Sold my girlfriend to Mustapha Shag
'Cause he fancied the ugly old hag.
In exchange I got for-
ty four camels or more,
But I fear they're becoming a drag.
--- Peter Wilkins

For they're constantly snorting and dumping,
And shreiking and grunting and humping;
The noise and the smell
Of them's causing me hell
And my head is a-pounding and thumping.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm having to keep them indoors,
'Cause the courts say my neighbors have cause
To complain and the judge
From his verdict won't budge,
For my camels break neighborhood laws.
--- Peter Wilkins

So I'm looking to swap sixty-four
Randy camels (they're breeding for sure)
For a wrinkled old bat
You've got tired of and that
Could be girlfriend or sister-in-law.
--- Peter Wilkins

Whatever she looks like, I bet
She'll be worth all the camels you'll get
From me...Shit! There's another
(From Emma, a mother)
Now that one would make a good pet.
--- Peter Wilkins

Come on now, these camels make (Bump!)
Really nice friendly pets, you know. (Thump!)
For God's sake, I'll pay
You to take them away
And I'll...Humphery! Get out of here! (Hump!)
--- Peter Wilkins

It always seems a great pity
Camels were invented by Committee;
Because they're all humpity,
They go bumpity, bumpity
And their smell is decidedly shitty.
--- Aplich

There once was a fellow named Smitty,
Who went to a Middle East city.
He rode on a camel,
A most lumpy mammal
Designed by Congressional Committee.
--- Popsicle TP9807

Now God was desiigned a mammal,
With beauty and grace without trammel,
By computer, of course,
The genetics said "horse",
But the disk crashed and out came a camel.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

Chloe the camel was grumpy,
'Cause her back was becoming lumpy.
Chloe's diagnosis
Was osteoporosis;
She was getting a dowager's humpy.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305a

Returned from your wanderings east
And wary of that big humped beast,
'Tis good to be chary
Of a stray dromedary,
On which we barbarians feast.
--- Anon

A sturdy young fellow was Mack;
His camel with straw he did pack.
As he placed the last straw,
It fell on his jaw,
And he broke every bone in his back.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2681

"I talk," claimed a linguist named Hamill,
"With every species of mammal."
When asked for a reference,
He said, "What's your preference?
My mother-in-law or my camel?"
--- Graham Lester

From others I'll come to no harm. A
Small problem though; Freddie the farma
Is threatening to shoot
Me for tooting my flute,
At his favorite cuddlesome llama.
--- Anon

A herd of Peruvian llamas,
Studied history in their pajamas.
They read of Pizarro
Who was shot with an arrow,
And died of multiple traumas.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305

The Council of old Basra city
Was sequestered for months, more's the pity.
But within a fortnight
They'd surmounted their plight:
The camel was made by committee.
--- Arthur Deex P8407

An Arab whose name was Omar
Kept a camel instead of a car.
He filled up at oases
And othere such places;
More miles to the gallon by far.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The camel's one ungainly beast,
It's the crudest, to just say the least.
When kneeling he moans,
And rising he groans.
Perhaps his joints ought to be greased.
--- TARqc19 P0312

There once was a camel named Grump,
Who was known for his gigantic hump;
But I just heard a rumor;
He's developed a tumor,
After surgury, he'll just have a bump!
--- Nuffin

A camel who had two humps
Thought that he had the mumps.
A doctor named Murray
Said, "Camel, don't worry,
They're not mumps, they're lumps caused by thumps.
--- Spike Milligan

Selling camels, of course, is not new
In the market at old Timbuktu.
As he had some for years,
When the salesman appears,
He asks you first, "One lump or two?"
--- A N Wilkins P8407

To his camel, said Arab Abdu,
"Take this straw and this drink -- it's for you."
Said the camel, "Hack,
This straw broke my back,
So I think I will break it in two."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2409

A stupid, old camel called "Blinking"
Came out like a desert ship sinking,
When loaded and packed
To be watered and whacked,
As it drowned in the bucket when drinking.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309

The camel, with two humps or one,
Is built to withstand sand and sun.
I don't know about you,
But re humps, I like two.
To fall off is really no fun.
--- Sam Chen

A dashing romantic vicuna
Fell in love with a fifty-pound tuna.
At a neighborhood gym
He was soon taught to swim,
And in no time at all he was scruna.
--- Anon

There's a nomad, who roams near the Nile,
With a notably contrary style;
Illustrations abound,
But the best, I have found,
Is the camel he walks for a mile.

(I'd walk a mile for a Camel - old 1940's ad campaign)
--- Thomas A Quinine P8407

We know of a camel named Joe;
On his back, two large humps do grow.
Joe drinks until
Those big humps fill;
When Joe's gotta go, he REALLY's gotta go.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

Nine doctors told poll-taker West
That Camels for them were the best.
The tenth doctor benign,
"Though camels are fine,
Yet I still feel that women are best."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I once had a puppy named Ranger,
Who once ate the Christmas Manger.
And one angel's wings
And two of the kings,
Before he knew Mom was a danger.
--- Diane Christian

Good Sir, if you find these right,
This young pup would cause much delight.
Not too distant a day,
It is possible, say --
With practice his bark will have bite.
--- Gunjan Saraf

Our small kids and our pups had a sitter;
On occasion the smallest pup bit her.
Since she wasn't a bone,
She would never condone
The brash stunt by the runt of the litter.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

This moron that comes in small boxes:
The way that he gets off his rocks is
No reason to die;
But you'd hear more outcry
If he did it in young British foxes.
--- Q

The yelp of the bitch on the phone,
Complaining she's home all alone;
It wasn't too hard
To find her backyard,
To sniff and to bury my bone.
--- SFA

This is file lxk

I waggingly try to be pleasant,
To human and cat, fish and pheasant.
So when Al told me twice,
I took his advice,
And I left Mr Bush a big "present."
--- Kevin Wickart

I once had a dog, we called Rex,
The randy old sod liked his sex.
'Til one day we'd enough
Of bitches up the duff,
That we had him sorted 'below decks'.
--- Cerberus

My old dog's nose was flattened and marked;
He made strange little sounds when he barked.
It sounded like chokin';
His teeth were all broken;
He only chased cars that were parked!
--- Observer

A puppy whose hair was so flowing,
There really was no way of knowing
Which end was his head,
Once stopped me and said,
"Please, sir, am I coming or going?"
--- Oliver Herford

The pompous old Duchess Moncrieff
Perturbed with her pious belief,
Went out for a walk
With her dog, round the block,
And she covered his cock with a leaf.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2195

I've taught my dogs well and they knows
Not to piddle on pavements or toes.
They fart in their sleep,
But don't frighten the sheep,
And deserve their rosettes and their bows.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Isabelle Dinoire's a really sad case,
'Cause when she went home to her place,
And opened the door,
Her dog bit her once more,
'Cause it did not recognise her new face.
--- Anon

There once was a dog in a manger
Who showed all his teeth at a stranger.
But living on hay,
He soon passed away,
Removing himself and the danger.
--- Limber P8307

My dog is a pain in the ass;
He likes to do shits in the grass.
He humps peoples legs
And constantly begs.
I'm hoping this phase will soon pass!
--- Jayne

An animal trainer, Miss Lee,
Taught her doggie to speak fluently.
Her boyfriend, who missed her,
Paid a visit and kissed her,
And her doggie said, "What about me?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2669

There was a blind man known as Kirk,
Whose company had a nice perk.
A free bungee jump day,
Which he loved, I must say.
But his dog went completely berserk!
--- Friar TP9901

The canine clan isn't too fussy:
The females can act downright hussy.
Some will stay chaste,
And the rest will be chased.
In the end, doggies get the best pussy.
--- Actaeon

A canine companion, by far,
Makes believe that the master you are.
And in manner smart
Will capture your heart.
Then train you, while you think you're the czar.
--- Chris Papa

John's watched Rintintin at the flicks;
Now he's teaching his old dog new tricks.
It's been a hard slog,
But Miller's old dog
Can now borrow the car to fetch sticks.
--- David Miller

Here's Constable Jonathan Groat
With his sniffer dog, glossy of coat.
"Go sniff out the trash,"
He said, "dealing in hash."
At which Rover jumped up at his thoat.
--- Anon

The old dog is a sight in repose;
Sniffs his crap of the day with his nose.
Has no sense, he is dense,
Stays locked 'hind the fence,
And at night he humps the garden hose.
--- Anon

There was a young girl of Calais
Who had seven dogs to display.
All their names were unique --
After days of the week,
And she said every dog had his day.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8307

There was an old codger named Fletcher,
Whose dog was a pretty good fetcher.
It ran out the door
And fetched him a whore,
And said, "Here you are, you old lecher."
--- Alsop P8304

When two-liter drinks cost a dollar,
I bought one and thought I would holler;
When I looked inside
I laughed till I cried,
For there was a jeweled dog collar!
--- Anon

And the feverish dog of Moldova
Who slavered all over the sofa;
His condition was such
That he drooled long and much,
When he savoured fresh Guava Pavlova.
--- Anon

Chasing cars was the joy of our fat dog;
All the neighbors said, "Watch out for that dog!"
Try to keep him confined;
He may be struck behind,
And your fat dog will wind up a flat dog."
--- Ida R Percoco P0501

I'm the world's cutest pup.
My worldview is happy and up.
My tail wags like crazy,
I sleep when I'm lazy.
And if offered a bone, I say "Yup!"
--- Anon

A proud little doggie named Horace,
Came to town in a bright yellow Taurus.
To the townsfolk he stated
"All cats here are hated,
Including that rich windbag Morris."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I told my dog Bonzo, "Come hither."
But Bonzo the bugger, went thither.
The sound of my zither
Made Bonzo dog dither,
Twixt hither and thither and whither.
--- Peter Wilkins

A hound dog said to his bitch,
"I have to eat and I'm not very rich.
I'm hungry and gaunt."
"Well, what do you want?"
"A nice big hot-people sandwich."
--- Ed Wolfert P8307

To learn from your pet is just fine.
But at one thing we do draw the line.
When people are meeting,
We shun the dog greeting:
"Your butt smell good. How is mine?"
--- Jim Loy

My dog wanted some sort of treat,
But I was just fresh out of meat.
With leftover chops
His whimpering stops;
I told the mutt, "Bone appetit"
--- Anon

While the bones of the body are numerous,
The most interesting one is the humerus;
For the laughing hyena
Is decidedly meaner
When his humerus tends to be rheumerous.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

My puppy has learned how to sit,
And the cat he has learned to outwit.
He can shake and can heel.
But I wonder when he'll
Finally figure out where he's to shit.
--- Jeanie

There once was a puppy named Grover,
Who lived in a city called Dover.
His master was odd,
And fed him green cod,
Then flattened him with his LandRover.
--- Anon

There is a brown dog who's called Spot,
Who tied his tail up in a knot,
To remember his bone
Which he'd left back at home
When he sometimes when out for a trot.
--- Graham Lester

When Lassie came home I was happy,
And so was my mammy and pappy.
But she took off again
To that stud down the lane
Who barked, "Come one, Lass, make it snappy!"
--- Ystap T9801

Your dog can not utter a word,
Despite all the language he's heard.
As some sort of token,
Although he's house broken,
He'll leave you a small smelly ... bird.
--- Bob Birch P9806

Of my dog's end, please beware,
As he leaves 'messages' everywhere.
His scent he must douse,
Outside, in the house.
So where you step, you must take care.
--- Funny Bone