He drank coffee down by the crop,
So much coffee made his heart stop;
He fell to the floor,
Drank coffee no more,
But he was good to the last drop!
--- Anon

They say coffee makes you want to jump
If you're down in the dumps like a grump.
Don't stand in high places --
You'll find that your face is
In grave danger of landing kerthump.
--- Anon

An hour for coffee I waited;
I sat there with breath that was baited.
The waitress passed through;
I asked for some brew.
The bitch brought me decaffeinated.
--- B Chilkat

If I'd something to say, I'd just do it,
But my brain is behaving like suet.
So comments, I've none;
Let's just say that I'm done,
Though coffee might help, so I'll brew it.
--- Anon

From Point Barrow way down to Biloxi,
Coke and Pepsi are drink orthodoxy;
But the billions they've spent
Have not yet made a dent --
They're not part of our language like "Moxie."
--- J Maynard Kaplan

There was a young fellow from Dallas (TX)
Who lived in a Highland Park palace.
He ate, so I'm told,
Off a platter of gold,
And he drank, so he thought, from a chalice.
--- Laurence Perrine P8805

So girls, here's a cure for that pest,
Who's trying to get you undressed,
And raising your hackle:
Just drop on his tackle
Hot coffee, he won't be impressed.
--- Anon

You watch, and before you can blink,
His manhood will shrivel and shrink.
And lads, tell her "Later"
If trying to date 'er
If she offers coffee to drink.
--- Anon

A homely young lady named Schwartz
Drank dewberry juice by the quarts;
At the end of six weeks,
She had rosy-pink cheeks,
But her ankles were covered with warts.
--- Lims Unlimited

Said Maxine to her life partner, Seymour,
"Your liquor just prompts you to pee more."
Replied Mr. Gillespie,
"Would I produce less pee,
If I were, instead, to drink tea more?"
--- Alex Heydon P0408

An Okie who lived in Bow Legs
Ate a breakfast of bacon and eggs,
And grits, of course.
Before mounting his horse
He drank his coffee down to the dregs.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A man with a fetish for metal
Came to town and decided to settle.
But the fact is that we
Will not ask him to tea,
For we're both rather fond of our kettle.
--- Graham Lester

I shy at unpasteurized milk
Such as comes from Euphrosonie Dilk. (not a clue - McW)
I prefer straight Grade A
For a drink with a lay,
But there's seldom a babe of that ilk...
--- Grand Prix Lim 18

There once was a girl from New York
Who wouldn't eat seafood or pork.
'Twasn't dietary laws
That gave her such pause.
She had no white wine to uncork.
--- Anon

Said a lady of taste extra fine,
Who at a table omitted all wine:
"I'm not histrionic --
I just prefer tonic
And take steps to get Schweppes. It's divine!"
--- Schweppes 1955 P0206

A cellist in our philharmonic
Has a terse but effective mnemonic.
"With every five steps,
I repeat purchase Schweppes
And remember to buy the true Tonic."
--- Schweppes 1955 P0206

What a sad ending came to my crony!
He had squandered his small patrimony --
With no Schweppes for his Gin,
He did himself in --
Wouldn't you, if you were that stony?
--- Schweppes 1955 P0206

The drinks that they sold me in Twickenham
Were soda without any stick in `em,
And when I complained,
They said, "We're constrained
For a shilling, from putting a kick in `em."
--- Lims Unlimited

In this restaurant, we'll dine, and then later,
We will take in a downtown theater.
To speed up the service,
If you're not too nervous,
How about if you "flash" the headwaiter?
--- Allen Wolverton

Just wink, briefly pull yp your skirt;
The air on your thighs shouldn't hurt.
It might just be able
To snag us a table,
If lucky perhaps free dessert.
--- Tom Bishop

If my dear will exhibit her wares,
That will end all my dieting cares.
I'll dine, if I'm able,
Beneath our small table,
On low-calorie juice strained through hairs.
--- Ward Hardman

I've heard that referred to as "wine";
Some whores have a taste more like brine.
I just tell them, "Go slow,
And please meter the flow."
Also ask them to think of my spine.
--- Tom Bishop

Cowboys like coffee that's black
And sturdy enough to attack.
They brew it and brew it
Until they can chew it --
It tastes just like tar and shellac.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

There was a young lady from Lop
Who drank a bottle of pop.
She drank it so quick
Every sip, every lick;
And swallowed the bottle and top!
--- Julie Ling

There was a young man of Yalding,
Who liked to drink tea when it's scalding.
The result of this heat
Was pigeon-toed feet
And a head that was rapidly balding.
--- Anon

Such delicate flavour is lost on
The Yanks, as Brits found to their cost, on
One day, long ago,
When 'twas offered, and so
'Twas thrown in the river in Boston.

There once was a fellow in Keeling,
An expert in pineapple peeling;
But he also knew tea,
He had named thirty-three,
And he called his best girl friend "Darjeeling."
--- J Maynard Kaplan

"Of tea leaves you lack a supply,"
My English friend said with a sigh.
"You cannot deny it:
Drop tea from your die-t,
And nothing is left but to die."

(Die! Die! di-dee-di-dee-di.... - McW)
--- Laurence Perrine P9504

A naughty young woman called Lot
Put her tampax in a teapot.
Said the vicar, "I say
They've made this Earl Gray
With sanguinello and not bergamot."
--- Donald McGill

At the shore a young lady named B,
Drank way too much hot herbal T.
She said, "Holy G,
I really must P,
So I'll just have to P in the C."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0605

There once was a lady from Ealing
Who pissed in a pot of Darjeeling.
Said the vicar, I say,
A cup of Earl Gray
Would have been a bit more appealing.
--- Donald McGill

An Englishman makes never a slip,
When keeping a stiff upper lip.
But one thing I can't see
Is how he can love tea,
When a lip that is stiff cannot sip.
--- Warrick Elrod

When alone with a cup of Darjeeling,
I observed that the brew was congealing.
It set like meringue,
And went off with a bang.
I found myself stuck to the ceiling.
--- Bill Wall

This is file emm

There's nothing like afternoon tea
To appeal to a person like me.
There is little to eat;
What there is is too sweet;
And I feel like a cow in a tree.
--- Gelett Burgess

A gentleman's club had a pee
Contest, drinking Indian tea;
Orange Pekoe, Darjeeling;
Earl Grey hit the ceiling;
Assam dribbled pee down his knee.
--- Peter Wilkins

When drinking a cup of Earl Grey,
My trousers began to decay.
I clutched at my zip,
But my old pecker tip
Was determined to have its own way.
--- Bill Wall

Consuming too much herbal tea
Can cause havoc when taking a pee.
When out on the razzle
You tend to pass Basil,
And last night, old Basil passed me.
--- Bill Wall

In Australia, the tourists agree,
The food is bizarre as can be.
A man with a boomerang
Can enjoy kangaroo meringue
Served with a high koala tea.
--- A N Wilkins P8611

Admirers of Lapsang Souchong
Always bang on a very large gong;
Like J Arthur Rank,
Who we'd like to thank,
For kindly not coming along.
--- Bill Wall

There was a young fellow named Seymour
Who noticed he now had to pee more.
He then said, "I think
It's the coffee I drink;
From now on I'll have to drink tea more.
--- Anon

The Chinese ambassodor, Lee,
Whose real name was probably Yee,
(Or was it Mai Dong?
Surely that's wrong!)
Said he much preferred Indian tea.
--- Peter Wilkins P9807

If you don't steep tea very long,
Too much caffeine can do your heart wrong.
But should tannins leach out
It will kill caffeine's clout.
Moral: Like tea a lot, drink it strong.
--- Prof M-G TP9807

When asked, an old Chinese named Lee,
Who had just reached a hundred and three,
Replied with much levity,
"I owe my longevity
To my diet of T-E-A tea."
--- Pierce Evans

A teapot without any spout
Is a teapot whose spout is without
Hot jasmine to funnel
Through its little funnel,
Which a tea-spout no doubt is about.
--- Eric Hinds

Anthropologist, Dr. Mc Fees,
Had a passion for rare Asian teas.
So it shouldn't surprise
You and you might surmise
She revealed a yen for things Chinese.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0202

A warm cuppa sounds really nice,
Along with a biscuit of spice.
It does do the trick,
Real fast, double quick.
Now what else do you have to entice?
--- Azul

The acanthopterygian fishes
Are good in all kinds of fish dishes.
Their fins are quite spiny,
They're ever so briny,
And honestly, they taste delicious.
--- Rory Ewins

An abattoir visit's my wish,
To follow beef's road to my dish.
If we plan to eat meat,
We should know what we eat.
After that, I'd suggest having fish.
--- Mimi

The sage ocean biologist Foxx
Eschewed salt water fare but ate lox,
Saying, "I'm on good terms
With gigantic tube worms,
But I can't say the same for tube socks."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0010

My favourite snack's bagel and lox;
This gave my family some shocks.
Dad says holes in food
For him are not good.
He just found some holes in his socks.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

When dining, a man named McNish
Had trouble selecting the dish.
Said his wife, "You're amusing;
You have trouble choosing --
Take the bull by the horns and choose fish.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2993

Lucinda, her marmalade spilling,
Is all the young gentlemen thrilling.
As she butters her toast,
The waiter's engrossed
And burning the kipper he's grilling.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A hirsute though dutysome priest,
Would seek out a cutie and feast
On fish eggs, that are
Usually called caviar,
With Champagne for both Beauty and Beast.
--- Arthur Deex P0408

The fish-scented damp nether-lair
Between the long legs of blonde Claire
Has tuna gourmets
All singing the praise
Of succulent "Kip van der Meer".

(Dutch for "Chicken of the Sea.)
--- Randog

A great bonny lass called Trish
Did some yummy things with fish;
With cod and plaice
And a smiling face,
She made a very tasty dish.
--- Val Burns P0607

A country bumpkin is a clod
Who somehow grew up on the sod.
And he doesn't know
That eggs are roe
And little cod are scrod.
--- Lims Unlimited

There was an old lady named Clog,
Who lived in a deep dark wet bog.
She made lots of wishes
For very small fishes,
And sizzled them on a hot log.
--- Danny

A drunk helped a chipper young stripper
Unstick a sticky stuck zipper,
But asked, "What's that smell?"
She said, "Go to Hell!
For lunch I had crackers and kipper!"
--- John Miller

He offered me crawfish. I cried.
"It's nothing like lobster!" he lied.
He just did not tell.
He removed the shell,
Then cooked it for me (gag) deep fried.
--- Marlene

For trying to kill me by craw,
I had him picked up by the law.
He lied to them too.
Fed them Lobster stew.
The judge sentenced him to Utah.
--- Marlene

Steam the crawdads with spice;
Pluck off the legs, mmm-mmm, nice.
Bite of the head
To make sure they're dead.
Suck them and eat them with rice.
--- Karen

The crawfish they sure make me sick;
I stir them in with my broomstick.
Some wings of a bat
And legs of a gnat.
Hold your nose and drink double-quick!
--- Marlene

It's free for a while so best hurry.
Although it looks more like a slurry,
It's Ahmed's best dish
Begun with some fish,
And ends as the locals best curry.
--- Archie

There was a young doctor named Spurgeon,
Interning to be a great surgeon;
Invited to dinner,
He proved a real winner
By deftly dissecting the sturgeon.
--- Armand E Singer 524

It does one no good to eat fish,
If you can't keep the thing on the dish.
You can struggle and strain
Till there's pain in your brain,
But you're much better off with a knish.
--- Leon Blum

A tongue-twister tweaker named Toles
Served six seasick sheikhs saucy soles.
Said the sixth seasick sheikh;
"Saucy sole is sure chic...
But I choose to chew rolls, eschew shoals.
--- Peter Wilkins