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The warning came straight from the preachers, As a kid I recall that Claude Rains An olde Werewolf, one Yanish Ballew, He carefully recited the verse There once was a girl with a coat A killer who howled at the moon, Silver bullet's make werewolves kaput! A buxom young woman named Mary A werewolf was skinny, a freak; Lon Chaney once met Mister Hyde, The Wolfman eventually replied And what of your trousers, perchance are There once was a wolf that was were; It is an unusual sensation, A witch named Malevolent Nell A hungry old Gypsy named Faye Come closer, my Dear, if you dare, A "Hexer" I am, yes, that's true. There once was a witch from St. Rose A nasty old witch named Lucille A crochety witch in Khartoum Its Friday, the thirteenth as well; There was an old lady named Jean, There once was a young man from Kent, A man, while drinking light Bud A lass named Abibail Nixon A most inauspicious occasion A little green witch in my closet, There once was a horrible witch Old Cupid, that sonofabitch A witch who was burned at the stake, There lived a witch in a dark palace, One look from the ill-tempered Linda, Three boys broke into the old house, Because I will cook a nice stew They used to be husband and wife; Well, at least, when your car throws a rod, There once was a Halloween cat, The man was bewitched by a witch. There once was a nasty old witch, I wanted to turn into toads The sisters of lust, they will taunt -- A horny old Gypsy named May There once was a man from Nantucket, A scholarly witch named Louise I'm haunted by covens of witches Her spouses head totally bare, Down in the Pit of Despair, A witch had a daughter, Vendetta, The wizard, the moment he smelled her, A female magician, a blonde, After abstinence of half a year, I went to Witch Hazel's Sex Coven, Old Charlie, a genetic diluter, I felt me a need for some lovin' They're no longer burning in Salem. At cooking, I'm doing quite well, A witches pentagonal pussy There was a witch who rode in a brougham, A wiccan was called Screamingwitch, In moments the witch hour will strike, You think I descend from a goat? I'm a witch and I'm ready to leave, The Halloween witch was frenetic. A little bat wing in the stew, There was a wild witch of the West There was a small store at the mall,
Of hairy night-prowling mean creatures,
With fiery red eyes
And weird howling cries,
That you'll know by their wolf-like wild features.
--- Bob Birch
Grabbed up one of his silver head canes;
Clubbing with it 'til spent,
To eternal peace sent
Young Lon Chaney by bashing his brains.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
Had regressed to his childhood it's true,
To the point where the pack
Was quite taken aback.
When attacking he'd howl, "Bites on you!"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
To halt his dread werewolf curse.
He didn't do well,
As you plainly can tell,
For now his curse works in reverse.
--- Tinbender
That looked like the fur of a goat.
She would go for a walk,
And find someone to stalk,
Then pounce and rip out their throat.
--- Maggot T9707
Exclaimed, one dark night in June,
"Indulge in trite rhymes,
Concerning my crimes,
And I'll scrape out your brains with a spoon."
--- Darrell Schweitzer P9506
So a few in John's gun have been put.
And with some good luck
While aiming at duck,
He will shoot himself plum in the foot.
--- David Miller
Made love with a man who was hairy.
When the full moon came up,
She gave birth to a pup,
But to nurse him was just too darn scary.
--- Bob Birch
With a huge gummy grin he did speak.
"Never eat French,
'Cause as well as the stench,
Your teeth will fall out in a week!"
--- Anon
Who had the poor fellow tongue tied.
When Hyde asked "Is that hair
That you wear, wash and wear?
Or do you wear wolf just inside?"
--- Anon
I wash my hide, Hyde, just in Tide.
I'm a wash and wear wolf,
Though I say so my sulf,
My hide is a great source of pride.
--- Anon
They off somewhere hiding? Please answer.
For coming up soon,
We will see a full moon.
If you can't explain now, where your pants are.
--- Anon
His lifestyle, so free that was care.
But no silver missile
Ensured his dismissal --
Done in by a hug that was bear.
--- Arthur Deex
As your DNA undergoes mutation.
As your limbs rearrange,
Your perspective seems strange,
As you head toward animalization.
--- Tinbender
Was trying to cast a bad spell,
But somehow her curse
Went into reverse--
It was she who upended in Hell.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Had a client who just wouldn't pay.
She cast him a spell;
He started to jell,
And went well with bananas that day.
--- Jarmo
And give me of your golden hair.
A wee little curl
And a tooth like a pearl,
Then I'll scare you to death; Lo! Beware!
--- Anon
But listen, I'm not 'mong the few
Who need Brocken-nights
To give you men frights;
At home I stir black magic brew.
--- Anon
Who hated the wart on her nose.
"I think you will find
That true love is blind,"
Said her date, a gnome with three toes.
--- Treva Myatt
Decided some children to steal.
But their video games
Blew her brain into flames.
Now she can't keep her broomstick on keel.
--- Jarmo
Was highly incensed at her broom:
"You've lost all your speed,"
She said to her steed,
"Get busy and sweep out the room."
--- Limber Limericks
We are all on our way to hell.
What do I hate?
I'll tell you mate,
Those witches and warlocks can't spell.
--- Anon
Who thought late October was keen.
She'd straddle a broom
And run 'round the room,
To celebrate Halloween.
--- Cyber Geezer
Whose postings were maleficent.
He claimed he was bright,
But he soon saw the light;
As a lamp he became incandescent.
--- Tinbender
Crashed his car with a sickening thud.
The car that he hit
Had a Warlock in it.
Now he lives as a frog in the mud.
--- Tinbender
Messed up with the spell she was mixin'.
Her faux pas ruined the brew
And fox paws she then grew,
As she quickly changed into a vixen.
--- Tinbender
Did ravage a witch's conjuration.
She put crabs in her brew
And some eye of newt too,
Then she choked on her own incantation...
--- Anon
While claiming that she did not cause it,
Just cackles with glee,
At grumpy old me,
Who's scrubbing some smelly deposit.
--- Anon
Who fell on her head in a ditch.
She brushed off the dust
But was slightly concussed,
And muddled up which spell was which.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Obviously gives you that itch.
May I be of assistance
In scratching? Resistance
Is futile, cause I am a witch...
--- Anon
A terrible cursing did make.
She looked at the priest,
Made the sign of the beast,
And that night he drowned in the lake.
--- Anon
Who acted with unequaled malice.
Thus the fair queen
To whom she was mean
Sprouted an unsightly phallus.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
An inch of plate steel wouldn't hinder.
On one of those days,
Her grim, ghastly gaze
Could reduce the whole world to a cinder.
--- Virge
This is file drl
Whose owner had left to carouse.
They found a spell book
And they just had to look;
They left as a dog, goat and grouse.
--- Tinbender
Of magic and pieces of you,
I will add some red wine,
so it may taste real fine;
Come eat without further ado!
--- Anon
Now he's finally out of her life.
Why does the witch care
If he has an affair,
With her next-door-neighbor, Anne Fyfe?
--- Anon
You can get a new engine, but, Gawd!
The exhaust manifold
On a witch costs much gold;
Hope her farts don't ignite, burning straw!
--- Anon
Who lived in an old witch's hat.
She ate eye of kid,
Lapped up tongue of squid,
And the teensy small toes of the bat.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest
He cried out, "She has put a hitch,
In my get-along!"
That's not all that's wrong --
She gave him a case of jock itch.
--- Anon
Who developed a genital itch.
And what's even worse,
She then got the curse,
Which, for a witch, is a switch.
--- Sylvia Honig
Lots of people, in fact loads.
I asked witch advice,
But they were not nice,
Dressed up in their gucci robes.
--- Anon
Those succubi who will haunt
Your dreams night and day
In every which way,
And do all perversion you want.
--- Arden
Had a stud for a client one day.
She said, "Look in my eyes..."
Then did hypnotise.
That boy's still her toy to this day.
--- Jarmo
Who was poaching fish near Pawtucket.
He found himself wishing
To spend his life fishing,
And wound up in his minnow bucket.
--- Tinbender
Wrote her spells in obscure Portuguese.
When told this was odd,
She replied with a nod,
And translated them into Chinese!
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
(Lacivious naked young bitches).
On closing my eyes,
They materialize
And cause havoc inside of my britches.
--- Peter Wilkins
Jeannie grew tired of the glare.
Though he still walks on two,
The wish that she blew,
Made her Jeannie with the light brown hare.
--- Tinbender
Young Danny, he got a big scare.
A witch told him, "Soon,
You'll look like a baboon,
And live with a travelling fair."
--- Anon
Whose witchcraft could be a lot better.
She lived in a well;
Liked music of Ravel;
She's just like her mum, a go-getter.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q
Fell in love with the witch Esmerelder,
And obsessed with the notion,
Tried to copy her potion,
But his formula failed -- it repeled her.
--- Cyber Geezer
Would do tricks with any man's wand.
She'd sit on his spear,
Make it disappear,
Emerging a thin bendy frond.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I could fuck every dick that comes near.
If he wonders about
Eagerness, I would shout:
"Mating season for witches, my dear!"
--- Anon
For thirteen nights of heated lovin'.
I asked, "How'd your twat
Get so very hot?"
Said Hazel, "My microwave oven!"
--- Travis Brasell
Built a lover with his new computer.
He cloned, through a flaw,
His mother-in-law,
And now has a witch as a suitor.
--- Bob Tucker
So I joined me a neat witches coven.
I was number thirteen
And new, young, and clean.
My god! So much pushin' and shovin'!
--- Anon
The neighbors don't want to inhale 'em.
The judge, forsooth, saying
"Next time for soothsaying,
We'll hang or to crosses, we'll nail 'em.
--- Irving Superior P850A
But don't ask me to cast a spell.
They come out all wrong
And they take far too long;
My food is the best way to Hell.
--- Anon
Is known to make men lecher-oosy.
But fallout is dire
When stoking hellfire,
And hag-humping frightens this wussy.
--- Randog
And not on the stick of a broom.
She cried: "Kiss my sweet ass,
Because I've got class,
And a chauffeur I've named Boom-Boom!"
--- William K Alsop Jr
One night she fell into a steaming ditch.
She didn't recover
Until all the other
Wiccans went down on the creaming bitch.
--- Talesin
And the way things are here, I don't like:
The whole day may pass
Without one piece of ass,
And the witch I am with is a Dyke.
--- John Miller
Or she of whom T Pratchett wrote?
That witch loved her booze,
And Pratchett gives clues,
That she'd also known many a choat.
--- Anon
Trick or Treating on All Hallows Eve.
I will not be scared,
And the candy's not shared;
If I eat it all, I will heave!
--- Courtney Mahler T9710
She feared it was something genetic.
They tested her sugar
And found a big booger;
The ruled she is snot diabetic.
--- Bob Tucker
An elephant's testicle, too.
Some hair of the dog,
A crocodile's log,
And I have made dinner for you!
--- Anon
Who thought that her spells were the best.
So she challenged her friend
To a duel to the end.
'Twas a spelling bee laid her to rest.
--- Anon
Far down a little-used hall.
If your life needs a change,
You might find it strange;
Spells-R-Us will answer the call.
--- Tinbender
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