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Luigi, a chef from Mobile, I can't forget Melanie Singer, Melanie must of been quite a dish; A sordid old whore from Lapeer I went to fuck harlots at Kew, An innocent maiden, Miss Singer, Said Janet, "For now, use your pinkie. By chance, a young lady named Black A perverted young fellow named Nick In the cunt of a lady named Grace A cautious Oahu wahini The pin-headed Vermin-el-Sed, Good grief! Now the weather's turned hot; When Jon works his way to the hole, A neurotic young maid from Gillette A spy named Sophia got caught, Sophia considered it odd A charmer from old Amarillo, In Pentatette (not for eyes papal) In customs, returning Joe Gotch There was an odd princess named Pickles An oversexed woman named Jade A randy WAC sergeant named Flynn The tune that she played was just fair, There was a young lady from Kew The old miner inserted a funnel A thrifty old girl from Des Moines A pretty young woman named Bre, Since ladies are learning to hack, A lady who lives in Brisbane, If one doesn't mind painful scratches, Affixed to the skin, they're disgusting, Complete with one's name gold-embossed, The prissy old spinster, Miss Hodger, A waterpipe suited Miss Hunt, There was a young dolly called Molly While screwing a girl in Decatur, There once was a girl from Vancouver, My patent for preventing rape: As she slammed the car door, Mrs. Grits Up in Newell, a recluse named Sue, There once was a whore from Beluz, A mud wrestler known as Mean Jeanie Said she, as she spread on the sand, On the beach, I mate with sweet Kate, While walking alone on the shore, When the Good Lord created my Dinah, He prodded and poked for a while; Young Fatima Saud of Arabia Roxanne was a cat burglar's daughter, There was a mean witch of the Rhone, A lonely young widow named Cottle I did with my dick what you said, A cautious young lady named Hall A haggard old hag called Mathilda A prudish young teacher from Dudalk An unhappy young bride named McBryce There was a young lady from Wheatley, There was an old hooker Brazilian There was a young plumber named Simms, There was an old whore from Miami There was an old maid from Detroit The wife of a fellow named Steve An able old surgeon named Pease, There was a young surgeon named Fox, The noted philanthropist Fitches On sick leave was old harlot Barrett;
Had stuffed his wife's cunt full of veal.
He topped it with cheese,
Then got on his knees
And ate the world's best Roman meal.
--- David Miller
Who'd squirm as she sat on my finger,
Each day on the train,
And her sister Elaine;
The smell and the memory still linger.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Everything a young boy could wish.
I guess it was fated
That all girls I dated,
Were ugly and smelled like dead fish.
--- David Miller
Was fucked in the ass from the rear,
And her pussy smelled sweeter
For there issued a peter
Which had lodged in her crotch for a year.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0932
But was forced to wait in a queue.
I spied out the trouble,
Some dick was bent double,
And prying it out with a cue.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose teacher in swimming would swing 'er,
After twenty-five lessons
Did question his presence:
"Will I sink if you pull out your finger?"
--- Michael Weinstein P8606
My dad did and somehow I think he
Got off, 'cause some goo
Appeared on his shoe...
And his finger came out really stinky!"
--- John Miller
Was born with a tongue in her crack,
Which left Pierre so distraught
For he often licked twat,
But he never had one lick him back.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0790
Had a very magical trick:
He stuck in his tongue,
And both of his thumbs,
At the same time, he stuck in his dick!
--- Sonny TP9802
By some freak, there a tongue grew in place.
A lad spread out her thicket
And he got down to lick it,
But the cunt licked him first in the face.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0817
Keeps her business filled up with a weenie.
She opines, "I'm no fool...
If it ain't full of tool,
It is likely to shrink and get teeny!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 38 a
Whose drooping equipment is dead,
Gets his pleasures of nights
And gives houris delights
By inserting his bald, pointed head.
--- Grand Prix Lim 855
It's got steamy, much darker and -- what
Did you say to me Jan?
"I said fuck's sake young man;
Get yer head out; it's stuck up my twat."
--- Anon
He'll find it is plugged with Trav's pole.
A menage a trois?
Carol's big coup de grace?
A surplus of meat is her goal.
--- Randog
Thought her boyfriend a bit of a threat;
So she stuffed her desire
With a coil of barbed wire
And he hasn't got through to her yet.
--- Hugh Oliver A126Ba
And was taken away to be shot!
She stared with wide eyes
At the gun's immense size,
Then moaned as it throbbed in her twat!
--- Lims For Year - 01
Getting blown away with a wad,
But was thrilled that the dong
Was as thick and as long,
On each man in the firing squad!
--- Lims For Year - 01
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
Decided one day
That to keep men away,
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
--- Ray A Billington G2241
There appeared a nude shot of Miss Maple.
I bent quickly to lick
That centerfold slick
But my tongue was ripped up by the staple.
--- Al Chaplin P8701a
Smuggled in quite a valuable watch.
The searched all his effects
But forgot his wife's sex,
For there ticked the watch in her crotch.
--- Grand Prix Lim 429
Who loaded her cavern with nickles...
She smirked, "I'm a Queen...
I'm a vending machine...
With my box full of nickels, it tickles!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 570
Spread her legs to insert a grenade.
In an endless orgasm,
Her cunt was in spasm,
When found the next day in Belgrade.
--- Lims For Year - 01
Shoved a hand grenade all the way in.
Flaming bits of her cunt
Killed two Krauts at the front,
While her garter belt fell on Berlin.
--- Lims For Year - 01
But with legs sticking up in the air,
The harmonica's stuck
In the place made to fuck,
And entangled in long pubic hair.
--- Anon
Whom the men all delighted to screw.
She had stuffed up her scrotch
The works of a watch--
When they fucked her, my God! how time flew!
--- G2383
In the cunt of a whore named Miss Brunnel.
Then he shouted with glee
And he said, "I can see;
There's a light at the end of the tunnel!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1521
Used her pussy for keeping her coins.
Although it sounds strange,
She could make exact change,
By spreading and squeezing her loins.
--- Alex Heydon P0408
Would open her legs and you'd see,
With the help of a light,
And an angle just right,
The lock where you'd insert your key.
--- Bob Birch P0507
I'll mention advice from the FAQ
That was written by phreaks
Regarding techniques:
"Don't put dongles inside of your crack."
--- Anon
Complained of abdominal pain.
Said young Doctor Kildare,
"There's a pipe wrench up there."
"Oh dear," she replied, "Not again!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Quite useful are stainless steel latches,
That anchor securely
One acting impurely
With greasy and fat bitches' snatches.
--- Travis Brasell
These latches, but there'll be no rusting.
And while they're appalling,
They'll keep one from falling
Inside such a snatch one is thrusting.
--- Travis Brasell
These latches are worth their high cost.
Since, though they aren't cheap,
They're strong and will keep
A boffer from e'er getting lost.
--- Travis Brasell
This is file bhl
Fears most she'll be raped by her lodger;
And so each night she lies,
A steel trap 'twixt her thighs,
Which she's certain will catch the old codger.
--- Al Kracht P9902a
Who used it for many a bunt.
But the unlucky wench got it caught in her trench.
It took twenty-two men and a big Stilson wrench,
To get the thing out of her cunt.
--- L1278
Who jollied herself with a brolly. (Brit for umbrella)
And 'spite all her gropin'
She couldn't extract it, by golly.
--- Anon
Joe reached in and pulled out a vibrator.
"So that's," said Yvonne,
"Where the damned thing has gone."
Joe pulled out an old Coke bottle later.
--- Michael Weinstein P9612a
Who had an affair with her Hoover.
With a passionate twitch,
She kicked on the switch,
And it took several men to remove her.
--- Anon
A zipper along what's agape.
In Velcro next dip
Each hair, base to tip,
Then criss cross it all with Scotch Tape.
--- Irving Superior P8802
Removed both her scarf and her mitts,
And she felt pretty snug
With her hot coffee mug,
In that place where a coffee mug fits.
--- Bob Birch
Hid her jewels quite well out of view.
With her cranny thus filled,
She soon ground down her dild-
O, which left her with nothing to do.
--- Pierce Evans
Who was fucking a man just because,
From her cunt fell a brick,
He yelled "Girl are you sick?"
She said, "No, but the guy before was."
--- Anon
Said as she donned her bikini,
"Whenever I lose
I get mud in my cooze,
'Nuff to grow a small crop of zucchini."
--- P8503a
"I just hate to get sand in my gland,
For it tortures me scraping...
While I enjoy japing,
It's the sand in my gland I can't stand."
--- Grand Prix Lim 835 a
The sand everywhere we both hate;
It couldn't be worse
With sand in her purse,
And crabs crawling 'round on my date.
--- David Miller
A man found a very nice whore,
Or so the man thought
Till he plunged in her twat,
And he found there was sand in her bore.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1659
He didn't take care to design her
The way that he should have
Or he never would have
Left sandpaper up her vagina.
--- Michael Horgan
She flashed him an Arabic smile,
And spat him some snot.
"You'll not hump my twat,
It's clogged with the sands of the Nile."
--- Anon
Looks gorgeous, but watch it, she may be a
Bit scratchy down there,
On account of her hair
And the sharp gritty sand on her labia.
--- Peter Wilkins
Stealing diamonds the way he had taught her;
Having hid the hot rocks,
In a pouch up her box,
She would relish the search if they caught her.
--- Anon
Who cursed an old harlot named Joan.
Not a man was amused,
Au contraire, they were bruised,
For they found she'd been plugged up with stone.
--- Limericks For John
Sought solace with bouts with the bottle.
(We're not dealing with drink
As you probably think --
She jammed the damned thing up her twattle.)
--- Armand E Singer 307
With such force that we went through the bed.
Yep, she felt all my power
For over an hour,
But I rammed the bottle through her head!
--- Anon
Has a diamond as big as a ball...
If we told where she keeps
It at night when she sleeps,
Man, you wouldn't believe us at all.
--- Grand Prix Lim 428 A
Fell madly in love with a builder,
Who mixed up some sand
And some gravel by hand,
With a bag of cement 'til he filled her.
--- Peter Wilkins
Has this very peculiar walk,
And it's sad to relate
What has caused her strange gait--
She has plugged up her vagina with chalk.
--- Michael Horgan
Has a husband who came in a trice.
But she managed to cool
His impetuous tool
By stuffing her cunt with dry ice.
--- G2410
Who dressed in a manner quite neatly.
She was had by Sir John
From late evening to dawn,
And she had to refurbish completely.
--- Albin Chaplin
Whose pussy was blue and vermilion.
When a friend asked her why,
She replied, somewhat wry,
"It's because of the fuckers -- one million."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0406
Who acted on impulse and whims.
When he dates Miss Bruce,
Who was said to be loose,
He brought plenty of caulking and shims.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2506
Whose work hole got just a bit clammy.
But this they repaired
And even re-haired,
By grafting the skin of a chamois.
--- Armand E Singer 145a
Whose twat grew as huge as a quoit.
To spice her desires,
She crimped it with pliers --
A trick you'll agree was adroit.
--- Armand E Singer 75
Gave him pain and much reason to grieve.
She taunted him so,
Saying, "Why don't you go?"
He said, "Give me your cunt and I'll leave."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0347
Refitted worn cunts with great ease.
But one whore was left bitter
For he carelessly fit her;
The damn thing hung down to her knees.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0572
Who built for a whore a new box.
Through a lack of discretion,
She lost her profession,
For it failed to accomodate cocks.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1781
Left all of his wealth and his riches
To the scientist Jeans,
Who invented a means
For extracting good cunts from old bitches.
--- Albin Chaplin
She took some time off to repair it.
Since the madam was short,
She returned to the sport,
Where she just had to grin and to bear it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1756
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