Postal chess is here to stay,
And no reason why I shouldn't play.
It is nice and slow,
I can use my ECO,
It's the postage that I can not pay.
--- Bill Wall

There's something that chess computers lack;
It's not they know how to attack;
They can fork and pin;
They may lose, they may win.
But they just will never talk back.
--- Bill Wall

There was a queer fellow of Guelph
Who kept an odd game on the shelf.
Played like chess -- but no queen --
And some thought it obscene,
For the King could mate just with himself.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2095

A chess-player, Montague Spinner,
At a championship match was the winner.
All glasses were raised.
He was flattered and praised,
And served with pawn cocktails at dinner.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The pawn's move is subtle and dange-
Rous. One square or two it can range.
It takes on the slant;
Move backwards, it can't,
And en passant is even more strange.
--- Tony Davie

Said the pawn to the bishop, "I can't
Move like you, I'd just puff and pant.
You're obliquely generic,
You diagonal cleric.
Does your prick, when erect, point aslant?"
--- Anon

The Queen said, "Oh, Knight, you're devine!
And your horse! With appendage so fine!
Do you think that we three
Could go out to tea,
Then repair to a square and entwine?"
--- Tutta Gioia

The USCF rating's inflated,
But lower rate players elated.
They can lose every game,
But their rate stays the same,
Or even more highly elevated.
--- Bill Wall

Though at chess, young Albert is great,
Last night he had his first date.
She was not so impressed
With his improper requests,
And told him "Your breath is stale, mate."
--- Andrew Purdom

A young chess player said to his date,
"My dear, do you mind if we mate."
She said, "I can cook
And fondle your rook."
He said, "Stop the clock, it's too late."
--- M Buckley

Strip chess is a game where one bares
One's pieces on sixty-four squares.
The aim is to lose
So your partner has views,
So please don't wear too many layers.
--- Anon

Why not have a go at strip chess?
Your pieces I'd love to caress.
It might get obscene
When my knight takes your queen,
But at mating I think I'll impress.
--- Tiddy Ogg

In college I used to play chess;
I always wore some low-cut dress.
He forgot the game.
He forgot his name!
His strategy became a mess.
--- Marlene Lewis

Thought I was just being a flirt.
Made his pulse jump under his shirt.
Sacrificed a knight
When his jeans got tight.
Did not know someone would be hurt.
--- Marlene Lewis

I will never play chess again;
The board has too many men.
The Queen's trapped and placed,
Protected and chaste.
Let's go cuddle up in the den.
--- Marlene Lewis

I played chess with my robot at 10:00,
And he rapidly took all my men.
When I played him at 2:00,
I'd adjusted a screw,
And now I'm the master again.
--- Laurence Perrine Lib Lim

There once was a player from Maine,
Who played chess on a very fast train.
He took a move back
And was thrown off the track,
And he never did play chess again.
--- Bill Wall

There was a chess player named Quest;
At chess he was one of the best.
He played with great skill,
His opponent to kill.
Master Quest wasn't lacking in zest.
--- William K Alsop Jr

We intended to climb all the Alps,
But were standing there, scratching our scalps.
There are just so damn many;
Could we finish off any?
We can do just one alp, if that halps.
--- Rory Ewins Q

While climbing in Switzerland, how
He was tempted en route by a cow.
But he kept to his promise
To Heidi, did Thomas,
And climaxed atop the Jungfrau.
--- Peter Wilkins

Went camping with Sue and Louise,
Who erected my tent with some ease.
They spread mayonnaise
On my pole, which delays
Me from coming whenever I please.
--- PeterW

I know that I'm not telling tales
Those maps all got printed in Braille.
From her tits to her clit,
All the boys agreed it,
Was the best feel they had on the trail.
--- Anon

There was an old man from China,
Who wasn't a very good climber.
He slipped on a rock
And broke his cock,
And now he's got a vagina!
--- Anon

"I wondered wherever we went
On our camping trip," said Mr. Dent,
"How the Arabs today
Could steal quietly away
If they had to fold up this damned tent."
--- A N Wilkins P8407

In the Rockies a sturdy young guide
Used to take all the girls in his stride
At the top of the pass,
For he wanted his ass
With a true Continental Divide.
--- Keith MacMillan 96a

The mountain was steep and sheer;
Over the edge, the climber did peer.
He slipped and fell,
And didn't look well,
As across the rocks below he did smear.
--- Anon

There was a young climber named Mauch,
Whose brains must have slipped a whole notch;
He couldn't tell crampons
From feminine tampons,
And fell off his mistress's crotch!
--- Armand E Singer 449

An accomplished high-climber faced thirst,
And his lungs, starved of air, nearly burst.
With one painful last drag,
He surmounted the crag,
But nine Girl Guides had reached the top first.
--- David A Brooks

A French mountain climber named Jean
Developed a raging hard-on
While climbing a peak,
Whose name was so chic,
In Idaho, called "Grand Teton!"

(means 'big tit' in frog - McW)
--- Tutta Gioia

There was a young fellow named Mike
Who took his girl out on a hike.
She was had on the trail
While she held a hand rail,
And again going home on the bike.
--- Albin Chaplin

A student of cultures, McMahon,
Spent time in Tibet, so they're sayin';
He claimed local meat
Just couldn't be beat --
The natives remarked, "Himalayan."
--- Armand Singer

I must tell of a climber, McMahon;
What he did I'm ashamed to be sayin':
On top of a porter
And trying to court her,
His three tentmates did find Himalayan.
--- Armand Singer

Through acres of moutaineer's shit,
She climbed and attempted to sit
On Everest's huge peak,
But arose with a squeak;
"Gee, fellows, that freezes my clit!"

(in honor of first Brit woman to climb Everest)
--- Tiddy Ogg

This is file chl

Though her figure was knobby and slobby
Kay was easily mounted by Bobby.
Said he with a smirk,
"That was fun, Hon, not work...
For you see mountain climbing's my hobby!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 606

One Longbottom, climbing Ben Nevis
Fell forty feet into a crevice.
He was wedged by Ars Longa,
Recovered, got stronger,
Then passed out, RIP, Vita Brevis.
--- Anon

A young mountain climber named Weeks
Loved virgins with oversize cheeks.
He loved to explore
Where no man was before,
And he romped in the valleys and peaks.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1401

A young mountaineer from Nepal
Invented a new way to fall.
It worked out so well,
That no one could tell
Where he was - if he'd landed at all.
--- Michael Palin P0110

A cautious old man in Nepal
When viewing the mountains so tall
Thought: The thrill of a climb
May be somthing sublime,
But if I don't climb, I don't fall.
--- Warrick Elrod

A young mountain climber named Frazier,
Fell into a crack in a glacier.
"This is rally appalling!"
He shouted while falling,
Then he lapsed into total aphasia.
--- John Ciardi

A curious fellow named Kurt
Loved to climb Alpine peaks in a skirt.
He said it felt nice
In the snow and the ice,
And it kept those below more alert.
--- Michael Palin

There is a clean climber called Sykes
Who goes scrambling through ditches and dykes
To skate on his scalp
Down the side of an Alp
Is the kind of diversion he likes
--- James Joyce P9008

Close to Greybull, Wyoming, Mack George,
A good smith, owned a livery and forge.
He fell into one day
The abyss out that way,
Which thereafter was call "George's Gorge".

(take-off on Gorgeous George, effeminate wrestler of 1950's)
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9509

An old mountain climber named Frost
Engaged a fat whore at low cost.
With his pitons and rope,
He was scaling her slope,
But he slipped through a crack and got lost.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2076

A brave rock climber named Dowd
Performed for a marveling crowd.
He fell on his head,
But doesn't know he is dead,
And still he climbs through the cloud.
--- Greg St Pierre

Give your pecker erection a tweak;
Climb a 29000 foot peak.
Basic physical laws
Will undoubtedly cause
The stiffness your lady friends seek.
--- Peter

If your girl friend manhandles your spout,
At this height you'll be left in no doubt;
For the pressure within you
Expanding your sinew,
Is greater than pressure without.
--- Peter

Only two monor problems I'm told;
Lack of oxygen makes your knees fold.
While your gasping for air,
Your testicle pair
Will detach and drop off, it's so cold.
--- Peter

A bivvy bag (bivouac sack)
Takes the place of a tent in your pack,
When you've mountains to climb
And are wasting no time
Lugging canvas and poles on your back.
--- Rory Ewins

A climber of mountains named Whymper
Was known to observe with a simper,
"When you reach fifty-five,
And by chance still alive,
Your nerve like your dick becomes limper."
--- Armand E Singer 406

An alpinist couple named Boyle
Found climbing a glacier hard toil;
Said she, "I'll be generous,
Go scale my mons veneris,
That's one thing the Bergschrund can't spoil."
--- Armand E Singer 691

He climbed with his girl, a Grand Teton,
When suddenly she got a heat on.
He then drove his cock
Deep into a rock,
And impaled the poor girl on a piton.
--- John Miller

Climbing Everest, soon I felt beat.
Had to rest, even thought I'd retreat.
The altitude here
Climbs forever, I fear.
It's twenty-nine-thousand-odd feet!
--- Rory Ewins Q

I once on the Jungfrau assayed it;
She said she would never, belayed it.
Brought such a bad crampon
While wearing a tampon,
She called for arrete ere we made it.
--- Anon

"Just leave it, you rock-climbing creep!"
Said a team-mate, "I just need to sleep.
The peak is too high;
If we try it, we'll die.
It's arduous. Difficult. Steep."
--- Anon

In the winter they found climber Paul,
As he lay in the creek, clothes and all.
Said the coroner, Plummer,
"He's been dead since the summer,
And he died in the spring in the fall.
--- Albin Chaplin

There was a young girl called Jemima,
Who fancied herself as a climber.
Take her up to the rocks,
She will bound like a fox.
She'll go up the face like an old-timer!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

In the most posh of Alpine retreats,
Each guest the proprietress greets,
Is informed that she dreads,
Hiking gear on the beds,
And how trekker packs sully clean sheets.
--- Bob Giandomenico

Mountain climbing has left my dick sore,
Like it never has hurt me before.
What was different, you ask?
Hurt me so at this task?
I'll go to Mt Everest no more!
--- Jon Gearhart

A daring young caver named Lynn
Was deep in original sin.
While under Mendip,
Her man made her strip.
Then hammered a hard piton in.

(Mendip - range of hills in Somerset Shire)
--- Confused

There once was a whore lived in Duncan,
Whose cunt was incredibly suck in.
When with her in bed,
We wore lamps on our head.
Because it was just like spelunkin'.
--- Michael Thailand

I took a young girl, once, spelunking;
On the floor we ended up bunking.
Stroking with might
My rising stalagtite,
Till deep in her cave I was spunking.
--- Onewayout

Said a mountaineer in a Swiss town,
"I'm an expert who's won great renown.
I've climbed every one,
But my new way's more fun.
I start at the top and climb down.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

A neophyte climber named Cox
Popped uppers to get him up rocks,
But running down slopes
Used downers plus ropes,
To stop wearing holes in his socks.
--- Armand E Singer 77

With passionate kisses we spent
Last night in this field in Tashkent.
This morning the dew
Has soaked me right through;
Perhaps we should purchase a tent?
--- Nick

I once on the Jungfrau assayed it.
She said she would never. Belayed, it
Brought such a bad cramp on,
While wearing a tampon,
She called for arete ere we made it. (narrow ridge)
--- Rick O'Shay

An Alpine couple, making love on a strap,
Heard the buckle of their safety rope snap.
By unnatural acts,
He reached his climb axe.
Both got off and survived the mishap.
--- Bob Aldrich P0512Q

The archer Tell now has to try
To aim the arrow not too high,
But also not low
Yet through the target go
But miss the apple of his eye.
--- Irving Superior P8306