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For those who liked Igor bombastic, All you housewives, so horny and bored, A virgin by name of Miss Prim A Deputy District Inspector My girlfriend did finally admit to me So I seek a twelve-incher (in plastic) The secent of the dildoes of Tish Without wishing to lame your machismo, The anatomy teacher, Miss Wales, Ms Pamela Anderson Lee Said a bibulous bull dyke named Hahn, Young Matilda's twin brother Matildo, There was a young lady of Lima I said, as she frigged fast and furious, "Most certainly not", panted Gwen, A near-riot occurred when Miss Gore There was a young lady named Alice, Lucinda, in tub with her loofah, And Annie, now 90, from Fife, 'Tis said that prosthetic device Young Jilly was feeling quite ill; Said Mary, "When I am in heat, "Now frankly, I do prefer meat I once went to the midwest, Young Nancy, who hardly is shy, I watched and I came in my shorts, There was a young girl of Naupactus There was a young girl of Naupactus There was a young widow named Alice A wierd skinny Vegan I knew There was a young girl from New York, There was a young girl from Cobb, Joanne took a corn cob to bed There once was guy called Big Bob; Girls, are you tired of that slob? A winsome young miss is Diane, Yes, Mexico's trees are quite full How can you keep gals on the farm Keeping your girls won't take force; But this is a farm, not a ranch -- The doctor said, "Dear Widow Kerns, And then to Miss Deborah Hunt "Now ladies, your holes are quite loose, There's females in here in great number, Dave left home in his car, While awaiting the season of Christmas, In Sparta a nubile young Greek, Unfortunate timing had Alice There was an aesthetic young miss, A virgin who came from Durango An Arkansas belle said, "It's right, "Those veggies are vile and absurd," A frustrated housewife astute, Said Ruthie, "I know it's not faddish Radishes? Turnips? Passee! "A turnip's so bare," Kimmy says, Oh Lucy, my dear, it's been days Maggie once loved her meat rare and juicy, Sweet Suzy had sex with sweet peas -- A little old lady named Lana There was a young girl from Montana, A girl by the green Susquehanna, A prissy old maid named Miss Hannah, A silly old maid of Tarzana A eunuch who came from Port Said, There was a young Spaniard from Sitges,
They must have had minds quite elastic.
What this man did connive
Only few could survive,
Unless armed with appliances plastic.
--- Albin Chaplin
There's a door-to-door salesman named Ford,
Selling sex toys fantastic;
So get out your plastic;
He'll fit you himself, as reward!
--- Allen Wolverton
Is exceedingly ugly and grim;
But she still gets her joys
In the absence of boys
For the toys she employs in her quim.
--- Peter Wilkins
Whose tool had turned out a defector,
Deceived his best half
With a nudge and a laugh,
For years with his RADAR detector.
--- Arthur Deex P9401
That she wants to strap on a dick to me.
So when in hot clinches,
She gets more than three inches,
Or else she will not feed her clit to me.
--- F Ormatsee
That's held on with string or elastic.
And if it fits fine,
I'll wear it all the time,
So's to feel like a king, not a spastic.
--- F Ormatsee
Engendered her cat with the wish
That her toys, for thrills,
Had scales, fins, and gills --
Instead of just smelling like fish!
--- Travis
You could use a soft rubber gizmo
That'll stop this extrusion
From cock-in-cunt fusion,
And neatly wrap up all your jizmo.
--- Anon
Remarked, "Girls, we are missing two flails.
It's a puzzle no doubt
Why they'd be smuggled out,
When we've masses of willing young males..."
--- Grand Prix Lim 178
Just received her divorce decree.
So to get through the day
With no one to lay,
Bought a dildo the size of a tree!
--- Jeeves
"Though a dildo is really a con,
It seems less of a joke
If I'm drunk when I poke,
Which is why I keep tying one on."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Made his sister's life wholly fulfilled-o.
He knew it was sin
To stick his dick in,
So instead he just stuck in a dildo.
--- Anon
Whose life was as fast as a steamer.
She played dirty tricks
With a large crucifix
Till the spunk trickled right down her femur.
--- Aubrey Beardsley P8809
"Gwen? Please forgive me, I'm curious.
Dildos that wide
And that long inside,
Are surely to goodness injurious."
--- Anon
As she frigged herself using a twen-
ty inch dildo and grunt-
ed, "My cavernous cunt
Can accommodate thousands of them."
--- Anon
Asked for some male parts in a store.
Looking somewhat askance,
The clerk came in his pants,
While escorting Miss Gore to the door.
--- Grand Prix Lim 719
Who purchased a hard-rubber phallus.
Since she learned its perfections,
She shuns doctors' inspections.
It is such an odd place for a callus.
--- L1701
And sticks the thing right up her doofah.
And why this strange sex?
Most men she rejects,
And each one she dates is a poofah.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A spinster and never a wife,
If asked about men,
Cackles, "Menfolk, ye ken,
Come and go, but a loofah's for life."
--- Peter Wilkins
Is what makes a lady feel nice.
So you'll have to deal
With how it makes her feel,
And she's bound to come back more than twice.
--- Frank
"What's the problem?" asked doctor of Jill.
"I'm a veggie and use
For my pleasure just cu's
And asparagus tips for a thrill."
--- Anon
I pull up and boil a big beet;
Slide back its skin
And slip it right in,
Still warm. And does it feel neat!"
--- John Miller
From Jon, SFA...Even Pete!
But mom gives me hell;
She reads AJL,
And says the whole crew's indiscreet.
--- John Miller
'Cause I heard Iowans were best.
Their plump juicy sweet,
Corn stalks can't be beat.
His buttered cob knobbed me with zest!
--- Anon
Said, "Watch me! I'll show you how I
Find stroking my knob
With a warm buttered cob
More fun than your average guy!"
--- John Miller
And Nancy, 'midst deriding snorts
Said, "See what I mean?
It's disgusing to clean
And why do you make it in quarts?"
--- John Miller
Who had an affair with a cactus.
She changed her mind quick
When she felt a small prick,
And escaped with her honor 'intactus'.
--- George Seferis T9707
Who had an affair with a cactus;
And the record for fitting
In pricks at one sitting,
Without benefit of much practice.
--- George Seferis T9707a
Who lived in the desert near Dallas.
Each day, just for practice,
She'd gather up cactus,
And use them instead of a phallus.
--- G2074
Was ANTHOPHILOUS through and through.
Though his wife would balk
At a celery stalk,
He used 'stead of meat for a screw.
--- Chris Papa
Who diddled herself with a cork.
It stuck in her vagina,
Can you imagina
Prying it out with a fork!
--- L1312
Who was ever so much of a snob.
She licked the young boys
For most of her joys,
But for fun, she'd hobnob a corn cob.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And while she was using it said,
"I know a man's fob
Is more fun than this cob,
But it's having them young'uns I dread.
--- Grand Prix Lim 955
This is file aym
But strangely, he had a small knob.
So to give his girl pleasure,
Every night beyond measure,
He just used a corn-on-the-cob!
--- Anon
Have you ever tried corn on the cob?
Seven bumps to the inch,
Never tires in the clinch,
(Though you might miss the twitch and the throb).
--- John Miller 0318
But if you spied on her in the can
With a carrot, would you
Like to roger her, too?
You WOULD! Well she won't lay a man!
--- Grand Prix Lim 819
Of spuds that all Northern girls pull;
They're shaped like el toro,
Just perfect to burrow
In twats, leaving them full of bull.
--- Anon
When they've felt the salesman's charm,
His butt and his pecs,
And, likely, his sex
Appeal, or was that just his arm?
--- Marlene Lewis
They'll return to the farm in due course.
No boy can compete
With the huge slab of meat
That they're used to, from fucking your horse.
--- Loz
It's not the livestock growing branch
Of land and beast care.
What gives 'em a scare?
What's done with corn cobs makes 'em blanch!
Your pussy has whelps, sores and burns,
Because you won't quit
Abrading your clit
With poisonous tropical ferns.
--- Travis Brasell
He said, "I'll be perfectly blunt;
It's years of abuse
And zucchini misuse
Which has grievously damaged your cunt."
--- Peter Wilkins
From long sessions of cucumber use.
I have a cure,
But you'll have to endure
An injection of two-ball root juice.
--- Mike
But most of them are in a slumber
Or just simply keep lurkin'
Playing with a gherkin,
Banana, dildo, or cucumber.
--- Anon
But turned back before he'd gone far.
He flipped back the cover,
And found his wife's lover:
A handmade Havana Cigar!
--- Richard Naylor
A man on the Panama Isthmus
Formed a phallus of holly
To make his gal jolly,
But it cause her to have vaginismus.
--- G2103
The perfect penis did seek.
"Eureka," she cried,
After she tried
The head of an oversized leek.
--- Harry Rubin P9210
With a vegetable substitute phallus,
'Cause she bought a large leek
Which she promptly named Zeke,
And rubbed on her clit till it calloused!
--- Oddo Von Schlong T9710
Who thought it the acme of bliss,
To jazz herself silly
With the bud of a lily,
Then go to the garden to piss!
--- Norman Douglas L1307
Always diddled herself with a mango.
"It's delightful," she said,
"To lie on the bed,
And put it where I won't let a man go."
--- Ray A Billington P9901
Taking parsnips to bed every night.
Though slicker and bigger
Than any old nigger,
Ain't nobody says they ain't white!"
--- John Miller
Said Wilma, "And haven't you heard?
You can get STD's
From carrots and peas;
I'll stick with my pet hummingbird."
--- John Miller
Quelled her lust using pieces of fruit.
Then, not to be wasteful,
She fixed them up tasteful
And served them with garnish to suit.
--- Alex Heydon P0407
To do what I do with a radish,
And my little quim --
Now Big Sister Kim,
What she does with turnips is CADDISH!
--- John Miller
These spherical frottings, allay!
My dear, it's so chic,
What I do with a leek,
And it goes on and on the entree.
--- Lucy Rawes
"Less you dress it in salady ways.
It's not from a pot
Or a tube; no, it's not.
It's my intimate own mayonnaise."
--- Lucy Rawes
Of searching in so many ways,
For a lady who's willing
To share, for a shilling,
The taste of her own mayonnaise.
--- Archie
But her lover turned dainty and fruitsy.
Now she's all done with meat
And when she's in heat,
Shares a root with her old buddy Lucy.
--- John Miller 0317b
With scores at a time, if you please.
She said with a grin,
I can make them stay in
If I just can keep closing my knees.
--- John Miller
Came back from a trip to Montana
With a frustrating tale:
She could not find a male--
Or even a healthy banana.
--- Norm Storer
Who had an affair with a banana.
She hugged it and squeezed it,
Loved it and teased it,
And said, "It tastes better than a man-a."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Said she would do it manana.
But her lover got sore
And sailed off to Ladore...
And now she must use a banana.
--- L1351
Wrote Burbank a note in this manner:
"Could you spare a few hours,
From your shrubs and your flowers,
And put a pulse in the banana?" (To perfect a pulsating...)
--- G2141
Remarked as she ate a banana:
"Shoving fruit up my bun
Is such glorious fun,
It's a shame eating it up in this manna!"
--- G2213
Had a jolly good time in bed.
Nor could any sultana
Detect from his manner
That he used a banana instead.
--- L1321
Who kept all the tourists in stitches.
By parading around
With an ominous frown,
And a banana in front of his britches.
--- G2507
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