Neil Down and his boy-toy Ben Dover It was just a par for the course; He sat on his bed's edge nightly, The heartbreak disease called psoriasis The street whore's low ways scarred her babies; Scabies is not so much fun, I said to my big sister Isis, There was a young man of Berlin, This whore from the town of Biarritz There was a young man from Melrose A lady in Port Birkenhead A thin hairy man from Belize I've got something to fix your wagon, You'd think that by now, I would know Sex on the beach can be fun, (SPF - sun protection factor, measure of sunscreens)
Large vessel (small crew) known as tanker There was a young lady from Hitchin A sultan who lived in St. Ives I was playing the sergeant at snooker There once was an obsessive wanker The promiscuous lady called Mame A bragging old seaman named Mitch, A student of social diseases To pander, the verb, means procure. A feckless Don Juan, Randy Shores, To Newark I went, on a trip. Basil said to his mate, There was a young coed named Lydia There once was an Argentine gaucho, A certain young rake from Sonoma I don't know that much of disease; Old Ron Maguire went to New York, Stella appears quite demure;
This is file bfm
I used to think Stella was nice; A clapped out old queen from Darjeeling A diver by the name of McEnnis (Pacific coast jellyfish)
A satiated tart on a yacht, Diseased is a hooker from Leicester, He's drunk as a skunk on bad wine. I once gave a lady affection Very luckless, a swinger named Moore; Lin Fong was a horny Chinese A promiscuous young Polynesian You've given zirconium, cubic. There once was a man from Scotch Plains, I have finally reached a decision, But darling, that just can't be true, A young rake with a venereal curse, In the 60s we never did see I once had a girlfriend named Jen; Venereal disease is not nice; A randy young man called King You haven't got no diseases, There was an old Bishop whose wanker Army lecture on sexual hygiene: A geezer in old Mexico Don't think that they had any catching They'll deliver on time this V.D., (S T D - sexually transmitted disease)
Remember, there was old man Nitz, "My goodness, I've grown rather blotchy!" A lad from the southwest Crimea There was a young girl from Mauritius, A naive girl named Louise, His nuts later blistered profuse. A man with a throbbing erection, A hairy-faced bitch from The Barrens Venereal disease is insidious
Were out rollin' round in the clover.
As they romped 'neath the trees
They grew itchy, you see;
Poison ivy was out all over.
--- Anon
They both quickly noticed the source.
And as they grew itchy,
'Stead of growin' bitchy,
Said "You scratch my crack, I'll scratch yours."
--- Anon
Gripping with his fingers tightly.
Many times he'd pop;
Discharge did not stop,
As he squeezed the pimples unsightly!
--- Anon
Will inspire you to ask, "Oh, God, why izzis?"
I flake and I peel
And my skin looks unreal;
Blind dates say, "What kind of a guy izzis?"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8512
The first two came foaming with rabies.
Crack addled the brothers;
Smack feebled the others;
The last four were encrusted with scabies.
--- Bruce Thompson
When your body weight's close to a ton.
If your ass starts to itch,
Reaching 'round is a bitch,
And the scratching is never quite done.
--- Anon
"Those blotches are really no crisis.
For though they are bumpy,
Red, scaly and lumpy,
You still are a sight for psoriasis."
--- Keith Gilman P0109
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin.
But he said with much pride,
"Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in."
--- L1084
Said, "I'm sporting a pair of great zits."
"Well, sit on my knees;
Lets give them a squeeze."
(He thought she said "two great big tits.")
--- Al Willis T9711
Who had a large thing on his nose.
One on his back,
And three in his sack,
And four between each of his toes.
--- Michael Palin
Was treating her skin, rough and red;
Applied lanolin
From her ankles to chin
And kept slipping out of the bed.
--- VOL 6
Got some strange-looking spots on his knees.
They spread to his thumb,
Then all of his bum.
Look out! -- He's got a disease!
--- Spike Mulligan
Since burnt skin means no chance of shaggin'.
I'll break out the lotion
And rub with devotion,
But first please puff my magic dragon.
--- Anon
To use some sunscreen when I go
Outside in the sun.
Now I'm overdone
And puffy with a beet red glow.
--- Carol
Making love in the noonday sun.
But if you eschew
SPF 22,
You'll wind up with a sunburnt bun.
--- Dreamarill a
Did carry mates whom germs did canker.
No anchor could they haul,
So the sea claimed them all,
When the ship found the rocks that sank her.
--- Daniel Ford
Who suffered from terrible itchin'.
She tried all sorts of lotions
And powders and potions
But finally settled from twitchin'.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Had a terrible case of the hives.
He said, "All this itching
Comes from nagging and bitching,
And marrying too many wives."
--- Clements & Wilson P9803
When I spied on his hand a verruca. (venereal wart)
I reached in my pocket
Withdrew a small rocket,
And blasted it with a bazooka.
--- Rory Ewins
Whose hand had developed a CANKER.
So he turned to his mate.
His libido to sate,
But not once did he think to thank her.
--- Daniel Ford
Has more lovers than people can name.
She contracted an itch
From some son-of-a-bitch,
But she doesn't know which one to blame.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0411
Could diddle a lass in a stitch,
'Til one diddled him better
And now he'll regret her,
For Mitch has a curious itch.
--- Garold Amadon
Explained to his Prof, "Holy Jesus!
Do you mean to tell me
That I must get VD,
Before I can write up my thesis?!"
--- Norm Storer
Although one is never quite sure,
If he's getting she,
Or she's getting he.
They both may well soon need a cure.
--- Larry Davis P8511
Consorts with filthy old whores;
It was groovy to lay back,
But much less so the payback:
Big buboes and pustulous sores.
--- Armand E Singer P0305
A cabbie soon gave me a tip,
Where I could employ
A teenaged sex toy...
My peter continues to drip.
"I'm just not one to berate.
I gave her chlamydia,
I got from Olivia.
Fair exchange, we have a clean slate."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
Who suffered from chronic chlamydia.
But the cause of those itches
That she felt in her britches,
Was a virus that's called citmorbidia.
--- Bob Birch P0109
Inspired by comedian Groucho.
He found his Olivia;
She gave him chlamydia;
There's an itch in his testicles' poucho
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
Was cursed with a huge condyloma; (genital wart)
No wonder he bitched:
The goddamned thing itched
And gave off a noxious aroma.
--- Armand Singer
Bear with me on that, if you please.
You surpass me by far
In this area. You are
Really a connoisseur of VD's.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And had him a quite yeasty fork.
He got crabs up his ass,
Felt like he was pissing glass,
And got pimples all over his dork.
--- Brad & Broni
She pretends to be virginal, pure.
But the stuff that flies south
From her pretty wee mouth
Proves her mind is a bloody great sewer.
--- Anon
I've dreamed about kissing her, twice.
But my ardor has waned,
Since I've found that she's gained
Some infections and large pubic lice.
--- Anon
Complained of a distict lack of feeling,
But the rags that he wore
On the tip of his sore,
Left his customers quite sick and reeling.
--- Anon
Found something odd on the end of his penis.
"I'm really not sure,
And I've been wrong before,
But it looks like Cyclosalpa affinis."
--- Lisa D
Had cystitis and went to a doc;
"Ah dear patient," peered he,
"I do see from this wee,
A huge surplus of seamen - that's hot!"
--- Tony Crafter P0506
Whose privates have started to feicester;
She is greatly dismayed
For she loves being laid,
Yet gets no requeicests this semeicester.
--- Armand Singer
He thinks that his pecker's real fine.
It's limp and it leaks;
Been drippin' for weeks.
That stuff ain't the fruit of the vine.
--- Bonnie
By giving her my large collection
Of dried butterflies,
Bugs and moths from the skies;
In return, she gave me an infection!
--- Anon
He had sex with a scrofulous whore.
The results insurmountable:
Oozing pustules uncountable,
Plus his privates fell off on the floor.
--- Armand Singer
Who unhappily caught a disease.
So he dipped his peeny
In a double martini;
Now he screws with the greatest of ease.
--- Larry Wilde
Loved a man whom she thought was Norwegian.
His true race came to light
After a passionate night
When she broke out in French foreign lesions.
--- David S
You've tried to solve puzzles by Rubic.
Be undoubtedly glad
If you haven't had
The burgeoning infections, pubic.
--- Larry Davis P8601
Who thought he could dance like Claude Rains.
He got on the floor,
And danced with a whore,
And now he has genital pains.
--- Tomer Shiran
Sick and tired of the scorn and derision
From the genital warts
That poke out of my shorts;
I am going to go for excision.
--- Anon
For I've been with no other than you.
I know that that wart,
Of a genital sort,
Came from you and your penis of blue!
--- Anon
Was getting a shot by the nurse.
He'd better not heed to
His gung-ho libido,
Or he's dragging his heels in a hearse.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
The upshot of "Beach Blanket Party"
Where young Gidget went ape
And events then took shape
Which led to her Rx: STD.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2005
I loved her and held her and then,
Between both her knees,
I got a disease!
Won't share my valentine again
--- Anon
Sores look like you're nibbled by mice.
And on the skin GLABROUS,
Things get quite scabrous.
So, condom use is good advice.
--- Chris Papa
Got a chancre upon his bowstring.
But he went ballistic
In ways onanistic,
So of course his old frenum went zing!
Never a cough or a sneezes.
Tested now twice,
Isn't that nice.
From your pants now, just releases.
--- Arden
Developed a hideous canker.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"It finally squirts when I spank 'er."
--- Dennis M Hammes
Finger-test your hot doll's love machine;
For ten seconds, you linger;
Pull out, shake your finger;
Your nail won't fly off if she's clean!
--- Allen Wolverton
Complained he was peeing too slow.
Prostate isn't your trouble,
Said wise doctor Hubble.
It's a bug from Maria the Ho'!
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0609
Diseases to pass with their snatching
Of love from this twit,
But since you mentioned it,
I can't seem to stop with this scratching...
--- Anon
If you're careless like I was, you'll see.
Keep about you, your wits;
Don't get blinded by tits,
Or the flowers will come "S" T. D.
--- Anon
Who put his dick whereby it fits.
Diving through the thatch,
He found that her snatch
Was covered with very large zits.
--- Anon
Cried Jeeves, when he looked at his crotchy.
"That lass on her knees
Denied a disease,
But the truth I have learned from her twatchy!"
--- Travis Brasell
Caught something that ended in "-rhea,"
Like "dia-" or "mono-"
Or "logo-" or "gono-"
For which there's no known panacea.
--- Armand E Singer 263
Who said, "That last bit was delicious.
But if you don't mind,
We'll postpone the next grind,
As that spot on your tool looks suspicious."
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Thought the moon was made of green cheese.
This gullible she
Was heard to agree:
Moby Dick's a venereal disease.
--- Anon B
He knew it was from that ol' cooze.
'Twas what soldiers call
"The ol' musk-et ball",
And seamen, "ol' vesicle ooze".
--- Anon
Forgetting the prudent protection,
Took a roll on the floor
With a questionable whore,
And now has a nasty infection.
--- Anon
Enhanced our love-play with live herons.
That girl was so foul,
The drip from my dowel
Had only one cure: interferons.
--- Anon
And the end results horribly hideous!
It's best, on the whole,
To make cleaness your goal,
Even when you're not really fastidious.
--- Grand Prix Lim 843 G1921