For "to be" to be tickety-boo, (RAF slang 1920s - okay)
Say "I am" for "I is" is non-U.
It is life's shortest sentence
And risks no repentance
Like this one, the longest, "I do."
--- Anon

Those committing the grossest offenses
Are the people who disregard tenses
And with syntax are lax;
Doing so they attack
Sensibilities as well as senses.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105

I've now got some homework for you:
Why don't you "come up" with a few
Such linguistical sayings,
Our true mind betrayings,
And see what your own tongues will do.
--- Anon

For brothers, we sometimes say brethren;
Yet more than one mother's not "methren."
This irregular form
Is so far from the norm,
It's a plural unlike any "ethren."
--- Anon

Where do those commas all go;
Position's important, you know.
There's no way of telling
What she is yelling...
"No don't stop no don't stop oh!"
--- Karen

Any student of folk song will show
You the words of that tune, "No, John, No,"
Where double negation
Gave them copulation.
All words can be twisted, you know.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This wee bonnie Irish young lass --
Is a nonsensical first line, alas.
'Cause bonnie and wee
Are Scottish, you see,
And to link with the Irish is crass!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

My point is that English has oceans
Of punning with sexual notions.
For instance, there's money
Which is always made funny
With sexually explicit motions.
--- Anon

In London, a man from Siam
Learned English while riding a tram,
And practiced "to be's"
Asking "Who's Siamese?"
"He isn't, you aren't, and I am."
--- Tom Foolery

We are bit murderous bastards, you see,
The American folk say to me:
If you'd not stuck copulation
To the native population,
You'd be speaking now in Cherokee.
--- Tony Burrell

A snivelling six-year-old, St John,
Wailed, "Lemme play cowboys and T John!"
But his mother from Beaulieu,
Herself quite unruly,
Slapped him and said, "Stop your wt john!"
--- Jarmo

Am, are, is (plural are, are, are) are
Simply forms of "to be", which we mar.
If the I, you, he (and
Plural we, you, they) stand
Wrongly matched when we is below par.
--- Mike Scholtes

To raise yourself up from the primitives,
You'll take care to not split infinitives.
For up with this we'll
Not put. You're a heel,
If you don't heed the rules most definitive.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It's easy to tell that it's fiction,
'Cause the hero has perfect diction.
Even during the tumble,
Most guys just mumble;
He espouses his love with conviction!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young person named Tate,
Who went out to dine at 8:08;
But I will not relate
What that person named Tate
And his tete-a-tete ate at 8:08.
--- Carolyn Wells

A homophone is very near
To those that are shown above here.
Just lower case words,
Not for Kurds and curds,
A proper name cannot appear.
--- Larry Davis P8712

While our poets all write in their DENS,
I'm afraid they are being quite DENSE.
To their muse they do call,
Banging heads on the wall,
Till their cranium's covered with DENTS.
--- Observer

I can't tell a ewe from a yew,
Or anew from a nous or a gnu,
Or a rite from a wright,
Or a bite from a bight,
Or a dew from adieu or ado.
--- Lims Unlimited

"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04!
For four for 4:04 is too many."
--- Joseph Tyler

In homophonericking TO,
Most people would use TWO and TOO.
Unless they were where
A TUTU they wear,
Or else being stabbed, cry "Et TU!"
--- Irving Superior P9112

This dumb fart is so full of baloney!
(Guess homophony's not in his "zoney".)
He's a troll, not a gnome,
(Can't respond with a "pome.")
It is plain he's a big "homo phony".
--- Ward Hardman

Hey Ward, though I'm merely a gawker
At this sycophant substitute talker,
I'm with envy possessed,
So perhaps you'll suggest
How a bloke can obtain his own stalker?
--- Hugh Clary

When seized by a physical need,
I search for a lady to knead,
But often I find
She is not of like mind--
And for all my trouble, get kneed!
--- Norm Storer P9110

An old Scottish lady named Hannah
Danced in a most ladylike manner.
To her friend, Anna Bell,
She explained herself: "Well,
I canna can-can, canna, Anna?
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

A traveller to Timbuktu,
Said, "Pilot! It's time that we flew!"
He replied, "That will do!
Your watch is askew.
It's a minute or two to 2:02"
--- Anon

With five, I'll be known to a hound;
Beheaded, the very same sound;
If my first then is switched
With the letter just ditched,
The identical sound still is found.
--- Anon

There was a young lady of Slough
Who went for a ride on a cough,
The brute pitched her off,
When she started to coif,
She ne'er rides on such animals nough.
--- Archie

Though those guys crave the spotlight, to THEIR
Great embarrassment, thinking that THEY'RE
Just like stars in a drama,
That involving mild trauma,
A sharp audience sees nothing THERE.
--- Observer

There was a young lady from Crewe,
Who wanted to catch the 2:02.
Said the porter, "Don't worry
Or hurry or scurry;
It's a minute or two to 2:02."
--- Anon

"I'm wracked with a weak back," said Jack,
"And, alack, concentration I lack."
His physician said, "Sir,
When did this first occur?"
"My weak back?" said Jack, "a week back."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9406

A right-handed fellow named Wright,
In writing "write", always wrote "rite"
Where he meant to write right.
If he'd written "write" right
Wright would not have wrought rot writing "rite".
--- Anon

Said a boy to his teacher one day,
"Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say."
And the teacher replied,
As the error she eyed:
"Right! Wright, write 'rite' right, right away!"
--- Anon

At afternoon tea with John Peel,
I enquired if his accent was real.
He said: "Out of the house
I'm incredibly Scouse, (dialect spoken in Liverpool)
But at home it depends how I feel."
--- Kevin Hale Q

This is file krl

It remains yet a mystery to me,
Why some actors and news folk can't see,
How it grates on the ear,
Each time we're forced to hear
Mounted troops being called, "CAL-vary".
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105

One's hiccups are quite an affliction
And to cure them is quite an addiction.
I've had them all day,
And they won't go away.
They are really affecting my diction.
--- Anon

Japanese rike the preasure of Haiku,
And the reisure of riding a baiku;
From the Spring to the Forru,
They are rapt in baseborru --
That's unress they go out on a straiku.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

It strikes me as an offensive craze.
Let us hope though it's merely a phase.
In extraneous speech
When I hear it, I screech;
Things are 'like,' nothing's certain these days.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0101

There was an old man with a stutter
Who massaged his larynx with butter.
He oiled his false teeth,
And to his relief,
He found he could talk and not futter.
--- Kevin Hale Q

Then to some more offensive by far
(Far less though than to have such a war)
Is that torturing trounce
Each time they mispronounce
And change nuclear to "nu-Q-lar".
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105

A word for a little bell's ring;
What is it; I can't seem to bring
It into my head.
As the old saying said:
It's there on the tip of my ting.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The English you speak is the Queen's
Which Yanks like to flush down latrines.
Across the Atlantic
We find it pedantic.
Summed up: it's a wee hill of beans.
--- Randog

It takes quite a broad brush to paint
Just who is sinner or saint.
Small difference aside,
No need to be snide;
I know the Queen's English, this ain't.

Those creatures whose fate's a short life
Are pronounced properly, as "short-lived:"
It's hard to forgive
Those who say it "sort-lived,"
Give them lashes, say, three, four or five.
--- Dr Limerick

A Scotsman at Loch Inverness
Was asking for Nessie's address;
But he couldn't make clear
What he wanted to hear
Because of his sibilant S.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

My job's an imbecility
With this verbal disability;
I doubt if I can
Be a good weatherman,
Stammering pre-pre-precipitation pro-pro-probility.
--- Richard Rhodes

There was a young lady named Joyce,
Who said, "I've no r's in my voice,
But I dance wock and woll,
Wear a wabbit-skin stole,
And dwive in a swanky Wolls-Woyce.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The apostrophe: very impressive,
If a misunderstood old regressive.
It fills in the breach
For omissions in speech,
And if used well, highlights the possessive.
--- Doug Harris

My Muse (if unused) suffers ostrophe
Thus causing momentous catostrophe.
Embarrassed and shamed
I deserve to be flamed
For illiterate use of ' .
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Nolan,
Whose sentences always were swollen.
So a teacher, quite wise,
Cut them down in their size,
When she taught our friend Nolan the colon.
--- Bob Birch

Now, colons are two of a kind.
You can place 'em before or behind.
The semi breaks gluts
While the other's got guts;
They can rest or explain, you will find.
--- Doug Harris

A horse caterpillar a llama
A mystery comedy drama.
My spelling's OK,
But what can I say;
I'm lost when it comes to the comma.
--- Bob Birch

The comma deserves some applause
For making good sense of the clause,
And, just at the death,
When we run out of breath,
It gives extra life to the cause.
--- Doug Harris

A poet whose last name was Bash,
Sold his verse for a large sum of cash.
But a critic named Peter,
Disliked Bash's metre
And his excessive use of the dash.
--- Bob Birch

Exclamations, we may well surmise,
Marks the shock that is seen in our eyes.
Yet another full stop
(With a flagpole on top);
It's a period that ends in surprise!
--- Doug Harris

"Exclamation marks!" exclaimed Sonny,
"Because they don't cost any money;
Are oft over-used...
Quite simply abused,
And they still don't make that line funny!"
--- Q

The hyphen is something you park
In modern-like words for a lark.
It keeps up our peckers
Ignoring "spell-checkers"
And, by linking things up, makes its mark.
--- Doug Harris

Parentheses (brackets to most),
Hug close your explanatory post.
They come curvy or square
And hang about there,
One fore and the other hindmost.
--- Doug Harris

More common, the simple full stop
Gets itself in a terrible strop;
And refuses to laugh,
If a long paragraph,
Any author refuses to crop.
--- Doug Harris

A mother was really quite pissed;
Punctuation was high on her list.
Her daughter's not punctual
(But sexually functional)
And now there's a period missed.
--- Bob Birch

Prepositions are quite useful, but
Rules of grammar dictate they're not what
Are used to end a sentence;
Since such use is an offense;
Something up with which we should not put.
--- Loren Fitzhugh

Where ignorance or doubt is implied,
Keep one of these close by your side.
The questioning mark
Helps you out of the dark,
When enlightenment's trying to hide.
--- Doug Harris

When people have spoken, beseech
That there isn't an etiquette breach.
The inverted (I quote)
Double commas of note,
Must be used as a mark of our speech.
--- Doug Harris

If your virgule's oblizue and slapdash,
Or your stroke's a bit short of panache,
Get hip with the text,
The diagonal next
Could be backward \ or forward / ... go slash!
--- Doug Harris

Punctuation hides switchbacks and bends,
Causing meanings, not those one intends.
To avoid this, I'd say
I go out of my way
To(,) unlike quite a few of my friends.
--- Doug Harris PO6O9

Punctuation is how readers know
When to stop, when to pause, when to go;
It gives them direction,
Provides some inflection,
And helps make the sentences flow.
--- Cap'n Bean

Amos Cross never was at a loss;
His wife Tina would let him be boss,
Since he treated her right
In the bedroom each night:
He's the 1 Down who 18 Across.
--- Jerry Nordal P0208

My first is in cream but not fat.
My second in chapeau and hat.
Three starts an alert,
The last is in shirt,
And my whole is the French word for cat.
--- Tiddy Ogg