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A team of footballers from Stroud Fishermen and footballers get There once was a Wobbly Duck (not a clue - McW)
I can't decide -- football or soccer? There was a young striker from Clyde, An elderly lady from Fleet This World Cup of football is great, Soccer's a game I despise; When rude soccer-names are cited, There was a young man called McVittie, A gay lost his boots in a game; While visiting Santa's North Pole, A young big footballer named Rick, The Professional Footballers' Assoc. A football fanatic named Paul Oh darling, please switch off the telly, Oh bugger the beer and the deli; I hate you! "Oh come now, sweet Nellie." Hey Bertie? "Uh huh" Do me now? Oh Bertie .. Hey Bertie, remember when .. "That But Bertie I'll .. "Go back to sleep!" Says an ace soccer center named Fedder: In Italy, life is a drag; A bad football team from West Leighup They had premier division in mind, Their last fixture was against Skegness; To the rookie said soccer coach Fred, While the World Cup in soccer's contested, A football team had a good goalie; A football referee named Sid Shard The wonderful Wizard of Oz Now the World cup has reached its third day; Football's the world's favorite game, There was a Saints player called Jesus; (Chris Marsden = Bald Headed Jesus)
Victoria Beckham said "I'm Brandi could make my dick spurt; Victoria, a bright girl, I'm sure, Crazy Daisy, an expert at soccer, A footballing fellow named Paul George Best is on the wing no more, A butcher I know down in Brading, An ex-dribbling pinhead George Best, When the studio guest's Jimmy Hill, (soccer? - McW)
A Portuguese winger called Figo, One evening while playing mah jong, A disconsolate loser named Gino While playing a tough game of patience,(solitaire card
game) There once was a Philatilist whose In the U.S. we play the game "Clue" "It's double or nothing," he said. My opponents have been known to whine, Goodbye to the old Scrabble font; What shatters a great game of Scrabble? I know that it's one of your wiles Said a judge at a stamp exhibition, One evening at Trivial Pursuit FIX
A Japanese clown name of Yo At Fitzgerald's the action was hot, An ace in the hole is an ace A sharpie card player, Miss Cole, I went to Atlantic (the City); A doting, card-playing elder I hope that you're not keeping score. A ruffled bridge player named Slade One evening while playing canasta
Had supporters who shouted too loud.
When all ceased their din,
Goals just rocketed in,
So how they're a much quieter crowd.
--- Anon
Plenty of sport, you can bet.
Whether it's a goal
Or a great Dover Sole,
They'll shout, "It's now in the net!"
--- Anon
Who found herself knee-deep in muck.
In true Manchester style
She said with a smile,
Your aim's pretty poor, ain't it chuck?
--- Anon
From a Lazy-boy chair or a rocker?
Ovoid or round?
In the air? On the ground?
Should I play it? Or just be a gawker?
--- Stiffy Joe
Who hated his eggs boiled or fried.
When asked to say why,
"It's just because I
Am a poacher, by trade," he replied.
--- Anon
Once scored a goal with both feet,
And despite her great age,
Earns a reasonable wage
As reserve center forward for Crete.
--- Michael Palin
Though my own prowess, I must relate.
You'll vouch for the gall,
When my right and left ball,
In opposite directions rotate.
--- Buzzard
The idiot's boasted franchise.
It's just a rude brawl
While kicking a ball,
And causes my gorge to upsrise.
--- Timothy Torkildson
It's Arse-nal is usually indicted.
There's old S-cunt-thrope too,
And the third of the few
Is Manchester Fucking United.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who played football for Birmingham City.
He scored ninety goals,
Each one with his nose.
Now it's all flat. What a pity!
--- Lesley Minchella
Then his shirt and his shorts just the same.
"Seen my tackle?" he sighed
To the ref, who replied,
"Yes I have. Very nice! What's your name?"
--- H Myers T9801
I met a young elf named Nicole,
A cute soccer fan.
When I stuck it in,
She threw up her arms and yelled "Goal!"
--- Blowcephus T9712
Was known for the strength of his kick.
When the ball's on the spot,
He takes a short trot.
The goalie feels he's been hit by a brick!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Wants action, and not only talk.
They can't use their hands
To enforce their demands,
And so they will probably walk.
--- Dr Limerick 11-21-01
Rude rhymes at the ref, used to howl.
Till, enraged by a foul,
He disjointed his jowl --
And found he had swallowed the ball.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
"I'm watching the football, sweet Nellie."
But darling .. "Please get
Off my lap, will you pet,
And go get me some beer from the deli."
--- Anon
I've lustful desires in my belly.
"Not now - look at that!
It's a goal!! And it's .."
"Bloody hell! That fair hurt me, sweet Nellie."
--- Anon
And don't call me Nellie -- I'm Ellie;
You bastard!; you twat!
"Ohmygod I forgot;
You're my wife and not Nell from the deli."
--- Anon
"Uh huh." I quite fancy a plow.
"Wossat?" In my teddy;
Oh Bertie, I'm ready ..
"Oh go back to sleep you old cow."
--- Anon
But Bertie, my dear .. "It'll keep."
I want your sweet lovin' ..
"For fuck's sake stop shovin',
And leave me alone you old heap."
--- Anon
Is more than enough of your chat."
But Bertie .. "Oh shite!"
Can we .. ? "No; not tonight!
Can't you shaddup yer face, you old bat?"
--- Anon
Pretend to be Little Bo Peep.
"For heaven's sake, wife;
Get a grip on yer life!
Can't you see that I'm screwin' this sheep?"
--- Anon
"I really do well with a spreader.
I prefer my free kicks
With a groupie who sticks
To that great scoring tactic, the Header!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Casanovas are starting to nag.
"It's becoming a bore;
Whenever I score,
I instinctively look for a flag."
--- Rudy Froese
Was in want of a very big gee-up.
The coach had to beg,
For they'd each just one leg,
Which they saved for the after match knee-up.
--- Anon
But for this they fell far behind.
Not wishing to jeer,
The reason was clear:
The goalie was also quite blind.
--- Anon
They lost - three goals, two rings, one necklace.
After relegation
To their true station,
They drowned all their sorrows, got legless.
--- Anon
"If you can't stop the ball we are dead."
But the man was a gent,
For the guy really meant:
"You had better start using your head."
--- Albin Chaplin P9505
I can sit on my couch and be rested.
But the soccer's so boring
That I soon end up snoring,
With my dinner completely digested.
--- Limerick Man
His weakness was plain ravioli.
His waistline expanded,
He became heavy-handed,
And behaved like a slow roly-poly.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Was fair, but his decisions were hard.
When he got to his house,
There was no sign of his spouse.
He gave his missing wife a red card!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Retired from football because
When he tried to run fast,
His legs didn't last,
'Cause he wasn't the wizard he was.
--- Mary Lamp
Tell me, when will the teams start to play?
None has yet scored more goals
Than a magnet has poles,
But like magnets, they draw, draw away!
--- Prof M-G TP9806
This is file cql
So why do Yanks rip off its name
For a game of their own,
Where the balls carried or thrown,
Would anyone try to explain?
--- Tim
His knee sadly liable to seizures.
But he played through the pain
To win Saints the game,
Then danced a mad jig just to please us.
--- Anon
Saying sex with Michael's sublime!"
But Jacko said "Tosh!
I could not've boffed Posh,
As I was in Brooklyn at the time."
--- David Miller Q
Her titties are little, but pert.
She made quite a trick
Of that penalty kick,
But why did she take off her shirt?
--- Anon
Should've known there'd be fan-girls galore,
Tempting David to stray.
When he's got room to play,
He'll always find chances to score.
--- Anon
Hurried inside to her locker.
First she showered, then dried,
And quickly went outside,
Just to rush home to her cocker.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Could do fabulous things with a ball.
In one of his tricks,
With a series of flicks,
He managed to knock down a brick wall.
--- Mary Lamp
Two livers have said, "We're done for!"
In red 'n' white coffin
He's no longer boffin';
Popping six Miss World's his best score.
--- David Miller Q
Has Georgie's remains, and he's trading
Best liver, and boasts
It's better than most,
'Cause this stuff won't need marinating.
--- Q
Was once with great football skills blessed;
Now he's up Suwannee River
With another man's liver,
And memories of some Miss World's breast.
--- Jarmo
The aroma can make you feel ill.
While stroking his chin,
He just can't keep it in.
The score's Arsenal: PHTHRRRP!!!, Chelsea: Nil.
--- Kevin Hale Q
With quite a formidable ego,
Announced "Here's the plan:
As the crunch match began,
"First Joao goes, then Beto, then we go!"
--- Anon
I suddenly burst into song.
My song was inspired
By some lads from a Triad,
Doing unmentionable things with a prong.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Was arrested for pouting at Keno.
To gamble long-faced
Is considered bad taste,
And a misdemeanor, in Reno.
--- Cyber Geezer
In quite severe pain
I jumped on a train,
And continually flushed between stations.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Collection at first grew and grew.
He thought he'd sell them;
That's when they'd tell him,
"They're not worth anything used!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And we certainly know what to do.
With Miss Scarlett and Peacock
And Ms White, they will all dock,
Then we find how they did what to who!
--- CM
His wife was reclined on the bed;
"The twins are awake,
For goodness sake;
Let's bring out the scrabble instead."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
'Cause I win at Scrabble all the time.
They can't spell worth shit,
And can't seem to get
Their tiles in a perfect straight line.
--- Carol
The factory in Fairfax, Vermont,
That each day made piles
Of those hard maple tiles;
Now it has CLOSED on't.
--- Prof M-G
I'll tell you, folks, it's when I dabble
Up under the table,
The pussy of Mabel
And she will incessantly babble!
--- Travis Brasell
To be dropping one of your tiles.
And Mabel gets hot
When you've found the G-spot,
On your first try, and breaks out in smiles
--- Tiddy Ogg
"This entry shows great erudition,
But we should impose fines
For between the lines,
I count sixty-nine acts of coition."
--- Jeff Purser
I got: "Who played the name role in Klute?"
Without pausing to ponder
I called out: "Jane Fonda!"
But Donald Sutherland, he was the brute!
--- Kevin Hale Q
Played board games between every show.
He wore funny hats
As well as white spats;
He's now known for his getup and Go.
--- Tom Patton P0303
When the chips hit the round betting dot.
A jack and an ace
Put a smile on my face;
Luck's rainbow just shone on my pot!
--- Darel
Dealt in poker, while hiding its face.
YOu wait for a showdown,
And then give the lowdown:
"Gimme every damn cent in this place."
--- Rory Ewins
Amassed a big horse-choking roll.
No cards up her sleeve
Could the suckers perceive,
For she carried her ace in the hole!
--- Larry Wilde
The poker game beckoned, "Here, kitty...."
My cards weren't hot;
I lost every pot.
On the bus home, I sulked in self-pity.
--- Bluebird P9809
Said "Son, she's you wife if you've held her
Close enough to trasmit
Your seed to her clit.
Back to cards now: You had better meld her."
--- Wasi
That breath took a second, not more.
Solitaire's the wrong game
Once you've set me aflame.
My black jack wants some play that's hardcore.
--- Anon
Was trumped by his wife and dismayed.
With her heart she did mess
A sure diamond finess,
So he clubbed her to death with a spade.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2793a
My hostess produced some warm pasta,
Poured it over my head
And jovially said:
"How's that for an albino rasta?"
--- Kevin Hale Q
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