An inventive young lad from Kircudbright (Kercoobry)
Spread blackberry jam on his doobry.
Said his girl "When extended
It really looks splendid,
But it tastes rather better with blueberry!"
--- George C

The Ogg couple likes ketchup hot,
They put it on all that they've got.
Says Erm, "Some Delmonte
On Tiddy's full Monty
Add spice to his crispy old knot."
--- Travis Brasell

"To flavor our sexual stunts,"
Says Tiddy, "We also use Hunts,
Because it's so thick,
It lasts when I lick
Both Ermintrude and my sheeps' cunts."
--- Travis Brasell

There was a young man from Tokay,
Whose dick had a lovely bouquet.
According to Nell,
Who knows him quite well,
It's just like a chocolate chip couquet.
--- Anon

There was a young pervert named Hicks,
Who pounded his penis with bricks;
A fellow named Utne
Dipped his in hot chutney
(The things today's youth do for kicks!).
--- Armand E Singer 945

A limericking mister named Rusty
Will never let his pole get dusty.
He dips it in dew
(I heard that it's true)
To not have it smell at all musty.
--- Anon

Along came a femaler lim-
Er with a heavily fragranted quim.
Said "Dear Mr Smif,
May I take a whiff?
'Twill give me some vigor and vim!"
--- Anon

No, I will not dip my wick
In tabasco; it won't do the trick.
Will you please keep that chilli
Away from my willy;
The thought of it's making me sick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I once knew a fellow from Boston,
Who covered his pecker with frostin'.
When the whore took a lick
From the end of his dick,
He wondered how much is was costin'.
--- Mike Hunter

Your todger is sweet -- that is true,
But I won't cut my prices for you.
I cannot deduct
On a lick or a suck
Just because it's all covered with goo.
--- Mike Hunter

There was a young master from Kent
Whose dick had a heavenly scent.
For the musk, girls would rub it;
Then they would snub it,
And run off with a spanking new gent.
--- Anon

A bartender at the Club Cheetah
Had salted the head of his "peetah."
A waitress named Sheila
Poured lime and tequila,
And gulped quite a stiff margarita.
--- David Miller

So when I've recovered enough
From the mustard and other hot stuff,
(Since you asked for dessert)
I intend to insert
What is left of my wurst in your muff.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a chef known as Haughton
Whose dick was all cheesy and rotten.
With butter he spread it
And next he would bread it,
Then serve up his penis au gratin.
--- David Miller

The rapist began to luxuriate
In the trial, though it seemed to infuriate
Both the lawyer and judge,
But his prick was pure fudge.
Can you guess, little girl, what the jury ate?
--- G2407

There once was a man from Topeka,
Who sprinkled his dick with paprika.
The next girl he plowed
Was sceaming so loud,
They heard her in old Tanganyika.
--- David Miller

An Imam in old Istanbul
Said, "Really, I'm nobody's fool.
I pray five times daily,
Give alms almost gaily,
And slather hot myrrh on my tool.
--- Norm Storer P9606

A frustrated fairy named Barret
Has a whang that resembles a carrot;
To enhance its appeal
As a phallical meal,
He must frequently soak it in claret.
--- Norm Storer

There once was a man in Manila
Who lived with five girls in a villa.
When they went to bed,
They loved giving head,
'Cause he'd soak it all day in vanilla.
--- Richard Long

Mine has it's flavor unique;
Want to see it? Come on, take a peek.
I guarantee
It's all yours for free.
Be careful 'cause sometimes it'll leak.
--- Anon

A drunken old boozer named Dick
Once drank till he pickled his prick.
His friends cannot wait,
Their fervor to sate,
Because they get high when they trick.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

At stroke twenty-two, he let her,
And it stood much taller and wetter.
With some soda applied
To the tip, and each side,
For with Coke, such things always go better!
--- Rowdy Jack

A farmer named Peter O'Pardon
Got his creaky old boner to harden,
Then he chased away crows,
While he ran through the rows,
As he waved it about in his garden.
--- Cap'n Bean P0309

There was a young fellow called Merkin,
Who for an embalmer was working.
He injected his pride
With formaldehyde,
So preserving his gherkin for jerkin'.
--- Prof

An impotent prisoner named Dow
Got a penile implant somehow.
This brand new prosthesis,
It pumps and it squeezes;
He's a mean, hardened criminal now.
--- Thomas Patton P9601

There once was a fellow named Peel
Whose penis was made out of steel;
As a truly stiff cock,
It was hard as a rock,
And provided enormous appeal.
--- Cap'n Bean P0103

There once was a chemist named Alec,
Who plated his dick pure metallic.
His bright shiny cock
Was hard as a rock,
And its chemical symbol was Ph(allic).
--- David Miller

To the aid of those impotent rummies,
Whose tools dangle under their tummies,
Came a genius named Gardner
Who devised such a hardener,
It erects even long-deceased mummies.
--- G0438

To Lourdes went a fellow named Jock;
He was dying of cancer and shock.
There the sweet Virgin Mary
Cured his problems contrary,
So he asked for a bone in his cock.
--- Albin Chaplin

My percy still hangs here intact;
It's really not hanging, in fact.
Something's begun;
It points up to the sun;
It must have been stroking it lacked!
--- Anon

Whenever my digit is flagging,
And down to my ankles it's dragging,
I think a wee thought o'
My neighbour's young daughter,
And (wow man!) it's ready for shagging.
--- Anon

There once was this guy in North Pismo,
Who could not rely on his gizmo.
At last tried an implant--
And now with his new slant,
The Tall Girls line up for a dismo.
--- Griffa Barret

There once was a farmgirl named Mabel
Who at milking was not very able.
To get over her fright
She'd practice at night
With peckers under the table.
--- Asher

This is file sjl

It's hangin' straight off to the right;
That's how I've been sleeping all night.
Since I hit my forties
This damn rigor mortis
Has made all my women take flight.
--- Anon

It's rumors, then, what I had heard --
You're with rigor mortis preferred
By all of the chicks,
Who like those stiff dicks.
'Cause you send 'em soaring like birds?
--- Anon

Been talkin' to someone I know --
Who gave an account, blow-by-blow.
Yes, my claim to fame
Was making some dame,
This country's first migrating crow.
--- SFA

Your underwear, that would be right.
I hear that you wear them so tight,
There's plenty of room
To float, soar, and zoom,
And you never put up a fight.
--- Marlene Lewis

If you whisper the right words lightly,
My jeans will bunch up now so tightly
Around my big pole
In search of a hole;
That's feminine-pink to excite me.
--- Anon

An impotent fellow named Condrey
Sent his flabby old cock to the laundry.
They returned it in March,
Straight and stiffened with starch;
How to wear his pants now is his quandary.
--- G0298

There once was a mason named Brent --
Had a boner wherever he went.
It was hardened you see,
From his drinking of tea,
Which he brewed with a dash of cement.
--- Cap'n Bean

The penis of Andrew J Whitehead
Was getting unduly excited.
For willy or nilly,
The sight of yon filly
Caused lust till it almost ignited.
--- Armand Singer

I've velcroed my splints back in place
They're gray ones that match, in this case.
I now have one spare
And thought I would share --
Who else needs a cock-up type brace?
--- Anon

An impotent old man named McCondrey
Sent his limber old thing to the laundry.
They returned it with starch;
Man, now he can march...
But how to wear pants is a quandary!
--- Grand Prix Lim 271

There was an old person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer.
When he found it grew stiff,
He said, "Oh what if
I could get it to work on my boner!"
--- Edwardian Leer 071 P9306

What hardens the place where you piddle?
Allow me some tries at this riddle:
Hemmorhoidal red ass?
Corpse bloated with gas?
A cactus plant right up the middle?
--- John Miller

There was a young fellow named Schwartz
Who was hounded by girls of all sorts.
He tickled them good
(Like no other brand could)
For his penis was studded with warts.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0446

There was an old man from Pyongyang,
Who had an aluminum wang.
He had two tin nuts
That came with his putz,
And when his dong hit them, they rang.
--- Phil Jeux

An inquisitive lady named Milly
Said, "Do all men shake dew off their lily?"
She asked this of Joe
Who answered, "Hell no!
King Midas did not. Don't be silly."
--- Michael Weinstein P8606

"I'll lose all these crabs," said young Smirnoff,
"With friction; I'm sure they will burn off."
He covered his gland
With glue and rough sand,
But girlies all found it a turn off.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Remember that man from Nantucket?
He saved all his change in a bucket
Then bought a machine
To keep his tool clean
But sometimes he still likes to suck it!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

It can be so terribly sad
When splinters from wood can be had.
I recommmend some sandpaper
To smoothen your taper,
Then it would not be so bad.
--- Petunia

Now there's an idea not bad;
I stroked with sandpaper I had.
With sandpaper trimmin'
You never need women,
But it does get smaller -- EGAD!
--- Frank Fazed

It sounds like an interesting caper;
You would be a clever wood shaper.
You could shape it to fit
But don't abuse it...
I beg you, don't use the sandpaper.
--- Petunia

I'm sorry and I did not mean it,
When I said "Your cock's sized like a peanut!"
And right now I figure
I can make it bigger,
If you'll only let me Vaseline it.
--- Ward Hardman

A chef in New York name of Davey,
Covered his penis in gravy.
But when the stuff dried,
He was fit to be tied.
'Cause now when he's hard the thing's wavy.
--- Anon

You may think this a terrible plight.
But let me say this, you're not right.
Cause a dick that is wavey
From dried-on brown gravy,
Gives women some extra delight.
--- Anon

You can shake, you can jiggle, or dance,
But the last drop will moisten your pants,
Unless you use tissue
Of whatever issue,
To wipe off the end of your lance.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young fellow of Crete
Whose ways were exceedingly neat.
He'd the daintiest trick
Of wiping his prick,
And the ladies all murmured, "How sweet!"
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young fellow named Breed,
Who paid to his prick little heed.
Though not overly small
Nor monstrous withal,
It served him well when there was need.
--- A N Wilkins P8601

"I have the world's biggest tool,"
Boasted Dick, making sweet April drool.
But then he undressed--
'Twas a calendar jest;
He'd just made, of sweet April, a fool!
--- CB

My bald friend wears a turtleneck
And comes out when he wants to feck.
In my trousers you'll find 'im;
An asshole's behind 'im.
A quandry to which he shrugs, "What the heck!"
--- Anon

There once was a coed from Penn,
Who went around grading the men.
She told at a glance
By eyeing their pants
Iff they were a one or a ten.
--- David Miller

The banana that has the appeal
Is not yellow or green, you schiemiel!
It's the purplish-pink kind --
The grow-and-then-shrink kind --
Not so much for its taste as its feel.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8505

Shy lady, I'd never unveil
The thing that marks me a male;
I consign to perdition
Any gross exhibition;
I much prefer readings in braille!
--- Anon

You see, in our chorus line,
We're aiming for aesthetic design.
So the size and the shape
And the length and the drape,
Are factors we have to align.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Another young lady from Leicester
Invented a cock-hardness tester.
And with this device,
She'd judge which were nice,
And then let those fellows molest her.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A hooker I happened to seek,
When asked of her prices, did speak:
"A dollar an inch."
The price made me flinch,
As I hadn't been paid in a week.
--- Irish