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Can't sleep if my back's to the room; (One's my clock, the other's the phone) There once was a young man from Fuggoth, A midget clairvoyant named Sarge No answer can hope to explain As she walked through the graveyard she paled I knew a young woman whose dreams An Egyptian prince was a dummy; While scrogging, they made such a lather, A ZOMBIE from far Zanzibar, There once was a zombie named Ned, A moldy old zombie from Leeds, Beware of the shuddersome ghoul, A phantasmagorical darky Under the covers in bed, Let's both get down under the covers. Those goulies, when searching to sup, And what do you think that will be? Oh No! The ghoulies are back! Forget about your witches gear, Those 38C's are first course; No ghoulies anywhere near; The ghoulies have feet made of clay; My goodness! That's not your head; Said Mary Anne, "Dave please don't slobber; Said Dave, "While it's true I'm a ghoul, A ghoul on a bridge gave a shiver; The fairy banshee moans and moans, Schizophrenic, I admit I am not; Why'd that world-famous sleuth, Sherlock Holmes, You're assuming because I'm a lass, Watch out for this fairy you mock. The fairies and elves used to roam What happens when one of them marries? A funny young fairy named Flossy The fat little fairy went pop! A fat little fairy called Honey Two fairies were flitting one day There was a young fairy from Norwich, There once was a sweet little fairy A fairy tale, not of the old school: She kicked him then, right in the crotch. There's a fairy on top of our tree, A homely young maid from Mt Airy, Though John Milton was clearly aware (Paradise Lost, VIII, 620-629)
Undertakers in Erin have dreams A family that I once knew, There are two kinds of spirits, I find, There once was a young man named Sean Small Will had an end that was tragic, The maiden thought true love she'd found, I'm handsome and clever and coarse. The Cat's disappeared from his tree; On Friday, November thirteen, A wizard, by blowing a bubble, A girl who was born with a caul I know this wee fat bloke named Cupid; Never again shall I hunt The ghost of Emanuel Fred, Near the front at Liege, a young whore There once was an elf named Fred, As my boat moved away from the wharf, In magical fantasy land, 'Twas Tolkien's habit with a HOBBIT Jesus Christers, more rightly than wrongly, There once was a pale frail of Augusta,
The noises scare me in the gloom.
I see two red eyes;
I don't realize
They are not the portents of doom.
--- Anon
What's that rattle? Is it from a bone?
A skeleton's there
In my rocking chair.
These beasties won't leave me alone.
--- Anon
Who fell deeply in love with a sluggoth.
He tried to make time,
But was foiled by the slime,
And so told the sluggoth to fuggoth.
--- Jim Goldfrank
Escaped from the prison, they charge.
The headline I read
In the newspaper said,
"Be cautious! Small medium at large!"
--- Hugh Clary
This weird enigmatical drain.
Seen only at night,
It emits aa strange light,
And gurgles with dreadful disdain.
--- Beelzebub
On confronting a presence that wailed,
"I AM THE GRIM RAPER!"
But this weird bit of vapor
Proved too limp so he utterly failed.
--- John Miller 0154
Would stalk the night streets of Orleans,
Leaving trails of ichor
Which confused the Vicar
Who vanished with blood-curdling screams.
--- Dave D Rahbari
Drank too much, became a rummy.
When the Grim Reaper came,
And called out his name,
He cried and he wailed for his Mummy.
--- Anon
They did not see the approaching cadaver.
It strangled the chick,
Made a meal of his dick,
The man said, "You may as well have her."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Said, "Madam, if hubby you'd bar,
Or otherwise vex,
For illicit sex,
This pin-sticking doll should go far."
--- Chris Papa
Who hated the fact he was dead.
He'd wander the night
Giving everyone fright,
While looking around for his head.
--- Renee Morecombe
Said that brains are just all that he needs.
Whether human or cow,
He's not picky on how
On all sorts of cadavers he feeds.
--- Snaggletoth
Who prowls in the night, as a rule.
If he gives you a fright
With his grim apetite,
You'll have had your last lesson in school!
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Was enthralled by the Ghoul Hierarchy.
She arranged a spectacular
Just for Count Dracula,
Celebrating her menarche.
--- G2309
Trembling with terror and dread
Of bumps in the night.
Pray for daylight.
If the ghoulies want you, then you're dead!
--- Karen
It's there, if I could have my druthers,
We'd hide from those ghoulies
('Neath the bed is for foolies)
And there wouldn't be room for the others!
--- Archie
Are confused by a noisy lewd tup.
And so while they stalk,
We will just talk
About the first thing to come up!
--- Archie
Oh Ho! Now I'm starting to see.
A little love bite
Then another one might
Be enough to confuse a ghoulie.
--- Karen
Well, we'll have a midnight snack.
Come under the covers;
You get your druthers;
Ghoulie or love bite attack?
--- Karen
It'll be off as soon as I'm near.
Mine is all off too,
Under covers with you.
I'll turn on this torch I found here!
--- Archie
I'll nibble without any force.
But there is no rush;
I've just found your bush.
It's real, not a merkin of gorse.
--- Archie
If we keep this up, my dear,
All the night through...
Oh! That ought to do.
Try it again over here!
--- Karen
(Those that have feet anyway).
To be sure they leave,
I've a trick up my sleeve.
Now let's see if that's a toupee.
--- Karen
But it's big and its hair is all red.
So long and so wide,
No wonder ghouls hide.
Not me; I am fascinated.
--- Karen
You're making a mess on me, cobber!
And as I'm jail bait,
You'll just have to wait
Till I'm dead, you ghoulish grave-robber."
--- David Miller
I'm discrete and I'm seldom a fool;
Yet one glimpse of the can
Of the live Mary Anne,
Sets me off and I can't stop the drool."
--- John Miller
His lips gave a twitch and a quiver.
When he started to cough,
His legs rotted off,
And his ass floated off down the river.
--- John Miller
For she's known for her musical groans.
She wails in B sharp,
Like a dyspeptic harp,
Winning prizes for anguished octones. (??)
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
It's species confusion I've got.
I think I'm a faerie,
Not an elf, which is very
Disturbing, when I've drunk a lot.
--- Cheryl
Find all crimes elementary? Tomes
By Sir Art Conan Doyle
Don't reveal what did foil
Crooks -- lots of faeries and gnomes!
--- Prof M-G T9711
With wings and eyes green as grass,
That I'm missing some parts.
Wrong, I let smelly farts,
And my twat ain't my only crevasse.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He's the baddest I know on the block.
With one breath of his voodoo,
I swear he could make you
As worthless as the sperm in your sock!
--- Anon
In an endless search for a home.
They all left the wood
When they found that they could
Live in Gotham and become "metrognomes."
--- Bill Edwards P9111
This is file dal
The report on the little folk varies.
But whatever you hear,
There's one thing that's clear.
They have kids even though they are fairies.
--- A N Wilkins P8710
Was sometimes unbearably bossy.
She'd order a gnome
To clean up her home,
And make everything shiny and glossy.
--- Ananya
As she gobbled her last chocolate drop.
The blast blew her over
The hills and the clover;
She landed right back in the shop!
--- Ananya
Would go out and spend all her money.
She'd buy lots of cakes
And cocolate milkshakes
And she'd fill up her fat little tummy.
--- Ananya
In the meadow where they liked to play.
When the male made a pass
At the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
--- John Miller 0024 a
Who had a great passion for porridge.
Her oats she would roll
With her wand or a pole
And put the left-overs in storage.
--- Ananya
Whose armpits were terribly hairy.
She wore real long sleeves
Made out of green leaves,
And the caterpillars all became wary.
--- Ananya
Frog, changed by a kiss to a fool.
"I'm sorry my dear,
I'm rampantly queer.
I'd much rather sit on a toad's tool."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And said, "You mean I can just watch
You and some horny toad
Just screw and explode?
Oh Hell -- where's my bottle of scotch!"
--- Marlene Lewis
Who looks strangely familiar to me.
That isn't a fairy --
It's Julian Clary!
Well I never! Good heavens! Blow Me!
--- Kevin Hale Q
Was touched by the wand of a fairy,
But something went wrong,
And her face got so long,
That now she is frightfully scary.
--- Limber Limericks
Of the sex life which angels all share,
He does not give a clue
About how they screw,
Nor whether they have pubic hair.
--- A N Wilkins P8602
Of employing free banshees in teams
And assigning them beats
In neighborhood streets
To drum up more trade with their screams.
--- A N Wilkins P8710
In their house, had a poltergeist, who
Was black; how'd we know?
When he started to throw
Things around he would yell, "Jig-a BOO!"
--- Ochee Chornya P8711
That have constantly troubled mankind.
One comes in a bottle
And pulls out your throttle;
The other is all in your mind.
--- Laurence Perrine P8711
Whose wish from a sly leprechaun,
To be surrounded by dough,
Was his ambition, and so,
In six months he was born as a fawn.
--- Tinbender
When Jill tried to thrill him with magic.
She started her spell;
Will started to swell,
Till he burst with a gush hemorrhagic.
--- Annie Jay
When a handsome young centaur came 'round.
But one roll in the hay
And he trotted away;
He was just horsing around.
--- Equidog A
I'll fool you and take you by force.
The centaur's my pick.
Beware of my kick.
And yes, I am hung like a horse.
--- Anon
He started to fade about three,
Except for his smile
Which lingered awhile,
And a hairball we all can still see.
--- John Miller
The clairvoyants of Madingley Green
Were forced to abandon
The meeting they'd planned on,
By circumstances unforeseen.
--- CeeJay
Turned everything single to double;
And what there were two of
He made something new of,
Which caused great confusion and trouble.
--- Limber Limericks
Could prophesy fit to appall.
She shrieked out, "Cemented!"
They thought her demented,
Till her dad bricked her up in a wall.
--- Beelzeebub TP9804a
Sometimes he's incredibly stupid.
He'll groan and he'll grunt,
He's a real Cupid stunt,
'Cause he'll jump of a cliff for just two quid!
--- Jayne
With arrows so hopelessly blunt!
I aimed for the heart
Of that fickle young tart!"
Said Cupid who hated the cunt.
--- Marty TP9807
Who, for twenty-four years had been dead,
Appeared every night,
To his widow's delight,
At the foot of their maplewood bed.
--- Cap'n Bean P0305
Entertained a GI on the floor.
He went on his way,
And she learned the next day
That he'd been killed two days before.
--- A N Wilkins P8701
Whose house was of gingerbread.
Though tasty, these walls
Dissolved in snowfalls,
And also made crumbs in Fred's bed.
--- Christine Brim
My friend slowly turned to a dwarf,
So I quick turned around,
And, returning, I found
Him resuming his natural morph.
--- Laurence Perrine P8303
Where hobbits and fairies all band,
You might make a wish
Or meed talking fish:
Something adults won't understand.
--- Maggie
To describe each morsel and gobbet;
When Bilbo Baggins
Did search for dragons,
He only hoped of rings to rob it.
--- Daniel Ford
Are opposed to Black Magic quite strongly.
So isn't it odd
That they worship a god
Who is, strictly speaking, a zombie!
--- Anon
So neurotic that everything fussed her,
And she longed for the good
Kind magician who would,
With a wave of his wand, readjust her.
--- Keith MacMillan A037B
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