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While attempting to fart out the tune So I thought I'd transpose it a key There once was a Royal Marine, (Published 1879)
There was a young Royal Marine There was a young Royal Marine This mean deviation from the mean, In bilateral talks with the Palace, Have you heard of Le Petomaine? He was an exceptionally arty, A German musician named Bager, (Of a Mozart concerto in F Major)
So the fiddlers started to play To Cager this was quite a bummer. (Koechel number - organization of Mozart's works)
The sphincter's an unruly thing; But if you just need a quick grin Otherwise, get thee a glass, To modulate pitch is the trick -- Here's old Charlie Giggle, the vagrant, Jeez, I'm a forgetful old goat! Another explanatory note That question on brains is rhetorical; You're right, and for once on the job, A bob, as you know, is a shilling. A man and his love in Kowloon Next thing came contracts to go out, Sweet music, of all of the arts, My dear, I don't burp but I belch A patriotic young city planner He moved off to London one spring Then at gambling he lost all his bets-- A fellow with the surname of Art I suffered a flatulent spell A crepitant person named Birch (crepitant - making a cracking sound)
I once overheard a discussion Involved in this heated debate And I have to include this last item -- A torpedoed seaman named Rowell, An old man of Texas named Tanners, I sat next to the Duchess at tea. When I thought of the duchess affair, I dined next to the Crowned Princess Di, (which is more important, truth or grammar?)
I'll buy you sex toys by the cart, There was an old man named Croup, Krakatau chose August, not June, That's ludricous, John, I agree; For there's nothing impeding the sound According to Doctor Dewitt, So shit's supersonic no less? The professer, a guest on the coast, Tom Hardy had ass well endowed "My honeymoon," young Stover said A little boy sitting in school Lord Randall, on top of his tart, When you body decides to expel A star-crossed old priest from Vincennes In the middle of making a toast Here sits a man named Ron, I sat next to the Duchess at tea. A fine gent from the west, name of Pound, I went to a party, a blast! The man in the room above mine He tromps hard and burps really loud; He's pootered and farted all night; A flatulent schoolboy named Slade Delilah was close to my heart, There once was a Kensington strumpet So when her pa proved "a mere scumpit
Of "Everyone's Gone to the Moon",
When I hit a C-major,
It set off my pager,
Which lies hidden somewhere in my room.
--- F Ormatsee
But that hasn't worked, woe is me.
For on farting D-flat,
I freaked out the cat,
Which then went and puked in my tea!
--- F Ormatsee
Who tried to fart "God save the Queen."
When he reached the soprano,
Out came the guano,
His pants were not fit to be seen.
--- Norman Douglas L0720
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
He reached a high note
Which loosened his "throat";
Now his pants will be tough to get clean.
--- Anon
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
He reached a high note,
Heard in regions remote;
(Shit spattered on regions between).
--- Anon
He then showed his prick to the Queen.
As he pissed on guano
And with vox humana
Said: "Let's quit all this smoldering scene."
--- Pat Halogen
He blamed not himself, but old Alice.
"My greatest desire,
Was to quench the fire;
I did not make combustible out of malice.
--- Pat Halogen
To pass normal gas he'd disdain.
On the Paris stage
He was all the rage;
No other dared challenge his rein.
--- Anon
The life of a number of parties.
But never, alas,
Invited to mass,
For he might have farted too hearty.
--- Anon
Spurred on by a very high wager,
Proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn octet in A-Major.
--- Anon
While Cager afarting away,
When to his dispair,
He ran out of air
At the upbeat to four after "A".
--- John Miller
His asshole was really a hummer.
Imagine his glee
When he found out that he
Had been farting the wrong Koechel number.
--- John Miller
A lifetime of study's the thing
For anal broadcasters,
Who wish to be masters,
And make the ass trill and sing.
--- H Welchel
(For you, not for those you chagrin),
Insert a duck call --
It's sure to appall,
With outrageous droppings of chin.
--- H Welchel
Observing your reflected ass,
And patiently strain
And train once again,
Until even tones you can pass.
--- H Welchel
The brain-ass connections limbic.
A musical hole
Needs cortex control.
It's cheating to tug on your dick.
--- H Welchel
With audible flatulence flagrant.
He'll fart, for a tanner,
The Star Spangled Banner,
And leave all the city unfragrant.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So here's that explanatory note:
A tanner's six pence;
Old style, that's 4 cents
(US); slightly more than a groat.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I think is required for "a groat".
Now wasn't that four
Pence (old Sterling) no more?
Or have I got the brains of a goat?
--- Peter Wilkins
But seeing as groats are historical,
And older than tanners,
It's only good manners
I firstly consult the Ogg Oracle.
--- Peter Wilkins
And poling old Sal with my knob,
She said for a groat,
She'd suck on my choat,
But to swallow the jizz was a bob.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And back then, most gals would be willing
To lower defence
For that small expense,
And give you a jolly good milling.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Soon found they could sing a new tune.
Drinking beer, both were farting,
But the notes they were charting
By the light of the silvery moon.
--- Anon
Displaying their fart-songs, no doubt.
He would toot in low D,
She would rip in high C --
The "Ass-gas Symphony" was a blowout!
--- Anon
A balm to weary souls, imparts.
And Frank's little songs
Have long thrilled the throngs
With coughs, sneezes, burps, snores and farts.
--- Sister Christina
And only with gals who are Welsh.
It's not for this habit;
I'm known as the Rarebit,
But 'cause of the speed of my squelch.
--- SFA
Learned to fart in a musical manner.
His employees did stay
At attention each day,
While he farted the Star Spangled Banner.
--- Jim Menger P9204
And in London he did the same thing.
Except that by June
He'd learned a new tune
And now farted God Save the King.
--- Jim Menger P9204
Fled to Spain to avoid all his debts.
He earns minimum wage
Farting tangos on stage,
Accompanied by four castanets.
--- Jim Menger P9204
Often dined at the deli in the mart.
Some thought he was crude
And very much lewd,
For he finished each meal with a fart.
--- Anon
And my lady-love's ardor soon fell.
It wasn't the odor,
She told me, that slowed 'er,
But the noises announcing the smell.
--- Norm Storer P9806
Often farts right out loud during church.
Said the pastor, "Dear friend,
You'll be blessed in the end--
But it won't be an end without smirch."
--- G1089
On the subject of anal percussion,
Those rim-shot retorts,
That put stains in your shorts,
As the wind from your rectum goes rushin'.
--- Wiley
This is file ecm
Was a chemistry student named Tate.
"Because of the stink,
A fart is, I think,
Just shit in its gaseous state."
--- Wiley
They've got to get out, so don't fight 'em.
Blast them out loudly!
Boast of them proudly!
If you are really brave, you can light 'em.
--- Wiley
Was flagging a ship with a towel.
As the rescuers started,
He excitedly farted,
And blew himself back to Rabaul.
--- G1444
Was notorious for his bad manners.
When he noticed the start
On an imminent fart,
He'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!
--- Woodrow Wilson L1588
It suddenly struck me, "How rare
Are abnormal vitals
In ladies with titles,
So I'm glad, after all, I was there."
--- Anon
And observed things soon going awry;
Her rumblings internal
Were something infernal,
And everyone thought it was I!
--- Arthur Deex P9408a
And let you all play with my part.
So what say you, ladies?
Let's raise us some Hades
And ring in oh-oh with a fart!
--- Anon
Who had lost all control of his poop.
While dining one day,
His old wife did say,
"Stop making that noise with your soup!"
--- Anon
To compete with our H's great tune.
But the fart was much greater
Just one fortnight later;
An echo came back from the moon.
--- Anon
For the air is so dense near the sea,
That the sound waves lose force
Pushing air away; course
In a vacuum, it's speed is near c.
--- Anon
As it echoes and thunders around
In the vacuum called space;
It's a noisy old place,
So I think I'll stay here on the ground.
--- Anon
While physical law would admit
Interstellar dispersal
Of a gaseous reversal,
The sound travels slower than shit.
--- Anon
Well that's certainly true of our Bess;
For no sound can you hear
While she's straining her rear,
'Til you're hit with a warm sticky mess.
--- Anon
Ordered breakfast of beans upon toast.
When he left for the station,
His loud eructation,
Embarrassed his well-meaning host.
--- Anon
For making farts putrid and loud.
That's why he'd be found,
Creating that sound,
So far from the madd(en)ing crowd.
--- Anon
"Will last and with passion be fed."
But you'll find, Mr. Stover,
That the honeymoon's over,
When the bride lets her first fart in bed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0318
Was trying to follow the rule.
Yet his butt cheeks did part
And he let a fart,
And the teacher fell off of her stool.
--- Shelley
Let a horrible, fizzling fart.
Said the tart, "Now, m'lord,
I'm taking your word,
You did not follow through on the spot."
--- L1684
Its odours, it makes quite a smell.
Thus a fart's not abusive --
Indeed, it's inclusive
And enjoyed by deaf people as well.
--- H Myers TP9804
Was mouthing resplendent amens:
Alack and alas,
Betrayed by his ass,
His voice could be heard from both ends.
--- Armand E Singer 624
To my flatulent ill-mannered host,
I felt a deep rumble;
My bowel it did grumble,
And then my gas gave up the ghost.
--- Anon
On his lovely new wicker futon.
With a beer in his hand,
And his toes in the sand,
And he farts, right next to Dawn!
--- Anon
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings interior
Were clearly inferior
To the rumblings emitted by me.
--- Laurence Perrine P8509
Was well known for his grace, world around.
But even with class,
He controls not his ass,
So each fart makes a high Puget Sound.
--- Tom Patton P0209
The drinks kept on coming so fast.
I said to the hostess,
"I think you're the mostess."
She farted, which left me aghast.
--- Tom Patton P0302
Has just put his life on the line.
He's been in the shower
For more than an hour --
It's actually been about nine!
--- Anon
You'd think he was playing to a crowd.
He shouts, "Howzit hanging?"
Then there's some loud banging;
I think he is probably plowed.
--- Anon
The rooms here not being airtight --
Smell oozed out the door
Then pooled on the floor,
And gassed every person in sight.
--- Anon
Made sounds that would stop a parade.
"You just don't pass gas
In my English class,"
The teach said and lowered his grade."
--- Armand E Singer 837
Excluding her penchant to fart
At just the wrong time;
In The Guggenheim,
She gave the patrons quite a start.
--- Anon
Whose arsehole would bray like a trumpet.
Besides which gift, she
Had one art, repartee,
As tasty and crisp as a crumpet.
--- G1466
Your cunt is, and as for your rump, it
Is all out of tune!"
She laughed, "You baboon!
You don't like it? All right! You can lump it!"
--- G1467
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