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A golfer was lost in the rough, A golfer missed out on his goal, Two golfers, catching up on hole two, When a horse-playing golfer named Gray, On their honeymoon trip, she recalls, A cocky young golfer named Blake, More caddies he's had, just for fun. It's sad for the golfer named Burt; Toward casual sex he was leaning; Three old chums and a day on the links, "My wife expects to be having a ball; Said the next, "My wife wants a date Said the third, "My plan was much better. Now golf as a game is inane, Though playing in Heather's was tough, Like sled dogs a-mushin' (Sports Illustrated 12/28/92 issue)
Wimbleton champ Andre Agassi The fabulous Five from Michigan Da Bulls were da NBA champs; Magic and Larry retired, Al Unser Jr. won Indy, Fay Vincent banished Steve Howe, Super Bowl headline: SKINS WIN IT. In college, who's No. 1 rated? The Heisman went to Gino Torretta, Lil E. Tee, phone home. Bobby Fisher can never rebut Meanwhile, back at the Samaranch, Chemists call it Au, The Games of Summer reigned in Spain, After golfing a week in La Jolla, Activities grave and iniquitous, My rusty math should be lubed, King Richard Petty ruled NASCAR Atlanta was best known for Tara, Not so for some Filipinos, How to make a subpoena colada: Why, in the name of Jehovah, When football's Plan B was illegalized, May the New Year erase all your cares. There once was a lineman named Blaine There once was a guy with a bow In the contest, a girl archer's bow And to think how it went to my head That ol' Talco Texan now croons A deer hunter searches for scat; A rich sportsman had a wonderful gun; Conservationist Jonathan Wheat Said two hunters: "Wild beasts -- we don't mind 'em. Yip, Yip, gadzooks, tally ho! The sound of the baying of hounds, The foxes enjoy a good run, The vermin, they must be controlled, Of course this is all a preamble, Her strong firm equestrian thighs; I'm sorry, I don't like the chase, A hunter's a toffee nose snob To they think that they call this a sport; Save all the animals! you bleat. You can celebrate being a mouse, A nutcase from off of the farm, A hunter by the name of Royce To his wife said a hunter named Speers, There was a young hunter named Pease, A nearsighted hunter named Pease In America, still it is true, I thought that deer hunting I'd go;
When he came on a nice bit of stuff.
He said "I can't find the hole."
She said "Here, see this mole,
Well, an inch or two down there's my muff."
--- Anon
As his putt, it continued to roll.
In a way, it was funny;
He thought of a cunny,
And how he could lip out the hole.
--- Anon
Decided to ask to play through.
"Oh, not on my life,
That's my mistress and wife!"
"Let me see," said the other; "Mine too!"
--- Tom Accousti
Balled a girl in the rough one fine day,
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling.
"I would rate her", said Gray, "a par lay."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
They went to Niagara Falls.
Near a fair grassy knoll,
She showed him her hole,
While she played with his club and his balls.
--- Lance Payne P8306
On the fourth, made an awful mistake.
He caught sight of a blond;
Put his ball in the pond;
Now there's only one birdie to make.
--- Frank Sfa
He's played every lie under the sun.
The arrogant beaast
Is known as the least,
To have driven a fine hole in one.
--- John Miller
His feelings must really be hurt.
When his par putt fell short,
Said his partner, that sport,
"Your putter must have caught in your skirt"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Golf pro Tom took a girl without screening.
Small critters had a lair
On the lady down there;
Scratch golfer's acquired a new meaning.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Relaxed with a few rounds of drinks.
Said one, "If you knew
What I had to go through,
You'd all call me crazy, methinks."
--- Tom Accousti
A whole day at the shopping mall.
Oh, and here is another
Thing, lunch with her mother.
It's a wonder I can get out at all."
--- Tom Accousti
For us out on the town and up late.
A dinner and then
A movie at ten --
She expects me to remain celibate."
--- Tom Accousti
When we woke up, I knew what would get her.
I said, 'It's a great day for golfing
Or we could spend the day boffing.'
She said, 'It's cold out, remember your sweater.'"
--- Tom Accousti
But I practice my putting with Jane.
On the carpet she lies
With her wide-open thighs
And I sink 'em in, time and again.
--- Anon
I always could hack through her rough.
But the size of her gorse
Had me filled with remorse,
'Cause my wedge wasn't lofty enough.
--- Anon
And sports payrolls a-gushin,
The year past
Went so fast.
A look back...by Steve Rushin.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Was unable to dress so Las Vegassy.
O'Brien no-heighted;
Tyson no-fighted;
Ninety-two left quite a legacy:
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Hope Duke won't fillet 'em like fish again.
The Pens won the cup,
A flag flew downside-up,
And Jordan was granted his wish again.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Michael lit up da Blazers like lamps.
Orlando took Shaq,
Paid him serious jack,
Now he's licking opponents like stamps.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Admired by those they inspired.
And Dan Biasone,
Who'll forever be known
As the Shot-Clock inventor, expired.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
The Broad Strett Bullies won Lindy,
And the lesson they'll teach
Now at brisk Pebble Beach
Is a Kite always flies when it's windy.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
But somehow Howe never said "Ciao."
And the owner Schottzie
Denied she's a Nazi.
For baseball, two kicks in the trou.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
It was over within the first minute:
Truman T. lost his hat,
And stranger than that,
When he found it, his head was still in it.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
The answer is always debated.
The Tide and the 'Canes
Won all of their games
Without having livestock castrated.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
But Marshall Faulk, we know you're betta.
As for Garrison Hearst,
It could have been worse.
At least he received a letta swetta.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
While you're at it, phone Manon Rheaume.
She was in goal
Before you were a foal
Or a gleam in the eye of this poem.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
That Fisher's a brand name for nut.
Boris looked Badenov,
But he's probably had enough
After spending six weeks on his butt.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
The Winter Games brought a sport avalanche.
LeBlanc and La Bomba,
Foreign words I'll remomba,
As well as those moments from Franche.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Yamaguchi won one and Blair two.
Snow fell in the Alps
Like dandruff from scalps;
The peaks ought to use Selsun Blue.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Like Tour de France champ Indurain.
TV was disastrous,
Triplecastastrophous.
And Cobi the mascot? Inane.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
They arrived in the homeland of Goya.
The Dream Team said, "Hola,"
By pummeling Angola
And won a la Oscar De La Hoya.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Made Tyson's absence conspicuous.
When heavyweights dueled
For the belts so bejeweled,
Who won? Don't be Riddickulous.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
How much for America cubed?
Not to mention those countdowns,
The Brett-and the Yount-downs.
Do you figure fan interest accrued?
--- Steve Rushin P9303
This is file cvl
As the French used to Madagascar.
When the King abdicated,
His successor awaited:
Canseco again drove a fast car.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Then along came Frankie Cabrera.
But the Great White North
Won the Series, of courth.
It could not have been faira or squara.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Thought not to be in their teenos.
Little Leaguers got trounced,
Then officials announced,
"Those kids weren't kids, far as we knows.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Take McCarver, then just add ice wada.
Though Deion was rude,
Timmy never sued.
Hey, McCarver, I still think you oughta.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Did Conners play Navratilova?
A thoracic disk
Put Gretsky at risk,
And Bonds was rolling in clova.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Keith Jackson was quickly il-Eagleized.
Baseball's Giants stayed put,
But they rendered kaput
Roger Craig and his sad, baggy beagle eyes.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
May you ever be sunny, and share
All that you've got
With those who have not
And keep Dennis Byrd in your prayers.
--- Steve Rushin P9303
Who, preparing for the championship game,
Said, tying his shoes,
"It's not win or lose,
It's who's gonna catch all the blame."
--- Dr Limerick
And into the woods he did go,
To look far and near
For a nice chubby deer,
To put in the freezer, you know!
--- Meps N Barry
Helped her humble her masculine foe.
It was not so much score
That he looked stupid for,
As the arrow she'd lodged in his toe.
--- David A Brooks
When I first read they'd shot a guy dead;
But there's quite a demand,
Now that fox hunting's banned,
For some live blood-sport action instead.
And plays some slow boot-scootin' tunes;
But he love the sounds
Of his mongrel hounds,
When he's out at night huntin' 'coons!
--- Anon
His hounds catch the scent of the 'flat'.
By eliminations
They find the deer stations --
They have the whole business down pat.
--- Amego P9911
He loved to shoot beasts on the run.
At an extravagent cost,
He had the barrels embossed;
To him hunting and shooting were fun.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Always thought hunting deer a neat treat.
For weeks he lay supine
After crushing his spine
When he fell from his hunters' tree seat.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0312
For we'll shoot them as soon as we find 'em."
But while Fred and Ned
Stood and peered far ahead,
Six elephants crept up behind 'em.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
A-hunting again we will go.
We'll chase those damn foxes,
Over fields, hills and rockses,
And have us some sport, don't you know.
Will echo for miles around.
Then they'll get a view
And we'll shout "Halloo!"
And notes from the bugle will sound.
And giving the gentry some fun.
A ride of this sort
Is such pleasant sport,
Far better than poison or gun.
And using the methods of old,
Will give us good cheer,
But these days I fear,
The modern wimp townies will scold.
To having a whiskey-laced gambol,
With young Lady Lydia,
Who goes, I don't kid ya,
Like a thresher, when in bed we scramble.
Their grip as I bury my prize,
Into her hunt cup!
She's ripe for a tup.
And sweeter than hounds are her cries.
In this day and age there's no place
For barbaric killing
With hounds madly milling;
The saboteurs have a good case.
Awaiting a punch in the gob.
A townie I be;
A veggie you see
And an animal's life I shan't rob.
The Greenies will see you in court.
They will win one day.
You're not getting your way,
So fox hunting I will not suupport.
All the killing has got you in heat.
But please don't pout.
Let's all talk it out,
Over a big old juicy piece of meat!
Have a barrel of laughs as a louse,
'Cause today in the heather
Whatever the weather,
It's better than being a grouse.
--- Val Burns P0608
Claimed penguins were doing him harm.
A paranoid thought
Inspired by nought
But the ego behind his firearm.
--- Tubby Bubba
Had a hook, a rope, and a hoist,
Positioned with care
And fired at a bear.
When he ran, his pants became moist.
--- Anon
"I am leaving to hunt for some deers."
If his grammar was poor,
This his wife could endure,
But it left her with doubts and some fears.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2315
Who failed to see woods for the trees.
He could not hit a bear
Or the birds in the air.
One might say he was shooting the breeze.
--- Albin Chaplin
Could not see the woods for the trees.
He would miss the barn door
By a mile or much more,
And was expert at shooting the breeze.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2742
The thing that most males like to do
Is the masculine rite
Of a hunt, then at night,
Back in the camphouse they screw.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To catch one, not kill it, you know.
I'm stuck in this truck,
And I can't fuck a buck,
As usual folks, I'm short of doe.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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