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There was a young man from Kircaldy, There once was a witless recruit Let corporal punishment end, or When Ma saw her son in the show, An airman in bleak Killaloe, A vet whose friends called him Mack, A rude paratrooper is weird! A paratrooper, Anthony Gump, GIs found Phoenix City inviting. Sex in the army, they deprive it. The orders you take make no sense; If thrills of a lifetime you seek, A sniper had laid in waiting; The corporals -- all of them drank. A consumate goldbrick named Herring, A Scots sergeant said to his men: Those sergeants from Maine to Iraq, The Army's a wonderful life; A sergeant drilled various groups, "My curses on you for a strumpet! This tough nasty man, Sergeant Green, "Left Turn!" shouted Sar'Major Grey "L E F T T U R N" bellowed Sar'Major Grey; "L E E F F T T U U R R N! yelled out Sar'Major Grey "L E E E F F F T T T ..." screamed poor Sar'Major Grey "YOU FOOL!" bellowed Colonel Dupre; "A GAUCHE!" shouted Sar'Major Grey "AAH...GAUCHE! yelled out Sar'Major grey, "AAAH G A U C H E!" bellowed Sar'Major Grey "A A A A A G A U C H E sputtered Sar'Major Grey. "You fool!" bellowed Colonel Dupre Is there no fitter means you could drive at, How the Rajasthan Rifles were run (Rajasthan - region and language in India)
A man of the Sixth Army Corps A confident youth from Port Jervis This place is a terrible sight, The poll-takers checked with precision A sergeant said, "I'm a real freak. With schemes that were cleverly crafted, An old soldier who lived on his pension "I'm telling you, son, war is hell. She screwed soldiers of every description, A handsome recruit from Madrid When they shit, they have not the least claim Basic training in the winter means grief. A soldier whose name was Ned, AAAA .... TENtion screamed Brigadier Grey "You promised me truly," said May, Brigadier Fotheringay The club expelled Fotheringay -- Old Brigadier Hood (rather smarmy He may at the time have been mad; Whatever; young Grey passed the test "TENtion!" screamed Brigadier Hood, "You 'orrible, 'ORRIBLE lot!" "And YOU sir, step forward a pace; "And stand to attention you fool; "Now listen you 'orrible lot. We wonder if all brigadiers A Greek general after Thermopylae A general, noting a large Thus did General Bonehead put down The Duke of Wellington said, Our generals are chosen, it's said, There was a young wench of Adower (Refers to the Ethiopian War, 1936)
The general's plan was complete. I'm honored for fart-powered bass
All muscled and cropped like a squaddy.
When tole, "Join the Army!"
He said, "I'd be barmy
To damage this beautiful body."
--- Chris Young
Who proved to be less than astute;
Congenial and chummy,
He turned out a dummy,
Not learning to shoot or salute.
--- R J Winkler P8406
I'll punish the major offender.
And if privates in tents
Have a colonel of sense,
They'll wait for the opposite gender!
--- Lance Payne P8406
She cried, "I would like much to know,
Why they chose raw recruits
To march on these routes,
They're all out of step except Joe."
--- Langford Reed P8809
Threw each of his girls in a stew,
When in uniform decked,
And with member erect,
He'd come at them, from out of the blue.
--- Keith MacMillan 70d
Was hit with a panic attack.
He grasped his gun tight
And glared at the night,
But this time he couldn't shoot back.
--- Mikhail Lyubansky
After the plane had been cleared,
Bits waved in the wind.
We women all grinned
"Your meat was well beat!" we all jeered.
--- Anon
No longer he wanted to jump.
He shook at the knees,
In the doorway he'd freeze,
'Til the jumpmaster gave him a bump.
--- William K Alsop Jr
The bordellos were usually exciting,
And not just for sex,
But for the pretexts
That they gave paratroopers for fighting.
--- A N Wilkins P9205
Be all you can be; you'll survive it.
There's no escape,
You'll be in shape
Except for your parts that are private.
--- Tom Patton P9708
The sergeant's particularly dense;
Time, PONDEROUS, drags,
While general brags
That you're the first line of defense.
--- Chris Papa
Then join the elite Army clique.
Your life will seem full,
As KP you pull,
Where every day seems like a week.
--- Chris Papa
The enemy he was abating.
But spotted was he,
By a grunt in a tree;
Now his life is rapidly fading.
--- Anon
Their privates were dirty and stank.
Cried the Major, "How vile! --
The rank and the file
Are singularly foul and rank.
--- Lance Payne P8406
Whose technique and approach were unerring,
Could give viewers the sense
He was building a fence,
Without ever actually stirring.
--- A N Wilkins P8901
"Ye've nae primed that gun right, ye ken?"
"Too bad," said the gunner,
"'Tis finished, I've done 'er
And refuse to refuse again."
--- Anon
In Texas and in Little Rock,
Say, "Drop all those cocks,
And grab all your socks!
It's now 0-500 o'clock."
--- Al Willis P9702
It free's you from trouble and strife.
I care not one jot
If I should get shot;
At least I'll be rid of the wife!
--- Paul Steele
Expecting well-disciplined troops;
He ordered "Assault!"
Some thought he said "Halt!"
Disgruntled, he yelled more than "Oops!"
--- R J Winkler P8406
I'll blare your affairs with a trumpet!
I'll drum you from town!"
He declared with a frown.
"Now what did I do with my drum, pet?"
--- Laurence Perrine P8406
Said cynically, viewing the scene,
"They are all hot to trot,
But stealthy, they're not!
And none of those harlots are clean."
--- Marlene Lewis
As his vocal chords hit upper A.
But his troops onward tramped,
From the place they had camped
In for most of the previous day.
--- Peter Wilkins
But his troops were just too far away.
Up ahead was the top
Of a cliff and a drop
Of some two hundred meters, I'd say.
--- Peter Wilkins
As his blood pressure near boiled away;
Turning red as a beet
From his face to his feet,
As his troops still refused to obey.
--- Peter Wilkins
Then in silence he watched in dismay,
As his troops marched on over
The white cliffs of Dover;
He wiped a small tear-drop away.
--- Peter Wilkins
"Those were Frenchmen on exercise, Grey!
Now you'll practice again
With those troops from the Seine...
A LA GAUCHE! -- that's an order, okay?"
--- Peter Wilkins
As his troops from the Seine marched away.
At the end of the field,
With precision they wheeled...
"C'est tre bon, mon ami!", said Dupre.
--- Peter Wilkins
Whereupon they all turned gauche right away;
Gratifyingly slick
And exceedingly quick,
With no obvious sign of delay.
--- Peter Wilkins
And was happy to see them obey
Instantaneously
Twenty feet from the sea
Where their comrads, from earlier, lay.
--- Peter Wilkins
('Twas a bitter cold January Day.)
Then "AAAH GAUCHE!" came the sneeze
Which fair buckled his knees,
And a gauche did his squaddies obey.
--- Peter Wilkins
As "AAAH GAUCHE!" sneezed poor Grey in dismay;
For his troops wouldn't stop,
Turning gauche 'til they dropped
To the ground in complete disarray.
--- Peter Wilkins
You medical Joes, and arrive at
Than this line I'm ajam in? --
Some means to examine
The privates of privates in private?
--- Lance Payne P8406
Was a masochist's version of fun:
They required their recruits
To do short-arm salutes
In the full equatorial sun.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8406
This is file ffl
In his sleep was accustomed to snore;
Till his bedfellow, Dick,
Woke him up with a brick,
Which made his head terribly sore.
--- Levi N Fouts P0509
Announced as he entered the service,
"If it's not out of line
I will sleep until nine;
When awakened before then, I'm nervous."
--- Limber Limericks
The Army's not treating us right.
My sphincter is loose,
I shit like a goose;
My gonads have shriveled up tight.
--- Anon
The men in the army division,
As to preference for food
Or a girl to get screwed,
And it was, without fail, 'split decision'!
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0586
My voice is so terribly weak,
When I shout 'Stand at ease!'
It begins with a sneeze
And ends up a very high squeak."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Contrived so that conscripts were drafted,
The service got many
(Instead of not any)
And most of them learned they got shafted.
--- R J Winkler P8406
Saw a gal who was lovely past mention.
He sighed, "My poor rod,
In the old days, by God,
Would have risen and stood at attention."
--- Scandalous Limerix
It was painful to shoot every shell!"
"Gee, pa, I'm intrigued.
Were you battle fatigued?"
"No I just couldn't aim very well."
--- Rory Ewins
In every recumbent position.
She has kids of three races
Who grace Army bases;
A platoon of her own's her ambition.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0407
Was possessed of a powerful id.
He unsettled the lives
Of his officers' wives,
For whatever his id bid, he did.
--- Laurence Perrine P9407
To privacy -- pissing the same.
When all that they do
Is on public view,
Who could give army privates that name?
--- A N Wilkins P9102
KP on such days brings relief.
Outside there's a storm,
But the kitchen is warm,
An you get extra dibs on chipped beef.
--- Norm Brust
Was wounded in battle and bled.
Then, as he fell,
We heard him yell:
You'll miss me when I am dead!
--- William K Alsop Jr
As he lay on his back in the hay,
But alas and alack,
It stayed flaccid and slack,
Which annoyed his new ladyfriend May.
--- Anon
"You could stand to attention all day;
But it seems you're all mouth
And no trousers down south,
So I'll bid you farewell Mr. Grey."
--- Anon
Had a permanent trouser affray,
And his aim when he fired
Was so rarely admired,
For his shooting often went astray.
--- Peter Wilkins
His mess bills exceeded his pay.
He was caught with a book,
And besides which he took
To pig-sticking in QUITE the wrong way.
--- Peter Wilkins A
And upper-crust) must have been barmy,
To welcome young Grey
On that fateful May day,
To the ranks of the great British Army.
--- Peter Wilkins
Or perhaps he quite fancied the lad.
For he frequently went ter
The medical center,
To peer at the privates unclad.
--- Peter Wilkins
And was issued with battledress, vest,
And a pair of new booties
And told of his duties,
To keep 'em both clean and well-pressed.
--- Peter Wilkins
As loudly as ever he could.
It shocked the recruits
From their ears to their boots,
And put fear in their hearts, as it should.
--- Peter Wilkins
He bellowed, "You ought to be shot!"
"You ought to be what, sir?"
"We oughta be shot, sir!
Garotted and shot on the spot."
--- Peter Wilkins
Your uniform, sir,'s a disgrace!"
"Your uniform's what, sir?"
"It's filthy as snotSAH!!"
And so are your boots and your face."
--- Peter Wilkins
This isn't some finishing school.
You look like a what, sir?
"A bit of a twat, SAH!!"
"You said it, eh Private O'Toole."
--- Peter Wilkins
You're all that the army has got;
And what has it got, sir?
"Us 'orrible lot, sir!"
"Too right and I'm losing the plot."
--- Peter Wilkins
Have furred chests and hair in their ears.
How often do they shave,
So extra hairs behave,
And, are they all loved by their peers?
--- William K Alsop Jr
At once praised the strategic monopoly
Of the pass by his men,
But demoted them then,
Since thay had not been uniformed properly.
--- A N Wilkins P8406
Loss of men in a regiment's charge,
Asked, "Where is your officer?"
"Gone to his office, Sir,
To ponder the cost of dis charge."
--- Laurence Perrine P8406
All rumors of riot, "My coun-
Terrevolution-
Ary solution
Will prevail!" Him they ran out of town.
--- Michael WeinStein P8406
"This army must be led."
He said, "Follow me, men,
We will beat them again,
Just as soon as I get out of bed."
--- Spike Milligan
From the gallant who've fought and who've bled.
But though the truth galls,
They must be all balls
With an obvious lack of forehead.
--- Arthur Deex P8406
Whose face was a fair as a flower.
She couldn't say "No, no!"
To General de Bono,
So they called off the war for an hour.
--- G1732
It depended on might and deceit;
But the plan that was bred
In the general's head
Ended up in a general defeat.
--- Laurence Perrine P8406
And volatile, blockbuster gas.
And due to this fame
Gen. H is my name --
The Army's conscripted my ass.
--- Anon
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