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To Olympics went queer Mr. Burke, A wanton young mermaid named Jones, Said a diver, "Cousteau, you're a clown, There once was a gymnast named Brett The Olympic Games are a bore; When running, a young girl named Banner "Oh do me right now!", she implored, "Oh god!", I thought, watching the match "My love, can't I tempt you instead ..."Can't you see that I'm watching TV? "Thank god", I thought, "Who needs a dame Then she flounced through the living room door Then she flew out the house and I knew The world's focus is on Atlanta, So Fergie with his team of thugs I knew they were in for a licking - The linesmen and Ref were abused The match was a bluddy disgrace Beggars can always be choosers; A gay lost his boots in a game In New Zealand some scribbling dill (dill - idiot) (must be soccer score - McW)
There was a young player named Kelly, There once was a team from Brazil, The match had five goals in the score, A Brazilian forward who's shameless Was it City, United, or Town The coach cried "I'm losing my wits! Axel excelled playing soccer; Little Jack Horner once took a corner A fiery Corkman called Keane A striker who came from Devizes Our Borussia is going away; There was a footballer called Best, Young Marilyn's husband's a shocker. After losing to foe Argentina, "I'm off, Mums," said Stu, "Going to There was a footballer named Paul, An old soccer player from Reading The FIFA World Cup's on the go; The match against Sweden I'll view Now you call it "football" but we In soccer you can't use your hands, While tending the goal at the soccer, A striker from somewhere in Kent There once was a footballing cat, The crowds are now going away, A goalie beleagured at soccer There was a goalkeeper named Walter "I'm a real football fan," said our Kitty, The Wodehouse-conceived Bertie Wooster, A Geordie slut blew into town She ate malt and hops by the pound, A skinny young striker from Spain, There was a young striker from Reading A footballer, Twinkletoes Mole, There was a young man called Clark, At one of the soccer club's roasts, A gay soccer spectator from Wix, A footballer in from the States Says an ace soccer center named Fedder: There was a young player named Clyde Today some footballers are rough, If I take an umbrella, it's dry. A plaintive cry of "It's not fair!" A cute soccer player named Jade There once was a young man from Lyme, A soccer match soon with Brazil ver-
For he loved to see athletes at work.
There the whole day was spent
At his favored event,
Which was watching the snatch and the jerk.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1839A
Elicited undersea moans,
From guys aqualunging
By saltily tonguing
Their divers erogenous zones.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
To say we should only go down.
With the mask off my face,
It's too much of a race,
To get the lass off and not drown."
--- Oolong a
Who said gently, "Now Brenda, don't fret.
It's safe, this position
We're in for coition,"
But they haven't untangled them yet.
--- David A Brooks
Without sex events, they're a snore.
Let's have cross-country fucking,
And marathon sucking!
Isn't that what our bodies are for?
--- Writerman
Was plumbed by a man who outran her.
This man plumbed her so well
She went into a spell;
She had never been had in this manner.
--- Albin Chaplin
As she spread her legs widely toward
Me. "Can't wait any longer;
My lust's getting stronger;
I need to be pierced with your sword."
--- Anon
On TV with my beer, "Can't you scratch
Yer own snatch? Stop yer bitchin'
And get to the kitchen
And ...Yesss! What a beautiful catch!"
--- Anon
With a passionate romp in our bed?"
And she stood right in front
Of me showing her cunt,
So I pushed her away as I said ...
--- Anon
Stop your whining and cook us some tea."
"Well I hate you!", she said,
As she stormed off to bed,
"You think more of that baseball than me!"
--- Anon
When you're watching your favorite game?"
So I opened a beer
And let out a great cheer,
As the number one striker took aim.
--- Anon
And announced, "I can't take any more.
So I'm leaving you now;
Back to mother's." "That cow?"
I exclaimed, "Well you're suited for sure."
--- Anon
She would never come back. Was I blue?
I had joy in my heart,
As I heard her depart,
And looked forward to pastures anew.
--- Anon
And the new events cause all the banter.
The long-distance spit
And the vertical shit;
I bet the Yanks win in a canter.
--- Herkin
Are treating opponents like mugs
There's really no way
The game that they play
Can finish with handshakes and hugs
--- Anon
Not even a point they'd be nicking
When Henry (the king)
Was seen on the wing
Receiving one hell of a kicking
--- Anon
And Rooney and Keane stand accused
In face of this hell
The Gunners done well
But Wenger just wasn't amused
--- Anon
With players in each other's face
United scored four
But Arsenal were poor
And now they are out of the race
--- Anon
Insomniacs -- very good snoozers;
The lamb wasn't Mary's;
the Springboks are fairies;
And the All Blacks are very good losers.
--- Friar TP9807
By a tackle that made him quite lame.
He said with a squeal
To the ref, "I appeal",
Who replied, "Yes you do. What's your name?"
--- H Myers T9801
Had scrawled on the window sill
'Australia Sux.'
I just said, 'Shucks',
And added 'New Zealand Nil.'
--- Don Laycock P8611
Who couldn't play 'cause of his belly.
When he ran on the pitch,
He caused a big ditch,
So he just watches games on the telly.
--- Mary Lamp
Who kicked at the ball with great skill.
They once met the Danes,
Who'd oiled their vanes,
And made the guys go through the mill.
--- Pablo Zum TP9807
Though rooters were asking for more.
Brazil was to win
And save their dear skin,
At least till the next match in store.
--- Pablo Zum TP9807
And shall, for the nonce, remain nameless,
Though held in disgrace
For clutching his face,
Kindly pronounced himself blameless.
--- Rudy Froese
Got promoted and then went back down?
It was one of the three
But it mystifies me
Which is why I walk 'round with a frown.
--- Anon
We're taking these bozos to bits
Without breaking sweat
Or choking, and yet
I'm soaked to the skin - it's the pits!"
--- Anon
After playing, he went to his locker.
Then he took a cold shower,
Which lasted an hour.
His teammates think he went off his rocker.
--- William K Alsop Jr
And belted the ball so high.
With the keeper upset,
It went straight in the net,
And he said, "What a good boy am I."
--- Anon
Created the deuce of a scene:
"The grass is too long!
The tea is too strong!
And the damn shirts are not red, but green!"
--- Anon
Did little to help win some prizes.
When asked for a reason,
Said, "This is the season
My boots are of two different sizes."
--- Mary Lamp
Tomorrow at Anfield they'll play.
Just watch out you scousers,
We'll pull down your trousers!
For Dortmund it's Hip-hip-hoorray!
--- Anon
Who to the other team was a pest.
With his speed with the ball,
He dribbled them all,
While the other ten men had a rest!
--- David Harrowven
This is file crl
For sport, he's off watching the soccer.
While he stands by the goal,
I'll be licking her hole
Of pleasure, before I then focker.
--- Tiddy Ogg
English soccer fans flood the cantina.
To regret martial lore...
For who wins playing war,
Has to lose in the sporting arena.
--- Prof M-G TP9807
The football match." A big kiss he blew.
"Don't foreget," his mum said,
"A stout pipe made of lead.
Take your switchblade and brass knuckles, too."
--- Michael Weinstein P8605
A real wizard when he had the ball.
Pass, dribble or shoot,
With his left or right boot,
'Twas his pride that would lead to his fall!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Had ruptured a girl he was bedding.
Because she'd resist
The use of his fist,
He used her to practice his heading.
--- SFA
I'll try not to go with the flow.
It's rather absurd
To go follow the heard,
Though I might watch a second or so.
--- Peter Wilkins
For maybe a minute or two;
It starts before noon
Here; good heavens! So soon?
I must go without further ado.
--- Peter Wilkins
Here in the states disagree.
"Soccer"'s our name
For this kick-the-ball game,
That no one will watch on TV.
--- Baldy
As it's played in most civilized lands.
But things really get wild
(And that's putting it mild)
In the fights that break out in the stands.
--- Bob Birch P0800
Young Monica saw a Punk Rocker.
Just then big Nicole
Took a shot on the goal,
And flattened poor Monica's knockers.
--- Puff Adder
Took free kicks which dipped and then bent.
In a match on the telly,
He gave one some welly
And the keeper the wrong way was sent.
--- Anon
Who played in a black bowler hat.
When he ran down the wing,
He could not see a thing.
You can guess what the crowd thought of that!
--- Mary Lamp
As the cup was awarded Sunday.
The Frenchmen have won
Off the head of Zidane,
Who flew more than TWA.
--- Knotweed
Took a twenty-pound shot from his locker,
And some thread, and an awl,
Sewed the shot in the ball,
And was hailed as a consummate blocker.
--- Anon
Who played on the Island of Malta.
His kicks were so long
And the wind was so strong,
The ball ended up in Gibraltar.
--- Mary Lamp
"But boyfriends regard me with pity.
For I always tend
To shout 'York North End',
'Preston Forrest' and 'West Bromwich City'."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was at rugby, a staunch home-town booster.
A girl at the pub
Cheered the visiting club,
So Wooster the Booster just goosed her.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Who'd lower her lower parts down.
When feeling hot tongue
Tip tight up her bung,
She'd waft off a Newcastle Brown.
--- Anon
Licked smegma, and washed it all down.
Then chased it with sugar
And one gooey booger.
A felch? Penny. Pint? Half a crown.
--- Anon
He hated to play in the rain.
One day in a muddle
He stepped in a puddle
And got washed away in a drain.
--- Anon
Who bumped his brow on a door at a wedding.
It made his head swell,
But he said, "Just as well;
'Cause now I'll improve on my heading."
--- Anon
Was a truly unfortunate soul.
Once he sped, like a jet,
Kicked the ball in the net!
But nobody cheered him. Own goal.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who could score from all over the park,
But in the cup final,
His legs turned to vinyl,
And his shot hit the ref on the mark.
--- Paul Atkinson
It seems two family sibs got the posts.
To perform as emcees,
Which they managed with ease,
Two smooth father and son goalie hosts.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9807a
Thought rugger might offer new tricks.
He didn't go much
For kicking for touch,
But fancied the touching for kicks.
--- Cyril Mountjoy
Was paid at some very high rates.
But when he lost touch,
He wasn't worth much.
Now he just kicks around with his mates.
--- Mary Lamp
"I don't really do well with a spreader.
I prefer my free kicks
With a groupie who sticks
To that great scoring tactic--the header!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Took a penalty kick that went wide.
The next match, his brother,
Well, he missed another,
And now neither can get on a side.
--- Mary Lamp
And they need a ref who is tough.
If they tackle too hard,
They'll be shown the red card,
With the comment, enough is enough!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
If I don't, then it rains' and if I
Lament goals are too few --
That is, no more than two --
Guarantee at least three at next try.
--- Prof M-G TP9806
Was emitted by Monsieur Lemerre.
"Not only is Bruno
Now numero uno,
He's also got much nicer hair!"
--- Anon
Had a problem whenever she played.
When she jumped for a header,
Her breasts often lead her,
So she headed with nipples displayed.
--- K R Swift
Who scored a goal for the very first time.
The young man was glad,
But his teammates were sad,
He hadn't changed sides at halftime.
--- His Peace
Sus Scotland will end in one-nil. Ver-
Satile though they are,
Those dear Scots won't get far
And won't win a world soccer cup silver.
--- Peter Wilkins
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