To Olympics went queer Mr. Burke,
For he loved to see athletes at work.
There the whole day was spent
At his favored event,
Which was watching the snatch and the jerk.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1839A

A wanton young mermaid named Jones,
Elicited undersea moans,
From guys aqualunging
By saltily tonguing
Their divers erogenous zones.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Said a diver, "Cousteau, you're a clown,
To say we should only go down.
With the mask off my face,
It's too much of a race,
To get the lass off and not drown."
--- Oolong a

There once was a gymnast named Brett
Who said gently, "Now Brenda, don't fret.
It's safe, this position
We're in for coition,"
But they haven't untangled them yet.
--- David A Brooks

The Olympic Games are a bore;
Without sex events, they're a snore.
Let's have cross-country fucking,
And marathon sucking!
Isn't that what our bodies are for?
--- Writerman

When running, a young girl named Banner
Was plumbed by a man who outran her.
This man plumbed her so well
She went into a spell;
She had never been had in this manner.
--- Albin Chaplin

"Oh do me right now!", she implored,
As she spread her legs widely toward
Me. "Can't wait any longer;
My lust's getting stronger;
I need to be pierced with your sword."
--- Anon

"Oh god!", I thought, watching the match
On TV with my beer, "Can't you scratch
Yer own snatch? Stop yer bitchin'
And get to the kitchen
And ...Yesss! What a beautiful catch!"
--- Anon

"My love, can't I tempt you instead
With a passionate romp in our bed?"
And she stood right in front
Of me showing her cunt,
So I pushed her away as I said ...
--- Anon

..."Can't you see that I'm watching TV?
Stop your whining and cook us some tea."
"Well I hate you!", she said,
As she stormed off to bed,
"You think more of that baseball than me!"
--- Anon

"Thank god", I thought, "Who needs a dame
When you're watching your favorite game?"
So I opened a beer
And let out a great cheer,
As the number one striker took aim.
--- Anon

Then she flounced through the living room door
And announced, "I can't take any more.
So I'm leaving you now;
Back to mother's." "That cow?"
I exclaimed, "Well you're suited for sure."
--- Anon

Then she flew out the house and I knew
She would never come back. Was I blue?
I had joy in my heart,
As I heard her depart,
And looked forward to pastures anew.
--- Anon

The world's focus is on Atlanta,
And the new events cause all the banter.
The long-distance spit
And the vertical shit;
I bet the Yanks win in a canter.
--- Herkin

So Fergie with his team of thugs
Are treating opponents like mugs
There's really no way
The game that they play
Can finish with handshakes and hugs
--- Anon

I knew they were in for a licking -
Not even a point they'd be nicking
When Henry (the king)
Was seen on the wing
Receiving one hell of a kicking
--- Anon

The linesmen and Ref were abused
And Rooney and Keane stand accused
In face of this hell
The Gunners done well
But Wenger just wasn't amused
--- Anon

The match was a bluddy disgrace
With players in each other's face
United scored four
But Arsenal were poor
And now they are out of the race
--- Anon

Beggars can always be choosers;
Insomniacs -- very good snoozers;
The lamb wasn't Mary's;
the Springboks are fairies;
And the All Blacks are very good losers.
--- Friar TP9807

A gay lost his boots in a game
By a tackle that made him quite lame.
He said with a squeal
To the ref, "I appeal",
Who replied, "Yes you do. What's your name?"
--- H Myers T9801

In New Zealand some scribbling dill (dill - idiot)
Had scrawled on the window sill
'Australia Sux.'
I just said, 'Shucks',
And added 'New Zealand Nil.'

(must be soccer score - McW)
--- Don Laycock P8611

There was a young player named Kelly,
Who couldn't play 'cause of his belly.
When he ran on the pitch,
He caused a big ditch,
So he just watches games on the telly.
--- Mary Lamp

There once was a team from Brazil,
Who kicked at the ball with great skill.
They once met the Danes,
Who'd oiled their vanes,
And made the guys go through the mill.
--- Pablo Zum TP9807

The match had five goals in the score,
Though rooters were asking for more.
Brazil was to win
And save their dear skin,
At least till the next match in store.
--- Pablo Zum TP9807

A Brazilian forward who's shameless
And shall, for the nonce, remain nameless,
Though held in disgrace
For clutching his face,
Kindly pronounced himself blameless.
--- Rudy Froese

Was it City, United, or Town
Got promoted and then went back down?
It was one of the three
But it mystifies me
Which is why I walk 'round with a frown.
--- Anon

The coach cried "I'm losing my wits!
We're taking these bozos to bits
Without breaking sweat
Or choking, and yet
I'm soaked to the skin - it's the pits!"
--- Anon

Axel excelled playing soccer;
After playing, he went to his locker.
Then he took a cold shower,
Which lasted an hour.
His teammates think he went off his rocker.
--- William K Alsop Jr

Little Jack Horner once took a corner
And belted the ball so high.
With the keeper upset,
It went straight in the net,
And he said, "What a good boy am I."
--- Anon

A fiery Corkman called Keane
Created the deuce of a scene:
"The grass is too long!
The tea is too strong!
And the damn shirts are not red, but green!"
--- Anon

A striker who came from Devizes
Did little to help win some prizes.
When asked for a reason,
Said, "This is the season
My boots are of two different sizes."
--- Mary Lamp

Our Borussia is going away;
Tomorrow at Anfield they'll play.
Just watch out you scousers,
We'll pull down your trousers!
For Dortmund it's Hip-hip-hoorray!
--- Anon

There was a footballer called Best,
Who to the other team was a pest.
With his speed with the ball,
He dribbled them all,
While the other ten men had a rest!
--- David Harrowven

This is file crl

Young Marilyn's husband's a shocker.
For sport, he's off watching the soccer.
While he stands by the goal,
I'll be licking her hole
Of pleasure, before I then focker.
--- Tiddy Ogg

After losing to foe Argentina,
English soccer fans flood the cantina.
To regret martial lore...
For who wins playing war,
Has to lose in the sporting arena.
--- Prof M-G TP9807

"I'm off, Mums," said Stu, "Going to
The football match." A big kiss he blew.
"Don't foreget," his mum said,
"A stout pipe made of lead.
Take your switchblade and brass knuckles, too."
--- Michael Weinstein P8605

There was a footballer named Paul,
A real wizard when he had the ball.
Pass, dribble or shoot,
With his left or right boot,
'Twas his pride that would lead to his fall!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

An old soccer player from Reading
Had ruptured a girl he was bedding.
Because she'd resist
The use of his fist,
He used her to practice his heading.
--- SFA

The FIFA World Cup's on the go;
I'll try not to go with the flow.
It's rather absurd
To go follow the heard,
Though I might watch a second or so.
--- Peter Wilkins

The match against Sweden I'll view
For maybe a minute or two;
It starts before noon
Here; good heavens! So soon?
I must go without further ado.
--- Peter Wilkins

Now you call it "football" but we
Here in the states disagree.
"Soccer"'s our name
For this kick-the-ball game,
That no one will watch on TV.
--- Baldy

In soccer you can't use your hands,
As it's played in most civilized lands.
But things really get wild
(And that's putting it mild)
In the fights that break out in the stands.
--- Bob Birch P0800

While tending the goal at the soccer,
Young Monica saw a Punk Rocker.
Just then big Nicole
Took a shot on the goal,
And flattened poor Monica's knockers.
--- Puff Adder

A striker from somewhere in Kent
Took free kicks which dipped and then bent.
In a match on the telly,
He gave one some welly
And the keeper the wrong way was sent.
--- Anon

There once was a footballing cat,
Who played in a black bowler hat.
When he ran down the wing,
He could not see a thing.
You can guess what the crowd thought of that!
--- Mary Lamp

The crowds are now going away,
As the cup was awarded Sunday.
The Frenchmen have won
Off the head of Zidane,
Who flew more than TWA.
--- Knotweed

A goalie beleagured at soccer
Took a twenty-pound shot from his locker,
And some thread, and an awl,
Sewed the shot in the ball,
And was hailed as a consummate blocker.
--- Anon

There was a goalkeeper named Walter
Who played on the Island of Malta.
His kicks were so long
And the wind was so strong,
The ball ended up in Gibraltar.
--- Mary Lamp

"I'm a real football fan," said our Kitty,
"But boyfriends regard me with pity.
For I always tend
To shout 'York North End',
'Preston Forrest' and 'West Bromwich City'."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The Wodehouse-conceived Bertie Wooster,
Was at rugby, a staunch home-town booster.
A girl at the pub
Cheered the visiting club,
So Wooster the Booster just goosed her.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

A Geordie slut blew into town
Who'd lower her lower parts down.
When feeling hot tongue
Tip tight up her bung,
She'd waft off a Newcastle Brown.
--- Anon

She ate malt and hops by the pound,
Licked smegma, and washed it all down.
Then chased it with sugar
And one gooey booger.
A felch? Penny. Pint? Half a crown.
--- Anon

A skinny young striker from Spain,
He hated to play in the rain.
One day in a muddle
He stepped in a puddle
And got washed away in a drain.
--- Anon

There was a young striker from Reading
Who bumped his brow on a door at a wedding.
It made his head swell,
But he said, "Just as well;
'Cause now I'll improve on my heading."
--- Anon

A footballer, Twinkletoes Mole,
Was a truly unfortunate soul.
Once he sped, like a jet,
Kicked the ball in the net!
But nobody cheered him. Own goal.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There was a young man called Clark,
Who could score from all over the park,
But in the cup final,
His legs turned to vinyl,
And his shot hit the ref on the mark.
--- Paul Atkinson

At one of the soccer club's roasts,
It seems two family sibs got the posts.
To perform as emcees,
Which they managed with ease,
Two smooth father and son goalie hosts.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9807a

A gay soccer spectator from Wix,
Thought rugger might offer new tricks.
He didn't go much
For kicking for touch,
But fancied the touching for kicks.
--- Cyril Mountjoy

A footballer in from the States
Was paid at some very high rates.
But when he lost touch,
He wasn't worth much.
Now he just kicks around with his mates.
--- Mary Lamp

Says an ace soccer center named Fedder:
"I don't really do well with a spreader.
I prefer my free kicks
With a groupie who sticks
To that great scoring tactic--the header!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

There was a young player named Clyde
Took a penalty kick that went wide.
The next match, his brother,
Well, he missed another,
And now neither can get on a side.
--- Mary Lamp

Today some footballers are rough,
And they need a ref who is tough.
If they tackle too hard,
They'll be shown the red card,
With the comment, enough is enough!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

If I take an umbrella, it's dry.
If I don't, then it rains' and if I
Lament goals are too few --
That is, no more than two --
Guarantee at least three at next try.
--- Prof M-G TP9806

A plaintive cry of "It's not fair!"
Was emitted by Monsieur Lemerre.
"Not only is Bruno
Now numero uno,
He's also got much nicer hair!"
--- Anon

A cute soccer player named Jade
Had a problem whenever she played.
When she jumped for a header,
Her breasts often lead her,
So she headed with nipples displayed.
--- K R Swift

There once was a young man from Lyme,
Who scored a goal for the very first time.
The young man was glad,
But his teammates were sad,
He hadn't changed sides at halftime.
--- His Peace

A soccer match soon with Brazil ver-
Sus Scotland will end in one-nil. Ver-
Satile though they are,
Those dear Scots won't get far
And won't win a world soccer cup silver.
--- Peter Wilkins