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When I was young and in my prime, There once was a young man from Burgeon There once was a spry young fair lad, There was a young lad of St. Louis There was a young fellow named Pete, There was a young fellow named Biddle There once was a man from Tangiers I once had a girl, Mary Anne, She was nasty and mean, Mary Anne, She was ugly and fat, Mary Anne; I was warned about you, Mary Anne, She was bad, really bad, Mary Anne; A novice at fucking was Brook; There once was a boy from Kentucky, Said a timid young fellow named Ben, A brash adolescent named Lou, A lad at his first copulation, An innocent farmhand named Andy There was a shy fellow named Herb An innocent boy in Lapland, The load that is pulled by a horse There once was this boy so distraught, Said a prudish young lady of Trinity: There was a young girl from Samoa A happy young bridegroom was Hadley We exhibit a peculiar taste There was a young lady of Pecking, There once were three maids from St. Mary's, Here we have sun-lover Kerry, A boastful blonde virgin from Boulder, An old engineer name of Pete A young man who ardently wooed At death's door lay Alicia Phipps. Said my grandmother, "Once I was yummy, I'm a young, inexperienced girl There was a young lady so nice, My betrothed is a Democrat true; But that's what my mother told me, A lady of virginal humours, How sad for a girl called Charlotte, Nancy, the lovely young coed, Now hear me, she wasn't a tease; I may not be able to throw This girlie called Rhiannon Legge, But no, you say she's under age, Rhiannon's so sweet and so fair, Got a letter from her, and it ran on, So artless and simple was Rubik, At the marriage bureau at Dover, There was a young woman named Eva There was a young miss from St. Simon, A pathetic old cynic named Rand A rich suitor called Jeremy Sturgeon There are lots of "Good Girls", never fear; (But that was four decades ago Where I live, the new farmer's maid A chaste female lawyer from Trinity, To St. Peter, an ex-dean of Goucher, There was a young lady rotund, A lady from old Amarillo, There was a young girl of Dalkeith, The stars shine so brightly tonight; There was an astrologer, Scott, It would seem to be dubious taste There was a young princess called Dagmar, (Published 1870)(tolliwag - ??)
There once live a dame quite AUGUST,
I thought having sex was a crime.
And so I abstained.
But what have I gained?
A body that's not worth your time.
--- Anon
Who claimed to be the last living virgin;
But, he was caught strokin'
Without female pokin',
And now his dick needs some re-urgin'.
--- Anon
Who the girls looked upon as a cad.
But no secret, you see,
He lost his virginity,
When the old vicar's daughter he had.
--- Straydog
Who was raised with too much ingenouis,
But when puberty called
He was lustily balled,
And is now much too cocky and screwy.
--- Keith MacMillan A071B
Who was gentle, and shy, and discreet.
But with his first woman
He became quite inhuman,
And constantly roared for fresh meat.
--- Anon
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow,
And said, "If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle."
--- L0813
Who stayed celibate 45 years.
Once in a brawl,
He got kicked in the balls,
And semen shot out of his ears!
--- Puff Adder TP9807
With a face as flat as a pan.
She was covered with zits,
Had lopsided tits --
(But Lord! One beautiful tan!)
--- John Miller 0008a
When the sane saw her coming, they ran.
She was quick in her use
Of verbal abuse,
(But when asked would reply, "Yes you can!")
--- John Miller 0008b
She sold crack from the back of her van.
She cheated and lied,
She was sneaky and snide,
(But she sure had a way with a man!)
--- John Miller 0008c
By my brother and sister and Gran;
And by Mother and Dad,
They all said you're bad
(You were good on the cot in the van!)
--- John Miller 0008d
Almost none could she claim as her fan;
(But because of her urgin',
I ceased to be virgin!
Take the good with the bad when you can!)
--- John Miller 0008e
He felt something starting to cook.
He did not understand
That feeling so grand,
So he backed off a foot for a look.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0063
Who thought active sex was so yucky.
His girlfriend said "You dunce,
You have to try it once."
Now he can't stop being fucky!
--- Anon
I've been wantin' sex ever since when...
Do us all he-virgins
Experience those urgin's?
Or am I unique among men?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 815
Had just had his very first screw.
"It's the 'in' thing, a bang,
Louie bragged to his gang,
"Like a wonderful wet dream come true!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
Gyration, elation,
Throughout the duration;
I guess I'll give up masturbation.
--- Sam Schleman
Once got all his pleasure from candy,
Till the farmer's hot daughter
Taught him what Paw'd taught her...
Now he knows, more than candy, what's dandy!
--- Grand Prix Lim 827
Whom gals hardly ever disturb.
He's still puzzling out
How a guy goes about
Changing "SEX" from a noun to a verb.
--- Grand Prix Lim 254 A
Was told that frigging was grand.
But at his first trial,
He said with a smile,
"I've had the same feeling by hand."
--- L1287
Can represent quite a great force,
But it ain't as much work
As put out by a jerk
On the night of his first intercourse!
--- Mark Levy P9707
Because screwing he'd never been taught.
Whereupon his first piece,
As it slipped in her crease,
Yelled loudly, "What Hath God Wrought?"
--- Laurence Craft
"Thank heavens I've got my virginity--
At least as to men!--
I admit, now and then,
I've stuffed objects about the vicinity."
--- G2220
Who said to a sailor named Noah:
"You can kiss me and squeeze me,
But remember, to please me,
I'm allergic to spermatozoa."
--- G1605
And in love with his bride very madly,
For she married, in fact,
With her cherry intact,
But her asshole was worn very badly.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1348
In women after whom we have raced.
It's the loose we pursue,
While the pure we eschew,
For the ones that are chased are not chaste.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9102a
Who indulged in a great deal of necking.
This seemed a great waste
Since she claimed to be chaste;
This statement, however, needs checking.
--- Anon A
Who sold all their milk to the dairies.
They sold beans and tomatoes
For meat and potatoes--
Soon all they had left were their cherries.
--- Albin Chaplin G1601
Roasted as brown as a berry;
She's feeling so tender,
You dare not upend 'er;
I think she has burned up her cherry.
--- Anon
Swore no man on earth had yet rolled her.
She was therefore dismayed,
When her charms were displayed
On a Vegas massage parlor folder.
--- G1529
Was giving a lady a treat.
She could not understand
What made fucking so grand,
So he showed her a sketch of his meat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-3002
A girl he had never screwed,
Made no connection
With his failed erection,
And the break-up with the girl that ensued.
--- Anon
No man had yet mounted her hips.
As sadly she waited, (But one intern tried her,)
One intern palpitated; (And God! did he ride her.)
She died with a smile on her lips.
--- G1592
This is file eol
With big breasts, nice ass and tight tummy."
And then she told me she
Had lost hers at age three,
When she rolled over onto her dummy.
--- David Miller
And I don't yet know much of the world.
But my fantasies tingle
When I dream of mingle-
Ing with you, my dear, you are a pearl!
--- Anon
She wore rubber pants filled with ice,
Which kept her so cool,
She got halfway through school,
Without need of sexual advice.
--- John Ciardi
She hangs out with an unsavory crew;
She said, "Don't be simple;
Although there's a dimple,
My hymen's intact, still, for you!"
--- Allen Wolverton
"To do," she said, "use a knee
To kick the man's groin,
When he touches your loin;
You've to defend your chastity."
--- Anon
Could only be screwed through her bloomers.
But one fatal day
The bloomers gave way,
Which fixed her for future consumers.
--- L0871
That her name is so close to harlot.
She may have the rep
And even the pep,
Though she never has crotched a varlet.
--- W L McAtee G1756
Spent most of her nights with her legs spread.
To show what you'd get,
But not for free yet,
To get it, sweet Nan you must wed.
--- Anon
You could lick it as much as you please.
If you did this a while,
And made Nancy smile,
Then Nancy'd get down on her knees!
--- Anon
The cider away, or say no
To pies and their filling,
But for this I am willing:
Yes, celibacy's got to go.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Plays so hard to get, though I beg
Her to do a strip tease,
She hears not my pleas,
And I can't get her onto my peg.
--- Anon
And her dad will get into a rage.
But he's not to know,
If she gives you a blow,
While you flick your tongue round her cage.
--- Anon
And for her I always will care.
But I'd travel to Dover,
Just to get my leg over;
When my dick drives, I haven't a care.
--- Anon
"I've got a granddaughter, Rhiannon,
She's a beauty, so rare,
And her love, G. St Clair,
She says has a hell of a ram on."
--- Anon
So innocent, sweet, and cherubic,
That he never would dare
To consider one hair
Of a matter suspected as pubic.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2147
A finicky fellow named Stover
Said, "I want for a bride
One whom no one has tried,
Not a widow you have to warm over."
--- Grand Prix Lim 439 G1543
Who said no young man could deceive her;
That she'd always be sure
To remain prime and pure;
But somehow I do not believe her.
--- Isaac Asimov
Who sighed to her gentleman, "Why, man,
I've torn underwear,
And you've worn off the hair,
And you've not even punctured my hymen!"
--- G1603
Hoped to marry a virgin as planned,
But sneered, "What are the odds
Out of all the world's bods,
I will get one that's not second hand."
--- Armand E Singer 325
Once searched at great cost for a virgin.
Taking pains (which one must)
Not to show too much trust,
He spurned any sent by a surgeon.
--- David A Brooks Q
Not all of them frigid or queer.
(At UConn I found
Them a type to abound...
The woods were just full of them, Dear!)
--- MrMalo
And maybe today that's not so.
Did deforestration
Cause great consternation?
Where do those sweet darlings all go?)
--- MrMalo
Is buxom, but straitlaced and staid.
She's so blasted pure,
That I'm pretty sure
That only the eggs will get laid.
--- John Miller
For men has acquired an affinity.
She found a neat loophole,
By using her poophole,
She still can retain her virginity.
--- Anon
Declared she had let no man touch her.
After carefull review,
He let her pass through,
But he shrugged as he OK'd her voucher.
--- John Ciardi
For whom no young fellow had gunned.
For on going to bed
She appeared to be dead,
And she slept like an ox that was stunned.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2270
Mused, as she lay on her pillow,
If, and when I give in,
Would it be a great sin,
If it's only a small peccadillo?
--- Barrie Collins P9601
With a hymen in need of relief.
So she went to the doctor
Who prodded and shocked her,
And stretched it with fingers and teeth.
--- L0825
Your body on mine feels just right.
But something's amiss
And it's spoiling our bliss.
Aren't virgins supposed to be tight?
--- Anon
Who met a cute girl on a yacht.
He said, "I'm a Taurus."
Then felt her clitorus
And told her, "A Virgo you're not!"
--- David Miller
For a beautiful girl to be chaste.
It's bad for her tissues
Which suffer from disuse,
And besides, it's a terrible waste.
--- Isaac Asimov
Who said, "I should so like to shag, Ma,"
And says she, "If you speaks
To the King of the Greeks,
He will lend me his own tolliwag, Ma."
--- L0824
Whose sex-life had been a big bust.
She said, "Let me see.
I'm now sixty three,
And uncross my legs now, I must!"
--- Chris Papa
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