The ghost of Will Shakespeare, to shit
In this place, decided to sit.
But some other twat
Came later and shat,
And covered the walls with this wit.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

If Shakespeare were writing today,
He'd say, "This vocation don't pay.
Though an artist I ain't,
I suppose I could paint...
I'm baroque and I need the Monet!
--- Observer TP9901

Goode friend, my bones do spare,
And not moveth them from heare;
Or I would be first
To wish you be curst,
To be barren of quim for a year.
--- Anon

I thought that I would be The Bard
Till my progress was suddenly marred
By a dearth of expedience
And lack of Shakespearience.
They say that I should now be barred.
--- Anon

Will Shakespeare, we know was another
Great poet of England whose brother
Inspired him to write
A verse every night,
Describing their flings with their mother.
--- Travis Brasell

A legend says Shakespeare would slink
Away to dark places to think
And, thus, be inspired
By whores that he hired
To put him right back in the pink.
--- Anon

My Koala named Mercer is trained
To serve crumpets and tea, I explained.
Tasting leaves in my cup
I explained, standing up
The Koala tea of Mercer's not strained. (Ms. Kitty)
--- Anon

His heroes and heroines tell
Their anguish and ecstasy well
And when they emote
In language we quote,
We join them in heaven or hell.
--- R J Winkler P8401

The scholars who study the Bard
Think Shakespeare had really tried hard
To turn out a play
Each day after day,
While showing the task no regard.
--- R J Winkler P8401

Did Shakespeare use Microsoft Word?
They say that a quill he preferred,
But it's certainly clear
That he word-processed Lear,
And he grammar-checked Richard III.
--- Richard Long

"Since with luck I might really have starred
As a poet," said Shakespeare, "it's hard
To spend all of my days
Merely writing cheap plays.
I might have become a great bard!"
--- A N Wilkins P8401

"Who so firm that cannot be seduced?"
That's my favorite Shakespeare 'mot juste';
"Firm" surpasses puns;
Does he hint at tits, buns,
Rigid pricks, or mere morals unloosed?
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402

If Shakespeare were writing today,
An actor would have more to say.
DiCaprio'd be broke;
His acting's a joke.
He can't compare to Olivier.
--- Anon

My best guess would be supersonics
Of Macbeth's and Iago's demonics
Would not be downrated
But emasculated
When they're found dumbed down in 'Ebonics'.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703

Poor Willie could get no reward;
His Annie refused the back yard.
She wouldn't give head,
Nor legs would she spread,
And gave him the name, no holes bard.
--- Anon

If Shakespeare were writing today,
He would likely have nothing to say;
For as everyone wots,
He stole all his plots,
And his dialogue's nought but cliche.
--- Francis Bacon

If Shakespeare were writing today
He'd have made his lone way to L.A.,
Where he'd have to give head
To the guys with the bread,
If he wanted to put on a play!
--- Anon

If Shakespeare were writing today
About Toastpoint, I know he would say,
Include my limericks,
With the assorted pricks,
That came here to lyrically play.
--- John Chastaine TP9901

If Shakespeare were writing today,
He would surely be carried away
With writing nude scenes
For buff kings and queens,
Since more than the plot shows today!
--- Anon

Do you mind if I join this affray
And bring you some culture today?
Will Shakespeare's the name
And I hope that you came
To the opening night of my play.
--- Peter Wilkins

In the speech of his time, did the Bard,
Refer to his prick as his 'yard',
But sigh no more, madam,
'Twas no longer than Adam's,
Or mine, and not one half so hard.
--- L1629

Shakespeare wrote sonnets and verse
All the way to his grave and his hearse.
But limericks, none.
He had little fun,
"No limericks" was his cruel curse.
--- Pete Gardner

Egads! You are so very wrong!
Of course, Willie wrote limerick song!
Here's one you can read,
And if there's a need,
There's more: finding them won't take long.
--- Travis Brasell

Say I to thee, Dearest, beware
Of men like me who to thee fair
Wilt give thee a rose,
Whilst shedding our clothes,
For more than our souls doth we bare.
--- Travis Brasell

But shouldst thy fair hand reach to pick
Thy rose, dear, thou mustn't be quick
To pluck, else in kind,
Thou wilt surely find,
In thy tenderest fingers, a prick.
--- Travis Brasell

Is there naught fair maid or shrew'd hag
Who dwells in yon village or crag,
The which wouldst be willing
For meal, aye! For shilling,
To bear this huge burden I drag?
--- Travis Brasell

Come quick! As in flight of strong sparrow,
Attendeth my bone without marrow;
Shouldst thou lacketh strength
To heave my hard length,
Then bringeth, O wench, thy wheelbarrow.
--- Travis Brasell

When Shakespeare wrote plays for the masses,
For people of various classes,
His tragedies thrilled
As heroes were killed,
And villeins made passes at lasses!

(villeins - peasants)
--- R J Winkler P8401

With characters taken from Plutarch,
Full many a play was a landmark;
As Shakespeare found there
The secrets that bare
The soul of a peasant or monarch.
--- R J Winkler P8401

If Shakespeare were writing today,
There wouldn't be much left to say.
He'd probably cuss
And make such a fuss,
That the government would put him away.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Bill Shakespeare, the "Creme de la Creme,"
Wrote sonnets and plays, so they claim.
But was he the one
Or was it really some
Other fellow who had the same name?
--- Margaret A Murdock P8401

"Despite all his subsequent fame,
William Shakespeare was playing a game,
For he did not write
The plays," declared Dwight.
"It was someone else by the same name."
--- A N Wilkins P8401

Seven ages, first puking and mewling,
Then very pissed off with one's schooling,
Then fucks, and then fights,
Then judging chap's rights,
Then sitting in slippers, the drooling.

(All the world's a stage...)
--- Victor Gray

This is file zjl

In Stratford, young Will went to school
For seven years -- he 'twern't no fool!
Learned Bible and Latin,
On language got fat 'n
Discovered he had a great tool.
--- Travis Brasell

Shakespeare, a scholarly nit,
Was quite proud of the limericks he'd writ.
But his siblings were schnooks,
Devoured all his chapbooks,
And each hair in his patrons armpit.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9402

To Stratford-on-Avon rain came.
More rain and then more of the same
Rose higher and higher
Until the town crier
Gave to Avon-on-Stratford its name.
--- Irving Superior P8401

If Shakespeare were writing today,
He'd have some advice to convey.
"To be so serious,
Can only weary us;
I know now, the thing is to play."
--- Finnegan

Ah, Shakespeare! your children's report'll
Never take you through Time's massive portal;
But do not lose cheer,
This limerick here
Will certainly make you immortal!
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

Over three hundred eighty-five years
Ago, over crumpets and beers,
Young Will was awritin'
Both day and night, 'n'
I think we should give him three cheers!
--- Travis Brasell

If Shakespeare were writing today,
I think he would be quite blown away
By all the publication
About fornication;
Be it hetero, bi-sexual, or gay.
--- Anon

The NEWSPEAK'S a language absurd.
All Shakespeare's reduced, I have heard.
To the Limerick's 5 line
And that Limerick divine,
Is condensed to a four-letter word.

(probably from 1984 - Orwell)
--- Dick Buenger P8406

The cast was having a ball
Playing Shakespeare out in the mall,
But the play was so sad
And they played it so bad,
Not a dry handkerchief in the hall.
--- Andy Sorenson P9009

When Shakespeare had mastered the sonnet
(I'd bet my last dollar up on it!)
He caused some deep flushes
And virginal blushes
While flipping the maidenly bonnet!
--- R J Winkler P8401

If Shakespeare were writing today
There is no doubt what he would say:
"I thought I was clever
But I could not, never
Write as meaningfully as C. Bronte.
--- Patty P TP9901

Will Shakespeare excells as a poet;
A check of his speeches will show it.
His players emote
So well that we quote
A beautiful line -- when we know it!
--- R J Winkler P8401

"What's in a name?" (Did Shakespeare start
To give an answer but lose heart
And beat around the bush
Then roses try to push?)
"What's in a name? In Mozart - Art."
--- Irving Superior P8401

Things look awfully bleak in Sicilia
When the King tells his queen, "I will kill ya!"
But the oracle's words
Charm a song from the Byrds,
And the ending's so grand, it'll thrill ya!
--- Ted Syrett

A beautiful Queen named Hermione
Brought forth a baby quite tiny.
But the King turned quite red;
Said it wasn't his kid,
And yelled, "Scram babe, that's no trick to try on me."
--- Enid Leff

Bill Shakespeare once wrote on the page:
The Earth is a wheeled wooden cage.
It's owned by Wells Fargo
And carries it's cargo
Through life...Yes, the world is a stage.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now Dickens, he wrote about Scrooge,
A man with a fortune so huge,
His fellows he'd screw,
'Cause Ebby sure knew,
To him all the world was a stooge.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Wilde's Canterville Ghost was a pain;
His blood spots a mark as of Cain.
They spread on the floor,
To be there evermore.
To him, all the world was a stain.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Jane Austin would write of young maids;
Those darlings who never got laid.
They'd ne'er get a kiss;
All good stuff they would miss...
To her all the world was so staid.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Said the Avon Bard, "'Twould be a pity
If I lost the gift to be witty.
If I did so, I know
De Vere, Bacon, Marlowe,
I would hire and we'd write by committee."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

Ah Willie! The turn of a word
As clever as any I've heard.
I wish you were here;
It's awfully clear,
That to you, we come in a poor third.
--- John Miller

I, while visiting Tesco's to buy
Bacon, sausages, eggs and a pie,
Wrote my list out in verse.
(This is hard, but what's worse;
Rhyme tomatoes and waffles--you try!)

(I Bacon wrote this rhyme)
--- Lynne Davies

I long to write verse about fishes,
Bacon, and eggs; but such wishes,
Wrote Will, 'I discard;
This proposal's too hard;
Rhyme is wanting to speak of such dishes.'

(I Bacon Wrote This Rhyme)
--- Mark W. Harlequin

I have heard vegetarians told
'Bacon's flavor you must miss of old!'
Wrote one such to The Times:
'This meat's not sublime,
Rhyme nor reason see I ain't being sold.'

(I Bacon wrote this rhyme)
--- Andrew Shires

Baconian is how I cook eggs
And sometimes, even do frog's legs.
Soon Dan will be telling
Me to watch my spelling.
It's true. I'm scraping the dregs.
--- Norm Brust

BACONIANS who really dig
Thought as Willy Shakewrit he's big.
Today are more rare
Than those with blank stare,
Who think he is Porky the Pig.
--- Chris Papa

Franciscan lovers BACONIAN
Also defy laws Newtonian.
Too much for this Oregonian.
--- Daniel Ford

Francis Bacon once said to his wife,
"The thought still cuts like a knife.
For when I did write
Shakespeare's dramas I quite
Neglected the chance of my life."
--- Arthur N Wilkins P8401

Mr F. is a figure forsaken.
His importance is often mistaken.
But he's highly Shakespearean
By any criterion.
I'm referring, of course, to F. Bacon.
--- Neal Wilgus P8401

Bill Shakespeare, if I'm not mistaken,
Worked hard at the job he had taken.
We must give him credit;
His family, he fed it.
He worked hard to bring home the Bacon.
--- Margaret A Murdock P8401

Will Shakespeare wrote many great plays;
Had a knack for 'turning a phrase.'
But some are in doubt
And bandy about,
That Marlowe deserves all the praise.
--- Gifford Wherry

Adherents of Shakespeare or Bacon
Will wager a very large stake on
Their side of this schism;
(See: "play-giarism")
But I know they both are mistaken.
--- John E Mayhood P0407

If Bacon, de Vere, even Marlowe,
Were with us today or tomorrow,
I think they'd all say
"No, there was no way
That Shakespeare, our help, he would borrow!"
--- Travis Brasell

Said Shakespeare, "I fear you're mistaken,
If you think that my plays are by Bacon.
I'm writing a book
Proving Bacon's a crook
And his style's an obscure and opaque 'un."
--- Anon