A boring old fart was St Raight;
'Gainst gay men he'd constantly prate.
He never was gayer
Than in breaks from prayer,
When Les Girls he would viciously bait!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Though his garments be ragged and holely,
A hermit's God's instrument wholly.
In each prayer that he prays,
He praises God's ways --
God's wholly, though holely, thrice holy!
--- Laurence Perrine P8712

Once the lady'd been eaten by maggots,
Or hardened like diamonds and agates,
The truth could be shown:
That the lady named Joan
Of Arc had been murdered by faggots.
--- Anon

The King's men were pleased with their catch;
To a stake they tied Joan with dispatch.
She exclaimed as she stood
In the twigs and the wood,
"I'm afraid that I've just met my match."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2491

St Joan, the Maid's latitude,
Produced victories but no gratitude,
From a sniveling Dauphin
Who let Warwick go on,
Saying Joan claimed a beatitude.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0608

John the Baptist declared he was sick,
That a hermit's life wasn't the trick,
A hot desert venue,
Nor a grasshopper menu,
To keep women from wanting his prick.
--- A N Wilkins P8712

Mark, Matthew and John, apostolic,
Round Palestine gaily would frolic.
They screwed all the whores
On Galilee's shores,
While drinking that juice alcoholic.
--- Anon

Blessed spirits discover one thing;
Pius living alone will not bring
The place they desire
In the Heavenly Choir.
They have to be able to sing.
--- A N Wilkins P8710

Joan of Arc, canonized teenybopper,
Was her pious claim fitting and proper,
That she heard from St. Michael
On a regular cycle,
Or was she another name dropper?
--- A N Wilkins P9507

Said the Druid to St. Pat, "It's a fake,
That thing that you chase ain't a snake."
But the thing's vicious bite,
Made him cry, "You are right,
Give me 'asp'--irin fast for my ache."
--- 500 Best Irish JokesP9511

Said the Pope to his Archbishop Gluck:
"With the statues of saints we've had luck.
Tears by one have been shed,
And the other has bled;
What we need is a saint that can suck."
--- Albin Chaplin

She wanted to grow up a Saint,
And her mother, she had no complaint.
But men -- quite a few --
Were more fun than a pew,
So she wanted to be, but she ain't!
--- Aurora

At these Revelations, ap-Paulled,
James thought they are bound for a fall.
Then he Luked at Judas,
Said "Boy, what a cute ass",
And had him a sodomite ball.
--- Anon

An old archaeologist Throstle
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from the ratchet
And the knob that would catch it,
'Twas the pawl of Peter the Apostle.
--- Arthur Deex P9704a

St. Simeon clearly was nimble.
Though his quarters were small as a thimble,
This could not make him stop
Living atop
Of a sixty-two foot phallic symbol.
--- A N Wilkins P8712

From heaven the saints all observe us,
Recording each act of disservice.
But going too far,
You'll end up in a jar,
'Cause that's where the saints will preserve us.
--- Tom Patton P9609

The lecherous hermit, St Iffy,
When out was quite often whiffy.
When asked which old trout
He'd just taken out,
He'd bend down and have a quick sniffy!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Young Agnes, a martyr and saint,
Thought marriage had too great a taint,
And on heavenly urgin'',
Remained as a virgin:
Your patron if bonkin' you ain't.

(patron saint of virgins)
--- Chris Papa

St Francis liked beasts in the field;
To him all the beasties would yield.
He'd plunder their treasure
For his private pleasure,
Then sniff where the semen congealed.
--- Archie

Saint Anthony, in his temptation,
Was urged to enjoy fornication
By bitches with nipples
Like colliery tipples,
And clefts like the Cunt of Creation.

(tipple - where the ore is dumped down to railcars)
--- G1165

"A hermit's life has limitations,"
Said St. Anthony, "and consolations.
Mine is never a bore,
Since each day about four,
The girls come with my daily temptations."
--- A N Wilkins P8712

St. Augustine, never straight-laced,
When converted, prayed: "God, make me chaste.
Yet," he added though, "Lord,
It would be untoward
To do it with unseemly haste."
--- A N Wilkins P9609a

As a youth he felt little restraint...
Had a mistress in Carthage (how quaint!)
Who gave him a son,
Then he said, "I'm done
With sin; I am shooting for Saint!"
--- Tutta Gioia

St. Augustine says that Hell lies
Way up 'twixt those womanly thighs,
And fucking the women's
The basest of sinnin'...
And childless the old bugger dies.
--- Hugh Clary

So I'm burning the bong with my Zippo,
When your rhyme sends me off on a trippo.
Knowing Augustine, Saint,
While showing restraint,
Would rather be humming a hippo.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Well, Augy was into perversion;
Like Paul he then got a conversion.
And then became Bishop
Of Hippo, to dish up
His weird anti-female assertion.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He stopped giving head, wiped his chin.
This evil place that I've been in,
Is whence we're all born;
It's nothing but porn;
I'll call it Original Sin.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Please consider now St. Bernadette
After cannonization, I'll bet,
When revisiting Lourdes
And confronting great hordes
Said, "Mon Dieu! Look, a tourist trap yet!"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9609

Among the saints is Saint Bernard;
He spent his life in some church yard.
He'd burglars fright;
Trespassers bite;
But nuns with trysts, would disregard.
--- Irving Superior P9609

St. Christopher said, "When I drag,
Or just cruise in my racing-green Jag,
With my foot on the pedal
I don't trust my medal--
But I've faith in the factory air bag!"
--- William N Nesbit P9609

Dear St. Christopher, recently rocked
By the church and in essence defrocked,
Was chastised by the Pope,
Who said, 'There's no hope.
You can't 'serve and protect' when you're crocked."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9609

St David of Wales is unique
But not for the words he would speak,
Or the life that he led;
He's, oddly, instead
Remembered for taking a leek.
--- John Miller

Can't believe you picked on St. Francis,
Who loved all animals (even asses),
Birds and snakes,
Creatures of the lakes,
And pussies belonging to young lasses.
--- Anon

This is file yrl

Of Assisi, St. Francis, the while
Did both animals, lay folk beguile.
But at last it came out
That as well as a lout,
He was found to be a Zoophile.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9609

Said Joan on the pile, "I confess,
To be burned at the stake is a mess.
Though I frankly avow,
I'm smoking more now.
But clearly enjoying it less."
--- Lims Hist and Hyst P9607a

Said St. Joan, the last words that she spoke,
"All I said was, 'Now I'd like to smoke',
Just a feminie whim
For a Virginia slim--
What's the matter, you can't take a joke?"
--- William N Nesbit P9609

St. Joan abjured gowns gem encrusted;
Instead in her 'voices' she trusted.
And designed men's attire
Before the line caught fire;
Non-spontaneously St. Joan combusted.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9609

St. John the Divine said, "It seems,
Though on Patmos I've tried lots of schemes
In attempting to keep
From going to sleep,
I still have there terrible dreams."
--- A N Wilkins P9608

A naughty young fellow named Paul
On the road to Damascus did fall.
He got up with a grin,
Said, "No more will I sin."
And later became great St Paul.
--- Tom Kearney

An old archeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from its bend
And the knob on the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
--- Anon L0166

'Twas a hardened old Biblical fossil -
Though a find, it was hardly colossal -
But the Vatican thought,
From the wonders it wrought,
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

And then there is good old St Peter
Who couldn't be any discreeter.
He decides female fates
At his own pearly gates,
Right after he slips them the metre.
--- Peter Wilkins

I admire St. Simon Stylites,
Who faced with a shortage of nighties,
Sanctimonious and solemn,
Reached up from his column
And quietly pinched the Almighty's.
--- Ogden Nash P9002

May you savor each summertime lay.
May only the best come your way.
May the ides of July
Be perfectly dry
For a fabulous St. Swithin's Day.
--- A N Wilkins P8612

St. Valentine, give me a break!
Why don't you go jump in the lake?
Diabolical crap,
All this chocolate and sap --
Heartburn's real, but orgasm's fake!
--- CB

Happy Valentine's Day to the pick
Of the studs, one who's really a brick.
As we girls ought to know,
He's the right kind of Joe
Whose heart is as big as his prick.
--- A N Wilkins P8612

Among lesser saints is St. Vitus.
His dervish dances still excite us.
We do the dance
With ants in our pants,
Or crabs that sporadically bite us.
--- Irving Superior P9609

Recent converts would look quite askance,
Although older ones seemed in a trance.
Chanting, "Wow, Holy Gee,
That's what we love to see,
The stif, gaunt, awkward St. Vitus dance.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9609

It was just as St Francis suspected
And he therefore felt more than dejected.
Being too shocked for words
Said, "This thing's for the birds;
My stigmata have grown quite infected."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401

In a pub with Saint Thomas Aquinas,
I was suddenly struck by his shyness.
When I said, "God's in doubt,"
He quickly ran out.
Well, that was a bit of a minus.
--- Bill Wall

When he died about AD 269,
Old martyred Saint Valentine
Didn't know on his feast,
Every last mangey beast
Would consider it time to entwine.
--- Jilbur

For my Sweet Thing, on Valentine's day,
Got some chocolates; hope she will play
Spin-the-bottle with me;
And then, maybe I'll see
If she hankers to "go" all the way!
--- Anon

Lots of saints are driven, I think,
To take an occasional drink,
By the moral decay
Of the people who play
Bedroom games. They screw like a mink.
--- Kent B Hake P9609

Sport a plaid kilt, the finest e'er seen;
Raise a shillelagh and toast with beer green.
Eat cabbage and corned beef;
Find the lucky clover leaf;
Dance with leprechauns, it's March seventeen.
--- Ed Amm

It's the day to forego your routine
And abandon your usual mien.
For to honor the saint,
You must act like you ain't
And drink 'til you'r sallow and green.
--- Limerick Savant

Saint Patrick! He drove out the snakes
From the mountains, peat bogs, and the lakes;
Whence come Irish Stew,
And Guinnes brew too.
No snakes! What a difference it makes!
--- William K Alsop Jr

Saint Patrick said, "I'm no great shakes,
And I don't do fires, floods or earthquakes.
Under rocks, in the grass,
Sure, and you bet your ass,
On this Emerald Isle there's no snakes."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9609

On St. Patrick's Day, join the routine.
Wear green and enliven the scene,
Help spread the good cheer,
Drink quarts of green beer,
And next day you yourself will turn green.
--- A N Wilkins P8612

"In New Orleans," reported the scout,
"Our old nemesis lives, I've no doubt.
There the hosts of St. Pat
Will engage in combat,
And we snakes will drive all the Saints out!"
--- William N Nesbit P9609

I have to put on the brake,
For this thing about Patrick and snake
Is a lot of old mist.
Snakes did never exist
In Ireland - It's a religious "mistake".
--- Anon

The "snake" is a symbol for Devil,
Which the Church saw as being quite level
With the Pagan and Druid
Religions, quite fluid,
In those parts of Ireland's dishevel.
--- Anon

The "pagan" or "country dweller"
Worshiped some gods that seemed sweller
To them than the "White One".
But the Church taught the "Right" one
Was better than the other feller.
--- Anon

Patrick (that's not what he was named)
Was enslaved by some Irish disdained,
For slavery and plunder
And so it's no wonder
That he sought the revenge he has claimed.
--- Anon

The "Horned God" was a Nature sprite,
But was transformed, by the pen, overnight,
Into a most foul fate --
The "Devil Incarnate"
And by Patrick was then put to flight.
--- Anon

And so this great myth comes to close,
I dry my wet eyes, blow my nose,
For the injustice is clear
What ever you hold dear
Can be twisted into - "Heaven Knows".
--- Anon

I'll admit in no uncertain terms,
Every serpent that slithers and squirms
Was drove out by Saint Pat,
But I'll shit in my hat,
If that putz didn't leave all the worms.
--- Anon

In Limerick, they tie up the streets
With poets who, begging for sweets,
Recite day and night
With doggerel delight,
Deluding themselves that they're Yeats.
--- Anon