A "C" might appear to be first,
An "H" could be then the worse.
An "A" then must be;
"Shirt" ends with a "T",
So a "chat" purrs its way through your verse!
--- Chris

Though Archie's solution's obscure,
The answer he got, I am sure,
And so did young Chris:
The prize, folks, is this:
A sackful of barnyard manure.
--- Chris

To alt-arts-limericks I flit,
To see what fine prize my wit
Has quite nicely earned.
And so now I feel burned;
I now have a big sack of shit!
--- Chris

Though sensitive folk hold their noses,
There's many a gardener supposes
In gold's weight it's worth,
When spread on the earth,
For wonders it does for the roses.
--- Tiddy Ogg

While having your afternoon nosh,
I looked close and then I said, "Gosh!"
Though you do not moo,
What you've got isn't new.
I think you are suffering from closh!
--- Archie

I had hoped that this was a prank;
I'd take off your panties and spank
What I then inspected.
But closh has infected
You now and it's udderly rank!
--- Archie

Ignorance clogs up my head.
I suppose I shall now be shot dead.
This rumor of closh?
It's all bosh 'n' tosh
Who will join me for chips 'n' ged?
--- Kiss Karen

I've just checked out all my resources;
What I've found is giving me pauses.
That simple word "closh"
Has beaten me, gosh,
It's different in two major sources.
--- Archie

My Webster's is fifty years old.
My Oxford is never so cold.
Closh is there given,
As cattle are riven,
With diseases, nasty and bold!
--- Archie

But Websters gives us "sore feet";
With Oxford "sore neck" does compete.
Just which of these two
Applies quite to you--
For that jibe I should now be beat!
--- Archie

At first, I'm a spasm of pain,
Beheaded, a cloverleaf lane;
Again, I'm a source
Of electrical force;
Once more, a enlisted man's bane.
--- Hugh Clary

Although I may not be the champ,
While sitting by light of this lamp,
I did not hit "Next"
'Til, no longer vexed,
I did indeed come up with "cramp."
--- Scott Oliver

I cramped in my brain; tried to see.
It's climbing a steep ramp for me,
Yet I'm still the champ!
(Unless I over-amp
Or someone here calls an MP!)
--- Cyber Wizard

I missed it and felt like a dolt,
Unworthy of joining this cult
Of masters of words;
But come on, you nerds,
Electrical force is the VOLT!
--- Tiddy Ogg

There's amps, and there's coulombs and watts;
Of electrical terms there are lots.
Like farads and ohms,
But whereever I roams,
I like girls with powerful twats.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A crossword compiler called Moss
Who found himself quite at a loss
When asked, "Why so blue?"
Said, "I haven't a clue.
I'm 2 Down to put 1 Across."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0203

A crossword compiler called Brown
Who found himself wearing a frown
When asked, "Why so green?"
Said, "I think it's my spleen.
I got 6 Across what I 8 Down."
--- John Dole Odd BodkinP0203

Complete, I'm the proof of your reign;
Curtailed, I will gobble your grain.
Beheaded, the chore
That you ply with an oar.
Once more, I'm the sound of your pain.
--- Hugh Clary

A king wears it perched on his head;
And a black bird has to be fed;
In water, get traction
Performing this action;
When hammer hits thumb, it is said.
--- Observer

There's really no more I can say;
I figured it out the same way.
Observer's reply
Is much better than I
Could have made, so to him goes the day.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I'm making my way to the town,
My sorrows this evening to drown.
For failing to boggle
Observer and Oggle,
'Cause the answer, most surely, is "crown".
--- Hugh Clary

I do not mean to put you down,
Or cause you to wear a big frown.
But your question there,
Is faulty, I swear.
It seem that you've misspelled "clown".
--- Cyber Wizard

There once was a fellow named Knott
Who enjoyed himself a whole lot,
At various times
Solving cryptogram rhymes
And here are the Limericks he got.
--- George W Wilson P0505

You're close but you're not close enough;
These cryptic type clues, they are tough.
Just five little letters
They will break the fetters -
The word's in the first verse and stuff!
--- Archie

Of Emmet I had never heard;
It appears it's a dialect word.
A dictionary
Answered the query,
You clever cat who ate the bird.
--- Kiss Karen

Kiss, you may go top of the class,
But take good care, as me you pass.
Emmet was correct
Though in dialect,
For I can't keep my hands off your ass!
--- Archie

When five, I'm a stock that's for sale;
Beheaded, a tortoise I trail;
Once more and you readers
See a hundred square meters;
Then with two, I'm a tone of the scale.
--- Hugh Clary

When five, I'm certain it's SHARE;
The Tortoise, I know, beat the HARE.
A hundred M square
I know as an ARE,
And RE is the third tone, so there!
--- Liam na Beag

Price comparing, a German Professor
Of two cushions selected the lesser.
"A foam pillow in brown?"
Said the Teuton, "Nein, down --
It's a gift that is for a cross dresser."
--- Arthur Deex P0208

I tell all these riddles, "Get hence,
Begone foolish question, my pens-
Ive time is spent here.
I sit on my rear
While my thinking is helped with incense."
--- Archie

A gentleman wanted to bang
A girl from the neighborhood gang,
But once she was fed
And gotten in bed,
She would only gnaw on his wang.
--- Hugh Clary

A babe with a bit of panache
Provided me romps for my cash.
I could bugger her bum,
Have a header with hum,
Or simply a shag from her gash.
--- Hugh Clary

By the genius of Hugh, I'm amazed
With these limerick riddles he's raised,
And though they've brought fame
And world-wide acclaim,
This daze-fun has left him unfazed.
--- Observer

This is file kql

Said the crass, overconfident elf,
To the girl, "I'll provide you with pelf,
And this sexual display
Will stand up and obey,"
She said, "Tell it to stifle itself!"
--- Observer

On the phone, to the randy young fellow,
Said sexy Maria Costello,
"When you get here, knock.
And the door I'll unlock...
There's no doorbell at the bordello!"
--- Observer

There once was a pedophile gent
Who took a young girl to his tent.
Unable to bury
His dick past her cherry,
He decided to tend to her dent.
--- Hugh Clary

Alas, I've been gone out Sis Chrissin';
I knew not what a game I was missin'.
Not sure how to play;
Would you care to say?
You know I'll be silent and listen.
--- Hugh Clary

Invented by Mr James Watt's
Incredible brain, steam robots
Based on the idea
Of the front and the rear,
And the shape of Mrs Watts twats.
--- Archie

"Christianity's Son of the Boss,"
Was a clue that left him at a loss,
Till he found he could use
"The King of the Jews",
For nailing 1 Down, 2 Across.
--- Jerry Nordal P0206

"It's crescent shaped rolls that I want"
Cooed the shapely, urbane debutante.
"Didn't rush off to town
And just scarf 1 Down;
I relaxed when I 8 Across-aunt."
--- Arthur Deex P0206

My first, in providing you hints,
Discloses I'm one of the gents;
My second's recital
Is a role that is vital;
Complete, I commit an offence.
--- Hugh Clary

I think if I had a man's book
Explaining 'bout words, there I'd look.
Unless I am wrong,
It's three letters too long
In my def. in line one, else I'm stook.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Right there, I'll sumbit a small squeak
'Bout that secret word that we seek.
I'd guess "homosexual"
Would be here, ineffectual;
If not, then to me, it's all Greek.
--- Observer

It seems my charade is a mite
Unclear to those solvers despite
My efforts to pack it
With contrivants to crack it,
Since neither response appears right.
--- Hugh Clary

So, in hopes of a massive upheaval,
A hint ought to offer reprieval
From the ardors I've wrought,
And I offer this thought:
My whole is a doer of evil.
--- Hugh Clary

It seems, then, my first try was fiction.
Though logic worked in my depiction,
The man is a male,
And to tell a good tale,
He'd need, I averred, good male-diction.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So now it's not totally back ter
The drawing board, so having whacked a
New brain cell in head,
I'll venture instead,
To hazard the guess, malefactor.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Once again, with a genius Confucian,
Senor Ogg has the proper locution
To answer the term
For this cranial worm.
Malefactor's the proper solution.
--- Hugh Clary

With riddles, I'm always quite dense
And though concentration's intense,
I can't play this game.
And this one's the same --
It just doesn't make any sense.
--- Ericka

If good crossword solvers be found,
Then NASA'd like them to call 'round.
A problem they've got;
When things get too hot,
The just cannot get 7 down.
--- Scott C

You must have been hitting the sauce,
Or feeling foolhardy, to toss
Us so tasteless a poem
'Bout folks who came home
In a state -- I mean states, 6 across.
--- Scott C

Five adds to four plus eleven, t
Plus twice that, plus two and plus seven.
I hope you don't mind,
The number you'll find
Sends me and my woman to heaven!
--- Uncle Beer

The language has got out of hand
With phrases that ought to be banned.
A couple we read
Spent one night in bed;
So why is it called a one night STAND?
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0402

Five hundred begins and is last,
And a five in the middle is cast;
Then the first we are getters
Of numbers and letters,
Revealing a King of the past.
--- Hugh Clary

This one is real easy to see,
With the first and the latter "D".
He was a great king,
But did David sling
A blade... this is confusing me.
--- Carol

Yes, David, Notorious Hebe, a
Vaquero with pene arriba,
Killed Goliath by slinging
As stone, and then swinging
Like a dashing young blade with Bathsheba.
--- Hugh Clary

Or is it not king, but a knave,
Who kept a dead queen in his cave?
Oh heck, what the deuce!
I hereby deduce
Carol's right. It's Michaelangelo's Dave.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I enjoy getting any new word
Or old one that I haven't heard.
Research is a hoot
I like to piroot
Shiny bits like a curious bird
--- Archie

In class I will pass to and fro,
As it's helping my database grow
Could it be you
Are growing too,
As past you I frequently go?
--- Kiss Karen

In piroot was I here indulging,
Though my pants soon seemed to be bulging,
When you dropped your books,
And gave me free looks
At your black satin covered impulging.
--- Archie

G ilt by the sun's gentle fire,
U nder the spell of desire,
E ager to please
S ummer's fine breeze,
S weet'ing the air of the byre.
--- Kiss Karen

In ajewehy store at Fort Ross,
I sought out the help of the boss.
In selecting a necklace.
I felt rather reckless,
And put 50 Down 4 Across.
--- Arthur Deex P0205

Half a dozen the ancients then synched
With six of their brothers now linked;
Then give them five hundred,
When, if you've not blundered,
The answer is clearly distinct.
--- Hugh Clary

I think I observe here an omen,
With answer in charcters Roman,
And Actress Miss Leigh
Will show her ID,
And flash it this way in the gloamin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Once again it's the Oggie that earns
The kudos for solving the turns
And twist of my riddle.
So I'm confidant Tid'll
Remember the wife of Tom Sterns.
--- Hugh Clary

From my try at your neat little puzzle,
My chagrin I attempt now to muzzle,
But I am just livid:
The answer's not VIVID?
I'll be off to some soothing beer guzzle.
--- Ward Hardman