I'm sure that you have heard the claim,
Re: who wrote all those plays of great fame.
That it's perfectly clear
They were not by Shakespeare,
But by someone else with the same name.
--- Fran

You bet I can get very annoyed
When Dons, using learned sang froid,
Attack the old Bard
In Avon's back yard,
And argue who's to fill his void!
--- Barb

OXFORDIAN theory is hard,
Disclaiming that Will was the Bard
Of Avon, and so,
For all that I know,
Famed Homer was a Greek retard.
--- Chris Papa

If Shakespeare was so OXFORDIAN,
Goes debate like an accordion,
We'd have better clues
Than old Oxford blues,
And conundrum and a knot Gordian.
--- Daniel Ford

The Earl of Oxford, Edward de Vere,
Was thought to have written "Shakespeare";
But others say Bacon
And Marlowe were fakin';
I'd vote for Edward...the real King Lear.
--- David Miller

Was Shakespeare well-written by Bacon?
If true, all respect be forsaken
For such a big phoney
(His genius - baloney!)
Whose works would be products of fakin'!
--- R J Winkler P8401

A young bawd in a brothel did waken
To find her sex organs achin'.
She thought it Will's doing,
But all that rough screwing
Was authored by Sir Francis Bacon.
--- Getting Straight P8401

Some amateur players, most brave,
A performance of Hamlet once gave.
Said a wag, "Now let's see
If it's Bacon or he --
I mean Shakespeare -- who's turned in his grave."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

In many a sonnet the same
You promised him immortal fame:
Your friend shall live always
In Time's sounding hallways.
But tell us, Will, WHAT was his name!
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

Some attribute Shakespeare's work to Bacon.
Even if true, why be shaken?
Just rejoice in the perk
Of true genius at work.
That's the given with which to be taken.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0208

The author of Shakespeare is Bacon!
Though vast seems this great undertaking;
At dawn every day
He'd work on a play,
While William an essay was making.
--- Irving Superior P8401

...receding forehead...the nostril swell...
The backward thrust of the cerebell...
The dental flaw...
The jut of jaw...
Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well.
--- Irving Superior P8401

Into my hands a used sweeper fell.
At its sight I expelled a pained yell.
It was frayed, badly worn,
Just an object of scorn,
"Alas poor Oreck, I knew him well."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703

Prince H. and the queen get betrayed;
King C. and his rogue get the blade.
The windbag -- deflated,
Friends -- decapitated,
And madness devours the maid.
--- Lassies Lover

His heart tied in torturous loops,
Hamlet fears he hears someone that snoops.
What ho! It's a rat!
Take this! And take that!
Oh! Sorry, Polonius (oops).
--- Lassies Lover

King C. full of regal concern,
Sends Hamlet off, ne'er to return.
Guess who takes the whacks
From the Englishman's axe?
Good Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
--- Lassies Lover

But nobody knows in advance
Which is which, so I won't look askance.
If you said, that instead
They cut off the heads
Of good Guildenstern and Rosencrantz.
--- Lassies Lover

Prince Hamlet, that noble young Dane,
Was finally forced to complain
Of the sins of the court,
Where incest was sport.
In the end he got everyone slain.
--- Problem Dear Henry P8401

Hamlet was always delaying
A sensitive family slaying.
As eveyone dropped,
He finally stopped
The game that his uncle was playing.
--- Nicol Mackintosh

When all your dreams are busted bubbles;
When income halves or outgo doubles;
When there's no place to turn,
From William Shakespeare learn,
"Take alms against a sea of troubles."
--- Irving Superior P8609

For her Hamlet in drag, actress Clubb,
Learned her lines while immersed in the tub.
Using Method a bit,
She would finger her clit
As she memorized "Ah, there's the rub!"
--- Playboy Mag Jim Weaver

They've written some verse about me
In that lewd Limerick S I G,
And I'll bet my left tit
And my whole mother-wit
All the worst ones begin with "To be..."!

(S I G - special interest group)
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402

The corpse had been blasted, yuh sees!
Autopsy was ordered by Police.
Small pellets were used;
They are still confulsed --
Was it BB's or not BB's.
--- Archie

That fellow named Hamlet is mad,
Who talks too damned much to his dad.
He does in Polonius
In a manner felonious,
And is toward Ophelia a cad.
--- Warrick Elrod

A thing that caused Hamlet to scowl
Was that Claudius also would prowl
The hens in the coop,
To fill them with goop,
Which, unhappily, murdered most fowl.
--- Elmer L Fairbank

Those critics of 'Hamlet', asked Lee,
Whose ridiculous pieces we see
As incredibly bad,
Are they actually mad
Or merely pretending to be.
--- A N Wilkins P8401

While musing over Yorrick's remains,
Such wisdom Prince Hamlet attains!
For life is so brief
And death is the thief
Who robs us of all our life's gains.
--- Bob Mornington

It took all the loins he could girder,
When Claudius thought he might squirt her.
He made to the King
An offer to sing
A tune, with an earful of murder.
--- Badinage

Now Hamlet was a very odd lad,
Quite unable to avenge his dead dad.
But what's even more funny
Was his lust for his mummy;
An oedipus complex, he had.
--- Bobbob

Ophelia, feeling no pain,
And freed from the need to abstain,
Declared it was better
With big Irish setters.
(She'd been fucked quite enough by Great Danes).
--- Anon

The chief actors flew into rages
When the youngest of Claudius' pages
Fell through the trap door,
For the fellow, they swore,
Was constantly going through stages.
--- A N Wilkins P8401

If the good that men do is interred
With their bones, and that's what I've heard,
If this tale is true,
Then all we need do
Is dig them up. Ain't that absurd?
--- Al Willis P9806

In Denmark there was a young prince,
Who could not his Ophelia convince.
So he really did press her,
He fondled, undressed her,
And she's been quite glad ever since.
--- Bill Edwards P9103

This is file ail

An actor, who's rather a duffer,
Wondered, "Is it far nobler to suffer,
Arrows and slings,
And those sorts of things,
Or just grab a bird and then stuff her?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Guildenstern and his pal Rosencranz
Went to Prince Hamlet's house for a dance.
He Ham introdu-
ced 'em, he knew who was who
By the big G's and R's on their pants.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402

The play, said Hamlet, is the thing,
Wherein I find the guilt of the king.
We'll put on a show;
If his face doth glow
I'll know he's behind Dad's passing.
--- Anon

Prince Hamlet thought uncle a traitor
For having it off with his Mater.
Revenge Dad or not -
That's the gist of the plot -
And he did - nine soliloquies later.
--- Stanley J Sharpless P8401

Did Ophelia ask Hamlet to bed?
Was Gertrude incestuously wed?
Is there anything certain?
But the fall of the curtain
Almost everyone's certainly dead.
--- A Cinna

Poor Hamlet! It's fit to congeal ya,
To see what a hard fate can deal ya.
For what did him in,
Was a prick in the skin,
When the prick should have been in Ophelia.
--- Anon A

Poor Ophelia sighed, "I deplore
The fact that young Hamlet's a bore.
He just talks to himself.
I'll be left on the shelf,
Or go mad by the end of Act IV."
--- Frank Richards

When the ghost told Hamlet of his killing,
For vengeance the son seemed unwilling.
This pathetic inaction
Is the principle attraction
To which Lit students so often go milling.
--- Bobbob

Hamlet's pal was performing fellatio
And was stunned by his width-to-length ratio.
Quoth the Dane, "I've more girth
Under Heaven or Earth
Than you've ever dreamt of, Horatio!"
--- Stargazer

A thing that Prince Hamlet abhorred
Was having a mother who whored;
Though speculatory,
It makes a good story
So readers will seldom be bored.
--- R J Winkler P8409

Brooding Hamlet seemed somehow star-crossed
In a life, at best, most tempest tossed.
As its plot did evolve,
He performed with resolve,
Fearing he who meditates is lost.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0305

The quality of mercy's not strained,
But the look on its face is quite pained.
The modern generation
Has caused consternation
Since paradise has been regained.
--- Tony Burrell

Excuse me, dear Hamlet, for me
The question's not "Be, or to be?"
I'd fain leave today.
Then why do I stay?
I can't pay the burial fee!
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

One morning, Shakespeare, on a whim,
Decided to compose a lim,
But "To be or be not"
Was as far as he got,
So we won't get much more out of him.
--- Jim Weaver Collection A

It's Hamlet that's mostly bereft,
For the new King is cunning and deft.
But when they're all done
With their ponderous fun,
There ain't hardly anyone left.
--- Elmer Fairbank

Polonius was quite wise as you'll see.
When from Denmark his son wished to flee,
His advice was quite clever,
For he said one should never
A lender nor a borrower be.
--- Bobbob

Hamlet's wit could seldom be beaten.
He killed Polonius and soon felt the heat on,
So he said the poor sinner
Had been detained at dinner,
But not where he ate but was eaten.
--- Bobbob

Ophelia endeavored to sing
As she leapt in the stream from her swing.
Her melodious lay
That maleficent May
Made her spring in the Spring in the spring.
--- Gately

Said Ophelia to the prince, "Now look, Hamlet,
I fail to see mirth in this gambit!
The nunnery sounds grim,
But methinks it's your whim!
I like it, sir, NOT! Not a damn bit!"
--- Ystap

Ophelia, Ham's gal, was the one
Who off to flip out she did run.
While Ham talked to ghosts,
She sat round and moped,
Till he said, "Go live with the nuns."
--- Anon

Prince Hamlet, out walking his dog,
Spied Ophelia face-down in the bog;
The two noble Great Danes
Used their brawn and their brains,
But, alas, she was snagged on a log.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8401

"To be," said young Hamlet the wit,
"Or not to be." (Snip out the shit.)
"Perchance I will dream
Of bare bodkins and scream
'Won't you give me Ophelia tit?'"
--- Peter Wilkins

A fellow with ghosts and some shamlets,
Lost his girlfriend, Ophelia, Poor lamb-let.
Instead of taking a wife,
He is stuck with a knife,
Then orphaned and poisoned, poor Hamlet!
--- E Wolf

A scene Shakespeare addicts love to see,
And well worth waiting for, believe me,
Is that soliliquy
Which begins with, "To be,"
Not done peripatetically.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0306

I thought I'd play Hamlet, the day
I auditioned to be in the play;
But I'm Oaric and I
Must in playing him, try
To be foppish, beribboned, and fey.
--- Anon

A nosy old coot named Polonious
Thought to eavesdrop was good. (How erronious!)
He got his comeuppance --
For a ducat. (That's tuppence)
Hamlet sliced him like so much bolognious.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402

"Egad!" said Polonius to Laertes,
He hugged him and gave him a nice squeeze.
"Here's my advice to you,
To thine own self be true,
Unless, more's the pity, you're big cheese!"
--- Ystap

An old Danish jester named Yorick,
Drank a gallon of pure paregoric.
"My jokes have been dull",
He said, "But my skull
Will one of these days be historic."
--- Ogden Nash

Did this line describe Yorrick best?
"A fellow of infinite jest."
It suits him quite well
For a grin eternal,
Which he wore during his disturbed rest.
--- Phil T

"To be or not to be," Damn!
Is humanity merely a sham?
Hamlet finally observed
(And Popeye concurred):
I am what I am what I am.
--- Anon

Except on those days when it rains,
We actors stroll hedgerows and lanes,
Till, sat on a hillock, we
Declaim the soliloquy
Of Hamlet, the Prince of the Danes.
--- Barrie Collins

That "To be or not to be?" speech
Was really a bit of a reach.
The use of a knife,
To take your own life,
Is only what Samurai teach.
--- Larry Davis P8604

Prince Hamlet from Old Elsinore
Had a problem he couldn't ignore.
He caught Uncle Claude
With his Mama, the Bawd,
And decided to settle the score.
--- Arthur Deex P8402