But being a quick-witted bard,
I stroked my dick, making it hard.
And when it was primed,
I climbed and I climbed
Its shaft until I reached my yard.
--- Travis Brasell

Last night, friends, I finished my climb
And tell of it, humbly in rhyme,
That simply bespeaks
Of what I, for weeks,
Have done in the passing of time.
--- Travis Brasell

I was born with an 18 foot cock;
The nurses were all on my jock.
I had it all made;
With me they all played.
Like geese, all females loved to flock
--- Dick Churtz

Dear, Sir, if this really were true
You would NEVER find someone to screw.
Is it 12, or 18?
(What the hell, its YOUR dream)
Perhaps, you can use it on YOU.
--- Dick Churtz

A twelve foot cock is way too long;
You'd never have me on that dong.
I'll settle for Peter,
And his measly meter;
I think you best lay off that bong!
--- Dick Churtz

I can't say I wrote this lim sober;
I measured it last in October.
You have lots to say
And don't believe me but Hey!
Why not have your girlfriend bend over.
--- Dick Churtz

This lim has made me feel sick,
'Cause I have but four inches of dick.
But the ladies do grin
When I put it in,
'Cause most women like it that thick.
--- Dick Churtz

If my cock was twelve inches, you see,
Then a most famous porn star I'd be.
Day and night I'd fill hole,
With my big mighty pole,
And I'd also make lots of money.
--- Anon

No livestock or men would I shag,
(The diseases are surely a drag)
But me pounding tail
Of every female,
Would be featured in every porn mag.
--- Anon

A keyboard can be used to measure
The length of the organ of pleasure,
That men take in hand
And feel rather grand,
As they lovingly massage that treasure.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Place penis on top row of keys,
And start at the left, if you please.
Now Trav's may reacch E,
And Peter reach T,
But for me? I run out of keys.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I go out of town in the car,
Lie down in the back; see how far
Up an old five bar gate
It'll reach. I can state
That I'll usually reach the top bar.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I tried that technique in my youth,
With the aid and assistance of Ruth.
From the left it reached E;
That's the E after C;
At the right of her piano, forsooth.
--- Peter Wilkins

She snickered while I did undress;
This gal was so hard to impress.
So proudly I stood...
'Til she said "That's no good!"
"I'm needing nine inches, no less!"
--- Anon

There was no way she'd be appeased;
She said no, as the moment you seized?
She for her clinches
Required nine inches?
Good grief she is easily pleased!
--- Anon

A lad with an eighteen inch penis,
By nurses was fed intravenous
Viagra nonstop,
So each one could hop
Aboard without him losing keenness.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I have to admit with a sigh
And regret that that lad wasn't I;
For those nurses just giggle,
And wiggle and jiggle
Their bosoms and thighs and say 'Hi'.
--- Anon

I'm angry and nearly in shock!
In public, a gal grabbed my cock,
And stroked it quite madly,
Without feeling badly,
That she'd rubbed a hole in my sock!
--- Anon

Be careful when you're getting dressed!
She probably was quite impressed
That you had three feet
But she was discreet,
'Cause it was the right she caressed.
--- Anon

Just don't tuck that part in your sock,
Or caresses will mean you can't walk.
Your socks won't have holes,
If one of your goals
Is rolling it up in your jock.
--- Anon

I'm glad that my socks are dark blue,
Because the dark shade tends to skew
My goo when it shoots,
Deep into my boots,
And the stain's hidden well by the hue!
--- Anon

A scot from the valley of Clyde,
Proclaimed to the world with great pride:
"My pecker's so long
And incredibly strong,
Six pigeons can perch side by side."
--- Bluebird TP9807

"My dear, at the grape you've been nipping.
Your vision has just gone a-tripping.
The truth is, my pet,
Only three birds can set,
And the third one, his foot keeps on slipping.
--- Bluebird TP9807

Caramoja's a Ugandan clan,
Where each and every young man,
Ties weights to his dong
And tries to elong-
Ate it. "Hung to the knee" is the plan.
--- Anon

I think that you've got it all wrong ...
I wouldn't tie weights to MY dong!
It stretches just great
Without any weight,
And I hold it all up with a thong.
--- Anon

There once was a boy from Hong Kong,
Who'd a dong fourteen inches long.
Yes, it's hard to believe,
He was hung to his knee,
And he named it "What-a-ding What-a-dong!"
--- Anon

Yes, the women had fits there, of sorts,
When it would hang out from under his shorts.
He impressed all their twats,
When he tied it in knots,
And plumbed in-and-out of their ports.
--- Anon

There was a young man from Tashkent,
Whose dick was so long that he sent
It down through the floor
To find the Earth's core,
While searching for oil as it went.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The news went for Aix unto Ghent,
About this remarkable gent.
At Christmas they went
For to measure its length
And were less than halfway during Lent.
--- Tiddy Ogg

If there were just twelve inches more,
Good God! Wouldn't that make you sore?
Is that twelve in two sixes,
Or some sort of mixes?
Do you think you are up to the chore?
--- John Miller

Today, twice, and twelve inches coming?
I'd think that would plug up your plumbing.
And ruin your back
Or cause heart attack...
Is that Frosty the Snowman you're humming?
--- John Miller

A well-endowed blind man named Zane,
As a traveller, was cocky and vain.
While walking along,
He'd whip out his schlong,
As it made quite a memorable cane.
--- David Goldfield

At last, though, he had to refrain;
The thing once got stuck in a drain,
And also the dog
Would piss on his log,
And cleaning their shit was a pain.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This is file tyl

To his dog, his wank he would tether.
Then one day in bitter cold weather,
The pooch yanked to break free,
Now he's hung to his knee,
With a needle dick of old leather.
--- Goin2later

Stormy night at the royal palace:
When the Queen, in a moment of malice,
Filled her cunt up with acid
And lay there quite placid,
Dissolving His Majesty's phallus.
--- G2042

Did you hear about Tommy O'Shea?
He went for a roll in the hay
With the little old lady
Of Seamus O'Grady;
They just found his penis today.
--- Anon

There was a young man of St. Paul's,
Who dreamt of Niagara Falls.
When he woke the next day,
It was "Anchors Aweigh"
For his penis, his ass, and his balls.
--- G2049

The bride said, "I'll love you forever,
Though your dick, the doc had to sever.
Instead of your dong,
Please hon, use your tongue;
It's better to be ate than never."
--- Anon

A careless young coot named Magee
Said, "The things that can happen to me!
I left my girl shocker
In a bus station locker,
And now I have lost the damn key!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 332

I just found out I was defamed;
My statue is now severely maimed.
As you can now see
That I cannot pee;
'Cause my penis is gone, they exclaimed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An anatomy student at Yale
Sliced off many a cadaverous tail.
Carefully pickling each clyde
In formaldehyde,
He discovered they have little sale.
--- Grand Prix Lim 297 G1519

Oh woe! Oh disaster! Oh dear!
Oh my Petal, I fear that my spear
Has dropped off in the night
And has rolled out of sight;
Will you help me to search for it, dear?
--- Peter Wilkins

Oh hang on, I think I have found it
By crawling around on the ground; it
Appears to be fine
And I'm sure that it's mine;
There's a circle of lipstick around it.
--- Peter Wilkins

Hand it over and let me inspect
This member so sad and abject.
We'll sew it back on,
Your little bon-bon,
But I fear it will not resurrect.
--- TuttaGioia

Oh Petal! Disaster! Come quick!
Reassure me it's really my wick;
It appears to be used
And abused for it's bruised
And looks limp and bedraggled and sick!
--- Peter Wilkins

There was an old man of Duluth,
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
--- L0290

There once was a drunkard named Lee
Who had to go outside to pee.
As he undid his zipper
He started to whimper --
Because down there, there was nothing to see.

(Happens to lots of men when temp is below zero - McW)
--- Sean Geddes P8407

Said a soldier, just back from Viet,
To his sweetheart: "Be patient, my pet.
I will fondle your breast
And your twat without rest,
But my pecker I left with the Tet."

(The North Vietnamese Tet offensive)
--- G2062

I once had a neat little gun
(All the men in our unit had one);
Not gunmetal-blue,
More a flesh-colored hue,
But 'twas lost during fun with the Hun.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8406

A lad who is no longer whole,
Once pissed up a telephone pole.
The megawatt shock
Just inverted his cock,
Now he's female; So isn't that droll?
--- Anon

The guy may not have all his parts
But his lack of feminine arts
Will give him away
In less than a day,
'Cause he's good as Hell at those farts.
--- Anon

That poor fellas dick is no more;
He should have just pissed on the floor,
Or put on the squeeze.
I guess it proves he's
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
--- Anon

There once was a young man named Enus,
Who had two balls but no penis.
A eunuch he wed
And in bed he said,
"We have a complete set between us."
--- Kivi

Our streetsweeper, Terence McDoul,
Last Tuesday swept up a big tool...
He said, "It looked fine
And far bigger than mine,
But with its owner gone, it was cool."
--- Grand Prix Lim 967

A man who thought he was a genius,
Couldn't tell a light bulb from his penis.
When his old light bulb blew,
And he changed in the new,
He was changed from a Mars to a Venus!
--- Joe Long

I rubbed up this powerful genie,
Taking care to avoid his green weenie...
But touch it I did
And he blew his lid.
Now mine's disappeared, that big meanie!
--- Marty TP9807

A lusty young sailor from Austin,
His amourous adventures, they cost him.
One day in a pinch,
He put his in a wench,
And with a gust of wind, he lost them.
--- Anon

Never brag 'bout the size of your dick,
Cause the Grim Reaper's scythe can be quick.
With one mighty thump,
He'll leave you a stump,
Then how will you find you a chick?
--- Anon

A eunuch from China named Wong
Departed to visit Hong Kong.
The girls tried to please;
They teased with a squeeze.
It's sad he was there with no dong.
--- Julia Strawn P8709

There was a poor rider named Billy
Who, racing a skittish young filly,
Was thrown in the gorse
And stomped by the horse;
It cost him his 'membrum virile'.
--- Armand E Singer 278

We were took by our teacher, Miss Beeham,
To see statues in the British Museum.
We girls were in fits
'Cause the interesting bits
Of the boys were broke off--you should see 'em!
--- G1990

After lunch the old Duchess of Teck,
Observed, "If you'll listen one sec.,
We've found a man's tool
In the small swimming pool,
So would all of you gentlemen check?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 768 G2005

There was a young man from far Rockaway,
Who could diddle a broad from a block away.
Once while taking a fuck,
Along came a truck,
And knocked both his balls and his cock away.
--- L1162

One night I was fucking this chick
And her pussy clamped shut on my dick.
I pulled with such force,
It came off, of course.
Now to pee, the scab I must pick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young man from Aberystwyth,
Who bought a new record to twist with.
While reading the label,
He tripped over a cable
And knocked off the thing that he pissed with!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young man in Havana,
Fucked a girl on a player piano.
At the height of their fever,
Her ass hit the lever,
Yes, He has no banana!
--- L1171