Now Peter the patient just snores The arduous Scot, Angus Tabor, There once was a woman named Yates A builder from old Adelaide Oh Lord, how I miss ya Letitia; Uncle Mel was quite quixotic, "A full fifty fathom lays Fred, When they asked him the reasons he slew A person of whom which I'm not fond A beetling young woman named Pridgets There once was a man named Ted Nathanial Geronimo Beam There was a young lady named Dot There were simply no "ifs", "ands", or "buts", There once was a student named Nell, Oh lord, how I miss ya Letitia, "Accidental!" said Sharpshooter Botts, There was a young fellow named Gaines "The Case of the Irate Inventor." I have long since regretted that Ed There was a wild dolly named Drury That utter nutter in Dumblane, That danged sniper in Washington town, Throughout Martin's years as a small lad, Sheriff Leroy Marholin Charest Young Raymond was careless, they say, There's this guy in Iraq named Hussein There was a young girl of Cologne A footloose and fancy-free earl A miserly geezer from the Pentagon, An affluent woman from Bristol There was a collection of schemers, (shoot all people who gods talk to -- quickly! - McW)
Said my randy old grandfather Nate,
This is file agm
A fertilized lady with headaches The john couldn't come and got sore; Any limerick purist you meet Alienated teenagers Identical twins killed their mother. In former days of passion and strife, The death of a gambler named Kealing A bright and a pretty au pair An alluring but cranky au pair A pity about cousin Bella, There was a young killer from Slice, A serial killer named Nash There once was a woman named Jill They murdered a fellow named Lee Two fine fellows we call Smee and Blogg I am proud to invoke the demise The gal of a doctor of diet The girl being murdered was screaming; Missing, (presumed dead) is Lord Lucan (Utility Consumer Action Network)
They had come in the fugue to the stretto, (stretto - more quickly)
FOR SALE: An old axe -- take as is. Said Emma, "Land sakes, Sister Lizzie, (in Ellery Queen magazine)
There once was a Scotsman named Ed An artist who lived in St Ives, If your live-in, your husband or wife A hammer or axe is quite neat, "Personality," said the man to his wife, There once was a young girl named Meg, Two brothers there were in Sioux City; A youthful beef-packer named Young, I've heard Arsenic's easy to trace As his amateur playing was vile, While resting and viewing the telly,
And sounds of annoyance ignores.
We'll beat in his head
Until he is dead;
A homicide done with due cause.
--- Archie
Was crushed to death by a tossed caber,
Hurled by one Andrew Krutting,
Enraged by Tabor's strutting
Around, boasting how he'd loved his neighbor.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0306
Who had about all she could take.
She held her kids down
In a bathtub to drown,
And now she's a famous fruitcake.
--- Anon
Was nagged by a little old maid.
A subsequent event
Involving cement
Silence her constant tirade.
--- Don Humphries
I wish that again I could kiss ya.
'Twas not my intent
To use so much cement,
That out from the lake I'd not fish ya.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A husband rather psychotic.
Shoes of wet cement,
His divorce present,
And both vacationed aquatic.
--- Darryl
In a coat made of concrete and lead."
"My God!" blubbered Doll,
Like a true gangsters moll,
"Are you saying my Freddie is dead?"
--- Peter Wilkins
The man, though he cited a slue,
He said mainly his mien,
So hateful and mean,
Made him drown the old fart in a slough.
--- A N Wilkins P9112
Strangely was thrown in a pond.
Unfortunately for him,
He never could swim,
And now (heh-heh) he is gone.
--- Black Daisy
Had a violent abhorrence of midgets.
Off the end of a wharf
She pushed a dwarf
Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
--- Edward Gorey P0501
Who paid a young woman for head.
After soaking his liver,
He drowned her in a river.
He's walking free. She's dead.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was found with his head in a stream;
They buried him, dead,
But his widow, named Ned,
Insisted his death was a dream.
--- Cap'n Bean P0401
Who would diddle more often than not.
She was held in the Bozenkill
Up to her nose until
Nothing was left but her twat.
--- G2319
Workers hates Hershey candy boss, Lutz;
Some one rolled him out flat,
Dipped him in a vat;
He is now a gross, semi-sweet, with nuts.
--- Ann Gasser P8904
Who had a most terrible smell.
We gave her some soap,
But there just was no hope,
So we shoved her into an old well.
--- Venus
I wish that again I could kiss ya.
'Twas not my intent
To use so much cement
That out from the lake I'd not fish ya.
--- Anon
"And I hope that the stinking judge rots!
Goddamned jury and he
Zapped my not guilty plea;
Just because my gun fired all six shots."
--- Ann Gasser P8909
Whose girl gave him trouble and pains.
So he shot the girl dead
With a hole in the head,
And he blew his cock off in her brains.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0698
'Twas thought he was killed by his mentor.
You wonder who-done-it?
Well, who owned the gun? It
Turned out 'twas the butler -- his renter.
--- Marlene Lewis
Caught me laying his wife in their bed...
I was too weak to run
When he whipped out his gun,
Which is why, for ten years, I've been dead!
--- Grand Prix Lim 111
Who shot her boyfriend in her fury,
When she caught the goon working
Like crazy at jerking...
She was cheered loud and long by the jury.
--- Grand Prix Lim 695
Fired his pistol again and again.
There was blood on the floor,
On the wall more gore,
And all of those children were slain.
--- Herkin
Of all loonies there, bears the crown.
At a more closer look,
He is just a small crook;
Anyway, dear, best keep your head down.
--- Anon
He was beaten severely by Dad.
Martin became undone
And obtained a large gun,
Then he blasted dear Dad and was glad.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0310
Is interred with his head to the west;
Buried just as he died,
With his gun by his side,
And a sheriff's badge pinned to his chest.
--- Cap'n Bean P0505
In planning his rolls in the hay;
For his last bedded doll
Was a Mob Capo's moll.
The result was some holes in the Ray!
--- Anon
Who, one could say, is insane.
The guy should be dead,
He's so dense in the head;
I vote -- a few rounds through his brain.
--- Daniel Holland
Who constantly talked on the phone.
But a party-line member
Shot her dead in December,
And nobody uttered a sound.
--- Glen Hughes P0201
Got involved with a beautiful girl.
And was later shot dead
By a woman who said,
That she was the mother of Pearl.
--- Lims Unlimited
Went out one day just for to rentagun.
Why pay the whole lot
For only one shot?
I might never on murder be bentagon.
--- Nikita
Was killed by a powerful pistol
When her mansion was robbed
By a robber named Bob,
Who made off with her sterling and crystal.
--- Cap'n Bean P0202
Who swore they were going to redeem us.
I said, "No you're not!"
But now they've been shot.
The Heroes! The Darlings! The Dreamers!
--- Basil Ransome-Davies
"At a hundred it's still not too late!"
But prevented by gout,
He couldn't get out,
And was shot by a husband irate.
--- Jim Vandermeer P9401
Decided to try Dianetics.
When she found that the foetus
Could take notes of coitus,
She shot dead the night man with Nedick's.
--- G1667
Took a gun to the overpriced whore.
Said detective Tom Flood,
Checking brain cells and blood,
There's more gore from the whore on the floor near the door.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0502
Would say, "Last lines must have but three feet."
So omit "from the whore"
Or perhaps "Near the door"
And Arthur will turn off the heat.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0502
Are (far as we know) prone to rages.
And in gun-loving U.S.
Seems massacre's jus'
One of those darn awkward stages.
--- Jarmo
And when the judge asked them which brother
Fired the shot to Mom's head,
They, in unison said,
"Sir, we cannot tell one from the other."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9405
It was, use your fist or your knife.
Now it is fun
To use a gun
And to snuff out the other guy's life.
--- Thomas Patton P9601
Put an end to his wheeling and dealing;
With an ace and a jack,
And a knife in his back,
He was found staring up at the ceiling.
--- Cap'n Bean P0606
Considered it very unfair.
The kid was a pain
So she opened his vein.
Now she's dining on bland prison fare.
--- TuttaGioia
Was arrested for lethal child care.
The kid was a pain
So she opened his vein.
But she swears that she tripped on the stair.
--- TuttaGioia
Chopped up into bits by her feller.
Her members and head
He kept under the bed,
But the trunk he put down in the cellar.
--- Odd Bodkins P0106
Who did things that weren't very nice.
Straight razor in hand,
He wandered the land
And thought his fun cheap at the price.
--- Chairman Steve
Who throttled young men with a sash,
With his chain saw took pains
To chop up the remains
And put out the parts with the trash.
--- A N Wilkins P8903
Who Jack had been dying to kill;
With a knife from his shelf
He killed her - and himself;
Their corpses were found on the hill.
--- Cap'n Bean P0208
As dead as a person could be;
They carved out his chest,
They dismembered the rest,
Then hung all his parts from a tree.
--- Cap'n Bean P0410
Set out one spring morning to jog;
But they found it more pleasant
To strangle a peasant,
And then dismember his dog.
--- MarcoM P8601
Of this fool, whom we all so despise.
When the bell rings, we'll start
To rip him apart;
Bags I for his balls and his eyes.
--- Beelzebub
Got dumped on so much you could cry. It
Took all her forbearance
After her icing him, Clarence,
To not cut his schlong off and fry it.
--- Not Jean Harris P8604
The man with the hacksaw was beaming;
He silenced her wail
When she started to flail;
Her blood down the headboard was streaming.
--- Cap'n Bean P0507
He didn't like nanny's home cookin'
He fled as she bled
And now it is said
He's in CA a-workin' for UCAN.
--- Doug Harris P0504
When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto,
Slipped forward and grabbed
Her tresses and stabbed
Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
--- Edward Gorey
From father's estate; it was his
Favorite tool and his pride
Till the day that he died.
Call Borden home and ask for Liz.
--- Arthur Deex P8703a
You certainly are in a tizzy!
If paw saw that hatchet,
You surely would catch it--
Which brings up the question: where is he?"
--- J C Honeycutt P9108a
Whose blood was part Irish, one said.
Ed was so offended,
He fully intended
To OFF with the slanderer's head.
--- Bert Keely
Collected quaint African knives.
But his children all thought
They were bought for their sport.
Out of eight only one now survives.
--- A E Prys-Jones
Is continuously causing you strife,
My dear friend, just relax,
Use a hammer or axe,
Or consider to purchase a scythe.
--- Anon
But a scythe? I don't think so, my sweet.
It needs practice and skill
And a cast-iron will,
To prevent it from mangling one's feet.
--- Anon
"Is something you have your whole life.
So just be submissive,"
He said quite dismissive,
Just before being stabbed by her knife.
--- Mikhail Lyubansky
Fell in love with a fellow named Greg.
Greg was very mean,
On which Meg was not keen,
So she stabbed his heart with a peg!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Each thought the other tioux pretty.
So each took his knife
And the other one's life.
Now which of the tioux Sioux yioux pity?
--- Harvard Lampoon P0007
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
Pushed his wife's ma, unseen,
In the chopping machine,
Then canned it and labelled it 'Tongue'.
--- Anon
If one's helped off this earth's troubled face.
But I question if whether
If in such an endeavor
Can the same thing be said for Old Lace?
--- Loren Fitzhugh
And she hated his wretched bass viol,
She considered it meet
To season his meat
With drops from the arsenic vial.
--- A N Wilkins P9112
The poisons were eating his belly;
He was found the next week,
In his bed made of teak,
All bloated and rotten and smelly.
--- Cap'n Bean P0508