 'hood is quite close, being tribal.
Just surrealistic
Are your lims Chauvanistic...
I'll swear to my own on a Bible.
--- TuttaGioia
Who's yet to be weaned from the teat,
Went crying to daddy,
An IQ-less Paddy,
Now jailed on a rap he can't beat.
--- TuttaGioia
The D.A. has gotten much bolder.
There'll soon be a trial,
Then Hubby will smile,
When they toss her in jail, there to moulder.
--- TuttaGioia
And the people therein, hedonistic.
"Packing a blade?
Gays getting laid?
Harvest Home! Oh Please! Get realistic!"
--- TuttaGioia
Just take flights of fancy all day.
When I write limericks,
I do it for kicks,
Besides, realism's passe.
--- Marlene
On wickedness in all creation.
You look at what's real
And know why we feel:
We don't want "Californication."
--- Marlene
While flinging china at my head.
Eyes wild with hate,
She missed my pate,
And hit my crotch instead.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"Mister, why are you hitting my head?"
He said, "Ain't got the heart
For the testicle part,
So I'm beating your brains out instead."
--- Rory Ewins
Is up on a charge of assault.
But this guy, he insists,
Ran straight into his fists;
So clearly it wasn't his fault.
--- Armand Singer
Whose boyfriend could not be insaner.
It was one of his whims
To cut off her limbs,
To make her fit in a container.
--- Chris Young
That seemed rather large for his size;
When I asked, "Are they fun?"
He hit me with one,
Exclaiming, "Here's mud in your eyes!"
--- Lims Unlimited
For in circles I go round and round."
And my Daddy said, "Lad,
Just be fucking well glad,
I've not nailed both feet to the ground.
--- Peter Wilkins
Was nail a hand to ground, too.
Then without stopping
The flipping and flopping,
We'll laugh while his face turns blue.
--- Arden
Used a skillet in deadly assault.
After his wild attack
Returned skillet to rack.*
He was known to be neat to a fault.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0409
Drank so much he lost track of his gender.
His girl was so pissed
At the screwing she'd missed,
She disposed of his nose in the blender
--- Neal Wilgus P8302
And his brains were dashed out by a Tartar.
With incredible pains
They assembled his brains;
He recovered to be a lot smarter.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2490
Is the one I wrote on my wife.
I etched it in acid
Not far from Lace Placid.
She soon got revenge with a knife.
--- Neal Wilgus P8301
Gail O'Toole nail-polished his head;
And glued his crack shut,
His nuts to his butt,
And next will use a nail-gun instead.
--- David Miller
This is file hlm
Then glued his big fat bum-crack shut;
It could have been worse
And was for the nurse,
Who peeled all the glue off his butt.
--- David Miller
Had hundreds of friends and no foes,
But one day a group
Found him out on his stoop,
And gave him three pokes on the nose.
--- Limber Limericks
He showed off his undies by Hanes.
I went to caress him
And then to undress him,
But got a black eye for my pains.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who sat himself down on a tack.
He quickly did rise
With tears in his eyes,
And went running home to his shack!
--- Mehitable TP9804
Was attacked by a virile young man:
"Such excess of passion
Is quite out of fashion",
And she fractured his arm with her fan.
--- Edward Gorey
Who was constantly doing good deeds.
She bit her young brother,
And said to her mother,
"I'll bind up the wound if it bleeds."
--- Graham Lester
Tried to kill her man with some curry.
The rat poison dice
Cooked in with the rice,
Slurred his speech and made his sight blurry.
--- Annie Jay
As having been unbalanced too.
For in restrooms she'd lurk
To stab folks with a dirk--
An old woman who shivved in a loo.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410
Used to shoot at the chicks with a pellet.
If he happened to hit a bum or a tit,
They'd squeal a bit and throw quite a fit.
But they liked it, or so he would tell it.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
It's best if the hackee was packed up,
So he could be leaving,
Instead of just grieving,
And thinking he should of just backed up.
--- Anon
Worked quietly in Lytton.
When one day he did strike,
A big ugly dyke,
Since then he has been quite smitten.
--- Anon
Who was known for his insolent quips.
But a boxer one day
Let the guy have his say,
Then gave him a pair of split lips.
--- Warrick Elrod
And I managed a torrid embrace,
She said, "We've never met!"
And she got quite upset,
And that's when she sprayed me with Mace!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Why he had such a large lump on his face,
He replied, "Just my luck
While at Nice to be struck
By the beauty," he said, "of the place."
--- A N Wilkins P8405
Their bright neon sign lured me inside.
I wished merely to camp
'Neath their sun tanning lamp,
But they seized me and then tanned my hide.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0103
One day, at his work, he was shot.
His assailant confessed
At the time of arrest,
It was part of a terrorist plot.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Was found with his arms and legs tied,
Inside an old trunk
That belonged to a monk,
To whom, for advice, he'd applied.
--- Michael Palin
In appearance she's terribly frail.
An impression deceptive;
It is imperceptive.
For assault she has spent time in jail.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Found herself in a terrible plight.
A mucker named Tucker,
Had struck her, the fucker,
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!
--- L1232
Who played on an upright pianna.
He strummed songs of love
To the moon up above,
Till his wife knocked him out with a spanner.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Would sleep in a big concrete bed.
To wake him at morning,
His wife, without warning,
Would drop a flat-iron on his head.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Had ways to make his clients pay.
With words that we know
As McDonald's Motto:
You deserve a break today.
--- Thomas Patton P9601
Qui fit un petit mannequin:
Sans bras it tout noir,
Il etait affreux voir;
En effet, absolument la fin.
--- Edward Gorey
Who fashioned a small doll;
Without arms and all black
It was a horrible sight;
In effect, the absolute end.
--- Edward Gorey P8708
On a pretty young girl from the farm.
She said, "Lose some weight,
Then we'll go on a date."
So he chopped off his heaviest arm.
--- Loz
And she ran off screaming in fright.
Now he's doubly stuffed:
He gathered no muff,
And left nothing to wank with at night.
--- Loz
Where winos wave their vile cocks at her.
Life has undone her,
The town-folk all shun her,
And street urchins boldly throw rocks at her.
--- John K Roberts P9212
Hot Sauce? You don't stick your dick in.
If you sit long enough
Contemplating such stuff,
Your brain will rapidly sicken.
--- John Chastaine
Used to shout things at old tins of Spam
Like, "You silly old tin!" "
Then he move on and rubbished the jam.
--- Michael Palin
Now my mind is all muddled and hazy,
For last month I kissed
My Psychiatrist,
And now he is driving me crazy.
--- Laurence Perrine P8503
Was haunted by half of a head.
But her reason gave way
When she found out next day
That its owner was not very dead!
--- Beelzebub
Her legs were all a-quiver.
She gave a cough,
Her legs fell off,
And floated down the river.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Is Ian, his personalities various.
I hold them all dear,
But confess, it's quite clear
The ones I like best are nefarious.
--- Cheryl
And I cannot remember a thing.
It was all quite a blow,
And I want you to know,
A mind is a terrible thing.
--- Al Willis
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