A girlfriend that's psychic I get
(I know her from surfing the 'net).
When she fathoms my prick,
On the trigger is quick,
She leaves me before we have met.
--- Echo

There is a wee guy named Propriety,
(Attached to me once by Society)
Who sits on my butt,
Restraining the smut,
That just might bespeckle my piety.
--- Anon

The many-eyed monster from Ryde
Had a mouth most incredibly wide.
But nobody cared --
Though he grimaced and glared,
He was really quite docile inside.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

A mind-reader picked up a gun;
Asked "Out of six chambers pick one.
Yet the bullet," he said,
"Won't be fired at my head."
To the dismay of some journalist scum.
--- Steve Grant

Adjustments are made East and West
By the wisdom of nature's power, lest
We forget our place.
She reminds us, with grace
That Mother's the one who knows best.
--- Doug Harris P0509

Those moonward howlings 'round here!
Near Mt Shasta, folks do act queer;
They hear alien growls
From the volcano's bowels,
"An offering! Pizza and beer!"
--- Anon

From the gurus: "That's paltry stuff!
The Mountain needs goods up to snuff;
Three virgins on ice!
A devout sacrifice!
May the ski lift get 'em up high enough!"
--- Anon

When they see a lenticular cloud,
"Spaceship!" They cry out aloud;
The wild Cosmic Crazies
Roll around in the daisies,
Hoping aliens'll abduct the whole crowd!
--- Anon

Please Wizardly wiz, a new spell.
The one you cast last week was swell.
I'll pay any price,
Just please melt this ice;
My ass hurs right here, where I fell.
--- Carol

A good skill to walk? Carol has lacked it,
And, thusly, the ice she has smacked it,
By falling (Poor goof!)
Down hard. Want some proof?
Well, look at her ass; she has cracked it.
--- Travis Brasell

I may be a goof, Travis dear,
But I've been walking many a year.
Perhaps 'twas the gum
Caused the fall on my bum,
And not the ice piling up here.
--- Carol

The Wiz really feels for you, lass,
And what you wish shall come to pass.
I'll remove the ice
And it would feel nice.
If, as payment, I could rub your ass.
--- Cyber Wizard

A rub on my ass would feel nice,
So for payment, I'll not think twice.
It's the least I can do
For a wizard like you!
It's snowing now, but there's no ice.
--- Carol

A decision has formed in my head
'Bout a book on the future that said
Nostradamus was right;
We're all dying tonight.
I stay home but I won't make my bed.
--- Eric Hinds

Puckish as midsummer's night's dream,
Teasing in a silver moonbeam,
The young nymphs and sprites
Dance in twinkling lights.
While we ancient asses lose steam.
--- Daniel Ford

A nymph, one of peace's proponents,
Never fights, but seduces opponents.
Their violence she'll quell
As if using a spell.
You should see her material components!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

To be healthy, wealthy and wise,
And have a dong of 'normous size.
You can't make it four?
Oh hell, what a bore,
Which of those gifts to excise?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Confronting a lecherous spirit,
Marie thought, "There's no need to fear it.
When wraith-wells orgasmic
Yield thick ectoplasmic
Soul-slime, I'll just slurp, swill and smear it."
--- Donald McGill

A palmist whose readings were fiction,
Was awed by her landlord's prediction:
"I won't have a qualm,
If you don't cross my palm
With the rent; you'll face certain eviction."
--- Larry Wilde

We can put it all down to Pandora,
Who opened that box filled with horror;
And left us to grope,
With that one thing called Hope,
To see us all through to tomorrow.
--- Tiddy Ogg

My muse is an adamant sprite,
That haunts me by day and by night.
If I hesitate
It bids me create,
By telling me, "Foolish one, write!"
--- Julia Strawn P8711

A feverish maid from Astoria
Was bothered by phantasmagoria.
Night after night
They gave her a fright,
And most of them came from Peoria.
--- Lims Unlimited

There once lived two elves in the trees,
Who made love 'midst the rustle of leaves.
With a prick like a pimple,
And a cunt like a dimple,
They screwed with the greatest of ease.
--- G0206

A gay young pixie named Pool
Was grinning just like a damn fool.
When I asked him why,
He winked and replied,
"I'm sitting on a toad's tool. (toadstool?)
--- Tim

Squire Tupham, the bailiff of Leith,
Buggers pixies who dwell on the heath.
But his runcible dong
Is so terribly long,
He urinates right through their teeth.
--- G0996

Tongues of mortals, of angels, of vermin --
The poltergeist, you will determine,
Understands none of these,
And so if you please,
To address him, you have to use German.
--- A N Wilkins P8710

A poltergeist know as O'Mally
Has the hots for a phantom named Sally.
They got in a trance,
And took off their pants,
And danced all night long in the alley.
--- Julia Strawn P8711

Said Molly just after she found
A zombie fresh out of the ground,
"His flesh may be rotten,
But still, he has gotten
A woody my slit fits around."
--- Randog

At a seance with W B Yeats,
He'd asked along several blind dates.
The table was rising,
It's hardly surprising,
He'd cracked open a packet of Mates. (condoms? - McW)
--- Kevin Hale Q

Clarice liked a silver-tongued spectre,
Who promised he'd sup on her nectar.
But as she got moister,
He chewed on her oyster,
Just like he was Hannibal Lecter.
--- Randog

Two skeletons under their stones
Were discussing the world in low tones.
One said, "No more grinning;
Up there, they're all sinning --
I can feel it, you know, in my bones."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A wizard of true eldrich sentience
Must spend centuries as an apprentice;
Which may help to explain
Why the sorcerers brain
Is so commonly Non Compos Mentis.
--- John M Ford P8211

An unfortunate person named Hector
Was plagued by a beautiful spectre.
She would wait for the dark,
And then, just for a lark,
She'd appear when he didn't expect her.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

This is file dzl

A cute little feminine spectre
Got scared when another spook necked her.
She gave such a start
That her bones fell apart,
And it took quite a while to collect her.
--- Don Augur P9210

Though live friends all think I'm a kook
For going to bed with a spook,
His mere ectoplasms
On me, trigger spasms
Like some sexual tactical nuke.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8711

A beachcomber, making her rounds,
Found a djinn in a flask. Holy Zounds!
Too bad djinn aren't Brit.
She left a small pit
Where she'd asked him for ten billion pounds.
--- H Welchel

Said a practical thinker, "One should
Help to kill superstition for good.
I, for instance, refuse
To observe the taboos
With immunity, so far, touch wood.
--- Frank Watson

Two dryads sent this billet-doux to us:
"How can we be sure that oak's true to us?
Unless our leaves fall,
We'll not please him at all.
Are we evergreens or deciduous?"
--- Anon

Betwixt and between you'll be torn;
You'll regret the day you were born.
So, take this advice,
Don't even think twice:
Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.
--- Ron Sartain

A very fat girl named Keller
Met up with a very nice feller.
Her stays started to buckle,
He started to chuckle,
My name, by the way's, Uri Geller.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

I wish for clear brilliant blue skies,
To win the top lottery prize!
A firm washboard tummy,
To be a good mummy,
But mostly I wish to be wise!
--- Jayne

With a Wizardly skill of great flair,
I'm transporting myself over there.
Your body I'll ravish
And lovingly have a sh-
Are of fine savoir-faire.
--- Cyber Wizard

At you my Great Wand I'll be shaking.
I'll wave It 'til your jaws are aching.
My Wandish effluvium,
Don't you dare remove. Yum!
But don't be, my Magic Heart, breaking.
--- Cyber Wizard

My crystal balls starting to rise,
I feel a Great Power of Thighs!
Through sparks and smoke incense,
I feel your lust, intense,
And sent this spell you'll recognise.
--- Cyber Wizard

A homely young shepherd named Lymph
By a spring once discovered a nymph.
When he asked, "Will you dance?"
She replied, "Not a chance --
Get your brother, I'd much prefer himph!"
--- S M Polonsky

There was a young elf from Tangiers
Who two big sticky-out ears.
He did try to master
His ears with some plasters,
But they pinged out and left him in tears.
--- Ananya

An elf liked to crawl underneath
A polar bear weaaring a wreath.
He said, "It's no wonder
I like to crawl under;
It's the part that's above has the teeth!"
--- Diane Christian

A lady who lives in Old Lime,
Committed a terrible crime.
She diddled herself
With the nose of an elf,
And whistled a waltz the whole time.
--- Norm Storer

There once was a little brown elf,
Who worked for the National Health.
He once fell in love
With a sugical glove,
And now sits up on the top shelf.
--- Ananya

Though Pearl has been left on the shelf
She's found comfort in Timmy the elf;
And what Timmy can't do
With his quarter-inch screw
She makes up for with 'do it yourself'.
--- Anon

It seems that my garden elves
Have been misbehaving themselves.
They have been up all night
Screwing little Snow White,
That I put between two wishing wells.
--- Bob Mornington

There once was a stitcher named Gelf
Who was visited once by an elf.
She awoke in the morn
And was terribly torn
To find her stitching finished itself!
--- Jill Spreenberg

When a girl wants a really good fuck,
She'll not want to leave it to luck.
Something etherial,
More than material...
She'll turn to an elf or a Puck.
--- Chris Kirchner

When a girl's hands drift down to her pussy,
Those idle hands making her juicy...
It's the Devil's workshop
Working up that sweet slop,
As she plays with the imps Loosey-Goosey.
--- Chris Kirchner

When a girl feels moist in her crotch,
You'd better be sure not to botch
The job she wants done,
Or next time, my son,
She'll fuck a stiff ghoul while you watch!
--- Chris Kirchner

A drunk Irishman who met an elf,
Said it looked very much like himself.
He has given up drink,
Doesn't care what friends think.
His Guinness will stay on the shelf.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

An earnest young lady named Soames
Wrote a very large book about gnomes;
But the tales were so tall
And the sales were so small,
She was left with the unwanted tomes.
--- Michael Palin

Where the deer and the antelope roam,
Is no place for a sexy young gnome;
She'll be spied very soon
By a wolf or baboon,
And just guess what comes next in this poem!
--- Mark Levy P9901

An old spinster outside Saint Jerome
Had a shameful affair with a gnome,
Who was so oddly hung
That she hid him among
All the junk in the cellar at home.
--- Keith MacMillan 50c

Young Jeremy Hiram Jerome
Had the hots for an innocent gnome;
Every day after dark,
He would go to the park,
And excitedly take it back home.
--- Peter Wilkins

And there he'd indulge in a sport
So disgusting, the jurors in court,
When his case came to trial,
Fainted dead in the aisle...
So I read in a Reuters report.
--- Peter Wilkins

A nasty young goblin from Crewe
Decided to build a canoe.
When out on the river,
He found, with a shiver,
He hadn't used waterproof glue.
--- Ananya

There once was a gnome from Peru
Who suffered a bad bout of flu.
He couldn't stop sneezing,
While coughing and wheezing,
And all he could say was "Athchoooo!"
--- Ananya

My neighbor, one Silas Jerome,
Is a fan of the cute garden gnome.
The neighborhood thugs
Shoot their ears off with slugs,
Which makes Silas's mouth start to foam.
--- Tony Burrell

His wife Agnes caused quite a storm,
Knitting ear-muffs to keep the gnomes warm.
Pattern understated,
But all amour plated,
So now their ear-holes don't get torn.
--- Tony Burrell

Now Agnes and her daughter Jen
Do lectures "Gnome Knitting and Zen".
They create wooly hats
And cute little spats,
With philosophy just now and then.
--- Tony Burrell

Though Aladdin had horniness chronic,
With girls, his affairs were platonic.
When his bullocks would cramp,
He would call for his lamp.
One could say that the Djinn was his tonic.
--- Anon