Said President Jobcock one day:
"War's better than love, I should say.
Instead of a virgin,
It's murder I'm urgin',
You get lots more blood that-a-way."
--- G1538

The Anzacs fought bravely, they say,
In Gallipoli, even though they
Faced a ludicrous task,
So it's not much to ask
`o remember them on their own day.
--- David Morin

When they beat the swords into plowshares,
They caught army brass unawares,
And left them enraged.
Now the troops are engaged
In learning to fight with plowshares.
--- Attic Salt P9901

On Memorial Day, an old Vet
Tried his uniform on for a bet.
As he strained to look thin,
He said, "Sucking it in,
Helps remember my army corps set!"
--- Prof M-G

Cash dwindles for ammo and guns,
And RIF's have only just begun.
Enlisting today,
You might find that they
Really mean it -- You're an army of one.
--- Dr Limerick

"With Lake Woebegone's cure for malaise",
Thinks the Army, "morale we can raise.
Won't our military
All above average be
If we issue them all black berets?"
--- Peter Wilkins

In the progress of civilization,
Of wars between nation and nation,
Our weapons, refined,
By the mind of mankind
Wreak targeted broad devastation.
--- Laurence Perrine P9308

Said the Brass, "What a man did before
Determined his place in the war.
Thus a butcher, you'll find,
Is always assigned
A place in the Medical Corps."
--- A N Wilkins P8901a

Oh the sight entrancing
When morning's beam is glancing
Over files arrayed
With helm and blade
And plumes in the gay wind dancing.
--- Thomas Moore

When hearts are all high beating
And the trumpet's voice repeating
That song whose breath
May lead to death
But never to retreating.
--- Thomas Moore

To the ages this song does belong,
But army cooks say one word's wrong.
In the artillery
Their new lyric would be:
"As those capons go rolling along."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

From Ghent, I had galloped to Aix,
All night, without stopping for breaks,
But instead of a hero,
I finished a zero
By forgetting the meassage, land sakes!
--- Hugh Clary

An army corp's mission, of course, is
To make skillful use of its forces,
Its guns, and its horses,
And all its resources
To make other corps into corpses.

(corse - archaic, dead body, corpse)
--- Laurence Perrine P8406

Some boys with the taste and discernment
To dodge the draft with a deferment,
Grew up to be hawks,
With bloodthirsty talk,
Once safe from the Army's procurement.
--- Dr Limerick 09-05-02

"Samaritan goodness, alas,"
Said Father McFarland at mass,
"Demands we be kind,
So next time you find
The wounded, put them on your ass."
--- Travis Brasell

'Tis folly in face of defeat
To take, VAWARD, the front seat.
It's abundantly clear:
Advantage of rear
Is being the first in retreat.
--- Chris Papa

We're sending our Green Beret teams
To Georgia, because our brass deems (Russia)
Their troops must be trained
And our doctrines explained,
And not for a fight, as it seems.
--- Dr Limerick 02-27-02

I suspect that the mission's a sham;
Soon our guys will get into a jam,
And then while we sleep
The weed, mission creep,
Will take over, just like in Vietnam.
--- Dr Limerick 02-27-02

Service people grace places afar,
And in some there's not even a bar.
Since the Saudis, I'm thinking,
Object strongly to drinking,
Our troops there fight a prolonged gulp war.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0208

Give a cheer for our boys at the front,
Whether GI, or Dogface, or Grunt;
And another loud cheer
For our men in the rear;
And you guys in between 'em, well, punt!
--- Robin K Willoughby P8406

To an American military professional,
Top honor is the Medal Congressional.
In the war against slavery,
None went for Southern bravery,
For their cause was considered secessional.
--- Thomas G Keller P9501

A rebel who fought at Shiloh,
Said: "I don't want to do this no mo'.
I'm tired of the drillin',
The bloodshed, the killin'.
It brings me nuthin' but woe."
--- Thomas A Ratliff

The Pentagon set to announce
"We no longer do body counts;
We just estimate
And manipulate
The numbers for maximum bounce."
--- Dr Limerick 03-14-02

Although they are not very bright,
In the headbone indeed not quite right,
How could any jerks
Accept army perks
Without thinking they might have to fight?
--- A N Wilkins P9102

Private MacDonald was built
Like a howitzer under his kilt.
He was used in the war
As a substitute for
A bazooka because of the tilt...
--- Peter Wilkins

...Which he varied from zero degrees
Up to ninety with consumate ease;
Not just vertically true,
Horizontally too,
When he swiveled around on his knees.
--- Peter Wilkins

All honour and glory accrues
To the regiment of the Vingt-Deux.
Said a girl with delight,
"I don't know about fight,
But the whole twenty-two of them screws."
--- Hugh Oliver 43a

On breakfasts, six days were just "Yuck!"
Old rations with which we were stuck.
But if you would single,
That stuff on a shingle,
Is worse that that dried egg foul muck.
--- Anon

A young soldier, who I'll call Lorne,
Regretted the day he was born.
He'd been to the barber,
A grudge he did harbour;
His hair was not cut, it was shorn.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

When a certain group of GI's
Who thought themselves rather wise,
Let out of the bag
A startled old hag,
They took a long look of surprise.
--- Baxter Sperry P0111

"I'll be all I want to be," said Don.
"I am big and I've all of the brawn.
But when they start shootin'
And stompin' and hootin',
Then all I want to be is gone."

(Army slogan - Be all you can be [unless shooting starts])
--- Tom Patton P0412

There is a GI at Fort Drum,
Who had come to Fort Drum from a slum.
As he breathed the fresh air,
He says: "I'll be fair;
This is better than where I came from."
--- William K Alsop Jr

There once was a soldier named Frank,
I don't know his unit or rank,
But he played with his "gun,"
Because it was fun,
And that's why they called him a Yank.
--- Bob Birch P0206

This is file fgl

A man recently out of the forces,
Decided to sit for some courses.
He had degrees in a few,
Many others he knew,
But he liked putting carts before horses!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The river was ragin', but shallow.
"Get in there!" the major did bellow.
But Sergeant McCorr
Sat down on the shore;
He was chicken, and piss-weak, and yellow.
--- Anon

An ingenious Sergeant Cooper,
For a soldier did something super.
Had him cloned, two for one,
So that when he was done,
He'd invented a pair o' trooper.
--- Anon

There was an objector at Chirk
Who was charged with an impulse to shirk;
But he answered, "All action
I love to distraction,
But I loathe and abominate work."
--- Anon Punch 1918 (Bibby)

Although a young draftee named King
In the army learned many a thing,
About men who'd gone wrong
With wine, women, and song,
He was too cultured even to sing.
--- A N Wilkins P8901

Few boasted as much as did Joe
About what he'd do to the foe,
We had simply no doubts
That he'd slaughter the Krauts
Till the guy shot himself in the toe.
--- A N Wilkins P8901

The general said, "When spirit droops,
We engage our most favorite groups;
The ones with the curls,
Made up of just girls,
Known the world over as our crack troops."
--- Tom Patton P0407

To the Draft Board young Buddy Mahew
Raised quite an uncomfortable stew,
And in definite terms
Exclaimed "Listen, you worms,
I refuse to be classed as '4Q'!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 452

A drill sergeant I once knew was a PHILODOX;
A graduate for the school of "hard knocks".
But his wisdom was bluster;
The best he could muster
Was, "Drop your cocks and grab your socks!"
--- Norm Brust

Ten cadets and a dog from Moldavia
Took a train to Berlin through Moravia.
All but the dog
Were ejected at Prague
For lewd and licentious behavia.
--- David Smith P9604

Although I am aged 79,
In the army I'm doing just fine.
And I've this commendation
From a most grateful nation,
For gallantry in the front line.
--- Anon

The enemy I faced single handed,
For I heard not "Retreat!", as commanded.
And the foe, I'd not flee 'em,
I didn't even see 'em,
For I'm deaf and half-blind, I'll be candid.
--- Anon

And anyhow, I couldn't crawl,
What with my arthritis and all.
The pains in my hip,
That were giving me gyp,
If I had heard that officer call.
--- Anon

So there I just had to reside,
'Til the counter-attack by our side.
Then they called me a hero,
For showing no fear, oh,
They told me that I might have died.
--- Anon

I go to the regiment's functions,
And pick up some dame at the luncheons.
'Cause strictly between us,
I've still got a penis,
That works with some gal in conjunction.
--- Anon

In the desert, an abandoned tank
Was wangled by a Yank named Frank.
With no women around,
In his vessel, newfound,
Frank the Yank, in his tank, had a wank.
--- S.M.

Just think of a boy at the front,
No beer, no bourbon, no cunt.
He sits in his trench,
And thinks of his wench,
And his codpiece resembles a punt.
--- Heekster

Home on leave in familiar scenes,
A recent young draftee named Jeans
Really felt like a heel
At his first homecooked meal
When he asked for the "fucking green beans"
--- A N Wilkins P8901

Then Uncle Sam beckoned to me;
"The Army's for you", chuckled he.
So I gave him twenty,
But I got back plenty,
Outliving him statisticly.
--- L E Ott P0206

He'd ordered "Hors d'oeuvres for Headquarters,"
Which the Cook misread "Horse for the mortars."
Well Sergeant, try booze.
You must never confuse
"Ordures" with the General's orders.
--- Laurence Perrine P8406

That noble hussar, Captain Kossoff,
Gave each of the troops he was boss of
A buxom young wench
For defeating the French,
And a pretty young boy for a toss off.
--- Michael Horgan

Uncle Artie's come down from the attic;
He's an ancient ham-radio fanatic.
He "dot-dashed" the war
For the Signal Corp.
(He's convinced he hears "voices" in static.)
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Cousin Tom is a Vietnam vet,
Who is horny as horny can get.
He claims Agent Orange
Makes him swing like a door hinge,
And the Air Force is thus in his debt.
--- John Miller 0115

When those paid soldiers, CONDOTTIERI,
March off to wars so mercenary,
We must think of the Huns
With bayonet guns
In our wars Revolutionary.
--- Daniel Ford

A communist comrade, old Fred,
Tried to join I. R. A. for his bread.
The sergeant replied:
"Wrong cause!" -- and then sighed
"Try holy comm-union instead!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8701

A soldier known only as Sarge
Had sex with a hooker named Marge.
Though only a grunt,
He assaulted her cunt,
And gave her an honorable discharge.
--- Lim of Month Nov 2000

There was an old soldier call Beddles
Who was terribly fond of his medals.
They hung on the wall
And on hooks in the hall
And he'd two on his bicycle pedals.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Sir Jeremy "Juggernaut" Jones
Was a soldier, but not in his bones.
He was meek as three lambs,
Wrote love poems in iambs,
And never went near combat zones.
--- Warrick Elrod

There was a young woman in Banks,
Who hated the sight of the Yanks;
When they entered her town,
She melted them down,
Which slowly diminished their ranks.
--- Limber Limericks

They were lying together undresed,
And the lancer was fondling her breast,
When he heard his C.O.
Outside in the snow,
Order "Mount!" He obeyed the request.
--- Lance Payne P8406

A GI was sent to Ft. Bliss.
He remembered his sweetheart's last kiss.
But a girl out on the highway
Said, "Let's do it my way."
He said, "Life was never like this."
--- Ed Wolfert P8406

"I enlisted," confessed Private Lear,
"And in three years of service, it's clear
If there's one thing I've learned
Where the army's concerned,
It's never," he said, "volunteer!"
--- A N Wilkins P8901

There was once a professor named Snife,
Who grew tired of foxhole life.
He longed for the classroom,
Where he had more ass-room,
And nights in bed with his wife.
--- G0185