The axe murderer, Ignatius Vaught,
In the whole U.S. was closely sought.
He prayed the hue and cry
Would pass him right by.
Prayer was answered, he never was caught.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0507

Please God, see the problem that bothers;
Each Irish lot fights all the others.
Pray, turn all the creed
Into heathens; The breed
Will then mix like true Christian brothers.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9008

I can laugh in the face of a leopard
When I wear my magical leotard.
There's nothing to fear
When danger lurks near,
For I know that the Lord in my Sheopard
--- Arthur Deex P9110

To pray for some rain, tried Miss Fenster --
When rain failed to come, it incensed her.
And what made it more tragic,
She had not studied magic,
Or perhaps a lot more prayed against her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2569

In Embarrass, Minnesota they're saying:
Not a day should go by without praying.
We don't make a faux pas
That would cause a hoo-ha,
That could start our good name a-fraying.
--- William K Alsop Jr

There was an old pilgrim named Goss,
Who walked to the shrine with a cross.
For so long he went forth
With his face to the north,
That his pecker was covered with moss.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2090a

The power of Faith, it is said,
Can sometimes bring life to the dead.
And the ages have shown
That it is not unknown
For the converse to happen instead.
--- Beelzebub T9801

Her tears are like pearls in a shrine!
O lord, let that treasure be thine!
But that rich source of rubies
Adjacent her pubes
Be an inexhaustable mine!
--- Lance Payne P8601

'Twas the night that the gals congregate
For a prayer group that always ran late;
Where they prayed for lost souls,
As they squeezed tight their holes,
And swore they would not fornicate.
--- Bob Birch P0511

An intricate problem had Ray;
He fell on his knees and did pray.
Now he was not devout,
As it later turned out,
But he knew there was no other way.
--- Albin Chaplin

Let's cheer for school prayer, ONE-TWO-THREE!
How could prayer hurt our right to be free?
Religious rules
Wouldn't hurt kids in schools,
Just as long as they pray just like me.
--- John Miller 0363

The Emergency Broadcasting squeal
Is loud enough to upchuck your meal.
But, never mind,
It's been very kind,
Never to have squealed for real.
--- Harry Rubin P9301

As I've said, I don't care if you pray,
Just as long as you do it my way!
(Since Congress, rough-shod,
Stuck in "Under God",
I don't pledge allegiance that way!)
--- John Miller

An overblown floozie from Aix
Was truly enamored of sex;
She prayed, "O dear God,
You gave me a bod,
Now find me a pecker that pecks."
--- Armand E Singer 273

If prayer is so sweet and sublime,
And assists in our heavenly climb,
Why propose to prepare
For a moment of prayer?
We should simply pray all of the time.
--- Albin Chaplin

In my youth it was not a big deal
In our family circle," said Neil.
"Mom was not a bad cook,
But we went by the book
And prayed at the start of each meal."
--- A N Wilkins P9008

Grant me tolerance, Lord, when my Ben
Has a yearning to stray once again.
Grant me patience at length,
But do not grant me strength.
For I'll beat him to death, Lord. Amen.
--- Anon

The Right Reverend Archbishop Foster
Sidled up to this babe to accost her,
And was quick to agree
On a suitable fee --
Two Hail Marys and one Paternoster.
--- Hugh Oliver A105Aa

In a land where the folks were devout
Came a spell of dry weather throughout.
So they prayed for some rain,
But to pray was in vain,
For some bastards, it seems, prayed for drought.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2542

Said the preacher, "The lawyers are fools
Who think they can suppress it with rules.
As long as kids cram
For a final exam,
There will always be prayer in the schools."
--- A N Wilkins P8706

There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Who used to take cocks without pickin' 'em.
She'd kneel on the sod,
And pray to her God
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
--- Norman Douglas L0116

Dear father, last year weren't funny,
To promise me a nice young honey,
Who smelled of fish.
So please grant my wish
As I'm gay... and give me money.
--- David Miller Q

Joy is where you find it; it's free.
So if sane and happy you'd be,
Live, laugh, and be kind,
Leave all darkness behind;
I'll pray for you. Please pray for me.
--- John Miller

There was an old man who was spry.
He once caught a fly on the fly.
As it tickled his palm,
He recited a psalm:
"Dear Lord, what a good boy am I!"
--- Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401

I do love a religious man,
And am on my knees when I can,
To give many thanks
For long hot hard shanks;
They're always in my divine plan.
--- Carol

Bless you, my dear, now come here;
If you pray, then I'll whip out my spear.
If you gobble and suck,
You'll be in for a fuck
Up your orifices, frontal and rear.
--- Peter Wilkins

If each team prays they'll be victorious,
Quite confident, almost euphorious,
Their prayers, heard on High,
Would result in a tie --
Would the spectators think that was glorious?
--- Ann Gasser P9009

Sure, I'm living in Ballydehob,
Away from that damn city mob.
I go to Confession,
Attend every Mission,
Say the Rosary each night by the hob!
--- Linda Marsh Coll

That devout Presbyterian, Shore
Would pretend to find sex a big bore.
But at supper he'd pray,
"Dearest God, make my day;
Bless this food, 'rouse my wife, and much more."
--- Armand E Singer 709

There was an old fellow of Leeds;
With rosary he prayed for his needs.
He prayed like a demon
To be a great he-man;
He was short about eighty-four beads.
--- Albin Chaplin a

We thank thee, O Spirit of Truth,
For delivering us from uncouth
Superstitious beliefs,
The false terrors and griefs
That once darkened the days of our youth.
--- A N Wilkins P0509

A shameless old shaman, Lone Bear,
So aged, he just didn't care,
Would squat in his teepee
And drink his own peepee,
While deeply immersed in lewd prayer.
--- Armand E Singer 115

"My son you should not feel such guilt,
I know of the juice that you've spilt;
Now here's what I'm working on:
That 'bat' gals are jerking on
Will soon have a permanent wilt!"
--- Anon

This is file ysl

Then I'll buy me some liquid Viagra,
And my dick'll be just like Niagara.
The juice won't be stoppin'
'Cause Mycoxaflopyn
Will fix it and be my new Savior.
--- Anon

When young, Lord Alfred Tennyson
Found a road-killed deer. His benison:
Dear God, please freshen
These pounds of flesh 'n
Just call me the Merchant of Venison.
--- Anon

Cockney Prelate, the Monsignor Tice,
Prior to dining last Tuesday on Plaice,
Admonished his host,
"'ere, 'old off wif that toast,
Until I've 'ad a chance to say Grice."
--- Loren Fitzhugh

"Whenever my wife prays," said Lee,
"She is asking the good Lord to see
If he can't make a sinner
In that instance a winner,
And have two plus two equal three."
--- A N Wilkins P9008

When Marty reflects on the bees
And the birds, she drops down to her knees
Then makes her chest bare
And whispers this prayer,
"Please give me two firm double-D's.
--- Peter Wilkins

We thank thee, Whom it May Concern,
For delivering us from that which we spurn:
Superstitious beliefs,
The false terrors and griefs,
And for what in our youth we would yearn.
--- Arthur Deex P0509

Dear Lass, may you grow, but not older;
May your love always flame and not smolder;
May your tits never sag,
Nor your ass never drag;
May your twat be the tightest cock-holder.
--- Travis Brasell

Dear Lad, may each lass whom you see
Be quite eager to screw you for free;
May you give her a smile
When you boff doggy-style,
With a cock that is grand and not wee.
--- Travis Brasell

Said mother to son, "Take this charm,
So nothing will hurt or give harm
To you or your net,
Or that which you get.
But if it should fail, just yell "Darn!"
--- Matthew Montchalin

A thought about reincarnation
Which fills me with slight trepidation,
Is being reborn
As a barbecue prawn,
Or some equally tasty crustacean.
--- Peter Wilkins

If your flesh, it will sink to the ground,
And a prawn's life will be your next round.
If you end on my plate,
(Thought it might be too late)
You'll end in my mouth, whole and sound.
--- Ulla

In which case, my dear, open wide;
There's no reason to wait 'til I've died,
And returned as a prawn;
So come chew on my brawn,
As a foot past your tonsils I slide.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm trying to live this life right,
Because there's a chance that I might
Require re-birth
And come back to earth
Disguised as a hermaphrodite!
--- Anon

If population numbers allow
Past lives of all persons of Now,
To be well-to-do --
Where there were so few --
Will someone please explain how?
--- Paul Niquette

A man from a small third-world nation
Believed in reincarnation.
He worshipped the cat,
But came back as a rat;
It was to his great consternation.
--- Monique de Plume

A bore asked in brief conversation
If I believed in reincarnation.
I said, "Yes! You of course
Were the back end of a horse;
Your presence is pure confirmation!"
--- Ray E Gessler

In each of my previous lives,
I've had numerous girlfriends and wives,
Who in each incarnation
Bore the next generation,
Into which my dead spirit revives.
--- John Miller 0081

The way that I heard it was this:
Don't run somewhere else, seeking bliss.
Wherever you work,
You'll find the same jerk,
And still find that something's amiss.
--- Hilde na Beag

My old aunt this faith promulgated;
I'll tell it as it was related:
Think everything great,
For that which you hate
Is how you'll be reincarnated.
--- Tiddy Ogg

But the last time around, I did not;
I wasted my time smoking pot.
I forgot to beget
So I'm not quite here yet,
Someone else is here filling my slot.
--- John Miller 0081a

Saint Andrew, our bonny apostle;
Och, Aye, he's an icon colossal.
But wha's tha, the noo?
Andy's their patron too?
How can whiskey and vodka jostle.
--- Anon

According to John Milton's ex,
That old Puritan fart loved to vex
His friend and his foe
By pretending to know
What the angels above do for sex.
--- A N Wilkins P8710

Celebrate is a wild, lavish way --
Costly wines with a subtle bouquet.
Bring the dancing girls on
And carouse until dawn.
After all, April Fool's is our day.
--- A N Wilkins P8612

Saint Augustine found it quite odd,
How the spirit would fight with the bod.
So he wrote his "Confessions"
To purge his obsessions,
And then wrote "The City Of God".
--- Anon

Augustine was a light-hearted bloke;
He poked all the gals he could poke.
When the finger of God
Gave him the old prod,
The "Confessions" revealed 'twas no joke.
--- Annie Jay

While looking for fossils, six meters
From Basilican altars, Prof. Jeeters
Claimed to find relics quaint --
Holy bones of a saint --
But the bones that they found were all peters.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2191a

A newcomer greeted a saint:
"It's ol' Peter, goddam if it ain't!"
"Sir, here you may use
Any language you choose,
But, God damn it, you cannot say ain't!'"
--- Laurence Perrine P8907

Saint Augustine was one the the greater
Confessors -- a true master baiter
Of sin in its lair --
And here's Augie's great prayer:
"Make me chaste, Lord, but not just now -- later!!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8409 a

St David of Wales is unique,
But not for the words he would speak,
Or the life that he led;
He's, oddly, instead
Remembered for taking a leek.

Thomas said to a maid on an outing,
"What's this 'sex' all the masses are touting?
Sure, I'd like to be saint,
But a martyr I ain't--
Can I resist temptation? I'm doubting."
--- William N Nesbit P9609

The aptly named old man St Upid
When ignored by the Greek God Cupid,
A hermit became,
And then he gained fame,
For the locals he constantly duped.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The aptly named hermit, St Upid
The locals he constantly dup-ed
By giving advice
On all kinds of vice
Misusing the urgings of Cupid!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A hermit, a social outcast,
Was arrested for sins in his past.
Told, "Don't dawdle so,
You are going too slow,"
Replied, "No, I am going to fast."
--- Laurence Perrine P8712