While attempting to fart out the tune
Of "Everyone's Gone to the Moon",
When I hit a C-major,
It set off my pager,
Which lies hidden somewhere in my room.
--- F Ormatsee

So I thought I'd transpose it a key
But that hasn't worked, woe is me.
For on farting D-flat,
I freaked out the cat,
Which then went and puked in my tea!
--- F Ormatsee

There once was a Royal Marine,
Who tried to fart "God save the Queen."
When he reached the soprano,
Out came the guano,
His pants were not fit to be seen.

(Published 1879)
--- Norman Douglas L0720

There was a young Royal Marine
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
He reached a high note
Which loosened his "throat";
Now his pants will be tough to get clean.
--- Anon

There was a young Royal Marine
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
He reached a high note,
Heard in regions remote;
(Shit spattered on regions between).
--- Anon

This mean deviation from the mean,
He then showed his prick to the Queen.
As he pissed on guano
And with vox humana
Said: "Let's quit all this smoldering scene."
--- Pat Halogen

In bilateral talks with the Palace,
He blamed not himself, but old Alice.
"My greatest desire,
Was to quench the fire;
I did not make combustible out of malice.
--- Pat Halogen

Have you heard of Le Petomaine?
To pass normal gas he'd disdain.
On the Paris stage
He was all the rage;
No other dared challenge his rein.
--- Anon

He was an exceptionally arty,
The life of a number of parties.
But never, alas,
Invited to mass,
For he might have farted too hearty.
--- Anon

A German musician named Bager,
Spurred on by a very high wager,
Proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn octet in A-Major.

(Of a Mozart concerto in F Major)
--- Anon

So the fiddlers started to play
While Cager afarting away,
When to his dispair,
He ran out of air
At the upbeat to four after "A".
--- John Miller

To Cager this was quite a bummer.
His asshole was really a hummer.
Imagine his glee
When he found out that he
Had been farting the wrong Koechel number.

(Koechel number - organization of Mozart's works)
--- John Miller

The sphincter's an unruly thing;
A lifetime of study's the thing
For anal broadcasters,
Who wish to be masters,
And make the ass trill and sing.
--- H Welchel

But if you just need a quick grin
(For you, not for those you chagrin),
Insert a duck call --
It's sure to appall,
With outrageous droppings of chin.
--- H Welchel

Otherwise, get thee a glass,
Observing your reflected ass,
And patiently strain
And train once again,
Until even tones you can pass.
--- H Welchel

To modulate pitch is the trick --
The brain-ass connections limbic.
A musical hole
Needs cortex control.
It's cheating to tug on your dick.
--- H Welchel

Here's old Charlie Giggle, the vagrant,
With audible flatulence flagrant.
He'll fart, for a tanner,
The Star Spangled Banner,
And leave all the city unfragrant.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Jeez, I'm a forgetful old goat!
So here's that explanatory note:
A tanner's six pence;
Old style, that's 4 cents
(US); slightly more than a groat.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Another explanatory note
I think is required for "a groat".
Now wasn't that four
Pence (old Sterling) no more?
Or have I got the brains of a goat?
--- Peter Wilkins

That question on brains is rhetorical;
But seeing as groats are historical,
And older than tanners,
It's only good manners
I firstly consult the Ogg Oracle.
--- Peter Wilkins

You're right, and for once on the job,
And poling old Sal with my knob,
She said for a groat,
She'd suck on my choat,
But to swallow the jizz was a bob.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A bob, as you know, is a shilling.
And back then, most gals would be willing
To lower defence
For that small expense,
And give you a jolly good milling.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A man and his love in Kowloon
Soon found they could sing a new tune.
Drinking beer, both were farting,
But the notes they were charting
By the light of the silvery moon.
--- Anon

Next thing came contracts to go out,
Displaying their fart-songs, no doubt.
He would toot in low D,
She would rip in high C --
The "Ass-gas Symphony" was a blowout!
--- Anon

Sweet music, of all of the arts,
A balm to weary souls, imparts.
And Frank's little songs
Have long thrilled the throngs
With coughs, sneezes, burps, snores and farts.
--- Sister Christina

My dear, I don't burp but I belch
And only with gals who are Welsh.
It's not for this habit;
I'm known as the Rarebit,
But 'cause of the speed of my squelch.
--- SFA

A patriotic young city planner
Learned to fart in a musical manner.
His employees did stay
At attention each day,
While he farted the Star Spangled Banner.
--- Jim Menger P9204

He moved off to London one spring
And in London he did the same thing.
Except that by June
He'd learned a new tune
And now farted God Save the King.
--- Jim Menger P9204

Then at gambling he lost all his bets--
Fled to Spain to avoid all his debts.
He earns minimum wage
Farting tangos on stage,
Accompanied by four castanets.
--- Jim Menger P9204

A fellow with the surname of Art
Often dined at the deli in the mart.
Some thought he was crude
And very much lewd,
For he finished each meal with a fart.
--- Anon

I suffered a flatulent spell
And my lady-love's ardor soon fell.
It wasn't the odor,
She told me, that slowed 'er,
But the noises announcing the smell.
--- Norm Storer P9806

A crepitant person named Birch
Often farts right out loud during church.
Said the pastor, "Dear friend,
You'll be blessed in the end--
But it won't be an end without smirch."

(crepitant - making a cracking sound)
--- G1089

I once overheard a discussion
On the subject of anal percussion,
Those rim-shot retorts,
That put stains in your shorts,
As the wind from your rectum goes rushin'.
--- Wiley

This is file ecm

Involved in this heated debate
Was a chemistry student named Tate.
"Because of the stink,
A fart is, I think,
Just shit in its gaseous state."
--- Wiley

And I have to include this last item --
They've got to get out, so don't fight 'em.
Blast them out loudly!
Boast of them proudly!
If you are really brave, you can light 'em.
--- Wiley

A torpedoed seaman named Rowell,
Was flagging a ship with a towel.
As the rescuers started,
He excitedly farted,
And blew himself back to Rabaul.
--- G1444

An old man of Texas named Tanners,
Was notorious for his bad manners.
When he noticed the start
On an imminent fart,
He'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!
--- Woodrow Wilson L1588

When I thought of the duchess affair,
It suddenly struck me, "How rare
Are abnormal vitals
In ladies with titles,
So I'm glad, after all, I was there."
--- Anon

I dined next to the Crowned Princess Di,
And observed things soon going awry;
Her rumblings internal
Were something infernal,
And everyone thought it was I!

(which is more important, truth or grammar?)
--- Arthur Deex P9408a

I'll buy you sex toys by the cart,
And let you all play with my part.
So what say you, ladies?
Let's raise us some Hades
And ring in oh-oh with a fart!
--- Anon

There was an old man named Croup,
Who had lost all control of his poop.
While dining one day,
His old wife did say,
"Stop making that noise with your soup!"
--- Anon

Krakatau chose August, not June,
To compete with our H's great tune.
But the fart was much greater
Just one fortnight later;
An echo came back from the moon.
--- Anon

That's ludricous, John, I agree;
For the air is so dense near the sea,
That the sound waves lose force
Pushing air away; course
In a vacuum, it's speed is near c.
--- Anon

For there's nothing impeding the sound
As it echoes and thunders around
In the vacuum called space;
It's a noisy old place,
So I think I'll stay here on the ground.
--- Anon

According to Doctor Dewitt,
While physical law would admit
Interstellar dispersal
Of a gaseous reversal,
The sound travels slower than shit.
--- Anon

So shit's supersonic no less?
Well that's certainly true of our Bess;
For no sound can you hear
While she's straining her rear,
'Til you're hit with a warm sticky mess.
--- Anon

The professer, a guest on the coast,
Ordered breakfast of beans upon toast.
When he left for the station,
His loud eructation,
Embarrassed his well-meaning host.
--- Anon

Tom Hardy had ass well endowed
For making farts putrid and loud.
That's why he'd be found,
Creating that sound,
So far from the madd(en)ing crowd.
--- Anon

"My honeymoon," young Stover said
"Will last and with passion be fed."
But you'll find, Mr. Stover,
That the honeymoon's over,
When the bride lets her first fart in bed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0318

A little boy sitting in school
Was trying to follow the rule.
Yet his butt cheeks did part
And he let a fart,
And the teacher fell off of her stool.
--- Shelley

Lord Randall, on top of his tart,
Let a horrible, fizzling fart.
Said the tart, "Now, m'lord,
I'm taking your word,
You did not follow through on the spot."
--- L1684

When you body decides to expel
Its odours, it makes quite a smell.
Thus a fart's not abusive --
Indeed, it's inclusive
And enjoyed by deaf people as well.
--- H Myers TP9804

A star-crossed old priest from Vincennes
Was mouthing resplendent amens:
Alack and alas,
Betrayed by his ass,
His voice could be heard from both ends.
--- Armand E Singer 624

In the middle of making a toast
To my flatulent ill-mannered host,
I felt a deep rumble;
My bowel it did grumble,
And then my gas gave up the ghost.
--- Anon

Here sits a man named Ron,
On his lovely new wicker futon.
With a beer in his hand,
And his toes in the sand,
And he farts, right next to Dawn!
--- Anon

I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings interior
Were clearly inferior
To the rumblings emitted by me.
--- Laurence Perrine P8509

A fine gent from the west, name of Pound,
Was well known for his grace, world around.
But even with class,
He controls not his ass,
So each fart makes a high Puget Sound.
--- Tom Patton P0209

I went to a party, a blast!
The drinks kept on coming so fast.
I said to the hostess,
"I think you're the mostess."
She farted, which left me aghast.
--- Tom Patton P0302

The man in the room above mine
Has just put his life on the line.
He's been in the shower
For more than an hour --
It's actually been about nine!
--- Anon

He tromps hard and burps really loud;
You'd think he was playing to a crowd.
He shouts, "Howzit hanging?"
Then there's some loud banging;
I think he is probably plowed.
--- Anon

He's pootered and farted all night;
The rooms here not being airtight --
Smell oozed out the door
Then pooled on the floor,
And gassed every person in sight.
--- Anon

A flatulent schoolboy named Slade
Made sounds that would stop a parade.
"You just don't pass gas
In my English class,"
The teach said and lowered his grade."
--- Armand E Singer 837

Delilah was close to my heart,
Excluding her penchant to fart
At just the wrong time;
In The Guggenheim,
She gave the patrons quite a start.
--- Anon

There once was a Kensington strumpet
Whose arsehole would bray like a trumpet.
Besides which gift, she
Had one art, repartee,
As tasty and crisp as a crumpet.
--- G1466

So when her pa proved "a mere scumpit
Your cunt is, and as for your rump, it
Is all out of tune!"
She laughed, "You baboon!
You don't like it? All right! You can lump it!"
--- G1467