I looked in my wallet and spied
A lone dollar bill and I cried.
"I've only a buck
To buy a good fuck."
She agreed but to one inch inside.
--- lilsil2

I nodded, and not to be crass,
We commenced in to fuck on the grass.
When along came this guy
His own luck to try,
And accidentally steps on my ass.
--- lilsil2

Till then I was doing just fine,
But this joker was no friend of mine.
Though I don't mean to brag,
After fucking this skag,
My bill came to nine, ninety-nine.
--- lilsil2

So tell us, does size really matter?
Would you rather it longer, or fatter?
You know one size fits all
When you're having a ball,
So enjoy what I have, and be gladder.
--- Younger Brother

A daring young doctor named Edison,
Decided old standards to jettison.
He measured men's tools
By linguistical rules,
And established new canons of medicine.

(canon - general rule)
--- G0321

So tell us, does size really matter?
It might if erect on a ladder.
Should you happen to cough,
It could push you right off,
And your manhood could very well shatter!
--- Doug from Upland T9707

Remarked a hot dolly named Jewel,
"What I want is a real fuckin' fool!
A big-muscled boy
Is a visual joy,
But I want the fool with the tool!"
--- G0370

There is an old virgin named Peaches
Who's fearless in all that she preaches;
In church and in school,
The masculine tool
Gets what for in each of her speeches.
--- Armand E Singer 438

There was a professor named Straw
Who gave all his tests in the raw.
Already neurotic,
He waxed psychotic,
When students graded "F" what they saw!
--- Anon

A hermit out west of Ayer's Rock
Was famed for the hue of his cock.
People came in all weathers
To see its blue feathers.
It died of the roup, or a shock.

(roup - hoarse shouting)
--- Robust Ribald Rude P9703

I doubt that Mahatma Gandhi
Had a dong one could call "a dandy."
But I'll bet it felt neat
Beneath that loose sheet,
And for taking a leak, was quite handy.
--- Ann Gasser P9003

It's a popular pastime of late
To name pricks after some head of state.
There's John Major (for cute pricks)
And Old Castro (hirsute pricks).
My own, I call Peter the Great.

(Sitting Bull if its red, Adolf if it's dead)
--- Michael W P9505

F.D.R. for the limp, Hindenburg for a blimp,
A Solomon's wise, while a Clinton just lies,
After rough rides, a Teddy, Turns Benito (spaghetti),
A Kennedy's thick, A Nixon is slick,
If it's regal and classy, It's a Haile Selassie.
--- Michael W

You want to know what size my knob's;
I think that you're all penile snobs.
It's not what you've got,
You foolish young twat,
It just how you use it on jobs.
--- Archie

Now that we all agree,
There's one small favour we need.
We want you to measure
Your wands of pleasure,
And report your numbers back to me.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

My thoughts have now turned to a few
Years past, when pretty young shrew
Took hold of my cock
While guarding the flock,
And bellowed, "You're hung to the ewe!"
--- Anon

Call a rose something else -- take your pick --
It still smells as sweet; there's no trick.
I can't help but ponder
If girls would be fonder
Of Joe if his first name were Dick.
--- Joe Long

I've told you again and again,
Most women find it a pain.
A beautiful sight --
But night after night,
Sex is an act of the brain.
--- H Welchel

The debate which concerned the new hobbyist
Was on which animal penis was knobbiest.
When caught in this study,
His face turned quite ruddy:
"It's not for my work, I'm a lobbyist!"
--- Actaeon

When a man brags he's hung like a giraffe,
Well then, girls, it's considered a gaffe,
If you eagerly glance
At his meagerly lance,
And then let loose a gut-wrenching laugh!
--- Observer

In this group, confession's no sin;
Pray tell us, please, what did you win?
Did the judge base on strength
Or was it the length,
Or how far you could push it in.
--- James

It was based on the big universe
And I tell you, it couldn't be worse.
We coated in batter,
For size doesn't matter,
And it arose up in pure verse.
--- BORG

The rumors of my genital size
Are baseless, untrue and crass lies.
To end this odd strife,
Just look at my wife,
And the sparkling light in her eyes.
--- Tim Main

It's true that this sparkle contends
With these claims, but it really depends--
Credits where credit's due,
Is the sparkle from you,
Or the postman and several close friends?
--- Richard Lancashire

Just whenever I hear a guy say
"Why's it girls have legs?" my mind will stray
To another old joke
"Why's a dong on a bloke?
It's a handle to throw him away."
--- Ulla

Perhaps this explains an old term
About using her hand to get sperm
Out of someone's dick,
When of fucking she's sick;
displayg-off" 'stead of "Holding the worm."
--- Gearhart

I only state women will deride
The body part most men hide
In their pants,
Because at a glance,
Can't tell if it's long or it's wide.
--- Marlene Lewis

Basicly three types I've seen:
(1) a dong like a long skinny bean,
(2) a dick short and stout;
Don't leave number (3) out:
Thick and long, seldom found, rarely seen.
--- Anon

The subject you guessed is a rocket,
Not engines or wheels or a sprocket,
But that mighty missile
That is mostly gristle;
The kind that we feel from our pocket.
--- Anon

There was a young bloke from Australia,
Whose willy smelt just like a dahlia;
So fragrant a bloom,
It freshened the room,
But his sex life was just complete failure!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

It stands stiff when there's no one to stick
Or to lovingly give it a lick
And then when she's itchy
It's soft and untwitchy--
Small wonder they call it a prick.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9307a

There was a young lass from Ashtabula
Who spent a night in the village cooler
For betting a Judge
A half pound of fudge
Twice his length wouldn't cover a ruler.
--- G0240

While we are speaking of a jewel,
Remember the general rule:
It's the workman's skill
That gives her the thrill,
And not just the size of his tool!
--- Kaylin

This is file til

A well-bred young girl of Gomorrah
Would never let any man bore her:
Neither back nor in front, (She thought it lewd)
Not in mouth nor in cunt, (The way men screwed,)
And she viewed their stiff pricks with horror.
--- G1558

Said a professional gal from Manhattan:
""Concerning this business of cattin',
If I had my picks
Of the world's finest pricks,
I'd take neither this'n nor that'n.
--- G1832

Your Peter, I think's, oversexed;
So his absence leaves you sorely vexed.
But I think you'd feel fine
If you'd substitute mine,
'Cause one Peter's much like the next.
--- Anon

There once was a girl named Ludmilla,
Who had an affair with a driller.
At the sight of his oil,
It would make her blood boil,
For only his bit could fulfill her.
--- Graham Miles

I bragged of its size as I drank;
This tool, this whang, this shank.
But my sweetie, named Beulah,
Pulled out a long ruler,
But just at that moment, I shrank!
--- Al Willis T9707

Royalty's perks aren't all silly.
But some think it's gilding the lilly,
When they line up the studs
Who pull out their puds
And each Princess may then Piccadilly.
--- Theo Heller P9212

Embarrassed I am of my weakness,
Of my pitiful wimpy-assed geekness.
Even so, I must brag,
If my dick were a nag,
'Twould be 'Pole Position' at Preakness.
--- John Chastaine

Said a cynical doxy named Wimple,
"To classify clients is simple.
You can tell at a glance
When he pulls off his pants,
If a man's got a prick, or a pimple."
--- G0490

"I think that my boyfriend from Limerick,
On the whole had a longer and slimmer wick.
But yours, dear, is thicker,
And slick past the knicker--
As a sticker far quicker and trimmer, Dick."
--- G2706

A penis, if given the chance,
In the constant search for romance,
His master's career
Would be ruined, I fear,
If he lived in the president's pants.
--- Phil T

While approaching Runway-22.
The pilot announced to the crew,
Better hold tight --
"It's a short one, all right!"
Said the stewardess, "Widest one too!"
--- Friar T9801

A sailor, with girls in each dock,
Continuously saw to his flock;
They awaited his call,
Because one and all
Knew his was the best shuttle cock.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8308

We know you're in love with your dick,
And we've heard that it's long and it's thick.
But bloody hell, son,
The topic is done!
I'm afraid we're all sick of your prick.
--- Jason

"No need to get nervous, O'Toole.
I just wanted to measure your tool."
"When measuring software,
A yardstick isn't fair.
You should start with a small six-inch rule."
--- Al Willis T9711

There once was a man, Richard Dick,
Who had a very small prick.
He said, "Damn you eyes!
This beast grows in size!"
Who'd believe such ridiculous schtick?
--- Marilyn

I asked him to demonstrate, please.
He said "I can prove it with ease.
Just lose your scanties;
Get out of those panties,
And I'll go get a tube of goose grease."
--- Marilyn

I couldn't imagine what for,
Till he tripped and he fell on the floor.
His trousers popped open
While I was agropin'
To see if that cock had grown more.
--- Marilyn

It still wasn't excessively large,
Nor up to its sexual charge.
He told me to hold it;
Lovingly enfold it;
And it grew quite as big as a barge!
--- Marilyn

"So what do we do with it now?"
I asked with a big puzzled brow.
He said, "Now it's found
I'll use it to pound
That furrow I'm waiting to plow.
--- Marilyn

So I kicked the fool out in fear,
If he thinks he can use it in here.
He's another think coming,
Just take that thing slumming,
While I wait for that giant John Deere!
--- Marilyn

As I get off with riding his tractor,
Consider the following factor:
It's not just the size
Of what's 'twixt your thighs,
'Tis the power of your anatomic reactor!
--- Marilyn

Ms L, will you come over here?
I'll show you my mid-sized John Deere.
This novel fellow,
(Green trimmed with yellow)
Sure causes most ladies to leer.
--- Frank Fazed

A tractor? Why you'd not let me know?
I've a front and backyard to mow.
Could you come over
And cut the clover?
Midsized, that should be quite a beau!
--- Petunia

My green John Deere tractor's for rent,
But if to your lawn it is sent,
There's nothing to gain
As long as there's rain.
You might have to put up a tent.
--- Frank Fazed

Petunia, you oversexed flower,
My tractor will not trim your bower.
'Twas in the tall grass
That I ran out of gas.
I think I'll just take a cold shower.
--- Frank Fazed

It's not that I wanted to run;
I'd sure like a bit of sex fun.
I looked through the glass,
Thought, "I'll save my ass.
That fellow is loading a gun."
--- Frank Fazed

The lady that dated young Mick
Was depressed by his shortness of stick.
But it grew to such size,
That she screamed in surprise,
"Just look at the size of that P R I C K !"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0544a

There once was a young Kappa Sig,
Who excelled in statistics and trig.
With equations devised,
Frat brothers were sized,
Being scaled from real small to quite big.
--- Bob Birch

I once met this girl from Nantucket;
My rod from my pants she did pluck it.
With tears in her eyes,
She said of its size,
'Twould be like dangling string in a bucket.
--- Bob Hunt z

Said the lady to all of her men,
"I've rated you all one to ten.
Not inches, but points,
So the size of your joints
Doesn't matter." Oh really? Since when?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The old crocidile sampled his tool
As he lay on his back in the pool.
And he spat and said, "My
But I taste rather high.
Am I flavored like this as a rule?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 609 G0913

Unravelling Timothy's foreskin,
(An acre or two of yet more skin)
Young Debbie said, "Yuck;
No I don't think we'll fuck,
But I thank you, dear Timmy, for orskin'."
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was a priest named O'Reilly,
Who had a penis he liked to call Smiley.
He said, "A smile is a frown
'Til you turn upside down."
And the altar boys all agreed highly.
--- Anon