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Arabian spirits, some claim, "Oh Genie," said Beatrice, "Heed. A couple were playing a game They went there to apologise, "This bottle that lies broken here, "The rules here are quite fundamental, The man said "A million plus bucks." "So maybe for an hour or two, They went at it, an hour or more, He said" Don't you find it naive, The genie's released, and the human, A flash. He awakes as his phallus You may think this tale's from the grave-o; I rubbed up this powerful genie; I rubbed up this powerful genie, I rubbed up this powerful genie, I rubbed up this powerful genie As tourists inspected the apse, A ghost who had no one to haunt There was an old house on a hill, There once was a girl ectoplasm, A dithery phantom named Fay Surely, earthbounds are apt to be quick Two spectres who screwed in a chasm Each night Father fills me with dread My house is well known 'cause it's haunted; In a castle on the North of Scottie There was an old lady of Rome, In a castle on England's south coast, Olivia lived all alone In the place that was once Storeyville, A gift was delivered to Laura, "To make love to a ghost would be neat," In a graveyard, the brave Mr Fleet A philosopher know for sarcasm, A guest in a houseold quite charmless, There once was an unhappy spectre, A ghost who rose up from a grave "Always take care of your head," A ghost still around an old house, A ghost in McMinneville does run If you're tired of dressing up formally, There once was a millionaire, Humes, A young spectre was dying to pair Moaned a ghost in a pub in Tralee, A lady the state of whose skin A ghost who was causing confusion There was a young man from the Coast, A highly-strung lady named Weems, Both Willie and Al stay undaunted "Can anyone here," Deacon Yost, In October a ghost may appear, The Necronomicon? You can't be shown one, Said Otto, the ghost of the castle, It is said that a fellow from Spitz An ugly knight deep in a trance, A young ghost from old Bangladesh, A charming young maid from McCook There once was a ghost named Paul, When walking, I know that my aim There once was a phantom named Pete, A psychic researcher's elation Submitting a polite request There once was a person so dead, The ghost of a timid young knight As played by the phantoms of Shrule,
Gamble recklessly and without shame
For incredible stakes
Like dissolute rakes.
Djinn rummy, of course, is their game.
--- A N Wilkins P8407
I do wish that I was a Swede."
A flash! A strange sound!
She's now in the ground.
I think she's a turnip, indeed!
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of golf, when the woman, young Jane,
Struck the ball quite askew,
And it rapidly flew
To a house window, smashing the pane.
--- Anon
A voice called "Hi there, come in guys.
Thanks be to thee,
For setting me free."
They stood open-mouthed, with wide eyes.
--- Anon
Had trapped me for two thousand years,
I'm a genie, you see,
So now there are three
Wishes to grant, but I fear...
--- Anon
This freedom was quite accidental,
So wish number three,
'S awarded to me,
Because your act had no intental."
--- Anon
Said Jane: "To stay young, that's the crux
Of my wish" "As for me,"
Says the genie, You see,
I've been 2k without any fucks.
--- Anon
Can I take you upstairs, and we'll screw,
I've gone through this chasm
Of years, sans orgasm."
She followed without more ado.
--- Anon
On the bed, in the shower, on the floor,
"How old's hubby, Jane?"
Says he, "Please explain."
She says "He's about twenty-four."
--- Anon
Your husband, now, what's his name, Steve?
Has grown to that age,
But is so far from sage,
That in genies he still will believe."
--- Anon
A male, has the spirit a-fumin'.
"You're all made the same,
Want money and fame,
And always a gorgeous young woman."
--- Anon
Withdraws from young Jackie Onassis
She says, "Come on, John,
It's time you were gone.
You've a motorcade down there in Dallas."
--- Anon
The original's scrawled in a cave-o.
Set in 1914,
With Franz and his queen,
And he's shot in old Sarajevo.
--- Anon
Said, "Make me an 18 inch wienie!"
But he got it scrod,
'Cause I'm now a hot dog;
That genie's a dope or a meanie.
--- Anon
Who simpered and said, "Oh, you meanie!
Don't call at this hour.
I was in the shower.
Your rubbing me is quite unseemly.
--- Marty TP9807
Who turned out to be gay and called Queenie.
I said, "Hi", then addin'
"Do you like Aladdin?"
He replied, "How big's this lad's weinie ?"
--- Anon
For a Latino - in or out of bikini.
So I said "For my wish -
Bring me an Italian hot dish!"
You guessed it - he brought me linguini!
--- Anon
An ominous series of raps
Came from under the altar,
Which caused some to falter
And others to shriek and collapse.
--- Edward Gorey
Decided to frighten his aunt,
But she said to him, "Pat,
You have gotten too fat,
So away with you, nephew! Be gaunt!"
--- Lims Unlimited
Whose shutters would never stay still.
They'd creak and they'd clang,
Then they'd shut with a bang--
Which caused many a moan from the sill.
--- Anon
Who kept all the guys in a spasm.
She tickled their fancy
And made them feel antsy,
But lacked what it took for orgasm.
--- Julia Strawn P8711
Got lost in a village near Bray.
Not used to her haunting,
Folk found it quite daunting,
When she stopped and asked them the way.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
To say spirits will not have a prick.
But a medium swears
That in all higher spheres
Ectoplasm can do the trick.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8710
Had a simultaneous spasm.
With a howl of despair
The invisible pair
Was splattered with ectoplasm.
--- G0548
When he sits on the foot of my bed.
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
But for seventeen years he's been dead.
--- Edward Gorey
The ghost walks every night; he's undaunted!
He tucks his head 'neath his arm.
Tourists cry in alarm.
Ghostie says "If you have it, you flaunt it".
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q
Is a ghost with a naked body.
He makes us all swoon
With his ghastly "full moon",
And his farts all come out spotty.
--- Anon
Who lived in an old catacomb.
When the ghouls came to play,
She'd keep them at bay
With an offer of SPAM in her home.
--- Mike O'Conner
With head 'neath his arm walks a ghost.
"Although it's immoral,
I like my sex oral,
A head here's more handy than most."
--- Anon
In a house that was made out of stone;
Her massive front door
Had a gothic decor,
And her bell had an ominous tone.
--- Cap'n Bean P0411
Ghosts in dishabille may be seen still.
The ladies assemble
And one does resemble
Faded photos of my Great Aunt Lil.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P9205
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah.
Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
--- Edward Gorey
Said Will, who was really in heat.
What he thought was a lass,
As he reached for her ass,
All he got was a handful of sheet.
--- Clarence E Boyle P8711 a
This is file dyl
Almost caught a real ghost by the seat.
When he grabbed for the rump,
Lightly draped o'er a stump,
All he got was a handfull of sheet.
--- Pierce Evans
Took a tart to his bed for orgasm.
He found to his horror,
He had a limp jarrer,
And denounced her as naught but phantasm.
--- G0749
Was informed its eccentic was harmless.
"If you're caught unawares
At the head of the stairs,
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
--- Edward Gorey
Who went by the first name of Hector.
While haunting one night,
He was given a fright,
And caught by our spirit detector.
--- Anon
Was told: "That's no way to behave!"
Said the spirit, "Why not?
Hell is crowded and hot,
And tends to corrupt and deprave."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
The ghost of my granny once said.
"While it's under your arm,
It can come to no harm --
But at night put it under the bed."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
A virgin whose flame wouldn't douse:
She possessed a cat,
But caught just a rat --
She'll howl at the moon for a spouse.
--- Anon
From house to the barn, where he's done.
It's always the same,
He goes where he came,
At dusk when there's almost no sun.
--- Matthew Montchalin
Consider behaving abnormally.
Cover up in a sheet
And wear clogs on your feet,
And groan like a ghost, paranormally.
--- Anon
Whose mansion had ninety-nine rooms,
'Till it burned to the ground,
Where his body was found;
Now his ghost, on the premises, looms.
--- Cap'n Bean
With a spirit who drifted round bare.
But despite his crude craving
To do things depraving,
He knew not with what nor in where.
--- David A Brooks Q
"Will you please show your ticket to me?"
So I did, and it went
Through the wall, quite content.
It was just an Inn-spectre, you see."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was a shame and a shock and a sin.
With horrified shrieks,
Tried to plug up her leaks,
But her insides just wouldn't stay in!
--- Beelzebub
By his very unwelcome intrusion
In a family's new home
He mistook for his own,
Said, "Sorry, I'm must an illusion."
--- Funfax Limericks
Who received a parcel by post.
It contained, so I heard,
A triangular turd,
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
--- L1390
Once caught a man in her dreams.
He vanished away
In the cold light of day,
But he left her some peppermint creams.
--- Michael Palin
In spite of proprieties flaunted.
They say, "Why not assume
Guests in Abe Lincoln's room
Weren't real? We all know the room's haunted."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704
"Confess having slept with a ghost?"
When questioned again
The meekest of men,
"I'm sorry, I thought you said GOAT."
--- A N Wilkins P8710
As the end of the month draws more near.
Because of Halloween
There are more of them seen
Than at all other times of the year.
--- Observer
While the libraries never will loan one.
But if it's so rare
And guarded with care,
Why does every nut case seem to own one.
--- Dennis Maggard
As he fiddled and fooled with his tassel,
"This chain-rattling's old;
With no clothes I catch cold.
What I need is a she-ghost to rassle."
--- G2099
Was frightened half out of his wits.
What caused such a fright
Was the sight in the night
Of a phantom with ninety-nine teats!
--- G0455
Bid a ghost to cool his hot lance.
A banshee instead
Screamed "I'm not that dead.
And ghost is the word for your chance!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Went out with a girl and got fresh.
Said she, "I don't mind
High spirits, you'll find,
But I won't have you come in the flesh."
--- John Ciardi
Was molested one night by a spook.
But such interaction
Brought no satisfaction --
'Twas unable to touch, only look.
--- Hugh Oliver A075B
Who went to a fancy-dress ball.
To shock all the guests,
He went quite undressed,
But the rest couldn't see him at all.
--- Anon
Is caused by the ghosts with my name.
Although I don't see
Where they walk next to me,
I know they are there, just the same.
--- Anon
Who never would play, drink or eat.
He said, "I don't care
For a Coke or eclair.
Can't you see that I'm dead on my feet?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was shattered by her situation.
She'd been heard to boast
That she'd slept with a ghost,
But she now had a phantom gestation.
--- Cyril Mountjoy
For ghosts to leave from your nest,
Exorcists say,
That if you don't pay,
You may then just get repossessed.
--- Val Burns P0510Q
He could not get this fact through his head.
He continued to roam
The rooms of his home,
While he rotted to pulp in his bed.
--- Beelzebub
Came into my bedroom one night.
When I sat up and wriggled
And squealed and giggled,
He fell out the window with fright.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Midnight football is eerie and cruel.
If one kicks a ghost
Past the other's goal-post,
He wins credit for scoring a ghoul.
--- Tony Butler
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