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All hail to the female sublime, Wondrous mixture of pepper and salt, Charming lady to whom hats are doffed, Fierce lioness protecting her young, Midst the perfume of Chinese jasmine, In Crewe I attended a function Reminds me of Josie's in Stockton, This I learned about the birds and bees: You give all us girls a bad name, There was a young girl with a bust, The real reason she kicked up dust, A hearty young gent came from Stow This bade ill for the brave gent from Stow, The frigid old Duchess of Gloucester There was a young lady from Dumfries, A frigid young maiden carefree This year's resolutions will cover During foreplay, a woman from Courtice Said the madam to salesman McNish, A frigid young lady named Bryce Observed an old lady named Dee, I know a young belle from Bordeaux While having with his wife, coition, From hopping 'round in their undies, A girl whose appeal was facial, An arctic explorer named Flo, A pretentious young fellow from Brandon At bedtime, the fat Sultan said, The frigid old Duchess named Foster, When the men saw a maiden in Exeter My boyfriend thinks he's such a stud, A timid young farmgirl of Yea She was young, she was pert, she was blond; Sat next to an old crone at lunch; A millionaire down in Drake Lady F. is a frigid gold-digger, There was an old codger named Snook Though a charming young lady named Vi She was fat, middle-aged, carrot-topped, Now Lisa's an experienced crowd tease; A quick-witted lassie named Pleasance A woman most gorgeously stacked A haughty young lady from Butte She was old, she was drab, and brunette; My sister, she looks like a saint, There once was a man from Batavia, While shopping, the old master bard Spending's her favorite past-time, Shopping gets here in the mood, Beware of the Gold digger clan; Reminds me of Anna Nicole, Firm and full in his pants (she HAD checked) So honey, how was your day? Dear sweetheart on Valentine's Day, Television for better or worse: There was a sharecropper named Hopper A keen stamp collector is Natalie. "It's my manhood she envied," he thought, Softly seductive young Brenda If you want to win my heart, There was a young girl of Pretoria, A chatty young film star named Jo Although he was feeble and doddering, There was a young lady named Garrett A pregnant gold digger named Diener, "Of course I won't charge you," said she, Sweet Francoise worked as a chanteuse,
Timeless beauty beyond her springtime;
We salute the fair sex,
And her ways that perplex,
Subtle mystery exalted in rhyme.
--- Joel D Ash P0204
Brown doe eyes and bluest cobalt;
Often weak, often strong,
Queen of sweet siren song,
Treasured deep in her partner's heart vault.
--- Joel D Ash P0204
With virtues that man holds aloft;
Her favors oft sought,
Delight when she's caught,
Womanhood so curvaceous and soft.
--- Joel D Ash P0204
With moments she waxes high strung;
Don't mess with her then,
More than equal of men,
Heroine of whom ballads are sung.
--- Joel D Ash P0204
Perfect balance of yang and the yin;
The earth seen maternal,
Shy maiden eternal,
Night dreams of an old mandarin.
--- Joel D Ash P0204
Not far from the old railway junction,
But found me a lass
That had little class,
And even had lesser compunction.
--- SFA
A sex factory. Once I had clocked on,
Then Josie gave you,
A two minute screw.
Then clamped her legs and never focked on.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A woman always should try to please
Her sweet lover-man
Anyway that she can,
Cheri, it's just not right to tease.
--- Anon
When you play that kind of game --
But when you treat 'em good,
(The way that you should!)
You'll find that they'll treat you the same!
--- Anon
Who knew way too much about lust.
She would go for a walk
And then go and stalk
Some poor guy who gave her his trust.
--- Anon
And stalked those poor guys in disgust,
Was that she was mad
Because every lad
Gave "trust" -- but would not her twat THRUST!
--- Anon
To woo a young lass in the snow.
In the midst of their bliss,
She needed to piss.
That's rough when it's twenty below.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And his further existence was woe.
Though he made her his wife,
She was frigid for life.
Love is tough when it's zero below.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Once hired a gigolo named Foster.
She was fucked by this pro
Seven weeks in a row--
It took nearly a month to defrost her.
--- G1797
Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
My navel's all bare,
So stick it in there,
Before my legs and my bum freeze."
--- Anon
Makes love on her outdoor settee.
In winter or fall
There's plenty for all
And her plumbing is always frost-free.
--- The Sailor P0307
The deep feelings I have for my lover.
If she refuses to fuck
On my terrace -- bad luck --
I'll still give her a kiss...Then I'll shove her!
--- Writerman
Would arouse with the speed of a tortoise.
Her coital condition
Before intromission,
Was very much like rigor mortis.
--- Alex Heydon
"You can choose from my girls, if you wish."
But the salesman replied,
"How I miss my dear bride!
Have you got something cold as a fish?"
--- Albin Chaplin
Thought sex just a low form of vice,
Till she met Captain Baker,
Who had sailed an icebreaker,
And he plowed a wide path through her ice.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0537
"My man's become dead as can be;
In the sexual arts,
He's got no moving parts --
At least they no longer move me."
--- Armand E Singer 731a
Whose passions are froid and not chaud;
An organ that's hot
Would shrivel her twat--
And icicle's more a propos.
--- Norm Storer
The hubby jumped up with cognition.
And he cried, "Oh my dear,
I have hurt you I fear,
For I felt a slight change in position."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0090
You'd think that these ladies would freeze.
The men think they're hot
But really they're not.
I know because I saw one sneeze.
--- Anon
When jilted, thought it was racial.
But he never ran
Because of her tan.
The truth: In bed she was glacial.
--- Paul Westwood P9607
When endangered said, "Go with the flow."
That she clung to this creed
Was what helped her succeed
In surviving, shipwrecked, on a floe.
--- John Sandler P9112
Thought ceremony nothing to stand on.
But the girl he accosted
Remarked, somewhat frosted,
"Take your hand off what you got your hand on."
--- Hugh Oliver 81aa
"This tail-picking session I dread...
Though I know some are not,
They all try to look hot,
And I end up with a cold one, instead."
--- Grand Prix Lim 77
Was fucked by the Grand Duke of Gloucester.
She was fucked by this pro
For ten weeks in a row,
As it took all that time to defrost her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2057
They stopped and adjusted their specs at her.
But the maiden was cold
And so Puritan-souled,
That the men only took a few pecks at her.
--- Lims Unlimited
He really is such a crud.
If his ardor's not cool,
He'll be tossed in the pool,
And that ought to nip that in the bud!
--- Ardens
Was too shy to pet in the hay.
When a youth asked her out,
She was silent with doubt,
And couldn't say yea, stay or nay.
--- Robust Ribald Rude P9703
I thought she'd be easily conned
Into giving me head,
But found out instead,
She'd used all my dough to abscond.
--- Anon
This is file fll
She mashed with her gums a whole bunch.
She kissed the young waiter
Who wanted to date her.
He's after her money...my hunch!
--- Travis Brasell
Was adding up all of his take:
Three chambermaids
In bows and braids,
And all were on the make.
--- Limber Limericks
Who suffers from 'mortis de rigor'.
So cold she scares mice,
Her sucking on ice,
Doesn't melt the cube, but makes it bigger.
--- Chumly A
Who fell for a woman named Zook;
He showered his honey
With barrels of money,
And of course, in the end he was took.
--- Alsops Foibles
Appeared to be terribly shy,
Her boyfriends all state
When she breaks a date,
It's by going out with the guy.
--- A N Wilkins P8405
But into her bed still I hopped.
Woke after that night,
To find she'd took flight,
And tissues for banknotes she'd swapped.
--- Anon
She covers her curves and her knees.
If you want to see more,
Best be rich and not poor,
'Cause diamonds and pearls are what please.
--- Anon
Found men were aroused by her presence;
A trait she parlayed
Into rich stock-in-trade.
She wears diamonds and dines upon pheasants.
--- John E Maywood
Thought screwing a glorious act.
So for finding a niche
For those who were rich,
She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked.
--- Isaac Asimov
Thought herself excessively cute.
She tossed her blonde curls
In disdain at the girls,
And followed the man with the loot.
--- Marteena Hammar P9302
I thought she was all I could get.
She gave me a hickey,
Then, slipped me a mickey,
Disappeared, and left me deep in debt.
--- Anon
But I tell you now that she ain't.
She's a sly scheming bitch,
Just with blokes who are rich;
Guess the color the town she will paint.
--- Funny Bone
Who said to his girl, "I'm a slave to ya'!"
Now this was no joke;
In a month he was broke,
So he went home to Mom in Centralia.
--- Sahollar TP9804
Caught her eye as he strolled passed her yard.
She just had to know him,
But it wasn't his poem,
'Twas the glint of his Gold Mastercard.
--- Mark Jordan
As long's what she's spending is mine.
I get screwed each day
In more than one way,
And I also enjoy 69.
--- Gearhart
To do things improper and crude.
But, alas, all my cash
Is leaving me fast
And soon she'll be leaving me too.
--- Gearhart
Their women have only one plan.
Like the mantis they prey
On funds 'til the day
When your credit's not worth a damn.
--- Gearhart
Whose husband is dead, rest his soul;
She was a young stripper;
He was an old tipper:
Left her billions for shining his pole!
--- Travis Brasell
Bulged the object she yearned to inspect.
So her hand slipped inside
To caressingly slide,
Out his...wallet. What did you expect?
--- Anon
And now give me all of your pay,
As I have to go shopping,
The floor needs mopping,
So have fun while I am away.
--- Funny Bone
Thanks for the card and bouquet.
Oh, and the ring,
(Can't forget that thing)
It's gold, but how many k?
--- Patty P
Multi-millionaire weds a nurse.
But their honeymoon cruise
Couldn't light any fuse,
So she keeps her love, he his purse.
--- Prof M-G
Who had a nice wife but did swap her
For a sexy show-stopper,
Whose attire was improper,
And she left poor old Hopper a pauper.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2619
Acquaintances speculate cattily,
"Most covetous girls
Yield for diamonds and pearls,
Why did Natalie fall for philately?"
--- John Dole P9605
"Or my muscles or mustache she sought."
But the envy she bore
Was for riches galore,
His executive's salary bought.
--- Limericks Liberated P0501
Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,
And thoughtful and bright
And sexually right,
But mostly a very big spender.
--- Archie
A Jewelry Store is the place to start.
Candy is dandy.
But if you want me randy,
It's diamonds and gemstones, you fart.
--- Anon
Whose sins became gorier and gorier,
Till she found that by prayer,
(And some savoir-faire,)
She could live in the Waldorf Astoria.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Married eight millionaires in a row.
She said, "I love to bake
And consume wedding cake,
But what I like most is the dough!"
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
"Please kiss me," the geezer was muttering.
"You're so old and dotty,
But still, I'll be naughty,"
Said she, "Only if you've brought the ring."
--- Gary Hallock
Who was wined in a penthouse with claret.
Before she could blink,
She had earned her a mink,
And a diamond of twenty-four karat.
--- Albin Chaplin
Caught taking her mark to the cleaner,
Turned the jury to jelly
By pleading her belly,
And got off with a mere misdemeanor.
--- Armand E Singer 1001
"I do it for love, not for fee.
(But you haven't a chance
To get into my pants
If your will's not made over to me.)"
--- John Miller 0091
At riverside bars on the Meuse.
When stage work was done,
She'd give the lads fun;
So now she wears diamonds and feuse.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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