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Said Dracula, "I have this thing Said Dracula, "One thing annoys There once was a man slim and fair, The vampire said, giving a sneer, My uncle, who slept in a coffin, There was an old vampire named Nick, Drac's wife gnashed her fangs as she said, There once was a vampire named Bud, Don't choose Naples if you want to meet A vampire, who sadly wore braces, There once was a young vampire sprout, Velma Vampire had snoozed hours away, A vampire whose teeth were too long, A virile vampire from Fakenham When Dracula looks for a wife, A vampire, who sadly wore braces, In taprooms, where ghouls brood all year, There was a gay vampire with pluck, Out to central Europe I drove, The vampire hunter who'd kill a There once was a vampire named Al Young Sybil, a town council clerk, Ma nodded and then she cried: "Sybil! "Oh ma, it's that strange new librarian, So Syb tells his tale with much sobbin', "He now spent his leisure time clubbing, "He told me his real name was Vlad, Next morning the mother does wake, So that is the genuine account Young Sybil now wears a gold choker; My cat was so warm and so bold, His eyes now resemble red coals; Vampira came to me last night What color was it before Though surely it was in bad taste, At bad taste, our John is the best. Though the youthful and lusty Miss Bount And while she was down there, fear Dracula's appetite's like a horse, If you're one of the fine folks he knows, Bloodsucking's a bit of a pain; To get in a vampire/verse mood, I necked every lady I wooed.
For chasers what Miller Lite brewed. Lugosi, his grave-site I strewed.
Now that vampire penguins are here, Vampire penguins do not exist. Vampires never grow old; Just look at their picture and see, (you for tea and tea for you, it's me for you ..sorry - McW)
A werewolf who called himself Hugh There was an old werewolf named Mark, When the full moon is giving its glow, The full moon hangs high in the sky. Is that the full moon I see? There once was a werewolf named John Than fiction, this true story's stranger. There was a young student named Clarke, Some men, when a full moon they see, All Hallow's Eve is so scary, On vacation, a young man from Slough, A werewolf whose name was Malone On the Moors, Kelly walked in a daze; When a feminist had an affair There once was a werewolf named Moore, If you think werewolves don't exist, A werewolf's young wife would harangue A snazzy young lass named of Sadie In movies the Wolfman would impress;
About Ireland and traveling The Ring.
They have this Emerald Isle
Which should bring a big smile,
But Peg O' My Heart's all they sing."
--- Tom Patton P0506
Some vampires and dampens their joys,
For most are straight-laced
About sexual taste
And are outraged that I prefer boys."
--- A N Wilkins P9010
Whose blood type was exceedingly rare.
His vampire lover said
As they lay snuggled in bed,
Your taste is sweet beyond compare.
--- Wolfsbride
"I'll tell you why nobody's here:
My friends have gone down
To a graveyard in town
In search of another cold bier."
--- Norm Storer P9507
Would many a maiden's heart soften
With old country charm,
Then lead them to harm.
He craved virgin's blood much too often!
--- Darrell Schweitzer P0502
Who was in the head, a bit thick.
He wiffled and waffled,
He diffled and daffled,
And ended up staked with a stick.
--- L D Steele
"In the 600 years we've been wed,
Since you gave up all sex
In your mad thirst for necks,
I take eager Igor to bed."
--- Ann Gasser P9010
Whose grave was down deep in the mud.
"It's become such a bitch
To get out of this ditch,
I should give up this damned taste for blood!"
--- Frank Ward P9309
Any vampires, because the retreat
From the air of the city.
It isn't for pity
But for all of the garlic folks eat.
--- A N Wilkins P9010
Would frequent the most sordid places.
A 'vestite', you see,
Most known commonly
As a lace-wearing leech that sucked faces.
--- Rick Limer T9710
Whose fangs were all twisted about.
He said, "I am starving
From this inside-out carving,
'Cause I put in more blood than get out!
--- King Ralph
In her crypt in her coffin all day;
For night's first bite she quaffed
Type "O" and then laughed,
For dessert, I just must have type "A."
--- Ann Gasser P9010
Lisped his bite was surely quite wrong.
He'd bite underwear,
Then he'd spit and he'd swear,
"I'd give my eyeteeth for a thong!"
--- Marlene Lewis
Chased virgins with the object of making 'em.
He got down on all fours
And pulled down their drawers,
And then rammed his penile stake in 'em.
--- Anon
He eternally runs into strife;
A kiss on the neck
Leaves his darling a wreck.
The undead are just too antilife!
--- Robert Elliot
Green socks, blue shoes, and pink laces,
Plus a polka-dot shirt,
A silk mini-skirt,
And earrings in all the wrong places.
--- Rick Limer T9712
The vampire roars with a sneer,
"My taste doesn't vary--
A fresh bloody Mary!"
While zombies moan, "We'll have a bier."
--- Mark Levy P9506A
Who was a bit down in his luck.
He spied a cute lad
Willing to be had,
But wondered which end he should suck!
--- LOWCOO T9712
Through Romania, the small byways wove.
I slept in a tent
And awoke with a rent
In my neck; I had no garlic cloves.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Sly one should consider Camilla.
Unscrupolous, black-
Hearted (more so than Drac-
ula mixed with Charybdis and Scylla).
--- Ruth Berman P8211
Who joked and laughed with a gal.
Then with little regard,
She squealed, "Al, you card,
You slay me!" And he said, "I shall."
--- Don Moore P9010
Came late home one night, after work.
And said "Sorry mother,
That old crow Fairbrother,
Done made me work late, the dumb jerk."
--- Tiddy Ogg
It's no good to lie, any fib'll
Soon show, and by heck,
Just look at your neck!
Some lecher's been having a nibble!
--- Tiddy Ogg
He's Slovak or maybe Hungarian,
And some of these nights
When moonlight shines bright,
He turns to a hairy barbarian.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Cause Ma won't allow any fobbin'.
"He worked for the RAF,
Then just for a laugh,
Went thieving... He's batman and robbin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And changed his career, choice to grubbing
For rodents and pests,
As one of the best;
His interests were ratman and pubbing.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And how he was terribly sad,
And then", Sybil told her,
"With head on my shoulder,
He gave me that bite there, real bad."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Goes off to the butcher, Old Jake,
She buys her some beef,
Then the town hall; the chief
Librarian's soon felled by that steak.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of Dracula, vampire-style count.
No doubt what you've heard
Is much more absurd,
But with telling, such errors do mount.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She married a wizard at poker.
Unlike the librarian,
This stud she's a-marryin',
Oft covers her ace with his joker.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But now he is clever and cold.
A bat tried to fight him;
A vampire did bite him,
And now he will never grow old.
--- Matthew Montchalin
He baits mice right out of their holes.
He slinks through the night
And shrinks from daylight;
He act as if he has nine souls.
--- Matthew Montchalin
And gave me a blow job, all right!
The sheets were not stained
But my pecker was drained --
In fact, it is now snowy white!
This is file dsl
Being sucked by this vapiritic whore?
It's not that I'm gay;
I just wanted to say
This was in bad taste and a bore.
--- Req
Be assured that it went not to waste;
It regained its firm tan
After hours in the pan,
Where the werewolf had left it to baste.
--- John Miller
From boring he never will rest.
The holes that he bores
Get covered in sores,
And he only laughs at the jest.
--- Archie
Had struggled her fullest amount
Against Dracula's might,
At the end of her fight,
I hear she went down for the count.
--- Hugh Clary
Rose up in her chest; from the rear
Came Frankenstein's bolt,
Which he shoved with a jolt,
Right into her arse like a spear.
--- Mil8OC
When he's into the rare red sauce.
His old sweet refrain
Plays again and again;
It's "Fangs For The Memory", of course.
--- Tony Burrell
You're split into A's, B's, and O's.
This guy is no sap;
He like you on tap --
A supply wherever he goes.
--- Tony Burrell
It's inclined for relations to strain.
This guy is a pest,
So guard your neck lest
His passion is just lust in vein.
--- Tony Burrell
One month in the blood bank for food;
Two fangs had implanted;
My smile downward slanted
And she/victims fantasized nude.
--- Irving Superior P9011
My mirror constructor I sued.
My license to fly I renewed.
My eyes on your jugular glued.
Bram Stoker on my chest tattooed.
--- Irving Superior P9011
The fact is really quite clear,
That if this carries on,
We'll all soon be gone,
As the time when they eat us, is near!
--- Jon Makin
This is a fact I think you have missed.
Penguins are nice
And they don't eat rice,
But they smell of fish when they're kissed.
--- Jo Skinner
Some would this value like gold,
But crosses they fear
And sunlight will sear
Their flesh, or so we are told.
--- Chris Pugh
Those fangs sure look scary to me.
For blood they are after,
There's no place for laughter
When it's you that they want for their tea!
--- Chris Pugh
Had a secret that nobody knew;
For, though he was hairy
And really was scary,
He'd faint at the sight of a shrew.
--- Cap'n Bean
Who hunted down girls in the dark.
As he'd lunge for an ass,
He would scream at the lass,
"My bite is much worse that my bark!"
--- Anon
The hair on this fellow will grow!
But you never will creep
Up on him in his sleep,
That's why he's aware-wolf, you know!
--- Anon
Romantic? Perhaps, but where I
Live, folks lock their houses,
Stay quiet as mouses,
In case werewolf Jill passes by.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That explains what is happening to me.
There's a howl in my throat,
And I'm growing a fur coat;
If you want to survive, friends, then flee.
--- Anon
Who walked on a line finely drawn.
While eschewing the beast,
He managed to feast
As a Man at the soft crack of Dawn.
--- John Miller
He was once merely bland Bradford Granger.
Then he suffered a bite
From a Werewolf one night.
Who dispatched him? Who else, the Lone Ranger.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
Whose eyes glowed like a wolf's in the dark.
When the moon was quite round,
He made a strange sound;
A cross 'twixt a growl and a bark.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Will howl, rage and piss on a tree.
Or so the books tell
And gals do as well;
In this case, it's called PMT. (PMS for you merkins)
--- Tiddy Ogg
So small boys and girls, please be wary
Of corpses all bloody,
And mummies all muddy,
And werewolves with paws big and hairy.
--- J Skellington
Met a werewolf one day near Bilbao.
Though it left him for dead,
After eight weeks in bed,
He says he's all right again nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
--- Count Drac
Liked to dig up, then gnaw on a bone.
"His tastes were lupine,
And now he's supine",
Are the words carved into his headstone.
--- Laurence U
There she'd bark at the moon and the haze.
Still her friends weren't concerned,
For by now they had learned,
Once a month she would go through that phase.
--- Scott Hendricks
With a moon-howling wolf, genus were,
She said, "Howl 'til you drop,
But just let me on top,
And I won't criticize your bad hair."
--- William N Nesbit
Who preferred entry via back door.
He said with a smile
"I prefer doggy style.
The human way now has me bored."
--- Lars
At sunset you should think of this:
At night be a"were"
YOUR FACE HAS MORE HAIR;
You may be a Lycanthropist.
--- Irving Superior
'Bout hubby's fur covered red whang.
Cunnilingus is out
Because of his snout --
French kissing's banned 'cause of his fang.
--- Bob Birch
Had a lovelife the slightest bit shady.
For she dates a bookie
Who nibbled her cookie,
And on full moons she became a wolflady.
--- Neal Wilgus P8203
Oh my gosh, how he caused all that stress.
On each night of full moon,
He would make grown men swoon.
His career was a howling success!
--- Tom Patton P0609
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