MORE
Poe replied, "You're mistaken, Miss Lee.
You have left me a rich legacy,
Although I must confess
I'd have done it for less.
You've bequeathed me a rare S T D."
(S T D - sexually transmitted disease)
Those ingrates to whom you relate A wily old man -- his name? -- Bill, The will in the pocket of Bill The will of a lecher named Gore At first I hear this pitter patter, As the hearse made its way down the street, Here lies Betty Symthe Birch Of long Johns I have not had my fill; When I'm dead, it is not my concern A difficult man, Mr Sloant, A wealthy old codger named Gil The probate judge was Roadkill Jill; For the three of them, life was all cream, That unprincipled shyster, Mr Phil Ing, What Phil said about nephew Bill Now, Jill ain't no Herman Melville My heirs are expecting a thrill A conservative prime aspiration I'm hounded and hassled by heirs; As I exit from this mortal coil, To my son, I leave one pocket knife. The fancier cruises are sold The fur that he left, a chinchilla, They all claimed to be kin of Pierre's, They found old Flintskin Misercamp dead, There once was a guy named Bill, I'll have only a few thankless heirs, Dilatory attorney, Tom Vance, Your grandpa has gone now, my dears, He wrote his will late in the day, I left all my dough to my Dad, I'm not sure that this story's a fake. A miner, testate, died one day. In his pants a young man from Cancun "Ambidextrous I am, And it's grand," Just what kinds of toys have you got, My mind was in torment; a jumble "Why not?" I enquired with a grumble, Two dildoes she slid from her cush, Before all these limericks are banned, There was a young lass in Amarillo, Five gay fellows sauntered into There once was a young man from Crewe, An elderly playboy whose prick His sex DIDACTIC, she's stoic, Ninety six is a number supreme! There was a gay Countess of Dufferin, (Published 1870)
I have this prosthetic device; The dildo seems perfect to me; There was a young fellow at Jesus There once was a smelly old ass Although not the greatest, still Ward Troll Jim Smith cried a joyful "Goddamn! I was thinking of using a dildo, A gay girl named Mary in Lowell, Dildoes are touchy at best, A Lesbian on a divan, A scientist pervert named Shaver A lesbian just out of jail (Holloway Prison)
That Humpity-Bumpity noise There's a question designed to perplex: An uncanny inventor named Dade A horny young groom y-clept Foxy (I think that Roxy's a doxy.)
Young Jenny is not at all narrow; The dildo, it seems clear to me, "Oh mummy I'm frightened to play
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9801
Hope to benefit from your estate.
Be a rational bloke
And conspire to die broke.
Enjoy life, now, before it's too late!
--- Anon
Had in his pocket a will.
To save family time
And to keep every dime,
He ground himself up in a mill.
--- Jan Ross
Was ground up in this paper mill.
As they now bide their time,
The family ain't fine
As they search, still in vain, for the will.
--- Jan Ross
Revealed a cremation in store:
Bedeviled by lust, he
Had named a tart trustee
To haul his old ashes once more.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Then I hear a loud resounding clatter;
That will cost a nice sum;
From the will it will come;
So what the heck, it doesn't matter.
--- Ralph T Rehwoldt P2005
The only sound was the sound of friend's feet!
As they wended their way,
(They all felt they must stay),
In his will he'd left them a last treat.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
She suddenly went with a lurch.
She had pots of money,
But this sure isn't funny;
She left the whole lot to the Church!
--- Anon
Likewise of Johns, Bernie or Bill."
Said the hooker named Ruth,
Adding, "To tell the truth,
Some Johns scare me. I've made my last Will."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9801
Just where they deliver my urn.
I'll leave all my loot
In my cremation suit.
They'll say I had money to burn.
--- Al Willis P9801
Whatever you do, he says, "Don't!"
Why, when he was ill,
We looked for his will --
And found it was labeled: "MY WON'T".
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Cut his nephew Bill from the will.
But a shyster with skill
Said, "M'boy, there's hope still.
Bill, I'll nil Gil's will for a mil."
--- skywriterpress P2006
Shyster lawyers she did love to grill.
Then nephew Bill gave her a thrill,
A treasury bill and a daffodil,
They party together over on the hill.
--- Lynn Mostafa
But their menage-a-trois ran out of steam.
They spent all the money --
Now isn't that funny.
Uncle's Gil's ghost thinks it's a scream!
--- Lynn Mostafa
Hoping to restore his fortunes, God willing,
Wrote a book; it was swill;
Mostly run-of-the-mill
Lies. But then he made a killing.
--- Lynn Mostafa
Made the judge and the jury quite ill.
He perjured with glee
And forced poor Bill to flee;
Now he's holed up out near old Knoxville.
--- Lynn Mostafa
And her screenplay was strictly dullsville.
But with sex in the plot,
And star-power they've bought,
Oscar's a shoe-in, Mr DeMille.
--- Lynn Mostafa
When finally they hear my last will.
But I'm blowing the lot
On booze, dames, and pot,
So there's going to be nil in the till.
--- Norm Storer P9806
Is to curb the estate's confiscation;
Put assessments on hold
When the body grows cold!
No taxation without respiration!
--- William N Nesbit
Already, they're fighting for shares.
But I'm just too sly --
I'm not going to die --
So (heh-heh) they'll never get theirs.
--- Norm Storer P9806
And leave all the Earthly turmoil,
I head for Boothill,
And I signed my last will.
I do hope my body won't spoil.
--- Al Willis P9801
To my daughter, my old high-school fife.
My cash goes to creditors
And limerick editors.
All my poems I bequeath to my wife.
--- Al Willis P9801
To those who are wealthy and old;
Whose vision of bliss
Requires only this:
That they hold on to most of their gold.
--- Anon
Was meant for his lover, Priscilla.
Mary Anne thought that she
Would get it, home-free,
But it was spelled out in the willa.
--- Al Willis TP9804
As they gathered to get what was theirs.
An obvious chill
As the judge read the will;
A typical case of splitting heirs.
--- Observer
And his last will and testament read:
"Put my wealth in a basket,
Place it inside my casket;
I'm taking it with me," it said.
--- Bill Newbit P9801
Who died without making a will;
His big country estate
Is now in probate,
Leaving nothing for his daughter, Jill.
--- Anon
So I've started to sell off my shares.
I'm the kind of a bloke
Who would like to die broke.
Will my heirs be unhappy? Who cares!
--- William N Nesbit P0106
Who regarded all deadlines askance,
Said, "God, I'm not prepared
For Probate to be spared,
So just grant me a continuance."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9801
Of his carping and moaning and sneers,
We are now bereft.
On what he has left,
We'll all be in clover for years.
--- Anon
Right after a roll in the hay.
When asked, "Did you pay?"
Then all he could say
Was, "Where there's a will, there's a way."
--- Al Willis P9801
My will, without doubt, iron-clad.
My car goes to Chris,
My sweet little Sis.
My Mom when she heard, was quite mad.
--- Al Willis P9801
Could be history has made a mistake.
But in Adam's last will,
He left one dollar bill
To Eve, plus a very tired snake.
--- Al Willis P9801a
This is file azm
Bequeathed gold to a young girl named Mae.
Left ten tons of ore
But not any more;
Proving where there's a will, there's a weigh.
--- Tom Patton P9801
Had a bulge that made all the girls swoon.
On closer inspection
His massive erection
Turned out to be just a balloon.
--- Ceejay
Said the girl at the newspaper stand.
"My papers I fold,
And at bed time I hold
My dildo in left or right hand!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0502
In that suitcase that makes me so hot?
Are they latex or rubber?
Maybe plastic or flubber?
And are batteries included, or not?
--- Faerie
Of thoughts as I gave her a fumble.
She said, "Don't be silly;
I don't need your willy."
I started to mutter and mumble.
--- Anon
(For still I was up for a tumble).
In answer she said,
"I use dildos instead;
They don't lose their tumescence and crumble."
--- Anon
Saying "Al, won't you fondle my tush?"
A bird in the hand
Of a dirty old man,
Is worth more than two in the bush.
--- Al Willis
I'm thinking I must reprimand.
When speaking of tush,
A push in the bush
Is worth more than two in the hand.
--- Rusty Smith
Who had only used her new dildo.
Until she met Flynn
With his cock of skin,
Her dildo's unused on her pillow.
--- Anon
A sex store to buy dildoes anew.
When the clerk asked "How many?"
The lead hen, named Kenny,
Crowed, "A cock-a-dude'll do!"
--- Ogden Nield
Made a cranial dildo with glue.
All the men took a piss
But the women'd not miss
What they could get from a man with two.
--- Anon
Was bent double from coming too quick,
Still could fuck unabashed--
No one knew it was smashed--
A custom-made dildo did the trick.
--- G2190
And he lacked tool size heroic.
She left him at last,
Now lives a life fast,
Complete with a love thats dildoic.
--- Chris Papa
Arse to arse is to some folk a dream.
With both parties bended,
A dildo (two ended),
And liberal helpings of cream.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
One night while her husband was covering,
Just to chafe him a bit,
She said, "You old shit,
I can buy a dildo for a sovereign."
--- L1268
It exceeds the norm maybe thrice.
Bought one and a spare
But no feeling is there;
It was hardly worth the huge price.
--- Frank
A rare case of simplicity.
Just strap on a boner
Whene'er you're a loner,
And soon you'll feel heavenly.
--- Anon
Who developed a phallic prosthesis.
He made use of this tool
To thoroughly fool
All girls who were known as P.T.'s's,
--- L1707
Whose wife was both ugly and crass.
She said to him, "Ward,
I'm so fucking bored.
Shall I buttfuck you out in the grass?"
--- Ward Hardman
Is better than you, you great fraud!
It's better for all
If you take a fall
On your very own little sword.
--- Archie
I was screwed in the ass by a ram.
But I liked feeling sheepish,
And not Little Bo Peepish,
So I'm soon giving birth to a lamb."
--- Ward Hardman
Or maybe giving a nice 'blow'.
Though I could not lose,
I just couldn't choose
Just what to give the old 'ho'.
--- The Goddess
Kept her dildo in a crystal fruit bowl.
Her straight friend named Hanna,
Thought it a banana,
When she bit it, said Mary, 'Wrong hole.'
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0502
But they'll not let you down at the crest.
First, jiggled and twisted,
Then rapidly fisted,
They'll outlast ten peckers if pressed.
--- 53-MERC
Her backside with dildo did ram.
She shuddered and shook,
And all of it took,
Just like a gay man in the can!
--- Mad Max
Was viewed by her friends with disfavor.
Though confessing she erred:
For deep frozen turd
As surrogate penis lacks flavor.
--- Armand E Singer 753
Was asked how she managed for tail.
She said, "Up inside Holloway
Putting dildos away,
A miss is as good as a male!"
--- G2734a
Is Sarah and her brand-new toys.
Her headboard is loose.
She makes no excuse,
As her bedroom wall it destroys.
--- Marlene Lewis
What's better than mechanical sex?
I've searched high and low;
Seems I've lost my dildo!
Now I'm in a horrible vex!
--- Jennifer T9712
Made a gadget to give an old maid
The same powerful thrill
That a turgid male will...
And it'll also make swell lelmonade.
--- Grand Prix Lim 185 A
Went to bed with his new bride named Roxy.
But instead of her beau,
She used a dildo.
He said: "This is screwing by proxy."
--- William K Alsop Jr
In fact she is like a wheel barrow.
A banana won't do --
Too thin, cucumber too.
She needs something the size of a marrow!
--- Anon
Could use some new technology.
Some software embedded
Is right where we're headed!
(I'm ready to lead R & D...)
--- Anon
With my willy," "But why? It's OK".
She replied. Said the lad,
"Look what happened to Dad!"
And she laughed, "That's my dildo, I say."
--- Anon
MORE