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There was a young fellow named Shear,
Who stuck a ballpoint in his ear.
When he punctured the drum,
He said, "That hurts some,
But the rest of the way through, is clear."
--- John Ciardi

An unpopular youth of Cologne,
With a pain in his stomach did moan.
He heaved a great sigh,
And said, "I would die,
But the loss would be only my own."
--- Anon

A curious old person of Hythe,
Amputated his nose with a scythe,
That he might ascertain
If he'd writhe with the pain,
Then yelled, "I undoubtedly writhe!"
--- Langford Reed

Under gas lamps diffused by the mist,
A gravestone in London she kissed,
Then she peered to the sky
As she hollered, "God, Why?"
And she buried a knife in her wrist.
--- Cap'n Bean P0501

There was a young man called Owen,
Who had to keep goin' and goin'.
Psychiatrists said
Being dropped on his head
Had caused all the toin' and froin'.
--- Michael Palin

An Aussie wench diddled in Sydney
Insists my poke loosened her kidney.
But the duckie's all wrong,
My boom ain't that long...
A another guy did the deed, didn't he?
--- Grand Prix Lim 343 P8504

"When the bannister broke, it was sad,
For our fractures were all pretty bad,
But despite all that mess,
It was, I confess,
The best orgasm I've ever had."
--- A N Wilkins P8507

This evening I said to her, "Skip all
The foreplay and give me your nipple.
Now open your thigns.
We'll try some advice."
But I buggered me back; I'm a cripple!
--- Peter Wilkins

There was a young lady named Miller,
Not a man in the navy could fill 'er.
She was tied to the stern,
When the wheel took a turn,
And was near fucked to death by the tiller.
--- G0698

"I'm crippled," said Jane from her chair,
"From an ill-conceived bout on the stair;
Though in mid-air I came,
The fall left me lame;
My husband's the man from St. Claire."
--- Ed Potts P8507

There once was a amorous WAC
Who wanted a prick in her crack.
She met up with a jerk
Who made her do the work--
The result was a crick in her back.
--- G0219

"Your bumps," said phrenologist Jane,
"Are easy enough to explain.
Your bed is too short in,
(I suspect), to cavort in.
You've dented the headboard again."
--- Peter Wilkins

Explaining a gash on his head,
"I was fucking dog fashion," he said;
"When, with consummate cunning,
My gal started runnin,
And dragged us both under the bed."
--- G2022

An OHSA Inspector named Bert
With an oversize lady did flirt.
He got on for a lay,
But her violent display
Made him fall off the bitch and get hurt.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1949

"My Lord" said the wench to her master,
"In this sawmill, you've never gone faster.
But my dear, I'm afraid
If they turn on the blade,
It will cause a big fucking dis-assed-er!"
--- Poet Lariat

I sprinted through many a patch
Of peas after boffin' Nel's snatch;
For I've learnt, alas,
That my scarred old ass
For Farmer Brown's gun ain't no match!
--- Anon

There was a young man of Rostov
Who found it a risk to make love.
He had grown very fond
Of a statuesque blonde,
And was hurt when he slipped and fell off.
--- Isaac Asimov P9402

The lewdest of voyeurs named Max,
While watching two sex maniacs,
With cock all bespattered
Had his optic nerve shattered,
As they all had their thousandth climax.
--- G0694

Old pyromaniacal Olin
Singed the butt of a whore he was rollin';
Much later, she cursed,
"You should lick the burn first--
Not after the whore's ass is swollen!"
--- Norm Storer P9111

To avoid matrimonial disasters,
Young couples buy Johnson amd Masters,
But trying new angles,
They get in such tangles,
They end up in splints and in plasters.
--- Martin Fagg

A great one for dates was Miss Thatcher
And many young fellows did snatch her.
As a matter of fact
She was scarcely intact,
And the next one in line had to patch her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0769

To lie to his wife would be smarter;
Explanation would be so much harder,
Because Sam cannot speak
To the scratch on his cheek,
That was caused by his girlfriend's steel garter.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0501

Just after disrobing, Miss Hoff,
Her wig and her dentures she'd doff;
Her glass eye undo,
Her pegleg unscrew,
And then she would screw her head off.
--- Irving Superior P8312

A careless young fellow named Kline
Was fucking a whore serpentine.
In the midst of her throes,
She bit off his nose.
He thanked God it was not sixty-nine.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1802A

There was a young man from Madras,
Who fucked a young girl in the grass.
But the hot Spanish sun
Spoiled half his fun
By burning the skin on his ass.
--- Henry Mucha

Tonight I will turn the clock back,
To get extra time in the sack.
The thought is quite chilling,
The wife might be willing...
I hope I don't throw out my back.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I'm feeling quite rough, I confess;
In work everything is a mess.
'Bout my leave I got cross
And I yelled at the boss!
I've screwed everything up -- more or less!
--- Anon

Is your boss related to mine?
He's such a jerk all the time.
Can't wait to retire
Before I expire,
And turn into jelly and slime...
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An assistant C.E.O. called Jan,
Was always left holding the can.
When it came to promotion,
This raised a commotion.
He was listed as an also-ran.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was a young worker named Sean,
Who at his work does nothing but yawn.
The foreman said, "My lord,
If you're easily bored,
I'll make you sorry that you were born!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy

If it's done and it's right, never fear
'Cause it's fine and the buck stops right here.
But if it's a loss,
And it's wrong, it's the boss
Who's at fault, let me make that quite clear.
--- Joe Guerin A

There once was a fellow called Jackson,
Who was brilliant at loafing and relaxing.
But it was a great loss
For his everyday boss
Was even better at firing and axing!
--- Prof M-G T9710

So you like to lurk in the dark,
And write little lims as a lark.
But get back to work,
As the boss is a jerk,
Who suppresses your creative spark.
--- Funny Bone

This is file hkm

We cannot stand many more losses.
Our charts will soon look just like Ross'.
We've downsized our crew;
Our bills are past due;
We'll have to get rid of the bosses!
--- Al Willis P9612

Whenever two companies merge
Down-sizing will also emerge.
AKA head chopping;
AKA name dropping:
By Stalin and doctors called "Purge."
--- Irving Superior P9507

"If they're getting too old, let's retire some.
And if they won't go, let's fire some."
"But we can't cut and run,
The work won't be done."
"If we need personnel, just hire some."
--- Al Willis T9710

While he worked on the job, Mr. Wheeling
Held his head toward the sky with great feeling.
When his boss asked him why,
He was facing the sky,
He replied, "I'm inspecting the ceiling."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2834

A young sports fanatic from Breague,
While watching the champion league,
Sent his boss a brief note
That he had a sore throat,
And a mild case of combat fatigue.
--- Rudolf Ammann

My boss, he is wholly devoted
To work and today was promoted
To a new position.
But there is a suspicion
He got it by being deep-throated.
--- Carol

Often late, my boss still blows his horn;
About timeliness, us he would warn.
Let's say: rank has its perc;
The old boy comes to work
From a different direction each morn.
--- Allen Wolverton

One morning just before eight,
I phoned work to say I'd be late.
"Your loss is my gain,"
Said my boss with disdain.
"I'm holding back half your payrate."
--- Jeff Bagley

Our Chairman gets data from spies.
He'll make up stuff and tell us lies.
His Thursday reports
Can just eat my shorts,
With mayo and mustard and flies.
--- Anon

There was a young newsman named Wes,
Whose boss he did try to impress.
He would cover a story,
If he thought it meant glory.
The editor could not have cared less.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Maybe the bosses are related;
They're certainly all overrated.
A masochist am I;
I've worked for this guy,
For fifteen years and I hate it.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

It's hard to find good men and hire 'em;
It seems that all work will soon tire 'em.
And their work they will shirk
While the coffee does perk --
You no longer can threaten or fire 'em.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2617

Arthur Deex, I am making a plea,
Mail The Pentatette quick as can be.
The subscription expired,
And I'm about to be fired
From the job I've done forty years - for free.
--- Susan Hall P0112

There was a young typist of Ross
Who drew a crude sketch of the boss.
And the very next day
She drew her last pay,
But they reckoned she wasn't much loss.
--- John Blyth

The Boss with some hormone control
Sees things are now taking their toll
Decides to clean house,
But doesn't DELOUSE.
Lawyers stay, it's staff heads that roll.
--- Anon

I am wondering why there's such a delay,
Getting my employment tribunal underway.
The forms I've filled in,
And I've a good chance to win;
It's my job back, that I want right away.
--- Anon

There was a young fellow named Strudel;
All day long at his job he did doodle.
Without help from his boss,
He would be a big loss,
And he followed him 'round like a poodle.
--- Albin Chaplin Appeal 1918

At my work I worked with young Bob,
We talked quite a lot on the job.
The boss cared not for talk;
Told us to take a walk;
On the dole, with no jobs, we hob-nob.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

I once knew a girl from Wisconsin
Who poured lighter fluid by Ronson
All over her boss,
Because she was cross
And wanted control of his Johnson.
--- Travis Brasell

She's the chief clerk at Bloomingdale's stores;
She calls all the other girls bores.
The guys think she's dandy;
In her desk she keeps candy,
And the guys all get into her drawers.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

Insubordination
Is lack of dedication
Upon a scale
That cannot fail
To end in liquidation.
--- Lims Unlimited

One day I will strangle my boss;
Cut him up into pieces and toss
Him a bit at a time,
Into pits full of lime...
Ah, that's better; I'm feeling less cross.
--- Anon

He screwed up the clerk and her life
And then he went home to his wife.
These lawyers don't care
About an affair.
The staff has to deal with the strife.
--- Anon

I'd much rather not work, Just stall.
I wish that the system would fall,
And hit with a crash
Then I could get cash,
For just doing nothing at all.
--- Anon

Employers have all of the jobs;
Without them, well we are just yobs.
They hold them all tight,
'Cause they love the sight
Of pleading reduced down to sobs.
--- Archie

A break I'm now taking from work;
A welcome, if minuscule, perk;
And though pre-arranged
Seems the boss is deranged;
He's just mailed me some work, stupid jerk.
--- Anon

I can't stand this working anymore;
It isn't any fun -- it's a bore.
Another dollar today;
That's how little they pay;
I need combat wage for this chore!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

No fooling at work? Such a loss!
It's clear that you need a new boss.
No play and all work
Would drive me berserk.
My drill bits should not "gather moss."
--- Marlene Lewis

To work for the boss has it's use;
It gives me the cash to buy juice,
So I can ease cares,
Perhaps lay some snares
For one who I'd like to seduce.
--- Anon

Oh sod it. My boss, unforgivin',
Expects me to work for a livin'.
Each night and each day
With no respite for play;
And to edges of madness I'm driven.
--- Anon

Some men will endure all the stress
To climb to the heights of success.
But on reaching the pinnacle,
You will find they turn cynical --
There is nobody left to impress.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2806

I can't read his mind, it's too small;
I can't understand him at all.
I'll give you the scoop:
The boss is a poop
Besides which he's not very tall!
--- Marlene

I should have been working away
But the project's been cancelled today.
Should the boss still expect
Me to work, in effect,
I shall tell him quite bluntly, "No way!"
--- Peter Wilkins


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