The bill of the pelican relican
Hold more than his pelican belican.
People still see how welican
But not how the helican
Stock more than a pelican delican.
--- David A Brooks Q

Said the crow to the pelican, "Grant
Me the loan of your bill, for my aunt
Has asked me to tea."
Said the other, "Not me,
Ask my brother; for this pelicant."
--- Anon

Here's a wonderful method I've found
To help you all clean up your town;
Please let me explain,
All you need do is train
All your pigeons to fly upside down.
--- Tom Baker P8806

A statue of Archbishop Widgeons
(Sagaciously schooled in religions)
When installed in the park
Became a good mark
And henceforth stooled on by squeal-pigeons.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410

I planted some bird seed last week.
Now breaking the soil is a beak.
I've added compost
But the forecast is frost.
The outlook for the species is bleak.
--- Doug Harris P0608

A militant feminist plover,
Was arrested for failing to hover.
The claws of her feet
Had been caught in the street
'Neath the rim of a personhole cover.
--- Anon

There was a young lady from Dover,
Who hunted the eggs of the plover.
But she sat down to rest
Right on top of the nest,
So her search for the eggs was all over.
--- Warrick Elrod

There once was a provident puffin
Who ate all the fish he could stuff in.
Said he, "'Tis my plan
To eat when I can;
When there's nuffin' to eat, I eat nuffin'."
--- Oliver Herford

I think you're mixed up with a puffin;
You can tell by the size of its muffin.
And speaking of which,
Take hold of the bitch;
You will see that it needs a good stuffin'!
--- John Miller

To their offspring, the shorebirds beseech,
"From the waves, you stay just out of reach."
They find food in the sand,
And it tastes mighty grand.
For the sandpiper, life is a beach.
--- Anon

An arrogant bird is the seagull,
As proud as the sky-soaring eagle.
You will see by the sea,
If you walk there with me,
It shit proudly on me and my beagle.
--- David A Brooks Q

My birds eat a whole lot of seed;
From sunup to sundown they feed.
And because they have supped,
My bank has been rupt.
And I am the one who's in need.
--- Lims Unlimited

In Hong Kong the problems are few,
But shopping has brought something new.
They cry like the dickens
Because they're no chickens.
Now their soup contains parts of the zoo.

(1997 Hong Kong Flu came from chickens - McW)
--- Tom Patton P9802

Pharaoh, a hard-working stork,
Was delivering a baby to Tork.
He spilled its milk bottle,
Had to shut down his throttle,
And feed it some cheese with a fork.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305

There was an unfortunate stork
With a bill that resembled a fork.
Unable to spear
A fish in the ear,
He had to eat liver and pork.
--- William K Alsop P9202

We once had a birdie named Pete;
With love and affection we'd greet.
Then enter our son,
At the time only one,
Thought he had removable feet.
--- Kelly A Malone P0202

This bird is the Keel-billed Toucan,
Whose size doesn't do what his hue can,
His color scheme rates
A succession of dates,
Which consist of just settin' and lookin'.
--- Anon

What a strange-looking bird is the toucan,
With his odd-looking beak and his blue can.
He can shove his red beak
In a place I can't speak --
It is much more than I can or you can.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-3016

Pet shops tell of a bird that is fun;
It will eat and play in the sun.
At their regular price
They are better than nice,
Because toucan live cheaply as one.
--- Tom Patton P0407

A fellow who slaughtered two toucans,
Said, "I shall put them into two cans."
Two canners who heard,
Said, "You'll be a bird,
If you can put two toucans in two cans."
--- Anon

Two robins once got the same worm,
They each had an end of it, firm;
It broke in their struggle --
Each fell in a puddle --
Away went two worms then a-squirm!
--- Ruby M True P0401

Busy winter birds give us devotion;
The back yard is a Land of Goshen.
They endlessly prattle
Of thistle and thatle,
And complain that we're serving slow motion.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

A canary in Paris named Gary,
Who, of felines was very much wary,
Did provoke a small chat
Without knowing that's that...
The results were not quite salutary.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

A hacker who studied ontology
Was famed for his sense of frivolity.
When his program inferred
That he ISA bird,
He blamed, not his code, but zoology.
--- Henry Kautz

A woodpecker pecked a big hole,
By mistake in a fiberglass pole;
It took him a week,
To sharpen his beak,
And a month to replenish his soul.
--- Lims Unlimited

In spite of what some think they see,
Ornithologists reassure me,
Without obvious perk
A woodpecker's work
Qualifies as pure skull drudgery.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0506

A xeme is indeed a rare bird, (artic gull)
About which I had never heard.
Where would I have to go,
To see xemes in the snow.
I'll bet they are feathered, not furred.
--- William K Alsop Jr

For a total of five thousand bucks,
Said the host of the quiz show Deluxe,
What are anas? and so
I said "Saints". He said, "No,
They're a genus of freshwater ducks."
--- Chris Strolin

A duck who I happened to hear,
Was complaining quite sadly, "Oh dear!
Our picnic's today,
But the weathermen say
That the skies will be sunny and clear."
--- Anon

A black swan ruled our water today,
Having skied in on hisses of spray.
Back and forth he swept by
With his regal head high,
Antimonarchist me in his sway.
--- David A Brooks

"Something got stuck in the lock..."
And Jill said, "Is that thing a cock?"'
I said, "Dearest Jilly,
At times you are silly.
It's a duck that is blocking the dock."
--- Bob Turvey P0504

Through glasses, the young Alexander
Discovered his eyes worked much grander!
For now he could choose
'Tween a boy and girl goose.
Said he, "I'll just take a gander"!
--- Anon

Two gooses are some geese, I guess.
Where they flock, they just make a mess.
Canucks send them to us,
And they don't come by bus.
"Bad cess!" is all that I can express.
--- William K Alsop Jr

This is file ldk

The Canada Goose is a bird,
Angelically lovely, I've heard.
It's delicate cry
Is modestly shy,
But it sure leaves a big pile of turd.
--- Ericka

Well hi, little duckie, come here;
Let me stroke you and tickle your rear.
You're so wobbly and sweet
With such neat little feet,
I could eat you for afters, m'dear.
--- Anon

A poet who liked to write "fuck"
Met an inarticulate duck,
Whose lack of a quack
Made it fall back
On a highly chickenlike "cluck".
--- Jan Sand

A duck is a bird that goes "Quack!"
When under intensive attack
By bullets and missles
And ear-splitting whistles
Of mortar and similar flak.
--- Peter Wilkins

You readers who live in the town,
At factoids like this may well frown;
Be sure though, 'tis true
As a goldfinch is blue:
A duck don't grow up, it grows down.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It's hard finding chicks that will lay
They laugh, whatever you say.
So I find a duck,
A much nicer fuck,
And so much more easy to pay!
--- Anon

With rat-traps on which grain was stuck,
I saw two fishermen try their luck.
When asked if water-rats
They were trying to catch?
They said, "No, we are fishing for ducks."
--- Anon

I've jeard om the past, girls made use
Of bras to hatch eggs -- quite a ruse.
One such is Miranda,
She hatched out a gander,
And often she now gets a goose.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Is this the Miranda who'd haggle
Over how much he'd take for her snaggle
Toothed blowjobs (abuse!),
Then stuff your loose goose
Down her gander till she made you gaggle.
--- Travis Brasell

From Juarez the geese fly at night.
They do it to keep out of sight.
But once they get here,
With upended rear,
They dump Montezuma's delight.
--- Barbara Tepper

The Canada Geese drop their poo,
Excreting in tons fro and to.
It rarely is that
We clean up what's shat;
It's too hard to get up that goo.
--- Barbara Tepper

There once was a man called Phil
Who grew an enormous duck bill.
He waddled and quacked,
Grew feathers on his back,
And now lives by the pond on the hill.
--- Harrison

A bird-watcher down on Par Sands,
Took his life, one day, in his hands.
Whilst observing a duck,
He ran out of luck
And gone are his fatherhood plans.
--- Cornish Times contest '97

A mallard of no fixed address
Thought, "Summer is coming, I guess."
His buddies and he
Flew north in a V
Seeking mates, water, sun, and success.
--- Sue Dulley P9308

For beauty the swan takes the crown.
On a river where others would drown,
She floats like a dream
Eider down- or upstream,
And what bears her up is her down.
--- Laurence Perrine P8806

A bird-watching fellow named Ferd
Was indulging his hobby, I've heard;
When besmirched by a duck,
He gasped, "What frightful luck"-
And continued his watch undeterred.
--- Arthur Deex P0201

A bird watcher was caught in bad weather,
So he ran to the house of maid Heather;
Drank warm ale from her kegs,
Found the nest 'twixt her legs,
And he got his first taste of bird feather!
--- Anon

Ornithologist Webster gained fame
For comparatives couched in this frame.
"Grackle is the harsh word
For a beautiful bird.
Homely Starlings have the gorgeous name."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0305

A lecherous fellow named Clark
Raped a bird-loving maid in the park.
A splendid surprise,
Such vigor, such size --
She really just came for a lark.
--- William K Alsop Jr

The birdwatcher focused his glasses,
And spied in the brush two bare asses.
He'd been looking for crows
But forgot about those,
And his gonads became swollen masses.
--- Grand Prix Lim 430 G0081

A bird-watcher down in New Britain
Was watching two birds that were flittin',
And said, "It's a cinch
That one is a finch,
But I'll wait till the other is sittin'."
--- Alsops Foibles

A young birdwatcher whose name was Mark,
Went for a stroll in the park.
He quick struck a pose,
As he rose on his toes,
And said: "Hark! I just heard a lark!"
--- William K Alsop Jr

There are bird-watchers here in the sticks
Who watch little birdies for kicks;
These two-legged friends
Have feathery ends;
The ones that I watch are the chicks.
--- Alsops Foibles

A bird-bander, climbing a breezy
Cliffside, had to let off a sneeze. He
In horror profound
Knocked an egg to the ground,
Cried, "Damn, I prefer over easy."
--- Eos P8503

There was a bird watcher from Utopia
Who had a severe case of Myopia.
He mistook a jay
For St. Vincent Millay,
And wrote poems of bad ornithophobia.
--- Douglas Airmet

I once met a guy from Glasgow
And this is a true story you know.
He couldn't speak French
And this stupid wench
At a bank counter, kept telling him to go.
--- Anon

He'd been robbed in his tent one night,
So woke in a terrible fright!
All was in wrecks
And his travellers' checks
Had totally disappeared from sight.
--- Anon

But he had written the numbers down
So searched for a bank in the town.
If Thomas Cook
Was no crook,
A refund would be back in his gown.
--- Anon

But no-one in the bank spoke "Scot"
And "waste time on him" they would not.
Then I came in,
And then he did grin,
'Cause he saw I'd a British passport.
--- Anon

I helped him French forms to fill out
But suddenly there was a doubt.
He turned to me
And I did see,
That on one line there was still nowt.
--- Anon

To the question: What's your Job? he went shy.
He just didn't seem to want to reply.
Then he told me
Not too boldly
That he dug graves for those who die.
--- Anon

I told him that wasn't shameful to do
But (and here's what reminds me of you)
He asked me to write
If I felt 'twas allright,
That he looked after penguins in a zoo!
--- Anon

A bird-watching fellow named Ferd
Was indulging his hobby, I've heard;
When besmirched by a puffin,
He remarked, "That was 'nuffin" --
And continued his watch undeterred.
--- Arthur Deex P0201

A bird-watcher down on Par Sands,
Had a large loaf of bread in his hands.
Along came a seagull
And swooped like an eagle,
And left a message on his hands.
--- Cornish Times contest '97