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A girlfriend that's psychic I get There is a wee guy named Propriety, The many-eyed monster from Ryde A mind-reader picked up a gun; Adjustments are made East and West Those moonward howlings 'round here! From the gurus: "That's paltry stuff! When they see a lenticular cloud, Please Wizardly wiz, a new spell. A good skill to walk? Carol has lacked it, I may be a goof, Travis dear, The Wiz really feels for you, lass, A rub on my ass would feel nice, A decision has formed in my head Puckish as midsummer's night's dream, A nymph, one of peace's proponents, To be healthy, wealthy and wise, Confronting a lecherous spirit, A palmist whose readings were fiction, We can put it all down to Pandora, My muse is an adamant sprite, A feverish maid from Astoria There once lived two elves in the trees, A gay young pixie named Pool Squire Tupham, the bailiff of Leith, Tongues of mortals, of angels, of vermin -- A poltergeist know as O'Mally Said Molly just after she found At a seance with W B Yeats, Clarice liked a silver-tongued spectre, Two skeletons under their stones A wizard of true eldrich sentience An unfortunate person named Hector A cute little feminine spectre Though live friends all think I'm a kook A beachcomber, making her rounds, Said a practical thinker, "One should Two dryads sent this billet-doux to us: Betwixt and between you'll be torn; A very fat girl named Keller I wish for clear brilliant blue skies, With a Wizardly skill of great flair, At you my Great Wand I'll be shaking. My crystal balls starting to rise, A homely young shepherd named Lymph There was a young elf from Tangiers An elf liked to crawl underneath A lady who lives in Old Lime, There once was a little brown elf, Though Pearl has been left on the shelf It seems that my garden elves There once was a stitcher named Gelf When a girl wants a really good fuck, When a girl's hands drift down to her pussy, When a girl feels moist in her crotch, A drunk Irishman who met an elf, An earnest young lady named Soames Where the deer and the antelope roam, An old spinster outside Saint Jerome Young Jeremy Hiram Jerome And there he'd indulge in a sport A nasty young goblin from Crewe There once was a gnome from Peru My neighbor, one Silas Jerome, His wife Agnes caused quite a storm, Now Agnes and her daughter Jen Though Aladdin had horniness chronic,
(I know her from surfing the 'net).
When she fathoms my prick,
On the trigger is quick,
She leaves me before we have met.
--- Echo
(Attached to me once by Society)
Who sits on my butt,
Restraining the smut,
That just might bespeckle my piety.
--- Anon
Had a mouth most incredibly wide.
But nobody cared --
Though he grimaced and glared,
He was really quite docile inside.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Asked "Out of six chambers pick one.
Yet the bullet," he said,
"Won't be fired at my head."
To the dismay of some journalist scum.
--- Steve Grant
By the wisdom of nature's power, lest
We forget our place.
She reminds us, with grace
That Mother's the one who knows best.
--- Doug Harris P0509
Near Mt Shasta, folks do act queer;
They hear alien growls
From the volcano's bowels,
"An offering! Pizza and beer!"
--- Anon
The Mountain needs goods up to snuff;
Three virgins on ice!
A devout sacrifice!
May the ski lift get 'em up high enough!"
--- Anon
"Spaceship!" They cry out aloud;
The wild Cosmic Crazies
Roll around in the daisies,
Hoping aliens'll abduct the whole crowd!
--- Anon
The one you cast last week was swell.
I'll pay any price,
Just please melt this ice;
My ass hurs right here, where I fell.
--- Carol
And, thusly, the ice she has smacked it,
By falling (Poor goof!)
Down hard. Want some proof?
Well, look at her ass; she has cracked it.
--- Travis Brasell
But I've been walking many a year.
Perhaps 'twas the gum
Caused the fall on my bum,
And not the ice piling up here.
--- Carol
And what you wish shall come to pass.
I'll remove the ice
And it would feel nice.
If, as payment, I could rub your ass.
--- Cyber Wizard
So for payment, I'll not think twice.
It's the least I can do
For a wizard like you!
It's snowing now, but there's no ice.
--- Carol
'Bout a book on the future that said
Nostradamus was right;
We're all dying tonight.
I stay home but I won't make my bed.
--- Eric Hinds
Teasing in a silver moonbeam,
The young nymphs and sprites
Dance in twinkling lights.
While we ancient asses lose steam.
--- Daniel Ford
Never fights, but seduces opponents.
Their violence she'll quell
As if using a spell.
You should see her material components!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And have a dong of 'normous size.
You can't make it four?
Oh hell, what a bore,
Which of those gifts to excise?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Marie thought, "There's no need to fear it.
When wraith-wells orgasmic
Yield thick ectoplasmic
Soul-slime, I'll just slurp, swill and smear it."
--- Donald McGill
Was awed by her landlord's prediction:
"I won't have a qualm,
If you don't cross my palm
With the rent; you'll face certain eviction."
--- Larry Wilde
Who opened that box filled with horror;
And left us to grope,
With that one thing called Hope,
To see us all through to tomorrow.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That haunts me by day and by night.
If I hesitate
It bids me create,
By telling me, "Foolish one, write!"
--- Julia Strawn P8711
Was bothered by phantasmagoria.
Night after night
They gave her a fright,
And most of them came from Peoria.
--- Lims Unlimited
Who made love 'midst the rustle of leaves.
With a prick like a pimple,
And a cunt like a dimple,
They screwed with the greatest of ease.
--- G0206
Was grinning just like a damn fool.
When I asked him why,
He winked and replied,
"I'm sitting on a toad's tool. (toadstool?)
--- Tim
Buggers pixies who dwell on the heath.
But his runcible dong
Is so terribly long,
He urinates right through their teeth.
--- G0996
The poltergeist, you will determine,
Understands none of these,
And so if you please,
To address him, you have to use German.
--- A N Wilkins P8710
Has the hots for a phantom named Sally.
They got in a trance,
And took off their pants,
And danced all night long in the alley.
--- Julia Strawn P8711
A zombie fresh out of the ground,
"His flesh may be rotten,
But still, he has gotten
A woody my slit fits around."
--- Randog
He'd asked along several blind dates.
The table was rising,
It's hardly surprising,
He'd cracked open a packet of Mates. (condoms? - McW)
--- Kevin Hale Q
Who promised he'd sup on her nectar.
But as she got moister,
He chewed on her oyster,
Just like he was Hannibal Lecter.
--- Randog
Were discussing the world in low tones.
One said, "No more grinning;
Up there, they're all sinning --
I can feel it, you know, in my bones."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Must spend centuries as an apprentice;
Which may help to explain
Why the sorcerers brain
Is so commonly Non Compos Mentis.
--- John M Ford P8211
Was plagued by a beautiful spectre.
She would wait for the dark,
And then, just for a lark,
She'd appear when he didn't expect her.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
This is file dzl
Got scared when another spook necked her.
She gave such a start
That her bones fell apart,
And it took quite a while to collect her.
--- Don Augur P9210
For going to bed with a spook,
His mere ectoplasms
On me, trigger spasms
Like some sexual tactical nuke.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8711
Found a djinn in a flask. Holy Zounds!
Too bad djinn aren't Brit.
She left a small pit
Where she'd asked him for ten billion pounds.
--- H Welchel
Help to kill superstition for good.
I, for instance, refuse
To observe the taboos
With immunity, so far, touch wood.
--- Frank Watson
"How can we be sure that oak's true to us?
Unless our leaves fall,
We'll not please him at all.
Are we evergreens or deciduous?"
--- Anon
You'll regret the day you were born.
So, take this advice,
Don't even think twice:
Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.
--- Ron Sartain
Met up with a very nice feller.
Her stays started to buckle,
He started to chuckle,
My name, by the way's, Uri Geller.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
To win the top lottery prize!
A firm washboard tummy,
To be a good mummy,
But mostly I wish to be wise!
--- Jayne
I'm transporting myself over there.
Your body I'll ravish
And lovingly have a sh-
Are of fine savoir-faire.
--- Cyber Wizard
I'll wave It 'til your jaws are aching.
My Wandish effluvium,
Don't you dare remove. Yum!
But don't be, my Magic Heart, breaking.
--- Cyber Wizard
I feel a Great Power of Thighs!
Through sparks and smoke incense,
I feel your lust, intense,
And sent this spell you'll recognise.
--- Cyber Wizard
By a spring once discovered a nymph.
When he asked, "Will you dance?"
She replied, "Not a chance --
Get your brother, I'd much prefer himph!"
--- S M Polonsky
Who two big sticky-out ears.
He did try to master
His ears with some plasters,
But they pinged out and left him in tears.
--- Ananya
A polar bear weaaring a wreath.
He said, "It's no wonder
I like to crawl under;
It's the part that's above has the teeth!"
--- Diane Christian
Committed a terrible crime.
She diddled herself
With the nose of an elf,
And whistled a waltz the whole time.
--- Norm Storer
Who worked for the National Health.
He once fell in love
With a sugical glove,
And now sits up on the top shelf.
--- Ananya
She's found comfort in Timmy the elf;
And what Timmy can't do
With his quarter-inch screw
She makes up for with 'do it yourself'.
--- Anon
Have been misbehaving themselves.
They have been up all night
Screwing little Snow White,
That I put between two wishing wells.
--- Bob Mornington
Who was visited once by an elf.
She awoke in the morn
And was terribly torn
To find her stitching finished itself!
--- Jill Spreenberg
She'll not want to leave it to luck.
Something etherial,
More than material...
She'll turn to an elf or a Puck.
--- Chris Kirchner
Those idle hands making her juicy...
It's the Devil's workshop
Working up that sweet slop,
As she plays with the imps Loosey-Goosey.
--- Chris Kirchner
You'd better be sure not to botch
The job she wants done,
Or next time, my son,
She'll fuck a stiff ghoul while you watch!
--- Chris Kirchner
Said it looked very much like himself.
He has given up drink,
Doesn't care what friends think.
His Guinness will stay on the shelf.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Wrote a very large book about gnomes;
But the tales were so tall
And the sales were so small,
She was left with the unwanted tomes.
--- Michael Palin
Is no place for a sexy young gnome;
She'll be spied very soon
By a wolf or baboon,
And just guess what comes next in this poem!
--- Mark Levy P9901
Had a shameful affair with a gnome,
Who was so oddly hung
That she hid him among
All the junk in the cellar at home.
--- Keith MacMillan 50c
Had the hots for an innocent gnome;
Every day after dark,
He would go to the park,
And excitedly take it back home.
--- Peter Wilkins
So disgusting, the jurors in court,
When his case came to trial,
Fainted dead in the aisle...
So I read in a Reuters report.
--- Peter Wilkins
Decided to build a canoe.
When out on the river,
He found, with a shiver,
He hadn't used waterproof glue.
--- Ananya
Who suffered a bad bout of flu.
He couldn't stop sneezing,
While coughing and wheezing,
And all he could say was "Athchoooo!"
--- Ananya
Is a fan of the cute garden gnome.
The neighborhood thugs
Shoot their ears off with slugs,
Which makes Silas's mouth start to foam.
--- Tony Burrell
Knitting ear-muffs to keep the gnomes warm.
Pattern understated,
But all amour plated,
So now their ear-holes don't get torn.
--- Tony Burrell
Do lectures "Gnome Knitting and Zen".
They create wooly hats
And cute little spats,
With philosophy just now and then.
--- Tony Burrell
With girls, his affairs were platonic.
When his bullocks would cramp,
He would call for his lamp.
One could say that the Djinn was his tonic.
--- Anon
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