"Well, you'd expect that she, now as my wife,
Would want us to have our own life.
And as far as it goes,
If she wore your clothes,
Well, you won't need then in the afterlife.
--- Tom Accousti

"She'd sleep with me in the bed and
Drive your custom made mini-van.
But your clubs? Have no fear."
"And why is that, dear?"
"Her own set is for the left hand."
--- Tom Accousti

A golfer who came from Calcutta
Said: "Please don't think me a nutter.
If I try the long haul,
I just lose the ball,
So I play every stroke with the putter."
--- Anon

There was a young golfer at Troon
Who always played golf with a spoon.
"It's handy," said he,
"For the brandy, you see,
Should anyone happen to swoon."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

A lonely golf widow named Sutter
Used to diddle herself with a putter,
First washing it clean
To protect her machine,
Then oiling with real country butter.
--- Grand Prix Lim 127 G2211

My driver is here in my pants.
My putter's the bulge in my stance.
A nice walk diluted,
Sam Clemens imputed.
My shaft and head favors romance.
--- H Welchel

A banker whose mistress had sighed,
For a gift of some golf clubs she'd spied,
Didn't hear his love mutter
"Two woods and a putter,"
So bought her St. Andrews and Ryde.
--- Young Fellow Glover P0406

There was an old golfer named Blake,
Who had a decision to make.
When he posted a score
Of one twenty-four,
He threw his clubs into the lake.
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0305

A cheerful young golfer named Krock,
Gave his tee shot a hundred-yard sock.
It doesn't sound far
To a man who shoots par,
But 'twas done with the end of his cock.
--- Anon

A horny old golfer named Randy,
Liked women whose snatches were sandy.
When asked by the pro
Why he'd want one just so,
He replied, "I've a nine iron handy."
--- Jeffrey Beeton

A beautiful drive made by Byron
Went straight for the hole of a siren.
He did not see the trap
And got caught in the crap,
But got out with his number nine iron.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1980

Fred's heart attack, while on the links,
Was tragic and painful, methinks.
It was on hole thirteen
At the edge of the green.
We dragged him five holes and had drinks.
--- Al Willis

A stroke from this golfing old Fogey,
Killed a guy who was eating a hoagie.
He finished the hole,
Ate the meal on a roll,
And blamed the dead guy for his bogey.
--- JCH T9801

Heart attack Fred drank gin
While he chewed on a bottle of aspirin.
Then retrieving his driver,
Whacked the final ball higher,
And went to his fate with a grin.
--- Sarah S

There was a young lady named Heather,
Who golfed in all kinds of weather.
She teed off one morn,
In an electrical storm,
Now they're trying to put Heather together.
--- Aurdry Conklin P9208a

He forced us to solemnly pledge
To bury his clubs at the edge
Of the latch of his coffin,
'Cause he said, "It's like golfin'.
I'll escape any trap with my wedge."
--- Badger57

I've hacked many divots from tees;
I've pulled and sliced balls into trees.
I've had plenty fun,
But now that it's done,
It's others will pay these green fees.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Before death my uncle would quip,
"Please bury me on my left hip;
'Cause in that position,
I'll make the transition
From that trap with one single chip!"
--- Travis Brasell

Dear Uncle has been know to scoff
When he shanks his balls into the trough;
Now, God rest his soul,
At his final hole,
Dear Uncle is really teed off!
--- Travis Brasell

Golfing with workmates was a bloke
On the fairway, who happened to croak.
The pain to his boss,
Was not in the loss,
It was toting him up again after each stroke.
--- Anon

Frank was holding the flag when the lightning struck
And he looked like a man being hit by a truck.
With his hair straight as wire,
With his pants caught on fire,
My putt hit a spike mark and missed -- rotten luck!
--- Rick Limmer

Sam's wife took a lover to bed;
With his putter Sam splintered her head.
Said the wise old judge Chase
After hearing the case,
I'd have used a nine iron instead.
--- Parker Waterman P0108

As the pro, you must buy me a drink,
For the hole-in-one that I did sink.
And as for my stance,
I can tell from a glance,
Any gap is too large for your dink.
--- Anon

While cuddled up under the blanket,
Watching golf, we saw Tiger Woods spank it.
"A nice hole in one,"
Said my girl, "Would be fun..."
So I gave her a try -- and I sank it!
--- Crazy Legs T9801

Shall we play some golf at Troon.
We're sure to be finished by noon.
And when it's all over,
We'll roll in the clover.
(I may score a hole-in-one soon.)
--- Archie

There was a golf widow named Dunn
Who said, "Hubby don't have all the fun!
While he's chasing the ball
I have male friends who call...
And they all make a fast hole in one!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 40

While golfing, I try this for fun:
Wearing two pair of trousers, not one.
And answering questionaires
Like "Why the two pairs?"
I reply "In case of a hole-in-one."
--- Funny Bone

I tell you sometimes it's no fun
When wearing two pants and not one...
But although I was baggy,
All baggy and saggy,
I played this ass-hole and I won!
--- Tutta Gioia

There was a young golfer from Lincs,
Whose caddy was a bit of a minx!
He hit a hole in one,
And then said this is fun.
I thought she'd be a bit of a jinx!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

As a golfer, he'll harden his bun
When you're stripped for coitional fun,
And with a stiff stroke, (To the duffer's delight,)
Spread your hips for the poke, (For once he'll aim right)
And make his first real hole-in-one!
--- G0228

Young Norton, a golfer outstanding,
Was called to the priesthood for branding;
Vowed to be poor and chaste,
Accepted in haste
Order's rule "No Golf" upon landing.
--- Daniel Ford

Years then passed in his pastor's toque;
Reverend Father Norton awoke
One gorgeous Sunday,
Decided "Must play!"
Claimed sick to associate bloke.
--- Daniel Ford

Far away from church goer's eyes,
Father Norton teed up his prize.
"You suffer this clod?"
St. Peter asked God.
"Guess not," said the Lord amid sighs.
--- Daniel Ford

This is file cwl

Father Norton drove ball true and well,
A long ball, into hole it fell,
From the clear blue sky.
St. Peter asked "Why!"
Mused God, "Who is he going to tell?"
--- Daniel Ford

No slice to the left or hook right.
Balls sailed with precision in flight.
The last drive, holed in one,
But the fun had just begun.
His putter looked stiff for the night.
--- Anon

There once was a golfer from Verdun
Who was never at all that outdone.
To avoid glitches
He brought spare britches
In case he got a hole-in-one.
--- Bob Polecat

Where golf courses numbered a ton,
A thousand girls bathed in the sun
And tanned their cute bodies
While sipping hot toddies,
But I shot a great hole-in-one!
--- Travis Brasell

An aging old golf pro named Meyer,
At teaching young girls took a flyer.
Every day he was seen
Playing games on the green,
Where his hole-in-one average was higher.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2192

A horny old golfer for fun,
Made love to his mares on the run.
He'd open his kilts,
Dash around on short stilts,
And score many a nice hole in one.
--- Actaeon

There was once a golfer called Ben (Hogan)
Who had never been heard of...but then,
A five hundred to one,
He competed and won
The first prize at the British Open.
--- Anon

Billy Graham says the good Lord attends
To his prayers except when he unbends
To break his routine
And gets on the green
To play golf with some of his friends.
--- A N Wilkins P9008

The octogenarian grinned,
As on the green golf course he sinned.
His partner, named Farr
Tried hard to break par,
While the old fellow merely broke wind.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

Seems that one of Bill's challenges falls;
"He broke eighty", the young caddy calls.
Though with details spared,
A young lady has shared,
That for luck she had kissed Willy's balls.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a young golfing star,
Who drove an enormous big car.
Many birdies he got
To keep his clubs hot;
His performance stayed way above par.
--- Jayne

A Newcastle golfer with gall
Had whacked all day long at his ball.
Until, with a splat,
He hit a cow pat,
And now he don't' play much at all!
--- Clarkscript

O.J. Simpson approached Heidi Fleiss,
And suggested some golf might be nice.
"I'm not sure I agree,"
Heidi said, "For you see,
I'm a hooker and you got a bad slice."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9501a

The PGA tourney's now done.
Garcia was just having fun,
But Tiger's ball striking
Was much to his liking;
He squeeked to a win by just one.
--- Anon

Eying the straight-from-the-tee line,
I usually drive in a beeline;
Precision is my key.
I'm sponsored by Nike
And named for a big stripy feline.
--- Henry Hook P0202

In the land of kilts, sporrans, and pipes;
What's that roar, as some guy putts and swipes?
Nineteen strokes below par
To be golf's greatest star?
It's a tiger who's earning his stripes!
--- Prof M-G

Says the staid PGA, "We insist
On this message which some fans have missed.
If you ask us, we'll say
Since T. Woods came our way,
Who would dare say God doesn't exist?"
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0900

He's seldom in also-ran places.
He meets every challenge he faces.
Caucasion and Negroid
And majority Mongoloid,
He's a credit to all of his races.
--- DC Dave

I really can't help but abhore
This mention of race. It's a bore.
The race I endorse
Out on the golf course,
Is the race to equal his score.
--- Frank Fazed

I'm sending out invites to dinner,
To every old pro and beginner.
We'll have celebration
And standing ovation
For Tiger Woods -- he's a real winner!
--- Scott

Johnnie Miller was Jackson Hole bound;
Rodham planned a surprise quite profound.
But Bill misunderstood,
And was off to no good;
She insisted that he play a round.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A doctor named David yanked left,
In the deep he was often bereft.
He moved back from the ball,
Just a smidge, that was all,
And from fairway, he's often quite deft.
--- Hugh O'Niell P0511Q

Once a feminine golfer did say,
"With the masculine golfers I'll play."
And so scared Vijay Singh
With her lady golf swing,
That he scratched from the men's PGA!
--- Anon

Three whores took on nine men at once,
In their mouths and their assholes and cunts.
Only on a golf green
Can generally be seen
Eighteen balls and nine holes at such stunts.
--- G0711

His tee shot went badly astray
And rolled twixt two lovers at play.
At first he said, "My!
What a difficult lie!"
Then, "Oh, What a beautiful lay!"
--- Lance Payne P8306a

"Hey! Keep your ball on the short grass,"
The golf pro instructed. Alas!
Her Beau said his dong
Likes only grass long,
So his balls got lost on her ass?
--- Anon

Around the clubhouse turn they then snuck,
He pulled out his woody and struck.
I'm a bit off my game,
Seems my putters gone lame.
Could you kiss my balls for good luck?
--- Anon

He was filled with a profound remorse,
For the rulebook she'd surely enforce.
"This was your last chance,
To get into my pants.
No Mulligans when playing this course."
--- Anon

Somewhere where the grass is much greener,
And the wind and the air so much cleaner,
Is a golfer who st-t-t-tutters,
'Bout his profound putter.
And a scorecard that shows him a winner!
--- Anon

A lush golfing dolly named Jeanne
Was holed-in-one on the ninth green.
She cried, "Par for the dubs
Is four, but your club's
Broken evey course record I've seen!"

(even the intercourse record)
--- Grand Prix Lim 1001 P9703

There once was a golfer name Leer,
Who got put in the clink for a year,
For an action obscene,
On the very first green,
Where the sign said "Enter Course Here".
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Some men with some girls had some drinks
Then nude went to play on the links.
One guy cried, "Fore...
Skins we adore!"
The girls laughed as they knelt for highjinks.
--- TuttaGioia

Each morning they went out to play
On a golf course not too far away.
They found satisfaction
In two kinds of action:
A good lie, or else a good lay.
--- Laurence Perrine P8802