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Neil Down and his boy-toy Ben Dover
Were out rollin' round in the clover.
As they romped 'neath the trees
They grew itchy, you see;
Poison ivy was out all over.
--- Anon

It was just a par for the course;
They both quickly noticed the source.
And as they grew itchy,
'Stead of growin' bitchy,
Said "You scratch my crack, I'll scratch yours."
--- Anon

He sat on his bed's edge nightly,
Gripping with his fingers tightly.
Many times he'd pop;
Discharge did not stop,
As he squeezed the pimples unsightly!
--- Anon

The heartbreak disease called psoriasis
Will inspire you to ask, "Oh, God, why izzis?"
I flake and I peel
And my skin looks unreal;
Blind dates say, "What kind of a guy izzis?"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8512

The street whore's low ways scarred her babies;
The first two came foaming with rabies.
Crack addled the brothers;
Smack feebled the others;
The last four were encrusted with scabies.
--- Bruce Thompson

Scabies is not so much fun,
When your body weight's close to a ton.
If your ass starts to itch,
Reaching 'round is a bitch,
And the scratching is never quite done.
--- Anon

I said to my big sister Isis,
"Those blotches are really no crisis.
For though they are bumpy,
Red, scaly and lumpy,
You still are a sight for psoriasis."
--- Keith Gilman P0109

There was a young man of Berlin,
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin.
But he said with much pride,
"Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in."
--- L1084

This whore from the town of Biarritz
Said, "I'm sporting a pair of great zits."
"Well, sit on my knees;
Lets give them a squeeze."
(He thought she said "two great big tits.")
--- Al Willis T9711

There was a young man from Melrose
Who had a large thing on his nose.
One on his back,
And three in his sack,
And four between each of his toes.
--- Michael Palin

A lady in Port Birkenhead
Was treating her skin, rough and red;
Applied lanolin
From her ankles to chin
And kept slipping out of the bed.
--- VOL 6

A thin hairy man from Belize
Got some strange-looking spots on his knees.
They spread to his thumb,
Then all of his bum.
Look out! -- He's got a disease!
--- Spike Mulligan

I've got something to fix your wagon,
Since burnt skin means no chance of shaggin'.
I'll break out the lotion
And rub with devotion,
But first please puff my magic dragon.
--- Anon

You'd think that by now, I would know
To use some sunscreen when I go
Outside in the sun.
Now I'm overdone
And puffy with a beet red glow.
--- Carol

Sex on the beach can be fun,
Making love in the noonday sun.
But if you eschew
SPF 22,
You'll wind up with a sunburnt bun.

(SPF - sun protection factor, measure of sunscreens)
--- Dreamarill a

Large vessel (small crew) known as tanker
Did carry mates whom germs did canker.
No anchor could they haul,
So the sea claimed them all,
When the ship found the rocks that sank her.
--- Daniel Ford

There was a young lady from Hitchin
Who suffered from terrible itchin'.
She tried all sorts of lotions
And powders and potions
But finally settled from twitchin'.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

A sultan who lived in St. Ives
Had a terrible case of the hives.
He said, "All this itching
Comes from nagging and bitching,
And marrying too many wives."
--- Clements & Wilson P9803

I was playing the sergeant at snooker
When I spied on his hand a verruca. (venereal wart)
I reached in my pocket
Withdrew a small rocket,
And blasted it with a bazooka.
--- Rory Ewins

There once was an obsessive wanker
Whose hand had developed a CANKER.
So he turned to his mate.
His libido to sate,
But not once did he think to thank her.
--- Daniel Ford

The promiscuous lady called Mame
Has more lovers than people can name.
She contracted an itch
From some son-of-a-bitch,
But she doesn't know which one to blame.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0411

A bragging old seaman named Mitch,
Could diddle a lass in a stitch,
'Til one diddled him better
And now he'll regret her,
For Mitch has a curious itch.
--- Garold Amadon

A student of social diseases
Explained to his Prof, "Holy Jesus!
Do you mean to tell me
That I must get VD,
Before I can write up my thesis?!"
--- Norm Storer

To pander, the verb, means procure.
Although one is never quite sure,
If he's getting she,
Or she's getting he.
They both may well soon need a cure.
--- Larry Davis P8511

A feckless Don Juan, Randy Shores,
Consorts with filthy old whores;
It was groovy to lay back,
But much less so the payback:
Big buboes and pustulous sores.
--- Armand E Singer P0305

To Newark I went, on a trip.
A cabbie soon gave me a tip,
Where I could employ
A teenaged sex toy...
My peter continues to drip.

Basil said to his mate,
"I'm just not one to berate.
I gave her chlamydia,
I got from Olivia.
Fair exchange, we have a clean slate."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208

There was a young coed named Lydia
Who suffered from chronic chlamydia.
But the cause of those itches
That she felt in her britches,
Was a virus that's called citmorbidia.
--- Bob Birch P0109

There once was an Argentine gaucho,
Inspired by comedian Groucho.
He found his Olivia;
She gave him chlamydia;
There's an itch in his testicles' poucho
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208

A certain young rake from Sonoma
Was cursed with a huge condyloma; (genital wart)
No wonder he bitched:
The goddamned thing itched
And gave off a noxious aroma.
--- Armand Singer

I don't know that much of disease;
Bear with me on that, if you please.
You surpass me by far
In this area. You are
Really a connoisseur of VD's.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Old Ron Maguire went to New York,
And had him a quite yeasty fork.
He got crabs up his ass,
Felt like he was pissing glass,
And got pimples all over his dork.
--- Brad & Broni

Stella appears quite demure;
She pretends to be virginal, pure.
But the stuff that flies south
From her pretty wee mouth
Proves her mind is a bloody great sewer.
--- Anon

This is file bfm

I used to think Stella was nice;
I've dreamed about kissing her, twice.
But my ardor has waned,
Since I've found that she's gained
Some infections and large pubic lice.
--- Anon

A clapped out old queen from Darjeeling
Complained of a distict lack of feeling,
But the rags that he wore
On the tip of his sore,
Left his customers quite sick and reeling.
--- Anon

A diver by the name of McEnnis
Found something odd on the end of his penis.
"I'm really not sure,
And I've been wrong before,
But it looks like Cyclosalpa affinis."

(Pacific coast jellyfish)
--- Lisa D

A satiated tart on a yacht,
Had cystitis and went to a doc;
"Ah dear patient," peered he,
"I do see from this wee,
A huge surplus of seamen - that's hot!"
--- Tony Crafter P0506

Diseased is a hooker from Leicester,
Whose privates have started to feicester;
She is greatly dismayed
For she loves being laid,
Yet gets no requeicests this semeicester.
--- Armand Singer

He's drunk as a skunk on bad wine.
He thinks that his pecker's real fine.
It's limp and it leaks;
Been drippin' for weeks.
That stuff ain't the fruit of the vine.
--- Bonnie

I once gave a lady affection
By giving her my large collection
Of dried butterflies,
Bugs and moths from the skies;
In return, she gave me an infection!
--- Anon

Very luckless, a swinger named Moore;
He had sex with a scrofulous whore.
The results insurmountable:
Oozing pustules uncountable,
Plus his privates fell off on the floor.
--- Armand Singer

Lin Fong was a horny Chinese
Who unhappily caught a disease.
So he dipped his peeny
In a double martini;
Now he screws with the greatest of ease.
--- Larry Wilde

A promiscuous young Polynesian
Loved a man whom she thought was Norwegian.
His true race came to light
After a passionate night
When she broke out in French foreign lesions.
--- David S

You've given zirconium, cubic.
You've tried to solve puzzles by Rubic.
Be undoubtedly glad
If you haven't had
The burgeoning infections, pubic.
--- Larry Davis P8601

There once was a man from Scotch Plains,
Who thought he could dance like Claude Rains.
He got on the floor,
And danced with a whore,
And now he has genital pains.
--- Tomer Shiran

I have finally reached a decision,
Sick and tired of the scorn and derision
From the genital warts
That poke out of my shorts;
I am going to go for excision.
--- Anon

But darling, that just can't be true,
For I've been with no other than you.
I know that that wart,
Of a genital sort,
Came from you and your penis of blue!
--- Anon

A young rake with a venereal curse,
Was getting a shot by the nurse.
He'd better not heed to
His gung-ho libido,
Or he's dragging his heels in a hearse.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

In the 60s we never did see
The upshot of "Beach Blanket Party"
Where young Gidget went ape
And events then took shape
Which led to her Rx: STD.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2005

I once had a girlfriend named Jen;
I loved her and held her and then,
Between both her knees,
I got a disease!
Won't share my valentine again
--- Anon

Venereal disease is not nice;
Sores look like you're nibbled by mice.
And on the skin GLABROUS,
Things get quite scabrous.
So, condom use is good advice.
--- Chris Papa

A randy young man called King
Got a chancre upon his bowstring.
But he went ballistic
In ways onanistic,
So of course his old frenum went zing!

You haven't got no diseases,
Never a cough or a sneezes.
Tested now twice,
Isn't that nice.
From your pants now, just releases.
--- Arden

There was an old Bishop whose wanker
Developed a hideous canker.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"It finally squirts when I spank 'er."
--- Dennis M Hammes

Army lecture on sexual hygiene:
Finger-test your hot doll's love machine;
For ten seconds, you linger;
Pull out, shake your finger;
Your nail won't fly off if she's clean!
--- Allen Wolverton

A geezer in old Mexico
Complained he was peeing too slow.
Prostate isn't your trouble,
Said wise doctor Hubble.
It's a bug from Maria the Ho'!
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0609

Don't think that they had any catching
Diseases to pass with their snatching
Of love from this twit,
But since you mentioned it,
I can't seem to stop with this scratching...
--- Anon

They'll deliver on time this V.D.,
If you're careless like I was, you'll see.
Keep about you, your wits;
Don't get blinded by tits,
Or the flowers will come "S" T. D.

(S T D - sexually transmitted disease)
--- Anon

Remember, there was old man Nitz,
Who put his dick whereby it fits.
Diving through the thatch,
He found that her snatch
Was covered with very large zits.
--- Anon

"My goodness, I've grown rather blotchy!"
Cried Jeeves, when he looked at his crotchy.
"That lass on her knees
Denied a disease,
But the truth I have learned from her twatchy!"
--- Travis Brasell

A lad from the southwest Crimea
Caught something that ended in "-rhea,"
Like "dia-" or "mono-"
Or "logo-" or "gono-"
For which there's no known panacea.
--- Armand E Singer 263

There was a young girl from Mauritius,
Who said, "That last bit was delicious.
But if you don't mind,
We'll postpone the next grind,
As that spot on your tool looks suspicious."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

A naive girl named Louise,
Thought the moon was made of green cheese.
This gullible she
Was heard to agree:
Moby Dick's a venereal disease.
--- Anon B

His nuts later blistered profuse.
He knew it was from that ol' cooze.
'Twas what soldiers call
"The ol' musk-et ball",
And seamen, "ol' vesicle ooze".
--- Anon

A man with a throbbing erection,
Forgetting the prudent protection,
Took a roll on the floor
With a questionable whore,
And now has a nasty infection.
--- Anon

A hairy-faced bitch from The Barrens
Enhanced our love-play with live herons.
That girl was so foul,
The drip from my dowel
Had only one cure: interferons.
--- Anon

Venereal disease is insidious
And the end results horribly hideous!
It's best, on the whole,
To make cleaness your goal,
Even when you're not really fastidious.
--- Grand Prix Lim 843 G1921


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