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He travelled for 200 miles, It's not fun being sick with colitis, There was a poor patient named Titus, A certain quack surgeon named Hayman, There was a young man in Monette (soubrette - frivolous young woman)
Said that costive old pooper, McCue, There was a young girl from Vistula, (published 1879)
The King sat on CHATOYANT throne, There once was a fellow named Floyd Those hemorrhoids can be so cruel. A stingy old man of St. Giles, A professor who taught at Holyoke, All this talk of the hemorrhoid? A queer fellow went bumming at Lloyd's, Boyd became very annoyed; Though Ann was a victim of piles, The Honorable Judge Boyd's This story is really the pits; There is an old fellow named Giles An unfortunate teen named Giles, This has been a quick education, A young physicist working for Myles From the depths of the crypt at St. Lloyd's There was an old man from the Isles, Hemorrhoids don't provoke any smiles, There once was a funny masked stranger I'll tell you about Norma Styles, In her ads for that cream, she was sly; My dear, you're the sweetest for miles; If hemmorrhoids make you feel glum, The advice that you give is quite fair. When you have them, it's surely no joke, There once was an old cherry saver, A spotty street sweeper from Hackney A young engineer named Dalrymple, There was a poor woman named Hackney, A lonely young lass named Louise Simon had a very big pimple; "Is that boil on the end of his dick?", A girl had a problem quite pressing, A dumb whore all covered in boils Rubbing those oils in her snatch "Where the hell's your REAL prick?" "Why, then, take it off?" she did scoff. "I'm gonna get out my steel root Erosive sores the skin does CANKER Said Susie, "I sure hope this junk'll That CINGULAR rash, if you please, My girlfriend, a buxom young lass, It's said. "Life, like a river, does flow." I'd run to your house in a dash, There once was a hacker named Cyrus, "Look! It's snowing," said Fritz in Berlin, The American public is rough My darling, we make a great match; There once was a lass with a rash There was a man from the jungle There once was an ugly old witch There was a bald fellow named Ben Seamus Kelly was very upset There was a young lady from Michigan I had to go see the doc's, There was a strange man from LeGrange, (blancmange - sweet milk dessert)
There was a young man from Tibet A zit! Oh my God, It's a zit! The answer my friend is quite simple;
To find a cure for his giant piles;
Along they did drag,
(Wouldn't fit in a bag),
Though their sight caused much laughter and smiles.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
It's sort of a gut dermatitis.
The form ulcerative
Is quite demonstrative.
I'd rather have bad gingivitis.
--- Bob Phillips
Afflicted with painful phlebitis,
In addition to which
As he often would bitch,
Most all of his craps caused colitis.
--- Armand E Singer 488
Who learned most his trade from a shaman,
Used the roughest of files
On a patient with piles --
Which doesn't impress a mere layman.
--- Armand E Singer 262
Who went out with a dainty soubrette.
He spent the whole night
Up her ass, which was tight--
His doctor makes calls on him yet.
--- G1016
As he strained at his guts In the loo;
"I don't mind bloody piles--
It's those damned doctors' smiles
As I tuck in my ass lining, too."
--- Armand Singer
To whom a friend said, "Jeff has kissed you, la!"
Said she, "Yes, by God!
But my arse he can't sod,
Because I am troubled with fistula."
--- L1618
Where his piles would not leave him alone.
The gems were quite rough,
The sort of hard stuff
That caused him with great pain to moan.
--- Chris Papa
Who had an inflamed hemorrhoid,
Which when fully blown
Was hard as a stone,
And many a phallus destroyed.
--- Phil T
I don't mean to talk out of school.
A tough piece of shit,
Not a place to sit,
The cause is a hard piece of stool.
--- Tom Myers
Saved his shillings with miserly wiles.
Just to save a few bob,
He would wipe with a cob,
And that way he got piles and piles.
--- L1683
Had a bung like a ripe artichoke.
She was greatly annoyed
That each hemmorrhoid,
Always quivered whenever she spoke.
--- L0705
An affliction I'd rather avoid!
An itchy but
While I'm busting a nut,
Would really get me annoyed.
--- Dave
But now all his friends he avoids.
As a gay homosexual
He was most ineffectual,
And is now nursing wet hemorrhoids.
--- Grand Prix Lim 419 G0998
He thought his young lover deployed,
By way of insertion,
Without much exertion,
A sex toy -- but 'twas only a 'rhoid.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
She met penetrations with smiles,
For all of her tush
Was covered in bush,
Where you could redeem your Hair Miles.
--- Anon
Ass was full of hemorrhoids.
Too bad, 'cause he's gay,
So he, needless to say,
Got no compensation from Lloyd's.
--- Mr Blister
This talk of roids where one sits.
But I have no doubt
That I too would shout
If I had both the roids and the shits.
--- Staroak
Who suffers from pendulous piles
So he hangs from his belt
A small pouch made of felt
And now he is nothing but smiles.
--- Anon
Was badly afflicted with piles.
The doc gave him an ointment,
A sad disappointment,
The girls smelled him coming for miles.
--- L1393
'Cause I've had this itching sensation
Inside my ass.
I'm told it will pass
If I use this H preparation.
--- Frank Fazed
Left a couple of lead-covered vials
On the seat of his chair.
When he got up from there
He had an-atomic-al piles.
--- John Ciardi
Came a scream even heard on asteroids.
Said the vicar, "Oh, Man!
Could it be Billy Graham
Has forgotten the Bishop has hemorrhoids?"
--- Arthur Deex P0010
Who suffered severely from piles.
He couldn't sit down
Without a deep frown,
So he had to row standing for miles.
--- G1446
Even using the alias piles.
They're a pain in the ass
When you're passing gas,
And your screaming can shatter the tiles.
--- Staroak
Who looked like a man called "Lone Ranger."
He'd been sitting, of course,
Too long on his horse,
And his bottom was signaling "danger".
--- Edwin J Weinstein
The richest bitch 'round here for miles.
She's know as the queen
Of the haemorrhoid cream...
And now, lads, she's sitting on piles.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"It's the truth -- cross my heart -- hope to die;
Put Prep H on in gobs,
Swab it on where it throbs,
And then, kiss your haemorrhoids goodbye!
--- Allen Wolverton
I see you, my face wreathes in smiles.
The touch of your hand
Makes me feel rather grand...
Come, smooth soothing cream on my piles.
--- Anon
And they itch when you're trying to come,
The discomfort will pass
By spreading your ass,
And stuffing them back with your thumb.
--- PeterW
I've seen big hemmorrhoids, I declare!
It can be quite nice,
If you pack them in ice,
Then let someone else stuff them up there.
--- Cheryl
But they are more fun to poke.
There's really no doubt,
'Cause they slide in and out,
Which makes for a much longer stroke.
--- MrMalo
Whose ass had a wonderful flavor.
Men queued up for miles
For a taste of her piles,
Which really were something to savour.
--- Anon
This is file bgm
Had terrible problems with acne.
"An alternative career,
Is what I need here,"
So he started in a custard factory.
--- Lisa D
Resolved all his problems so simple.
When the facts were all read,
He brought them to a head,
And he squeezed them all out like a pimple.
--- Albin Chaplin
Who suffered from terminal acne:
Huge zits on her nose,
On titties, on toes,
And up her posterior crackney.
--- Armand E Singer 679
Could surely attract men with ease,
Except for the presence
In her adolescence
Of zits from her tits to her knees.
--- Rmac
His mom said, "Hold still, this is simple."
But a dimple he feared
If the pimple she speared,
So he fled in a manner quite nimple.
--- Anon
In the nudist camp, Jean said to Mick.
"Now Mick, that appalls!"
"No Jean, that is called
Arthur, the useless fat prick."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Boils on her ass, how depressing.
As I ate her, they burst,
And the thought I had first,
Was Kraft's Blue Cheese Salad Dressing.
--- Anon
Got from her doctor some oils,
That when rubbed upon her
Made her moan in grandeur;
She comes in delight as he toils.
--- Anon
Where most of the boils were attached
They most needed lanced
So the doctor depantsed
And his prosthetic penis detached
--- Anon
He replied, "I lost my true dick
On a patient like you,
When I offered to
Lance her boils and my dick fell off quick."
--- Anon
He said, "'Cause you need a good boff --
And if you think I'm stickin'
My best plastic dick in
That cess pool, you've got to be off!"
--- Anon
To get those boils off your coot.
See here, it's all prickly
Like a porcupine, stickly,
These barbs will clean out your whole chute!"
--- Anon
Arising oft in places danker.
Though pain should alert
Spreading to avert,
And thereby avoid partner rancor.
--- Daniel Ford
Get rid of this horrid carbuncle
Right here on my twat,
Which I'll betcha I got
From either my dad or my uncle.
--- Anon
Presumes a recurrent disease:
Old chickenpox, mister,
Or "shingles" that blister,
With pain that sends you to your knees.
--- Chris Papa
Lay happily back on the grass:
"It's such a nice treat
To be off my feet--
Thank God I've no corns on my ass!"
--- Norm Storer
And days, like quicksilver, do go.
And though I should be hopping
Up, grocery shopping,
I just wanted to pop in, you know.
--- Anon
And take off my shirt in a flash.
Put on my best teddy,
And give you some heady,
If you have some cream for this rash.
--- Anon
Who developed a cytomegalovirus.
To the dermis it seems
Skin dropped off in reams,
In layers as thin as papyrus!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
(He's a rather fat guy with bad skin).
It's his head which he shakes
That produces the flakes,
And the winter has yet to begin.
--- Joeri
On those who do scatter dandrufff.
Why it's a stigma
Remains an enigma,
On a par with the dipping of snuff.
--- Timothy Torkildson
You itch and I love to scratch.
I'm so lucky to find
A girl of like mind,
With a permanent dry scaly patch.
--- Mark
Which circled her head like a sash.
When she tried to erase
The rash from her face,
The doc said he needed more cash.
--- Edwin J Weinstein B
Whose life was a complete bungle.
He cried all the time,
Without reason or rhyme,
Because his feet were all fungal.
--- Emily Kocubinski
Who denied that she looked like a bitch.
But she caught a disease
From a band of young fleas
And expired of the galloping itch.
--- Norm Storer
With a lump on his head, called a wen.
But from its shape and its size,
You tried not to surmise
That it wasn't laid there by a hen.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
At the trophy he won on a bet.
It's a rare impetigo,
Endemic in Sligo,
And now his chin's constantly wet.
--- Anon
Whose butt had just begun to itch again;
Bought a cream with some cash,
But it just made a rash,
And which caused her husband to bitch again.
--- Bee54jay
As I thought I'd got chicken pox.
But it was the freckles I had;
I've had since I was a lad,
And my sister'd been joining the dots.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose pubic hair had the mange.
The roots fell out,
And his dick got the gout,
And his balls turned into blancmange.
--- Anon
And over each zit he would fret.
Every promise of cure
With ads of allure,
Kept him for sure in great debt.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
And it's bloody enormous! Oh shit!
On the end of my nose;
It's revolting! Suppose
I just give a small squeeze to it?
--- Peter Wilkins
To quote from my good friend Dalrymple,
"You must understand
Not all things are planned."
That's why you should not squeeze a pimple.
--- Puff Adder
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