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A timid and meek Chinese bride
Added poison to meat, nicely fried.
Though the flavor was hellish,
The groom ate with such relish,
The verdict was chop suey-cide.
(in Ellery Queen magazine)
My satellite laser invention Don't try to deny it, my dear -- It's important that you understand, My minions thought I was bizarre There's no one can come before you The moments you gave me today So call me a romantic crank On the death of a woman from Gardiner, There once was a woman named Munch The tombstone of Solomon Dale The lady is so fond of macaroni, Said the young wife, "You think you're so smart! In a nursing home run by Pol Pot, A beer-loving fellow named Mort, Said a gleeful young man from Torquay, There once was a poor King of Tonga, "It's the damnest thing I've ever seen." There was a fellow named Clare, Wifey Three was about to expire The landscaper, Claudious Grower, The female Black Widow has smarts -- Beware of the women who're Jewish; A ghoulish old fellow in Kent There was a young woman named Glory; As a lover he was not a demon, A murder performed with a knife A vindictive old fellow from laurel A disgruntled knife-thrower named Fife, Maria was killed in her sleep There was a young fellow named Gloser, When careless old Julius Caesar A nasty man, Old Ebeneezer, It's a challenge to take your own life. A man had a pet gourmet ocelot, An angry young lady named Jill (in Ellery Queen magazine)
In her murder case, strange Agnes Pence, Admitted a psycho named Daw; There was an old man in La Grange An expert onanist named Bart There was a magician named Herridge There was a young man of Geneva I married this bitchy old cow; With a leg of lamb, mad Mrs Kim Fred wasn't known as a lawn preener; (Sat Eve Post limerick contest)
Said a package dispatcher named Thatcher, (in Ellery Queen magazine)
A polygamous chieftain, a Bantu, "It's murder!" the widowed one cried. I've been married for thirty four years; Here lies the handsome John Miller, The judges tried Pascal of Knock, Crazy old gunslinger Pete, A husband who lives in Manila, Said and angry old man of Schenectady, There was an old man and his wife, There is an old broad from Westminster, His wife gave him nothing but strife, The problems that plague Mr. Fife There was a young miner named Seth, While soaking in bubbles and oils, A sheepherder made yesterday's news. There was a young fellow from Fife, He was always correcting her grammar. In Boston, a young maiden aunt Showing no sense of fatherly pride, Now our mother-to-be was so miffed She went up to her paramour's pad
--- E C Sanborn P9108
(So cool it defies comprehension)
Carved the moon with your name
And it gave me no shame
'Cause I did it to grab your attention.
--- Virge
You're drawn to my saturnine sneer.
Though you're brusque and remote,
I can't help but note
That you tremble whenever I'm near.
--- Virge
All men beside me will seem bland.
Those Bohemian effete
Boys can never compete
'Gainst a man with the world in his hand.
--- Virge
After I'd gone a fraction too far,
With my devastation
Of a middle-east nation.
I should have just bought a big car.
--- Virge
And nothing that I wouldn't do.
I raze the Greek Isles
For just one of your smiles
(And Malta and Sicily too).
--- Virge
Are pleasures I'd love to replay.
Your beauty divine,
So sweet and so fine,
I cannot allow to decay.
--- Virge
'Cause the ethylene glycol you drank
Was a toast to forever --
To pledge that I'll never
Pull the plug on your cryogen-tank.
--- Virge
They discovered a bucket of lard in her;
They also found oil
And aluminum foil,
And daffodil bulbs from the yard in her.
--- Limber Limericks
Who poisoned here husband at lunch;
He perished that night,
To his spouse's delight,
From the lye that she stirred in his punch.
--- Cap'n Bean P0406
Is aging and terribly frail;
His wife was a loon;
They married in June;
They say he was poisoned by ale.
--- Cap'n Bean P0307
Her husband flavored hers with antimony.
Very soon he'll be free
With no large attorney fee;
No divorce, and better still, no alimony.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0203
Your PEJORATIVE words break my heart.
Now I've poisoned your food
Just for being rude,
But I'll love you 'til death do us part!"
--- Observer
Hyperactive residents got shot.
But naughtly old Fred
Wouldn't stay in his bed;
Poisoned mush, for dinner, he got.
--- Anon
His life was suddenly cut short,
When his wife fed him steak,
With a section of cake,
And a poisonous bottle of port.
--- Cap'n Bean P0202
"This is rather a red-letter day.
I've poisoned with sherbert
My rich Uncle Herbert,
Whose health never seemed to decay."
--- Anon
But he isn't king any longa;
His wife, scheming queen,
On poisons was keen,
And also, considerably stronga.
--- Armand E Singer 967
Said the wily Detective McQueen!
"I had thought for a time
She had taken strychnine,
Being British, though, she took strychnine."
--- L C Fitzhugh P0111
Depressed to the point of despair;
He took his own life
After killing his wife
And reciting his very last prayer.
--- Cap'n Bean P0900
From Hubby bluebeard's garrote wire;
He said, "Now to wed Four,
And then a few more,
It's a bitch, but I soon can retire."
--- Ann Gasser P8904
He chopped up his wife with his mower.
Then he ground up her parts
In some rusty old carts,
And he whisked them away with his blower.
--- Cap'n Bean P0508
Once mated, she kills counterparts.
It makes sense to me,
I'd have to agree --
Stop the snoring before it starts!
--- Anon
They all are born to be shrewish.
They'll nag and harangue
Till you want them to hang
And watch their faces turn bluish.
--- Rob Weiner
Encrusted his wife in cement;
He said, with a sneer,
"I was careful, my dear,
To follow your natural bent."
--- Morris Bishop P8804
About her, I'll tell you a story.
One day in a rage
Killed her man for his wage.
How she did it, I'm think it too gory.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
That grizzled old salt of a seaman.
But his wife craved a child,
Though her mate she reviled...
She's drowned him since freezing his semen.
--- TuttaGioia
Robbed Darius Meek of his wife;
He mourned her for days
In a grief-stricken haze,
And was lost for the rest of his life.
--- Cap'n Bean P0412
Got involved in a family quarrel;
So he picked up his knife
And castrated his wife,
And some other acts highly immoral.
--- Hugh Oliver A060B
Was busy cleaning his knife.
To his utter despair
His knife jumped in the air
And entered the heart of his wife.
--- Al Chaplin P9404
By her husband -- a brute and a creep.
She was giving and kind;
He was out of his mind.
Their community's horror was deep.
--- Cap'n Bean P0606
Whose wife was a constant opposer.
So he snuffed out her life
With a big butcher knife,
And he put her right through the disposer.
--- Albin Chaplin
Shut his wife in a prototype freezer --
Although he was pleased
With his deep-frozen peas,
It would take more than peas to appeaser.
--- Nick D Kim
Was mean to his wife, the old geezer.
She said, without bitchin',
"Come into the kitchen."
(You'll find the old boy in the freezer.)
--- Ogden Nield
This is file afm
I once tried with a Swiss-Army-knife.
So I opened a vein,
And I let the blood drain,
But I got bored and just killed my wife.
--- Jason Taniguchi
And also a wife who would boss a lot.
He applied remoulade
To her fast-asleep bod.
The ocelot sure like that sauce a lot.
--- Sally Porter P8812
Killed her husband with gas from the grill.
She wasn't contrite,
But fainted outright
When she got the gas-company bill!
--- Richard Maples P9108
While depriving her spouse of his sense,
Laid him deep 'neath the sod,
With a fillet of Cod.
She then pled the Battered Fish defense.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
"I sliced up my wife with a saw;
If I get the yen,
I'll do it again;
I'll not be held down by the law."
--- Armand Singer
Who stuffed his old wife in the range;
When she asked him, "What for?"
He said through the door,
"We both need a rest and a change."
--- Lims Unlimited
Tutored many a man in his art,
Till in desperation
A great delegation
Of neglected wives tore him apart.
--- G2083
Whose dear wife was wont to disparage,
So on stage in full view,
She was cut clean in two
For the magic had gone from their marriage.
--- Albin Chaplin
Who threatened his wife he would leave her.
"Oh, darling," she said,
"You are losing your head!"
And she chopped it clean off with a cleaver.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
To her I had given my vow.
If I killed her dead
The day we first met,
I'd be out of the slammer by now!
--- Blowcephus TP9802
Put an end to her poor husband, Jim,
Who was thus vindicated,
For she lied when she'd stated
That he'd never go out on a limb.
--- Graham Lester
He was thought to be more of a dreamer.
His wife screamed "More fertilizer!"
So he shot; pulverized her;
Now his lawn is pest free and much greener.
--- Patrick
"My unfaithful young wife, when I catch her,
I shall package with care
But without any air,
For it's thus that I plan to dispatch her."
--- Mark Grenier P9108
Said, "It's bad killing wives; I don't want to,
But it's hard to discriminate
Between which to eliminate
And which ones are worth hanging on to."
--- Armand E Singer 260
"No, ma'am," the patrolman replied.
"In a case of this nature,
The correct nomenclature
Is 'Cause of death: poss. homicide.'"
--- Laurence Perrine P8903
I'm the victim of media smears.
I'd tell you the rest
But I'm saving the best
For a jury composed of my peers.
--- Arthur Deex P0109
A kind man and a social pillar.
He married a gal
He thought was a pal,
But was really a serial killer.
--- H A Marewich
For wife murder. He stood in the dock.
He said to their faces,
"I broke nuts with braces,
An' the oul' one fell dead with shell-shock!"
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Did a trick that just couldn't be beat.
Using only one eye,
Shot his wife from the sky;
The sheriff said "Murder!" Pete, "Skeet!"
--- Anon
Hates his wife and he wanted to kill her.
To shoot her, it's best
Just below the left breast;
He did so and smashed her patella.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
"By God, ma'am, I'll fracture your neck today!"
Then he ended the life
Of his long-faithful wife.
So he finally did it, by heck, did he?
--- Anon
Who lived in the bitterest strife;
He opened the stove,
Pushed her in with a shove,
And cried, "There, you pest of my life."
--- C Wells 1864 (Bibby)
Pug ugly, a tailor-made spinster.
But she murdered three mates;
Live grenades up their nates.
This scandalous tale makes my skin stir.
--- Armand Singer
So the pygmy king ended her life.
Shrunk her head -- made it small;
Hung it up on the wall,
So the world got its first "trophy wife!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0510Q
Like how to get rid of his wife;
Divorce is expensive,
And poison's offensive,
And shootings worth twenty to life.
--- Armand E Singer 918
Who said he'd love his wife to her death.
He tried poisons and drugs;
To trip her with rugs;
He died first from a shortage of breath.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Her husband threw in heating coils.
As she flopped 'round the tub,
A-blubbity-blub-blub,
He said, "You're scrubbed, you fat bag of boils!"
--- Cruelty Jones
While repairing the barn, using screws.
His wife shot him dead--
She thought that he said
He was there in the barn, screwing ewes.
--- Jim Menger P9205
Who had a big row with his wife.
He lost half his nose,
Two-thirds of his toes,
One ear, seven teeth, and his life.
--- T R Ybarra
He said, when she said with a yammer,
"The reindeer are falling."
"The rain, dear, IS falling."
She beat him to death with a hammer.
--- Al Willis
Entered into an amorous entente
With a neophyte draftsman,
A blundering craftsman,
Who rendered her promptly enceinte.
--- G1979
And displaying a greedier side,
Our draftsman (Sicilian)
Shagged a comely Brazilian,
And was caught by his common-law bride.
--- G1980
That her mental estate went adrift.
She embarked on a scheme
Not quite proper, 'twould seem,
For the fine Boston family of Gift.
--- G1981
And dispatched him; but having gone mad,
She, with surgical skill,
Amputated his quill
Which qualified him as a dad.
--- G1982
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